Girlfriend is pregnant. I really don't want it

[DaisyLeigh1967]

Yes, it would be. And how did he do that?

 

He could have turned the phone off.

 

I am not saying he went Neener Neener at her. But for now, just leave the phone off or on vibrate.

[Trimmer]

I am not saying he went Neener Neener at her.

Ahhh... you said he was a jerk for shoving it in her face. That's what I'm calling you out on. You are consistently stating the worst about the OP - as if it's fact - based on thin assumptions and inferences made from little information, and I'm calling you out on that.

 

In the beginning of the thread, as he was coming to terms with both her infidelity, and her pregnancy, which he had reason to believe he had taken responsible steps to prevent, and apparently she sabotaged, he was dealing with difficult emotions and trying to work them out. You ripped him 8 new @$$holes based on his feelings during a time of incredible stress and turmoil.

 

Yet while still embroiled in the turmoil, when called upon to act, he has consistently stepped up and behaved like a responsible man and father, yet you are still nitpicking like you have a chip on your shoulder, and he has a target on his back. I'm calling you out on that.

 

Let's not forget that this poor sympathetic mother who just gave birth and deserves compassion and support has apparently accomplished exactly what she set out to do. She deserves support and humanity in her role as new mother - I completely agree and support that - but let's not forget that she arrived here under her own power and navigation.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

Ahhh... you said he was a jerk for shoving it in her face. That's what I'm calling you out on. You are consistently stating the worst about the OP - as if it's fact - based on thin assumptions and inferences made from little information, and I'm calling you out on that.

 

In the beginning of the thread, as he was coming to terms with both her infidelity, and her pregnancy, which he had reason to believe he had taken responsible steps to prevent, and apparently she sabotaged, he was dealing with difficult emotions and trying to work them out. You ripped him 8 new @$$holes based on his feelings during a time of incredible stress and turmoil.

 

Yet while still embroiled in the turmoil, when called upon to act, he has consistently stepped up and behaved like a responsible man and father, yet you are still nitpicking like you have a chip on your shoulder, and he has a target on his back. I'm calling you out on that.

 

Let's not forget that this poor sympathetic mother who just gave birth and deserves compassion and support has apparently accomplished exactly what she set out to do. She deserves support and humanity in her role as new mother - I completely agree and support that - but let's not forget that she arrived here under her own power and navigation.

 

 

Look, I said it was jerky to shove it in her face. He said he didn't. Okay. Cool.

 

I just think he could keep the phone off while with her and the baby and keep his business his own. She may have done wrong, but she doesn't need the extra stress when she has to see him because of their daughter.

 

Would it hurt? Really? Just for now? Once the child is stable and doing well, and she keeps this up, then he can tell her to MYOB and be as direct as he wants.

 

And while it is great that he stepped up, no one should be applauded for doing what an adult is expected to do.

Edited May 1, 2014 by DaisyLeigh1967

[Million.to.1]

OP.. i've just read this thread. wow. What a whirlwind you've had.

 

My heart goes out to you and your character shines through even some not so good decisions... You are doing amazing.

 

I hope your daughter is ok and go home soon.

 

Did you read the letter your ex gave you? i hope it was a heartfelt apology for what she has put you through.

[Rude boy]

My phone is always off in the unit. Due to getting an advanced degree and preparing to take over a part of a large company, my phone comes on at lunch time. I had my phone on the table and she leaned to see who it was. She did that on her own, I didn't have time to pull it away from her.

 

She was being rude and difficult today, so I left. I don't have time to play games right now. I'm almost done with my degree, and I'm tired of doing everything on paper only to come home and type it up at night. So I left and started working at home. I probably won't go tomorrow either. I just can't right now.

 

And no, I haven't read her letter, I'm afraid to. I know that's stupid, but I don't want it to mess with my head.

[Davey L]

Men have only one purpose in this life - to support a woman when she is pregnant or with small child and therefore unable to support herself. This is man's primary biological and evolutionary role.

 

 

If you fail in this, then you have failed as a man.

Everything else is of secondary importance.

