Girlfriend is pregnant. I really don't want it

August 9, 2014

She admitted to self harm at the doctor. He put her on medication, but now she can't breast feed. She cried quietly all the way home and said she was a bad partner, mother, and person.

There is a lot of pressure on new moms to breastfeed. It's healthier, of course, but sometimes...breastfeeding just can't work out. I wasn't able to breastfeed, I had no supply whatsoever. And it KILLED me...I thought I was the worst mom in the world because I couldn't feed my baby. He drank formula, and he was fine. He was a preemie too (not as early as yours) and now I look at it that the formula helped him grow, which is what he needed at that time.

I guess just emphasize that she is still a caring mom even if she can't currently breastfeed, and that your girl will be fine. Like I said, it's hard when you can't for whatever reason.

I can't speak to how to keep a supply over that temporary time though...maybe talk to a lactation consultant and explain the situation? They would be most knowledgable. The hospital where she delivered should have recommendations, if not LCs themselves to help.

August 9, 2014

This is not a case of a woman who CAN'T breastfeed. This is a woman who is breastfeeding just fine and her doctor is just not knowledgeable enough about it so he's erring on the side of caution. He may be a great psychiatrist but he clearly doesn't know what he's talking about when it comes to breastfeeding.

What does he expect is it going to accomplish not to breastfeed for one or two weeks? It's not like she won't still be taking the medication after that!

Seriously, do some research about her specific medication (which sounds like you have) and then have her give her OBGYN a call. A midwife or a lactation consultant would be even better... they see this all the time!

If nothing else, get in touch with your local chapter of La Leche League, who will be able to provide you with all the resources she may need:

LLLI | Home

August 10, 2014

This is not a case of a woman who CAN'T breastfeed. This is a woman who is breastfeeding just fine and her doctor is just not knowledgeable enough about it so he's erring on the side of caution. He may be a great psychiatrist but he clearly doesn't know what he's talking about when it comes to breastfeeding.

What does he expect is it going to accomplish not to breastfeed for one or two weeks? It's not like she won't still be taking the medication after that!

Seriously, do some research about her specific medication (which sounds like you have) and then have her give her OBGYN a call. A midwife or a lactation consultant would be even better... they see this all the time!

If nothing else, get in touch with your local chapter of La Leche League, who will be able to provide you with all the resources she may need:

LLLI | Home

Yes, I know, I read the post. I was just speaking to the idea of her being upset that she couldn't breastfeed at that time. And I did recommend contacting a lactation consultant, either through her delivery hospital or elsewhere. La Leche would be a great place to start.

August 10, 2014

Message deleted.

Edited August 10, 2014 by Astrolink

August 11, 2014

Rude Boy, I'm coming into this post late in the game and have been trying to read all your previous comments, but it's difficult given he length of this thread. Anyway, I just want to say that, to me, you sound like a very sensitive, intelligent, and caring person. I can completely understand why you were resistant to having a child but I also admire how you have come to love your little girl so much.

The truth is, you're thoughtful and you knew ahead of time what a huge responsibility it is to raise children. I personally think you're an outstanding person who has been through a lot of really horrific and heartbreaking things.

Here's something though that I hope you'll be think about. Your girlfriend is a drama queen in the truest sense. Not only that, she has been physically abusive to you, and she manipulates you through things like threatening suicide and even cheating. This isn't normal behavior and it does not have the makings of a stable marriage. And, worse, they're symptoms of a deeper problem. Her actions and words have been completely off the wall.

What I want you to consider is to wait and give it a LOT of thought if you're thinking of marrying this girl. The reason I say this is because I have a relative who married a girl who is a lot like your gf and he is paying the price in a huge way now. Three kids and 10 yrs later, he is truly living in hell every day of his life. He 100% regrets marrying this nutcase. She is mean to him and she's mean to her kids. She hits him, screams at him and she basically has no boundaries. And she got pregnant before they married.

