Girlfriend is pregnant. I really don't want it

[pink_sugar]

So sorry to hear about this RB. Was hoping for good news for you. Considering all that has happened and the fact she tampered with your contraceptives, you should be able to get out of child support if that is what you choose. Hope it goes well!

[turnera]

That poor baby, having to grow up with two parents who don't want him.

[VeronicaRoss]

What a drag. I think you did a huge service posting this though, hopefully other young men will read this and be more careful.

 

I really think they need to teach about personality disorders in high school, just as kids are beginning to date so they'll recognize the symptoms of an 'exciting' person who actually is far worse and be able to stay away.

Edited February 28, 2014 by VeronicaRoss

[whichwayisup]

Yes. Apparently, she may be guilty of assault. I want to get back at her so bad.But I don't want to get physical, and I definitely don't want it myself. So I guess the legal system is the only way. My best friend's girl friend keeps saying she did it out of love, yeah right. More like she's insane.

 

So there's an unfit mother (so it seems) and a father who doesn't want to be a father.

 

I doubt it'll happen as she won't want to give up her child, and I'm sure her parents want their grandchild in their lives, but an option is, putting the baby up for adoption.

 

I am hoping you'll get some counseling and decide to be a part of your baby's life. Many who aren't sure they want kids and end up having them say it's the best thing that ever happened to them. Sure it'll be hard, different and your life will change, but that's a positive thing and the benefits and good out weigh the bad.

 

Remember your (ex) gf is not well and right now going at her maliciously isn't the way to handle it. Someone needs to be the bigger person and mature/stable, so let that person be you. Allow your lawyer to do the fighting for you and don't do or say anything that will make you be the bad guy here.

[thinkingofhim]

You know you're not getting out of child support right? Sperm donors have been made to pay child support. It's time to take your lumps and man up. Whether you're there for the child or not, you don't need to be making this mess worse by "getting back at her" or whatever.

 

I do hope other people (and you from now on) can learn something from this...

 

1) Don't have sex with unstable people

2) Be in charge of your own birth control!

 

Seriously... it was a mistake to use condoms she had whether or not she was poking holes in them. You don't know how old those condoms were, if they might have been left in the hot sun (in a car, etc), or what. Buy new ones that you know are safe and don't let people mess around with them. Use a spermicide for extra protection.

 

And no matter what you do, sex carries with it the risk of pregnancy, so don't run around railing against the unfairness of it all when it happens. Be smart, plan ahead.

[somedude81]

You know you're not getting out of child support right? Sperm donors have been made to pay child support. It's time to take your lumps and man up. Whether you're there for the child or not, you don't need to be making this mess worse by "getting back at her" or whatever.

 

I do hope other people (and you from now on) can learn something from this...

 

1) Don't have sex with unstable people

2) Be in charge of your own birth control!

 

Seriously... it was a mistake to use condoms she had whether or not she was poking holes in them. You don't know how old those condoms were, if they might have been left in the hot sun (in a car, etc), or what. Buy new ones that you know are safe and don't let people mess around with them. Use a spermicide for extra protection.

 

And no matter what you do, sex carries with it the risk of pregnancy, so don't run around railing against the unfairness of it all when it happens. Be smart, plan ahead.

So in other words, never trust your girlfriend?

[thinkingofhim]

I'm not saying not to trust people. I'm saying you need to be responsible for your own birth control if you don't want to have a child. It's just foolish to have the other person handle it.

[somedude81]

I'm not saying not to trust people. I'm saying you need to be responsible for your own birth control if you don't want to have a child. It's just foolish to have the other person handle it.

No, you basically said don't trust your GF with birth control because you never know what she's doing.

 

I do understand not wanting to use condoms that my girlfriend has already had because I don't know the condition they are in. Maybe she was an idiot and let them break down, or whatever.

 

Though this part "don't let people mess around with them" sounds really mistrustful. You basically come across as suggesting that a guy should hide or lock up his condoms when he leaves his GF home alone.