[turnera]

Unless there are mitigating circumstances, as in this case.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

My phone is always off in the unit. Due to getting an advanced degree and preparing to take over a part of a large company, my phone comes on at lunch time. I had my phone on the table and she leaned to see who it was. She did that on her own, I didn't have time to pull it away from her.

 

She was being rude and difficult today, so I left. I don't have time to play games right now. I'm almost done with my degree, and I'm tired of doing everything on paper only to come home and type it up at night. So I left and started working at home. I probably won't go tomorrow either. I just can't right now.

 

And no, I haven't read her letter, I'm afraid to. I know that's stupid, but I don't want it to mess with my head.

 

Good. Just keep it away from her. In a pocket or whatever. For now.

 

Don't read the letter until you are ready to do so.

[Rude boy]

Am I going to support my sweet little girl? Am I always going to be there and give her anything and everything? Yes. Am I going to support this woman beyond our baby? Hell no. I may love my baby, but I didn't want her, and I'll never say I did. Even if my daughter asks. I shouldn't have to. The second she turns eighteen, I'm gone.

[whichwayisup]

Am I going to support my sweet little girl? Am I always going to be there and give her anything and everything? Yes. Am I going to support this woman beyond our baby? Hell no. I may love my baby, but I didn't want her, and I'll never say I did. Even if my daughter asks. I shouldn't have to. The second she turns eighteen, I'm gone.

 

You have to learn (both of you) to get along and have a mutual respect for one another so you can co parent as mom and dad to your little girl.

 

Also, you say now as soon as she's 18 you'll be gone, but I doubt that. This baby girl IS your flesh and blood so I'm not sure why you'd say you'd be gone. Or were you talking about your ex?

[The Like Fairy]

I may love my baby, but I didn't want her, and I'll never say I did. Even if my daughter asks. I shouldn't have to. The second she turns eighteen, I'm gone.

 

Wow! Glad the Universe didn't give me YOU as my Dad. Your poor daughter.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

Am I going to support my sweet little girl? Am I always going to be there and give her anything and everything? Yes. Am I going to support this woman beyond our baby? Hell no. I may love my baby, but I didn't want her, and I'll never say I did. Even if my daughter asks. I shouldn't have to. The second she turns eighteen, I'm gone.

 

 

 

You would actually tell a child she was not wanted? Nice. Hope you know that can psychologically mess a child up.

 

You could at least say maybe that she was not planned but was a nice surprise. Good lord. Anything but "I never wanted you".

 

What do you mean you will be gone? You are planning to bail on your child when she is an adult? What?

[Rude boy]

I should clear this up. I meant my ex's life. There will be no "us" of any kind, ever. I hope my daughter and I are good together. I won't just leave her, I think I'll be the only good parent she has. My ex isn't into her at all. She barely wants to touch her and just stares off a good 85% of the time.

 

If my daughter ever asks the question "did you want me?" I'll say no and tell her what happened from my perspective. Obviously, I wouldn't do it if she didn't ask or was too little. I maybe a bad dude, but I'm not heartless.

 

I opened her letter, six pages. I skimmed the fist page and can already tell it's going to be a mess... I'm not looking forward to it. I thought about throwing it away, but I figured I should try to read a bit of it.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

I should clear this up. I meant my ex's life. There will be no "us" of any kind, ever. I hope my daughter and I are good together. I won't just leave her, I think I'll be the only good parent she has. My ex isn't into her at all. She barely wants to touch her and just stares off a good 85% of the time.

 

If my daughter ever asks the question "did you want me?" I'll say no and tell her what happened from my perspective. Obviously, I wouldn't do it if she didn't ask or was too little. I maybe a bad dude, but I'm not heartless.

 

I opened her letter, six pages. I skimmed the fist page and can already tell it's going to be a mess... I'm not looking forward to it. I thought about throwing it away, but I figured I should try to read a bit of it.

 

Whew! That is good. I thought I read that wrong. Glad I did.

