Trimmer Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 (edited) Perhaps switch to a therapist who is more empathetic? There's no point in going to someone you feel uncomfortable with. While you are ultimately the one responsible for changes in your life, a therapist who is a good fit would make it much easier. Although it is worth pointing out that there's a difference between therapy that is uncomfortable, and a therapist you are not comfortable with. Depending on what you are trying to work out - and much like many worthwhile endeavours - therapy can be uncomfortable, and you need to be willing to work through that discomfort to benefit from it. Confronting yourself is often uncomfortable, and there's a degree to which you can't avoid that. Even the best therapist isn't going to be able to make that process like a visit to an amusement park. But if it's truly the therapist that you don't connect with or don't trust, then I'm agreement with Eivuwan that it's worth trying another one (or ones) until you find someone you trust. Edited July 19, 2014 by Trimmer 3 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 Rudeboy, you're rich. You're smart. Why don't you just set up weekly therapy appointments that you AND the baby's mother go to? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted July 20, 2014 Author Share Posted July 20, 2014 Like couples counseling? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 Like couples counseling? You and her should do counseling so you both can learn to co parent together.. Do not get back with her as a romantic couple, that ship has sailed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Eivuwan Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 She also seriously needs her own individual counseling. The parent counseling shouldn't replace your individual counseling by the way. It should be an addition. Also, have you told your therapist about how you feel about her blaming you for things and how it's making you uncomfortable in therapy? It is very important that we feel comfortable with our therapist or progress would be difficult. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 well, basically any counseling she'll agree to. Therapists know a LOT. My DD23 is getting a psychology PhD and even with just her Bachelors, she knows a LOT of stuff, and she still has 7-8 more years of learning to do. And the therapists I've gone to have really helped me learn stuff I didn't realize I didn't know, and recognize things I wouldn't have seen on my own, and given suggestions to change things that have really helped. Single, couples, parenting, whatever fits, will help. We aren't born with instruction manuals, right? So let the experts guide you guys on this stuff. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted July 22, 2014 Author Share Posted July 22, 2014 My ex called me crying this morning. Apparently her cousin had a baby and sent out birth announcements so now she's upset. We didn't send any out because the baby was so sick. It just wasn't important at the time and now she feels left out. She didn't even get a real baby shower... It'd probably be weird to send stuff out now but is there anything I can do? Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 *shrug* You can do anything you want any TIME you want. There's no 'rule' out there that says how you have to do anything. Is she seeing a therapist? She sure cries a lot. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 It'd probably be weird to send stuff out now but is there anything I can do? Not weird at all. Our son was born a month early. We didn't have newborn pictures taken until three months after he was born, and I never did an official birth announcement. I sent out a holiday card with a picture of him, five months later. Anyone who knows you guys will understand why announcements weren't sent out right away. And if they don't understand, that's their problem. Has she been screened for PPD? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 *shrug* You can do anything you want any TIME you want. There's no 'rule' out there that says how you have to do anything. Is she seeing a therapist? She sure cries a lot. I agree in this day and age. I remember getting thank you cards from a couple one year after their wedding! Life happens. Send it out when it's convenient for you. As for the baby shower, if you're in touch with her friends or know how to reach them, you can try and get a belated shower set up for her if she hasn't already had one. Or maybe see if one of her friends wouldn't mind hosting and preparing a small shower. *shrugs* I never got a bridal shower and it was never really a big deal. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabella Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 My ex called me crying this morning. Apparently her cousin had a baby and sent out birth announcements so now she's upset. We didn't send any out because the baby was so sick. It just wasn't important at the time and now she feels left out. She didn't even get a real baby shower... It'd probably be weird to send stuff out now but is there anything I can do? Since you have the means, why don't you take your babygirl to a professional photo studio and have a nice photo session? Don't forget to also have the photographer take a shot or two with mom and dad. You can frame one of the family shots and give it to your ex, and then pick one of the pictures to send out a birth announcement. Given that she was a sickly preemie, it totally makes sense to do it now rather than before. I think this would probably lift your ex's spirits quite a bit 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted July 24, 2014 Author Share Posted July 24, 2014 I've got an appointment with a friend of ours to get our pictures taken Friday. My ex wants to go shopping so that we all match... I've never understood the matching family picture thing, my mom is big on it too. I do think she has ppd. She has a lot of symptoms... It scares me a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabella Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 I've got an appointment with a friend of ours to get our pictures taken Friday. My ex wants to go shopping so that we all match... I've never understood the matching family picture thing, my mom is big on it too. I do think she has ppd. She has a lot of symptoms... It scares me a lot. Hahah ugh, I dunno about the matching thing... but if it makes her happy, it's not really a big deal, is it? You both have been through a lot, and made lots of mistakes... but, IMHO, this relationship is far from dead. It's very damaged, yes... but if you love her still, it's worth trying to repair it. I don't think you will be able to do this without counseling and medical assistance, though. When I gave birth earlier in the year, the first 2 months afterwards, I was pretty much an emotional wreck. Not quite PPD yet but getting there fast. My OBGYN saw it before I did, and put me on a low-dose antidepressant which worked wonders for me. Take her to see her doctor and make sure they screen her for PPD and prescribe an SSRI if warranted. It will really help her. Medication isn't a cure-all, though. You two have emotional problems that need to be worked out, together and separately. Find another therapist that you trust, and encourage her to do the same for herself. If you eventually decide that you would also like to give your relationship another shot, then find a couple's counselor as well and go together. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 Hahah ugh, I dunno about the matching thing... but if it makes her happy, it's not really a big deal, is it? I think it is a big deal. It will present an image of unity and the Mother of the Child could continue to use it as emotional leverage to the farce of a relationship that she is trying to obtain with the OP. Personally, I wouldn't buy into the matching thing, Rude Boy. Nor would I suggest that you are ALL in the picture. Just take a pic of the baby and send that. Keep yourself separated from the Mother in regards to establishing the appearance of being a couple. