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Girlfriend is pregnant. I really don't want it

Rude boy

By Rude boy
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pink_sugar Established Member

pink_sugar

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I got a nasty text from her about how dare I be out with 'her' no idea who she's talking about... I went out with my dad and his two partners because I'm taking over for one in September. I told her there's no one else in my life. She doesn't believe me. I am just bugged about her texting me about it

 

All the more reason for you to stay away with her and limit your conversations, if any, to the baby only. I can definitely understand why you don't want any involvement with her period. She really has some serious issues she needs to work on.

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Rude boy Established Member

Rude boy

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She's really sick with the Flu... I don't know what to do. Do I stay away? Do I go help her? I mean I don't want anything bad to happen to them. I just am so lost in my life. I have no one on my side...

Arabella Established Member

Arabella

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She's really sick with the Flu... I don't know what to do. Do I stay away? Do I go help her? I mean I don't want anything bad to happen to them. I just am so lost in my life. I have no one on my side...

 

Well, she IS pregnant with your child. Whether you choose to be with her or not, it doesn't hurt to be a decent person and help her out like anyone who cares for her would do.

 

Bring her some chicken noodle soup, medicine (check with the pharmacist that it's ok for her to take while pregnant) and help her do some chores around the house.

 

And don't start drama. Keep the conversation light...

pink_sugar Established Member

pink_sugar

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From what I can recall, this girl has family that is capable of helping her. I would discourage the OP from any sort of contact with her right now as his help will be perceived as more than it is.

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VeronicaRoss Established Member

VeronicaRoss

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Watch and see if that little girl of yours doesn't have you wrapped around her little pinky finger and softening your rough patches in no time. All the best!

 

It doesn't matter how cute a little girl is she can't make a man love her or want to be a father, or able to be a father. That kind of denial and masking helps no one, just the opposite.

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Rude boy Established Member

Rude boy

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I went and took her soup, rolls, sprite, Gatorade, bought a thermometer, and medicine. She couldn't keep it down. I got her in the bathtub. She was so shaky I had to pick her up and take her to her room. Her temperature is in the hundreds. I'm going back later to check on her.

 

She didn't talk much. The only real thing she said was I'd want the baby if it was with my ex. I told her I wouldn't want her baby either and she stopped talking.

 

I'm such a bad person. I don't understand why she would want my kid in the first place.

pink_sugar Established Member

pink_sugar

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I went and took her soup, rolls, sprite, Gatorade, bought a thermometer, and medicine. She couldn't keep it down. I got her in the bathtub. She was so shaky I had to pick her up and take her to her room. Her temperature is in the hundreds. I'm going back later to check on her.

 

She didn't talk much. The only real thing she said was I'd want the baby if it was with my ex. I told her I wouldn't want her baby either and she stopped talking.

 

I'm such a bad person. I don't understand why she would want my kid in the first place.

 

How are you the bad person RB? You went way above and beyond. Have you asked yourself why you feel it is your responsibility to care for her? You don't want to be with her or plan to care for the baby.

DaisyLeigh1967 Established Member

DaisyLeigh1967

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Geez just leave her be.

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Rude boy Established Member

Rude boy

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I've known her for a long time, and dated her for three years. She had a crush on me in high school, but I was with someone else. Then she was with someone else so it had to wait. I love her. I feel bad she's sick. I went to help her because like someone said, that is my baby girl.

 

I know that it's not ok to not want your kid. I know it's not ok to leave a pregnant woman, and I still did it. Therefore I'm not a good person.

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Rude boy Established Member

Rude boy

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She's doing better. She can only keep a few things down but at least she can do that. I was really worried for a few days.

pink_sugar Established Member

pink_sugar

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So you love her in a plantonic way?

scorpio1978 Established Member

scorpio1978

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Yeah, I am confused and sense that you are too. Very much. You are so angry with her, yet you still love her. Fine, I get that. You don't want "the kid", but still claimed when the momma was sick that "that's my baby girl". Darnit, RB, make up your mind!

 

 

If you don't want to be with the mother, then fine. If you don't want this baby, then why on earth bother to go over and try to take care of them? She has friends and family. Leave the girl alone already. Or, better yet, get some therapy to help you figure out why you have so much self loathing. You are not a bad person at all. You clearly care. I think the only thing here stopping you from being the kind of dad you can be (a good one I think) is you.

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Rude boy Established Member

Rude boy

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I don't want there to be negative effects to the baby if she's sick. With all te BS to have something else go wrong Would pose even more problems for me in the long run.

 

I still have feelings for her. I just can't be with someone who cheated on me and roped me into being a dad. It's not something I'm cut out for and I don't want to be. There's no getting away from the fact I'll be paying for this girl for a long time. That doesn't mean I should have to be around or want to. Ideally, all I'd have to do is write a check every month and that be it. That would be my preferred parenting position.

scorpio1978 Established Member

scorpio1978

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I don't want there to be negative effects to the baby if she's sick. With all te BS to have something else go wrong Would pose even more problems for me in the long run.