 

Do not judge your ex about the baby right now. It is a really tough thing to have a preemie for the mother, I think even more than the father, because the woman carries that child and gives birth. I know you are upset too, of course, but I guarantee your hormones are not out of whack, etc. She could also be suffering PPD, which is can wear you out. Maybe you could suggest she talk to her OB. I know you don't want to be a couple, and that is fine, but for your daughter's sake, try your hardest to have some compassion.

 

Put the letter away or burn it. Deal with it once your child is more stable and things have calmed down a bit, if you read it at all.

 

There is a chance your daughter might ask that question. Just be careful how you word your answer. I don't think you are heartless, btw.

[Raena]

Rudeboy.... you have really come a very long way just since this post started and there will be more changes as this goes on down the road. Bravo to you for sticking it out and being there even though it's tough on you and it isn't what you wanted.

 

I doubt your daughter will ever come right out and ask you if you wanted her, especially if you make a point of showing her that you care about her throughout her life. Even if she does ask you, don't tell her. There is no reason for her to ever know anything about how she came to be. Just let her know you love her, through your actions and words as she grows up and how she came to be won't matter.

[whichwayisup]

Glad you cleared that up.

 

If my daughter ever asks the question "did you want me?" I'll say no and tell her what happened from my perspective. Obviously, I wouldn't do it if she didn't ask or was too little. I maybe a bad dude, but I'm not heartless.

 

Don't put down her mom either, just say that you and her mom weren't meant to be together but you both love her (daughter).

 

Trust me, as life goes on you and your ex WILL get along for your kids sake. Also, don't judge or discount your ex as a parent right now. NEITHER of you have any experience, so to say you'll be the better parent is not cool. She is the one who gave birth, she has maternal instincts - Her hormones are out of whack and also the stress of having an early birth and having your baby in the hospital ICU is scary. Please just have respect for her (ex) because she is the mother of your baby. If she can't rise up and give you that same respect back so be it, but YOU need to be the bigger person here and show an example to your kid.

[pink_sugar]

I agree that you shouldn't say you didn't want her. You can say she wasn't planned or that you didn't plan on having children, but that you're happy to have her. I agree that you don't want to talk down about her mother in front of her either. That's still her blood and parents don't realize when they bash the other parent, they are bashing their own flesh and blood. I understand why you don't trust her mom. It honestly seems to me that she got pregnant to trap you (keep you around) and possibly doesn't have a true interest in being a mother.

[Rude boy]

I'm ready her letter, and it's a hot mess. She talks about high school and how she was jealous of my girlfriend, and always trying to be my science partner, and even then she knew she was going to have my kids. Then she talks about when we got together and how I "saved her" from the abusive relationship she was in before and she left him for me. It rambles on and on. I'm on the third page.

 

She's got some issues. I don't know why I didn't see them before.

[Ms. Red]

I went to her house last night and told her it was over. She started screaming, crying, and then hitting. The only time I got hurt is when she scratched me once, I didn't do anything back because I was afraid of being like my dad...

 

Then she said if I left her she'd kill herself. I hurried and text her parents and her brother that she needed to go to the hospital. They came and took her in their car and I followed. They admitted her, and I had to fill out a bunch of paperwork about our relationship.

 

She's in the hospital on suicide watch. After I told her it was over she said she was going to kill herself. I called her family after she said that and they drove her to the hospital... I followed them there. I feel horrible that I called them and now she's there... It's all my fault.

 

 

I should clear this up. I meant my ex's life. There will be no "us" of any kind, ever. I hope my daughter and I are good together. I won't just leave her, I think I'll be the only good parent she has. My ex isn't into her at all. She barely wants to touch her and just stares off a good 85% of the time..

 

These things worry me. Do you know if she will get a full psychological/psychiatric evaluation before she is going to have custody of your daughter?

[ja123]

It's good you have the letter as "proof" that she's not psychologically fit, if you decide to go to court to have 100% custody of your daughter.

 

 

I also posted a link where anyone poking holes in a condom can be charged with assault.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

It's good you have the letter as "proof" that she's not psychologically fit, if you decide to go to court to have 100% custody of your daughter.

