Trimmer Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 (edited) Yeah, lets just take her baby away never to be seen again and throw her in jail. Because that is just the BEST thing all around. Jail and take away the baby. Yep. Great idea. I understand that sarcasm is your go-to tool for responding in this thread, but do you see that since it is the OP's thread, and the focus is mainly on him, that even though you are responding to someone else, you are putting the OP back on his heels in a defensive posture, feeling like he has to respond to your attacks? Even though he never said these things you are responding to? Haven't you been been advocating watching one's step when your behavior might affect someone who is struggling to find the strength to make it through a rough time? The second she turns eighteen, I'm gone. When I read this, even though I stumbled on it for a moment as others did, I already have enough faith in you as a father that I assumed you meant gone from your ex's life, not your daughter's. Am I going to support my sweet little girl? Am I always going to be there and give her anything and everything? Yes. Am I going to support this woman beyond our baby? Hell no. I may love my baby, but I didn't want her, and I'll never say I did. Even if my daughter asks. I shouldn't have to. I understand your anger. Let me suggest this: you don't have to decide right this minute exactly what you might say if she asks. I imagine that your bond and your love for your daughter will grow, strengthen, and develop over time, as she becomes a toddler, a little girl, a young woman, and eventually a capable adult of her own. Right now, this question ("Did you want me?") seems to speak mostly of your relationship with your ex, and I can understand not wanting to answer anything that sounds like "yes" in that context. You may find, later, that this question doesn't evoke quite such an angry response, and you may be able to hear it in a context that doesn't involve your ex. It's your daughter looking into your eyes and your heart. Dad, it's you and me - did you want me? And perhaps it won't be so easy to offer the simple, brutal, objective truth of a "no" answer. Maybe something like "Honestly, you were a surprise, and I really had no idea what to expect, but from the moment I saw you, and heard you, and got to touch you, and hold you, I wanted you and I loved you ever since." Just as true a telling of the story, isn't it? And depending on the moment she asks about it, it may be more what your daughter needs to hear. I bet if and when that time comes, you will know that. I have faith in you. Edited May 5, 2014 by Trimmer 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mittens Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 As someone who was continually told by both parents that I was unwanted, a mistake, etc all I can say is that if you have even the slightest concern or regard for your daughter, if you will want a good relationship in the future with her, NEVER tell her you didn't want her. The last time my mother told someone I was a mistake (in front of me, at least) was when I was about 17. I have felt absolutely no love for that woman since. In the last two decades I have seen her twice. I moved 17000 miles away, to the other side of the world to get away from her. At this point in time, I've not spoken to her since the New Year. When she dies, I won't be going to her funeral. She didn't want to be a mother? Fine, I don't want to be the dutiful daughter. It works both ways. You reap what you sow. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
thinkingofhim Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 Definitely don't tell her she wasn't wanted. She doesn't need to know that, ever. NEVER. She doesn't need to know any of the sordid details about condom hole poking, cheating, etc. She has a fresh life as a new human, there is no reason in the world to weigh her down with what will be ancient drama by the time she's old enough to understand any of it. You can tell her she was a surprise/unexpected and you were nervous and confused and didn't know what to do at first. That's plenty. That said, congrats on your precious baby! I hope you enjoy your time with her! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 Listen, she has been trying to trap you since before she even knew you, it sounds like, and she did. And yes, she probably will resort to suicide threats once she realizes you're not playing house with her. Don't punish your daughter for any of this in any way. You need to go set up whatever custody arrangement and payment arrangement with the court and the state will automatically take your money and then give it to her. If she continues to be a problem, and she will, request to the court a third party do the custody handoffs so you never have to see her. You probably need to do this asap. You should report any suicide attempts directly to the police. Do not wait around to see what happens. I don't think she'll carry through, but she will certainly want to fool you into thinking she will. By taking immediate action and calling the police on her, you will show her that this tactic isn't going to work. If she keeps it up, they will temporarily remove the child from her custody probably to her parents. Down the road, you do not want her to be able to accuse you of doing nothing when she was threatening suicide (and she may use postpartum depression as an excuse and then no way to prove that she was faking it). So she mentions killing herself in any way -- and especially save those texts -- dial 911. Get it on record. Don't react by going to see her, no matter what. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
The Like Fairy Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 You should report any suicide attempts directly to the police. Do not wait around to see what happens. Down the road, you do not want her to be able to accuse you of doing nothing when she was threatening suicide (and she may use postpartum depression as an excuse and then no way to prove that she was faking it). So she mentions killing herself in any way -- and especially save those texts -- dial 911. Get it on record. Don't react by going to see her, no matter what. Great advice 1 Link to post Share on other sites