 

Back when I had a GF there were quite a few times where I left for school and she stayed at my apartment. She knew where I kept my condoms and she could have done whatever the hell she wanted to them. But I trusted her not to do anything.

 

Would you say that I was being foolish?

[lucy_in_disguise]

Don't you have no proof she actually poked holes in the condoms?

 

Sorry if I missed something but I thought it was just speculation.

 

Seems far fetched to sue her for "assault" with zero proof. Anyway, I doubt "getting back at her" is in the best interests of the child.

 

No ones said it yet, but congratulations.

[pink_sugar]

No, you basically said don't trust your GF with birth control because you never know what she's doing.

 

I do understand not wanting to use condoms that my girlfriend has already had because I don't know the condition they are in. Maybe she was an idiot and let them break down, or whatever.

 

Though this part "don't let people mess around with them" sounds really mistrustful. You basically come across as suggesting that a guy should hide or lock up his condoms when he leaves his GF home alone.

 

Back when I had a GF there were quite a few times where I left for school and she stayed at my apartment. She knew where I kept my condoms and she could have done whatever the hell she wanted to them. But I trusted her not to do anything.

 

Would you say that I was being foolish?

 

I agree with this. The OP did take charge and use protection. She took advantage of his trust and tampered with his protection. This is no different than a man tampering with a woman's birth control pills. So essentially, what you are saying is that neither men or women can trust their partner and have to hide their birth control? If the roles were reversed and a man tampered with a woman's pills, he would be held accountable. The woman leaving her pills around still would not justify those actions. It's so sad society is sexist in those ways. Whether he left the condoms in his apartment or she bought them or etc, still doesn't make it okay. I couldn't imagine having to hide my pills from my husband or not trust the condoms he is using.

[Shepp]

Why do you want to get out of child support?

 

Forgetting all how's, whys, ifs and buts of her getting pregnant - that's your kid!! Your flesh and blood! Your son or daughter!

 

You want your child to have to go without?

You want to in 20 years time walk down the street and not know if you just walked past your own son or daughter!!?

[somedude81]

Anybody who is interested in this subject should do some additional research.

 

The official term is Reproductive Coercion and it's actually a form of domestic violence.

 

Right now the law is set up in a way that the man even though he is a victim is still obligated to pay child support.

 

Currently reproductive coercion is not criminal.

[pteromom]

 

Currently reproductive coercion is not criminal.

 

Nor should it be. Sex inherently comes with risks. Pregnancy is one of those risks. If you don't want children, it is very important to protect yourself.

 

Unless one of the partners is raped, there are two people choosing to take the risk.

 

Rude Boy, you need to tell your parents and see an attorney ASAP to find out what your options and rights are. Don't delay it... information is power.

[somedude81]

Nor should it be. Sex inherently comes with risks. Pregnancy is one of those risks. If you don't want children, it is very important to protect yourself.

 

Unless one of the partners is raped, there are two people choosing to take the risk.

 

Rude Boy, you need to tell your parents and see an attorney ASAP to find out what your options and rights are. Don't delay it... information is power.

 

So you believe that it's perfectly fine for a guy to tamper with his GFs birthcontrol pills and get her pregnant, knowing full well that she absolutely does not want to get pregnant?

[jellybean89]

rudeboy,

 

please remember during all this that the child is innocent.

 

you are not obligated to be in your child's life; but you will be financially responsible for the child until the age of 18/21/or whatever your state's mandated age of a minor is.

 

please talk to your mom about what is going on. she will want to support you. she loves you.

[Shepp]

So you believe that it's perfectly fine for a guy to tamper with his GFs birthcontrol pills and get her pregnant, knowing full well that she absolutely does not want to get pregnant?

 

There's a hell of a lot that comes in-between 'perfectly fine' and 'domestic violence'.

[somedude81]

There's a hell of a lot that comes in-between 'perfectly fine' and 'domestic violence'.

Reproductive coercion is domestic violence.

 

Reproductive coercion - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

[turnera]

rudeboy,

 

please remember during all this that the child is innocent.