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Arabella Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 I think it is a big deal. It will present an image of unity and the Mother of the Child could continue to use it as emotional leverage to the farce of a relationship that she is trying to obtain with the OP. Personally, I wouldn't buy into the matching thing, Rude Boy. Nor would I suggest that you are ALL in the picture. Just take a pic of the baby and send that. Keep yourself separated from the Mother in regards to establishing the appearance of being a couple. Whether the two of them are together or not, they ARE family. I don't see anything wrong with a picture of them together with the child they have created. Birth announcements are usually a picture of the baby only, but it's nice to take a few extra shots for them to keep. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 I guess I look at the definition of "family" quite differently and think this scenario is far from a family... He is a father, yes. She is a mother, yes. But are divorced parents of children still considered a family when considering the whole unit? I think creating those picture with the matching outfits is buying into the girl's continual drama of expecting a reconciliation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Arabella Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 I guess I look at the definition of "family" quite differently and think this scenario is far from a family... He is a father, yes. She is a mother, yes. But are divorced parents of children still considered a family when considering the whole unit? I think creating those picture with the matching outfits is buying into the girl's continual drama of expecting a reconciliation. Personally, I do think the matching outfits are too much but that's just me. As far as reconciliation, Rudeboy has stated many times that he still loves this girl and wants to be with her. Her cheating seems to be what's holding him back, and with good reason. He should sort that out, but in the meantime... If he feels OK doing these pictures with her, I think he should. If he does not, then don't. It's that simple, really. In my opinion, they are and always will be a family... even if they aren't together. She will always be their baby's mom, and he will always be her father... in other words, they will always be HER family. I wouldn't want to have to tell my child later on, when she asks why I don't have any pictures of all of us together, that we just weren't civil enough to pose together for a portrait. I think that's just ridiculous. It's a nice memento of their time together and the beautiful child they created, if nothing else. They can look back later on and appreciate it for what it is. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 'matching', no. Colour coordinated, yes. Even if you decide not to get the 'family' shot done, your daughter will likely want a panel that includes the three of you when she is older. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 Personally, I do think the matching outfits are too much but that's just me. As far as reconciliation, Rudeboy has stated many times that he still loves this girl and wants to be with her. Her cheating seems to be what's holding him back, and with good reason. He should sort that out, but in the meantime... If he feels OK doing these pictures with her, I think he should. If he does not, then don't. It's that simple, really. In my opinion, they are and always will be a family... even if they aren't together. She will always be their baby's mom, and he will always be her father... in other words, they will always be HER family. I wouldn't want to have to tell my child later on, when she asks why I don't have any pictures of all of us together, that we just weren't civil enough to pose together for a portrait. I think that's just ridiculous. It's a nice memento of their time together and the beautiful child they created, if nothing else. They can look back later on and appreciate it for what it is. The only "family" pictures I have are ones of when I was maybe a year old. My parents divorced when I was young and their relationship has been acrimonious most of my life. It was just life for me. Do I wonder sometimes what life would have been like if they were on better terms? Sure. My husband's parents divorced when he was a baby and most of the baby shots are single photos. This isn't a graduation or something in otherwords that requires images of the parents together. IMO until they sort things out, they should just get some shots of the baby to send out rather than pretend to be a happy go lucky family for family cards. Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 Enjoy your shoot. Relax and have fun with it. If you are feeling the family shot, go for it. If not, don't. You might be surprised by the moments and emotion your photographer will capture. I'm pretty confident they won't be fake. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted July 25, 2014 Author Share Posted July 25, 2014 I told her that I wouldn't wear the same color as her, but I'd wear a light color. So I got a different color shirt. I'm paying enough for tomorrow, so there will probably be a few pictures of us too. That in no way means that there's an "us". I'm pretty excited for the pictures. We got her the perfect little pink dress. I love it! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Arabella Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 The only "family" pictures I have are ones of when I was maybe a year old. My parents divorced when I was young and their relationship has been acrimonious most of my life. It was just life for me. Do I wonder sometimes what life would have been like if they were on better terms? Sure. My husband's parents divorced when he was a baby and most of the baby shots are single photos. This isn't a graduation or something in otherwords that requires images of the parents together. IMO until they sort things out, they should just get some shots of the baby to send out rather than pretend to be a happy go lucky family for family cards. Maybe it's because I'm a little older than you, and my parents are now gone, but I sure wish I had more photos from my childhood, especially together ones. So, while I understand where you're coming from, I think you might change your mind later on. I don't know where the whole family card thing comes from though. If you go back and read what I posted, I only suggested taking a family shot for them to keep and frame as a memento, and send out a picture of the baby only. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
yessy21 Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 all I hear are excuses Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 Maybe it's because I'm a little older than you, and my parents are now gone, but I sure wish I had more photos from my childhood, especially together ones. So, while I understand where you're coming from, I think you might change your mind later on. I don't know where the whole family card thing comes from though. If you go back and read what I posted, I only suggested taking a family shot for them to keep and frame as a memento, and send out a picture of the baby only. That could be true. I know my husband's parents are now both gone, he's never really shown any desire to have more pictures of them together. Both of our parents were divorced before we could even remember them even being together, so I suppose it's hard to miss what you didn't have. I'm just happy when both my parents can be in the same room and be civil to one another. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arabella Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 Hey RB, let us know how the photo session went! Do we get to see a picture of your precious munchkin? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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