Girlfriend is pregnant. I really don't want it

[Rude boy]

I wouldn't wish watching someone be abused on my worst enemy. Much less a child. He'll probably act fine while he thinks someone's watching and then stop when he thinks it's ok again. He only hits her around us. He'd do it in front of a baby and not think twice.

 

My ex keeps texting me about wanting to be together. She keeps saying we would be such good parents and all that crap. I just don't text back,I'm trying to stay away... I wouldn't be a good dad. I mean, I already yell at her, and that's dysfunctional. I can't do that to a kid.

[pink_sugar]

I wouldn't wish watching someone be abused on my worst enemy. Much less a child. He'll probably act fine while he thinks someone's watching and then stop when he thinks it's ok again. He only hits her around us. He'd do it in front of a baby and not think twice.

 

My ex keeps texting me about wanting to be together. She keeps saying we would be such good parents and all that crap. I just don't text back,I'm trying to stay away... I wouldn't be a good dad. I mean, I already yell at her, and that's dysfunctional. I can't do that to a kid.

 

You're doing the right thing by not responding. She's in denial, but she'll get it eventually so she can move on. Any contact should be through your lawyer. If you do say anything to her, I would keep it at that.

[preraph]

RudeBoy, I just want to say I fully support your position in this. I'm sorry it happened, I get why you are not wanting to parent, and I think that's right. She shouldn't be wanting to either, but she's young and dumb, which is why you need to let her know right away that you and she are not going to be together. I'm telling you, if she knows you will NOT be romantic with her anymore (she will just have more babies, whether you want them or not), she may find another solution. But either way, you need to tell her now and in no uncertain terms: I'm never going out with you again, there is nothing romantic between us, but I will of course do my duty to help support the child financially, but I do not want visitation because I'm not ready and my household isn't SAFE. And you will probably have to tell a judge the same thing at some point, and the judge should understand once you tell him about the extreme abuse going on in your family and that your parents, even though they are psycho, will demand time with the child. You need to tell him, too, because otherwise your ex may go around you and get them to babysit because she's not very bright and isn't respecting your decisions. So be sure and tell the attorney AND the judge when the time comes your family situation. Best of luck. So sorry you're under so much stress. Just stay focused on what you need for yourself.

[preraph]

^he's already said he's taking financial responsibility. That doesn't mean he has to hang out with her shopping for baby gear.

 

Rude Boy, one more thing, and your attorney will confirm this. Once you have any custody arrangement, you will never be able to move away from the immediate area (miles differ by state) without the ex approving it, which she won't. You'll be stuck in one place, even if a job opportunity comes along that you'll want to take because it's more money and you'll be broke from the child support and may also have to save for college.

 

You know her parents, I assume, and probably already know what to expect. But I would make sure they know why you don't want custody and why you don't want your parents to have any visitation rights (yes, there is such a thing). I'm sure they'll end up hating you, but make them understand why you're not the right person to raise a child and neither is your family. You never know, if they really get it, they might encourage her to just do sole custody. A lot of girls have this vision in their head of "playing house" and they have no idea what it's really like. From what you've said, I think she's like that and needs a dose of reality so maybe she will at least consider adoption or whatever.

[SammySammy]

My father grew up in an abusive household. My grandfather was physically and verbally abusive to my grandmother. He was abusive to my father also.

 

My father decided to be the best husband and father that he could be. The household I grew up in was apparently drastically different from the one my father grew up in.

 

This is about choice. We don't have to continue the destructive patterns and behaviors that have harmed our families in the past. One person can decide that he wants to change the direction of his family.

 

Because of what we learned from our father, my brothers are not abusive to their wives. When I was married, I did not abuse my wife.

 

Running away and not having anything to do with this child is not the solution here. It merely continues the multi-generational cycle of dysfunction in your family.

 

You're making a decision no matter what you do. Why not decide to be a positive force for good in this child's life? Yes, it will be difficult but it will be so worth it.

[Rude boy]

He use to abuse us as kids until my aunt said something about the bruises on my back. Apparently, there were a lot...

 

I'd love to break the cycle, but I'm not strong enough I guess.

 

My phone was off for class, I had forty seven new messages between her and my mom. Basically I won't ruin their relationship and she's practically their daughter in law. I haven't responded, I can't think of anything to say.

[Arabella]

He use to abuse us as kids until my aunt said something about the bruises on my back. Apparently, there were a lot...

 

I'd love to break the cycle, but I'm not strong enough I guess.

 

My phone was off for class, I had forty seven new messages between her and my mom. Basically I won't ruin their relationship and she's practically their daughter in law. I haven't responded, I can't think of anything to say.