 

you are not obligated to be in your child's life; but you will be financially responsible for the child until the age of 18

Not to mention that if you do not include yourself in this child's life, he/she will have a hole in his heart the size of Texas, for the rest of his life, knowing his own dad didn't want him and couldn't be bothered.

[Rude boy]

If you look earlier in thread, I don't have a problem with child support. I just don't want visitation, custody, or to be around it.

 

I told my mom and she was excited that she was going to have a new baby to watch. I told her regardless of my feelings for this child, she won't be watching it. She started to cry and I felt bad, but it's true. Why should another child be subjected to his abuse?

 

I've got some real winning women on my life, that's for sure.

[turnera]

If you look earlier in thread, I don't have a problem with child support. I just don't want visitation, custody, or to be around it.

 

I told my mom and she was excited that she was going to have a new baby to watch. I told her regardless of my feelings for this child, she won't be watching it. She started to cry and I felt bad, but it's true. Why should another child be subjected to his abuse?

 

I've got some real winning women on my life, that's for sure.

Are you criticizing your mom? Wow.

 

And I wasn't talking about money; I was talking about the child growing up knowing you don't want him/her and won't have anything to do with him. He won't care about the money; he'll only wonder what is wrong with him that you don't want him.

[Rude boy]

Yes, I am. This woman gets shoved down the stairs while pregnant, miscarries, and has to have her son, my oldest brother, drive her to the hospital on a permit, because it hurts so bad. Cops get called, she violates the protective order and he's back home the next night. Her teeth are either fixed, fake and in one case, gone. And she STAYS! she defends him, or cries whenever anyone speaks up about it. Then when her sons try to help her she won't leave. My condo is set up for the event that she leaves and she won't take it. Is it obvious why I'm so messed up?

 

I see him in me. His rage, his attitude, and subjecting a child to that would be horrible. I've gotten his negative traits that no one else seems to be effected by. Yet, I'm the one with the crazy ex and kid.

[Arabella]

If you look earlier in thread, I don't have a problem with child support. I just don't want visitation, custody, or to be around it.

 

I told my mom and she was excited that she was going to have a new baby to watch. I told her regardless of my feelings for this child, she won't be watching it. She started to cry and I felt bad, but it's true. Why should another child be subjected to his abuse?

 

I've got some real winning women on my life, that's for sure.

 

Huh. Guess what? You can't actually stop your mother from having a relationship with your child if she and your ex work it out.

 

Want to be left out of it? OK.. but that doesn't extend to the rest of your family.

[Got it]

Rude boy, I understand how you feel about that and actually not wanting your child exposed to that environment is a very healthy and caring attribute.

 

Are you in counseling? It sounds like you have a lot going on and a lot to work through that a neutral third party can help you. This is a lot to consider and decisions now will have ramification for a very long time. It is okay to just process your feelings right now and wait to make any decisions.

 

I do not think not wanting your child is the worse thing, there are a lot of people who give one of the greatest gifts which is adoption. Unfortunately you can't make that unilateral decision. But not everyone is cut out to be a parent. That is okay. I think, with a therapist, you can work through things and come up with a good decision that can respect the child's feelings as well as your's.

 

Please note you are NOT your father. You may have learned poor coping mechanisms from him but those can be unlearned. Who he is and what he does doesn't define you. You do.

[pink_sugar]

Huh. Guess what? You can't actually stop your mother from having a relationship with your child if she and your ex work it out.

 

Want to be left out of it? OK.. but that doesn't extend to the rest of your family.

 

If there is physical abuse going on in the grandmother's household, OP can get CPS involved and he certainly can put a stop to his mom being involved. This would be a toxic situation for the grandchild to be in and CPS would deem her and the grandfather unfit to watch the child without supervision.

[Arabella]

If there is physical abuse going on in the grandmother's household, OP can get CPS involved and he certainly can put a stop to his mom being involved. This would be a toxic situation for the grandchild to be in and CPS would deem her and the grandfather unfit to watch the child without supervision.

 

That's a big IF. All we know here about the abuse is what the OP has told us.

 

CPS might make a different determination... and until/if that happens, she has every right to be involved in the child's life if the mother allows it.