 

 

I also posted a link where anyone poking holes in a condom can be charged with assault.

 

Yeah, lets just take her baby away never to be seen again and throw her in jail. Because that is just the BEST thing all around. Jail and take away the baby. Yep. Great idea.

 

How about we see that she is getting help? Sounds like the OP could benefit from counseling for his own issues. A parenting class for both would be great too. How about doing the utmost to see that these parents are properly equipped and able to raise this child together, before we take the baby?

 

Again, she could be suffering from PPD. It is horrible to have a preemie in the hospital. She could be scared to death and that is why she is not all over the baby. People react differently. I have been that mom of the preemie. While I did hold my son, I know one mother who was afraid she would harm the child by touching too much. She was and is a great mom today.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

I'm ready her letter, and it's a hot mess. She talks about high school and how she was jealous of my girlfriend, and always trying to be my science partner, and even then she knew she was going to have my kids. Then she talks about when we got together and how I "saved her" from the abusive relationship she was in before and she left him for me. It rambles on and on. I'm on the third page.

 

She's got some issues. I don't know why I didn't see them before.

 

Of course she has issues. You knew this from her actions during the earlier part of the pregnancy.

 

I would see that she is getting help, and get some help for yourself as well. I say that kindly. You both need to be able to coparent. Compassion for her does not mean you have to be married or in a relationship. It is good for your daughter to be strong and the better person.

 

IF she does not improve, then seek remedies to make sure your daughter is taken care of even if that means seeking custody. Just please don't try to take the baby away for retaliation. Or seek prosecution over the condom. What good would either do? Believe me, I will bet that in her mind, she is already punished for her transgressions.

 

Mental illness is not an automatic reason to take a child away. I suffer from depression and anxiety. I have three children and am a good mother. It is like any other illness. As long as you are treating it and the children are not suffering, to me, it is just cruel punishment to strip a child from their mother.

[Rude boy]

Oh I knew she had issues during the pregnancy, but I never thought she did when we were together. Now I'm in one of those "what did I get myself into?" moments. I believe she has to do counseling as part of her release from the hospital, but I'm not sure if she still has to.

 

I'm not going to take her kid away. I know how important kids are to their moms. I know what happens when women lose their babies, I had to live with it. I don't know anything about girls either. I'm pretty sure I would hate being a single dad, even more so with a girl. I see dad's having to do the restroom thing, and I feel bad for them. That would be horrible. I can't be a single dad to a girl.

 

And to sue her? For what? Money I just have to give back for child support or reduced payments? There's no reason to. I'm a big boy, and I can own up to being an idiot and paying the price. It'll be to remind myself to never take her back, because this was the result last time.

 

I should've just been done the day I found out she cheated. But I wanted to make it work and now I'll pay for it for the rest of my life.

[Rude boy]

Left early again, she kept touching me, and even tried to kiss me. I told her to back off and she cried. I can't do it, not if she's going to try and kiss me. I don't want to hold her hand. I don't want her holding my arm or putting her head on my shoulder. She's not my damn girlfriend!

 

I've also been reading on ppd. Scary stuff. It's supposed to be worse on c-sections. I honestly think she'll try and kill herself for real. I think she'll see it as my punishment for leaving her.

 

I can't win. I don't want to be together, but I almost feel like if i don't she'll hurt me, herself, or my baby girl. I don't care about me as much as I care about my baby. I'm so scared.

[whichwayisup]

Keep the focus on your daughter only. Try a different tactic since what you're doing now is not working. Do not discuss or justify why to her, just do it. When she kisses you say, NO. Then walk away, go see your daughter. If she wants to talk about it then just reaffirm there is no you and her and she has to accept this. That you are two are co parents only and she has to stop coming onto you and getting you back.

 

I can't win. I don't want to be together, but I almost feel like if i don't she'll hurt me, herself, or my baby girl. I don't care about me as much as I care about my baby. I'm so scared.

 

is it possible to talk to her Dr or her parents? Also get your mom involved, bring her when you see the baby.