 

It doesn't sound like your mother is abusive, is she? Why punish her for your father's actions? If she wants to have a relationship with your child and your ex, there's is no reason why she can't. Just make it clear to her that you expect her to keep the child out of the household where he/she could become your father's victim. If she does not abide by this, you can always involve CPS.

[whichwayisup]

He use to abuse us as kids until my aunt said something about the bruises on my back. Apparently, there were a lot...

 

I'd love to break the cycle, but I'm not strong enough I guess.

 

My phone was off for class, I had forty seven new messages between her and my mom. Basically I won't ruin their relationship and she's practically their daughter in law. I haven't responded, I can't think of anything to say.

 

I'm sorry for all you've been through in your childhood and past. Nobody should have to suffer and go through something like that.

 

Now, you're an adult, and it really would benefit you if you do counseling. You can break the cycle and not let the past haunt you and repeat into the future.

You are not your father! Remember that.

[Got it]

^he's already said he's taking financial responsibility. That doesn't mean he has to hang out with her shopping for baby gear.

 

Rude Boy, one more thing, and your attorney will confirm this. Once you have any custody arrangement, you will never be able to move away from the immediate area (miles differ by state) without the ex approving it, which she won't. You'll be stuck in one place, even if a job opportunity comes along that you'll want to take because it's more money and you'll be broke from the child support and may also have to save for college.

 

You know her parents, I assume, and probably already know what to expect. But I would make sure they know why you don't want custody and why you don't want your parents to have any visitation rights (yes, there is such a thing). I'm sure they'll end up hating you, but make them understand why you're not the right person to raise a child and neither is your family. You never know, if they really get it, they might encourage her to just do sole custody. A lot of girls have this vision in their head of "playing house" and they have no idea what it's really like. From what you've said, I think she's like that and needs a dose of reality so maybe she will at least consider adoption or whatever.

 

This is not true. If a man is fine giving sole custody to the mother as well as full time residence the father is allowed to move where ever he wants. It is only if they have joint custody that this would play a factor.

 

Also college is not considered a requirement. He would be obligated to pay until the child is 18.

[Rude boy]

Apparently, she finds out what it is on Monday... She asked if I want to go, but I haven't responded. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't curious to find out...

[Arabella]

Apparently, she finds out what it is on Monday... She asked if I want to go, but I haven't responded. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't curious to find out...

 

If you do go with her, you will be seeing your child on screen. His/her little fingers, face, etc... and yes, you will probably find out the gender if she's far along enough and the fetus cooperates.

 

Now, this can be an amazing experience for a father... but given you feel about her and the pregnancy, you may want to think about it carefully. The feelings it could stir might put you in a difficult situation.

[preraph]

His mother is abusive because she raised her kids in an abusive household. She may also be a victim, but it doesn't change anything.

[pink_sugar]

If you do go with her, you will be seeing your child on screen. His/her little fingers, face, etc... and yes, you will probably find out the gender if she's far along enough and the fetus cooperates.

 

Now, this can be an amazing experience for a father... but given you feel about her and the pregnancy, you may want to think about it carefully. The feelings it could stir might put you in a difficult situation.

 

I agree, if you do not want any attachment to the child or even to give your ex the wrong idea that you want ro reconcile, don't attend.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

I agree, if you do not want any attachment to the child or even to give your ex the wrong idea that you want ro reconcile, don't attend.

 

 

I agree. You don't want to have anything to do with the child, and you don't want to stir the pot with the ex, so stay away.

[Rude boy]

It's a girl, now my phone is either getting "congratulations" or "haha your life sucks" texts... I got one from a friend who was in a similar situation and he said he was sorry but it was personally the greatest thing to happen to him. Hopefully, my life goes that way... Or the way I want it to.

 

She asked me if I wanted her to tell my mom. I told her I would... My mom was excited, and kept saying she and my dad could start shopping now. Then she cried because finally it wouldn't be her and a bunch of boys.

 

I admit, I'm happy for her. I realize it must suck to be the only girl. I'm kind of excited she'll get to have someone now. They just can't be alone with her.

[scorpio1978]

RudeBoy,

 

 

I am chiming in late, but I recall reading how much you loved this girl and how if the baby wasn't yours, you were still thinking of sticking around. What changed? Can you honestly go on about your business like this little girl doesn't exist? It's one thing to not be with her mother and to be angry, but it's not the baby's fault and there may come a time when you do see her and see a resemblance between the two of you and I cannot imagine that not striking some kind of cord in you. Little girls need their daddy's. It's just not right what you are doing. Yeah, I get it, it wasn't right what she did either, but the baby is coming whether you like it or not. Time to grow up and face the situation

[whichwayisup]

It's a girl, now my phone is either getting "congratulations" or "haha your life sucks" texts... I got one from a friend who was in a similar situation and he said he was sorry but it was personally the greatest thing to happen to him. Hopefully, my life goes that way... Or the way I want it to.