 

I still have feelings for her. I just can't be with someone who cheated on me and roped me into being a dad. It's not something I'm cut out for and I don't want to be. There's no getting away from the fact I'll be paying for this girl for a long time. That doesn't mean I should have to be around or want to. Ideally, all I'd have to do is write a check every month and that be it. That would be my preferred parenting position.

 

 

 

That said, I think you need to cut all contact. From a female who is currently pregnant and not with the father of my daughter, I can only speak from my experience and perspective, but you are sending a different message when you show up like a caregiver to a woman you don't want to be with and to a baby that you don't want. The line needs to be drawn here. If the issue is that you truly don't want to be a father, then don't be. But, if it's more that you just don't think you will be a good one because of the issues stemming from your father, then that is fixable.

 

 

Overall, I think you have the ability to be a good father because you see faults and recognize them and admit where you have shortcomings, but the issue is that you don't want to be. I think you will overall come off more like a bad person if you keep stepping in and out. You didn't have to go over there at all, but you did and there was no reason to. I am not sure what you were trying to accomplish. It just confuses the situation and if I were the mother of your baby and you were nursing me back to health, darn right I would think you were coming around. The fact that you aren't and did that for other reasons, unforeseen to me personally, is just wrong.

 

 

Seriously, if you have no intention of stepping up, then step completely out and leave them both alone.

 

 

I wish you the best of luck and hope the mother of your daughter can wish you the same and you both can let go. If that is truly for the best, then let it be.

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Eivuwan Established Member

Eivuwan

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Hi OP, I read this thread and you are going through so much right now. There isn't much for me to say that hasn't been said by other people. I am just wondering what type of therapy you had in the past and what kind you are having now? For therapy to work, it is important that you go consistently, work at it, and pick a therapist who you have decent rapport with. What about the therapy isn't working for you? Why did you stop in the past? I can see that with all you have been through, it is especially difficult for you to feel the effects of therapy in the short-term. You have good insight about yourself, but you have no hope that you can be a different person, or that you can have healthy relationships with people. That is the main problem that I see. I don't think you know what a good relationship looks and feels like so you picked this extremely dependent and insecure girl to be your gf. You are indeed replaying parts of the interaction between your father and mother, but it doesn't have to be that way. You are still young and have many opportunities to further develop as a person.

pink_sugar Established Member

pink_sugar

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That said, I think you need to cut all contact. From a female who is currently pregnant and not with the father of my daughter, I can only speak from my experience and perspective, but you are sending a different message when you show up like a caregiver to a woman you don't want to be with and to a baby that you don't want. The line needs to be drawn here. If the issue is that you truly don't want to be a father, then don't be. But, if it's more that you just don't think you will be a good one because of the issues stemming from your father, then that is fixable.

 

 

Overall, I think you have the ability to be a good father because you see faults and recognize them and admit where you have shortcomings, but the issue is that you don't want to be. I think you will overall come off more like a bad person if you keep stepping in and out. You didn't have to go over there at all, but you did and there was no reason to. I am not sure what you were trying to accomplish. It just confuses the situation and if I were the mother of your baby and you were nursing me back to health, darn right I would think you were coming around. The fact that you aren't and did that for other reasons, unforeseen to me personally, is just wrong.

 

 

Seriously, if you have no intention of stepping up, then step completely out and leave them both alone.

 

 

I wish you the best of luck and hope the mother of your daughter can wish you the same and you both can let go. If that is truly for the best, then let it be.

 

This right here. Agree 100%.

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Rude boy Established Member

Rude boy

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She text me last night and told me she thought she was having contractions. She's not due until June! I freaked out and went over there and they stopped... I don't think she was lying. Has anyone ever experienced this? She grabbed my hand and put it on her stomach. I could feel the baby move. That was cool I've never felt something like that before.

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whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

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She text me last night and told me she thought she was having contractions. She's not due until June! I freaked out and went over there and they stopped... I don't think she was lying. Has anyone ever experienced this? She grabbed my hand and put it on her stomach. I could feel the baby move. That was cool I've never felt something like that before.

 

Take her to the Dr either way, especially if she continues to have contractions. If it's true she is having them, she has to be checked out. If she refuses to go, then involve her mom to influence her to get medical help and see that the baby is at risk. You'll know soon enough if she is crying wolf and manipulating you.

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preraph Established Member

preraph

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I think there's a possibility she's just trying to force you to stay connected. Maybe not, but as you said, so far she's lied and cheated, and probably gotten pregnant to trap you. So she's not above anything.

 

Once you set up child support with the state (if you're in the US), you pay the state and they pay her, so there doesn't have to be any interaction if it becomes uncomfortable.