The Like Fairy Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 Maybe something like "Honestly, you were a surprise, and I really had no idea what to expect, but from the moment I saw you, and heard you, and got to touch you, and hold you, I wanted you and I loved you ever since." Spectacular. Well done Trimmer! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted May 5, 2014 Author Share Posted May 5, 2014 I went today and made sure our moms came too. She cried to them the whole time and of course they were comforting her and basically taking her side. They kept her at bay. I shaved my beard and my baby didn't jump as bad when I kissed her. I think it might have poked her or something. I felt pretty ok about that. I think she'll have her mom's blue eyes and not my brown ones. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyLeigh1967 Posted May 6, 2014 Share Posted May 6, 2014 I understand that sarcasm is your go-to tool for responding in this thread, but do you see that since it is the OP's thread, and the focus is mainly on him, that even though you are responding to someone else, you are putting the OP back on his heels in a defensive posture, feeling like he has to respond to your attacks? Even though he never said these things you are responding to? Haven't you been been advocating watching one's step when your behavior might affect someone who is struggling to find the strength to make it through a rough time? Thank you for your concern. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted May 7, 2014 Author Share Posted May 7, 2014 One month today, and she's still there... It's so unfair. I want snuggle time, I don't want to have to leave her, I want to cover her in kisses... And I can't. I just want my little girl with me. She's the love of my life. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
wrenmatrix Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 I think you should go for a paternity test. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Red Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 He did get a paternity test. See post 221. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 He did get a paternity test. See post 221. Also note post 336, where he points out that he paid extra to get his own copy of the results so she couldn't deceive him about the outcome. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted May 9, 2014 Author Share Posted May 9, 2014 I woke up with a bad cough. So, naturally I can't go to the hospital. I'm so heartbroken. Going to see her is the highlight of my life... I don't know why I'm sick. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 10, 2014 Share Posted May 10, 2014 I woke up with a bad cough. So, naturally I can't go to the hospital. I'm so heartbroken. Going to see her is the highlight of my life... I don't know why I'm sick. Wash your hands a lot, drink plenty of water and OJ/Apple juice, gargle with warm water and salt, boil water and squeeze lemon in it, that will help. Add some honey in it, it'll help with your cough. Chicken noodle soup..Oh and rest up! Feel better soon RB. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted May 10, 2014 Author Share Posted May 10, 2014 My mom went instead of me... Her breath is quick and shallow and her heart is racing. I wonder if it has anything to do with me being gone. I really miss her. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 Rude boy, I want to gently suggest that you start thinking about the future. I'm sure you understand that, unless the mother gives up her rights and hands the baby to you legally, you're not going to get to keep seeing her every day, right? Start preparing yourself. Once your baby leaves the hospital, you'll have to be dealing with basically getting the mother's permission to come see her, unless you go to court to get a mandated visitation schedule. And even then, it will only be half of the time, at MOST, and most likely far less. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 Rude boy, I want to gently suggest that you start thinking about the future. I'm sure you understand that, unless the mother gives up her rights and hands the baby to you legally, you're not going to get to keep seeing her every day, right? Start preparing yourself. Once your baby leaves the hospital, you'll have to be dealing with basically getting the mother's permission to come see her, unless you go to court to get a mandated visitation schedule. And even then, it will only be half of the time, at MOST, and most likely far less. I think that considering this mother's mental state, he should be able to at least get shared custody 50/50. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 We are talking about them staying at my place, me staying at her place, or going to her parents'. It's all up in the air. I'm keeping my lawyer. I'm pretty sure there's going to be a fight on our hands... Link to post Share on other sites
Eivuwan Posted May 15, 2014 Share Posted May 15, 2014 We are talking about them staying at my place, me staying at her place, or going to her parents'. It's all up in the air. I'm keeping my lawyer. I'm pretty sure there's going to be a fight on our hands... I don't think it's a good idea for you and your child's mom to live in the same house. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted May 15, 2014 Share Posted May 15, 2014 I don't think it's a good idea for you and your child's mom to live in the same house. I agree with this. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabella Posted May 15, 2014 Share Posted May 15, 2014 I agree with this. I'll third that. Unless you want to work on your relationship and consider getting back together, you two should NOT live together. It's only going to give her false hope and drag out the process. In my opinion, you should talk to her and express clearly what your custodial desires are. Then watch her reaction. If she seems agreeable, put it on paper ASAP with your lawyer's assistance. If not, then you know where you stand and you can start to figure out how to go about getting what you want. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 16, 2014 Share Posted May 16, 2014 We are talking about them staying at my place, me staying at her place, or going to her parents'. It's all up in the air. I'm keeping my lawyer. I'm pretty sure there's going to be a fight on our hands... I hope ALL of you put your child first and do what is best for the little baby girl. No selfishness, or "I want this, I want that". If it turns out it's best for her to stay with her parents so be it - You can see your baby daily. It will just be stressful for everybody if you, ex and baby live together. Don't fight and make a war of this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted May 18, 2014 Author Share Posted May 18, 2014 She's home! She's still hooked up to some stuff that had to come with us, but it's better than her being in the hospital. I mess with her feet when she sleeps on me sometimes. She just giggles and kicks my hand away but doesn't wake up. She is so cute 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Red Posted May 18, 2014 Share Posted May 18, 2014 Isn't that the most awesome feeling in the world to feel the weight of your baby on your chest? I'm glad she made it home. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted May 21, 2014 Author Share Posted May 21, 2014 Things with my baby are going pretty well. I'm pretty sure I'm her favorite person to be held by. She sucks on my shirt when I hold her though, it freaks me out... She doesn't do it to anyone else. My ex and I on the other hand, it's just a mess. She looks past the baby to watch me, begs me to be with her, and when I say no she cries hysterically. I gave her Mother's Day flowers and she lost it. I just can't win, no matter the situation I won't end up on top. Link to post Share on other sites
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