 

She asked me if I wanted her to tell my mom. I told her I would... My mom was excited, and kept saying she and my dad could start shopping now. Then she cried because finally it wouldn't be her and a bunch of boys.

 

I admit, I'm happy for her. I realize it must suck to be the only girl. I'm kind of excited she'll get to have someone now. They just can't be alone with her.

 

Rude, do the counseling, maybe in time you'll see that you can be a good father and the patterns of the past will not repeat itself........ Take each step and day as it comes.

 

RudeBoy,

 

 

I am chiming in late, but I recall reading how much you loved this girl and how if the baby wasn't yours, you were still thinking of sticking around. What changed? Can you honestly go on about your business like this little girl doesn't exist? It's one thing to not be with her mother and to be angry, but it's not the baby's fault and there may come a time when you do see her and see a resemblance between the two of you and I cannot imagine that not striking some kind of cord in you. Little girls need their daddy's. It's just not right what you are doing. Yeah, I get it, it wasn't right what she did either, but the baby is coming whether you like it or not. Time to grow up and face the situation

 

She cheated on him. She also admitted to 'poking holes' in the condom. This girl has deep issues and is quite manipulative. Read the whole thread, I know it's long.. He has his reasons as to why he doesn't want to be father, he was abused and always said he never wanted children, ever. GF was aware of this too.

[Rude boy]

I'm doing a little therapy, but it's not helping. I'm going to stick with it though and see what happens.

 

I just had my whole life planned out and this kid will put the whole thing out of whack... I was finishing my masters in business, I was going to take over for one of my dad's partners who's stepping down in September, I was going to buy everything I've ever wanted, and I wasn't going to have to answer to any woman of child for my actions. I was going to help my mother leave him which is a full time job. I don't have time for kids.

 

I love this woman, I do, when she's not being bat**** crazy. My love for her takes a hit when she starts pulling the crazy card on me. I was a little worried about the baby being that loser's kid, but she's not.

 

I'm not a good person. I'm him without beating women. I'm a jerk, I fight, I yell, I act like I'm the greatest, and I hate it. His rage is in me, I lose control just like he does. I grew up with it, I know it sucks. I don't want someone else to go through that

[thinkingofhim]

I don't think you're a bad person. I think the fact that you recognize your own flaws is really good. Truly bad people don't, or don't want to. I really think you can step out of your father's shadow if you stick with therapy.

[stillafool]

I'm doing a little therapy, but it's not helping. I'm going to stick with it though and see what happens.

 

I just had my whole life planned out and this kid will put the whole thing out of whack... I was finishing my masters in business, I was going to take over for one of my dad's partners who's stepping down in September, I was going to buy everything I've ever wanted, and I wasn't going to have to answer to any woman of child for my actions. I was going to help my mother leave him which is a full time job. I don't have time for kids.

 

I love this woman, I do, when she's not being bat**** crazy. My love for her takes a hit when she starts pulling the crazy card on me. I was a little worried about the baby being that loser's kid, but she's not.

 

I'm not a good person. I'm him without beating women. I'm a jerk, I fight, I yell, I act like I'm the greatest, and I hate it. His rage is in me, I lose control just like he does. I grew up with it, I know it sucks. I don't want someone else to go through that

 

Watch and see if that little girl of yours doesn't have you wrapped around her little pinky finger and softening your rough patches in no time. All the best!

[scorpio1978]

Rude, do the counseling, maybe in time you'll see that you can be a good father and the patterns of the past will not repeat itself........ Take each step and day as it comes.

 

 

 

She cheated on him. She also admitted to 'poking holes' in the condom. This girl has deep issues and is quite manipulative. Read the whole thread, I know it's long.. He has his reasons as to why he doesn't want to be father, he was abused and always said he never wanted children, ever. GF was aware of this too.

 

 

I read that part, but there was one post, maybe two where he was hedging and while very angry, he admitted to still loving her and possibly being there even if the baby wasn't his. Did I imagine this?

[Almond_Joy]

I'm doing a little therapy, but it's not helping. I'm going to stick with it though and see what happens.

 

I just had my whole life planned out and this kid will put the whole thing out of whack... I was finishing my masters in business, I was going to take over for one of my dad's partners who's stepping down in September, I was going to buy everything I've ever wanted, and I wasn't going to have to answer to any woman of child for my actions. I was going to help my mother leave him which is a full time job. I don't have time for kids.