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Rude boy Established Member

Rude boy

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Hi OP, I read this thread and you are going through so much right now. There isn't much for me to say that hasn't been said by other people. I am just wondering what type of therapy you had in the past and what kind you are having now? For therapy to work, it is important that you go consistently, work at it, and pick a therapist who you have decent rapport with. What about the therapy isn't working for you? Why did you stop in the past? I can see that with all you have been through, it is especially difficult for you to feel the effects of therapy in the short-term. You have good insight about yourself, but you have no hope that you can be a different person, or that you can have healthy relationships with people. That is the main problem that I see. I don't think you know what a good relationship looks and feels like so you picked this extremely dependent and insecure girl to be your gf. You are indeed replaying parts of the interaction between your father and mother, but it doesn't have to be that way. You are still young and have many opportunities to further develop as a person.
sorry, I didn't see this one. I did individual therapy for six months when I was twenty. I was even worse then. But I never saw any improvement and it took too much time. I'm doing individual therapy again but not often. It's never been something I'm comfortable with. It always was something that my Mom did and so we were automatically told crazy people went to therapy. That negative stigma stuck with me.

 

I feel like an idiot for running over there the way I did. I'm so conflicted. I don't want to look bad, I don't want to hurt anyone, I just want my life back.

turnera Established Member

turnera

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I had fake contractions for the 3 months leading up to the birth. It's pretty common.

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scorpio1978 Established Member

scorpio1978

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sorry, I didn't see this one. I did individual therapy for six months when I was twenty. I was even worse then. But I never saw any improvement and it took too much time. I'm doing individual therapy again but not often. It's never been something I'm comfortable with. It always was something that my Mom did and so we were automatically told crazy people went to therapy. That negative stigma stuck with me.

 

I feel like an idiot for running over there the way I did. I'm so conflicted. I don't want to look bad, I don't want to hurt anyone, I just want my life back.

 

 

 

Seems you care more about how you look to others than doing the right thing here. Sorry, but that is how it seems. What is the right thing, you may ask? Only you can decide that. You want your life back? Take it back. Cut ties or don't. You are making it worse with this half-in and half-out mentality. She obviously feels comfortable enough to call you when she was having "contractions" (look up Braxton Hicks, btw), so you haven't likely been firm about what you want at all with her. I wonder If you come on here and tell us how you really feel, but show a different, more supportive side to her face. If you said half the things to her that you have posted here, I doubt she would be calling on you, unless she is hormonal and desperate. What are you going to do when she calls you and is really in labor? Are you going to be there for a child you supposedly don't want? Why or why not?

thinkingofhim Established Member

thinkingofhim

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Agree with the rest, if you don't intend to be a dad, stop being a part-time partner to this girl. Fading in and out of her/the kid's life isn't doing anyone any favors.

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rumbleseat Established Member

rumbleseat

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OP,

 

I don't really like to talk bout it, but I'll make an exception here.

 

When I was very young (15) I ahd a very abusive boyfriend who was a fair bit older than me.

Long story short, i got pregnant. I knew I wasn't ready to be a mom, so I placed my daughter for adoption. It was the hardest thing I ever did. as a mother or father, your child is always a part of you, but I did my best to move on.

 

She's in her 20's now.

 

 

I was adopted myself, and I love my adoptive parents. to me, they are my parents, and the only tie I feel to my biological ones is that i would like to find out the source of some genetic health issues that seem to run in my biological family.

 

I figured that since it never mattered much to me that I was adopted, it wouldn't to her either.

 

i was wrong. She found me, and had so many questions.

 

My point is that you will always be a parent, no matter how much you may try and deny that. While this doesn't mean that you need to play a role in your child's life, it does mean that you have some very tough decisions to make. Some day, you may find yourself where I was, when your child comes to you and wants to know why you walked away.

 

Based on what your posts say, it doesn't sound as if either one of you is really in a position to be a parent. There is no shame in that. This girl sounds "unstable" ( putting it nicely, putting it bluntly, she sounds manipulative and like she has some sort of personality issue that would make her very difficult to live with). It sounds like due to your father's behavior, you have some issues too.

 

If you don't feel ready to be a dad, you could be right. I know I wasn't read, to be a mom when I was so young and my life was unstable. Fast forward and I have kids now and am a fairly decent parent.

 

No one can give you an easy answer here, as there isn't any. You have to do what you feel is right for you and your daughter. Don't worry about this girl, your mother or anyone else.

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Rude boy Established Member

Rude boy

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Her crush on me in high school was, obsessive. I had to tell her to back off junior year, and it broke her heart. She still talks about it. I know she's got some problems. I also know that this is important to her.

 

You're right. I care what people think, I care about being the bad guy. That's why I keep hesitating.

 

I don't want to hurt anyone. I also don't want a kid who's afraid of me. I don't think I'm strong enough to not get worked up. I've seen it for so long, I've done it for so long, That it overpowers me.

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