 

I love this woman, I do, when she's not being bat**** crazy. My love for her takes a hit when she starts pulling the crazy card on me. I was a little worried about the baby being that loser's kid, but she's not.

 

I'm not a good person. I'm him without beating women. I'm a jerk, I fight, I yell, I act like I'm the greatest, and I hate it. His rage is in me, I lose control just like he does. I grew up with it, I know it sucks. I don't want someone else to go through that

 

It sounds like outside of your anger issue, you are very self-aware, responsible, and dedicated to the people you love. Your good traits can't solve everything, but you'd probably be surprised at how far they will take you in your effort to do right by your child and girlfriend.

 

I hear you on having your plans thrown out of whack. It's very dissapointing and frustrating. But that's water under the bridge now. There's nothing to be done about the plan you had, you just have to make a new one now. I think as long as you keep trying to check your anger, you will be a good father. Your childhood does not have to repeat itself. You're your own man and you're making a choice to change that pattern. Stick with that choice and you can do it, I truly believe you can from what you've shared here.

 

I hope that you'll be able to embrace the challenges and the gifts of raising a child. I've pretty much decided I don't want kids because I'm really not sure if I'm up to all the challenges that come with that. In your case you don't have that choice. I think if you look past the challenges you will have so much joy from having a child. Most parents I talk to say that - it's a lot of work but so worth it.

 

Good luck.

[turnera]

I'm doing a little therapy, but it's not helping. I'm going to stick with it though and see what happens.

It takes a long time for therapy to help. You have a LOT of stuff with your parents to work through. But think how bad off you'd be if you were NOT getting the therapy.

 

I just had my whole life planned out and this kid will put the whole thing out of whack... I was finishing my masters in business, I was going to take over for one of my dad's partners who's stepping down in September, I was going to buy everything I've ever wanted, and I wasn't going to have to answer to any woman of child for my actions. I was going to help my mother leave him which is a full time job. I don't have time for kids.

I can count at least 8 friends of my DD23 who found themselves in the same boat as you - had to change plans and make new, better plans. Not a single one of them regrets their child; in fact, nearly every one has said having that child is the best thing that ever happened to them. It's hard to see it from the BEFORE side of things, but I suspect it'll happen to you, too.

 

 

DD23 just graduated and is doing research to be able to get into a PhD program, so she plans on being done with school in about 8 more years. She fully plans to meet her 'one' and get engaged, maybe married, and maybe start a family along the way. She'll be busy as hell with all that, but she figures that doing it with her partner is just part of life, how you do it - together. If your girl isn't the 'one,' that's fine. But being part of your daughter's life doesn't require that.

 

I'm not a good person. I'm him without beating women. I'm a jerk, I fight, I yell, I act like I'm the greatest, and I hate it. His rage is in me, I lose control just like he does. I grew up with it, I know it sucks. I don't want someone else to go through that

Nah, you're just young. You're not your dad, you're fully AWARE of what makes him wrong. You're in therapy. You CARE. You'll never be him. And I dare say you'll be a wonderful father for that little baby girl.

[pink_sugar]

It takes a long time for therapy to help. You have a LOT of stuff with your parents to work through. But think how bad off you'd be if you were NOT getting the therapy.

 

I can count at least 8 friends of my DD23 who found themselves in the same boat as you - had to change plans and make new, better plans. Not a single one of them regrets their child; in fact, nearly every one has said having that child is the best thing that ever happened to them. It's hard to see it from the BEFORE side of things, but I suspect it'll happen to you, too.

 

 

DD23 just graduated and is doing research to be able to get into a PhD program, so she plans on being done with school in about 8 more years. She fully plans to meet her 'one' and get engaged, maybe married, and maybe start a family along the way. She'll be busy as hell with all that, but she figures that doing it with her partner is just part of life, how you do it - together. If your girl isn't the 'one,' that's fine. But being part of your daughter's life doesn't require that.

 

Nah, you're just young. You're not your dad, you're fully AWARE of what makes him wrong. You're in therapy. You CARE. You'll never be him. And I dare say you'll be a wonderful father for that little baby girl.

 

 

These are some good points, however, it is important to note that there are parents who love their kids very much, but are hesitant to actually admit having kids was a bad idea, even if they had kids in better circumstances. Some people just aren't cut out to be parents. Most people who do regret the decision don't readily admit it, but they are definitely out there.

[Rude boy]

I got a nasty text from her about how dare I be out with 'her' no idea who she's talking about... I went out with my dad and his two partners because I'm taking over for one in September. I told her there's no one else in my life. She doesn't believe me. I am just bugged about her texting me about it