Women who play the pregnant game are very unstable and insecure. She manipulated the situation and forced something on you for her own selfish reasons. Of course, your daughter is a prize in your life and I'm not talking about her at all. What I'm worried about is the lengths this woman will go to control you. What she's doing is not love and it's not flattering.

I know you keep saying that you're a lot like your dad, but I don't really see it that way. I see the opposite - that your gf is like your dad and you're taking the role of your mom - defending her, staying because you feel obligated or because you love her. I'm not saying that you're currently doing anything wrong. What I am saying, though, is please proceed with extreme caution with this girl. She is pure trouble.

I think it would be a good idea to talk to her honestly, letting her know that you are hesitant to take the relationship further at this time because of her history. That way, she can stop dropping hints about friends who are getting engaged and she can stop wondering why you aren't asking her to marry you. I think the real reason you're not asking her is because, deep down, you know she's not right for you and your instincts are screaming at you to be careful. I thing you're just finding it hard to walk away from the relationship.

Another thing that you may not have noticed is that a lot of emotionally unstable people love to latch on to people who are mostly stable. The problem with that is that you won't be able to sustain being with her for very long because you're not geared to handle her crazy behavior. Because of your upbringing, though, you've come to expect this controlling, manipulative type of behavior.

I guess all I'm trying to say is that I can tell that you're extremely deep and caring and I don't think you realize yet just how unique you are. Please, just don't do something you'll regret years down the road. Issues don't get better after marriage, they get magnified. Please remember that.

August 11, 2014

Yes, I know, I read the post. I was just speaking to the idea of her being upset that she couldn't breastfeed at that time. And I did recommend contacting a lactation consultant, either through her delivery hospital or elsewhere. La Leche would be a great place to start.

I couldn't produce milk either. It really does impact your self-esteem as a new mom.

August 11, 2014

Rude Boy, I'm coming into this post late in the game and have been trying to read all your previous comments, but it's difficult given he length of this thread. Anyway, I just want to say that, to me, you sound like a very sensitive, intelligent, and caring person. I can completely understand why you were resistant to having a child but I also admire how you have come to love your little girl so much.

The truth is, you're thoughtful and you knew ahead of time what a huge responsibility it is to raise children. I personally think you're an outstanding person who has been through a lot of really horrific and heartbreaking things.

Here's something though that I hope you'll be think about. Your girlfriend is a drama queen in the truest sense. Not only that, she has been physically abusive to you, and she manipulates you through things like threatening suicide and even cheating. This isn't normal behavior and it does not have the makings of a stable marriage. And, worse, they're symptoms of a deeper problem. Her actions and words have been completely off the wall.

What I want you to consider is to wait and give it a LOT of thought if you're thinking of marrying this girl. The reason I say this is because I have a relative who married a girl who is a lot like your gf and he is paying the price in a huge way now. Three kids and 10 yrs later, he is truly living in hell every day of his life. He 100% regrets marrying this nutcase. She is mean to him and she's mean to her kids. She hits him, screams at him and she basically has no boundaries. And she got pregnant before they married.

Women who play the pregnant game are very unstable and insecure. She manipulated the situation and forced something on you for her own selfish reasons. Of course, your daughter is a prize in your life and I'm not talking about her at all. What I'm worried about is the lengths this woman will go to control you. What she's doing is not love and it's not flattering.

I know you keep saying that you're a lot like your dad, but I don't really see it that way. I see the opposite - that your gf is like your dad and you're taking the role of your mom - defending her, staying because you feel obligated or because you love her. I'm not saying that you're currently doing anything wrong. What I am saying, though, is please proceed with extreme caution with this girl. She is pure trouble.

I think it would be a good idea to talk to her honestly, letting her know that you are hesitant to take the relationship further at this time because of her history. That way, she can stop dropping hints about friends who are getting engaged and she can stop wondering why you aren't asking her to marry you. I think the real reason you're not asking her is because, deep down, you know she's not right for you and your instincts are screaming at you to be careful. I thing you're just finding it hard to walk away from the relationship.

Another thing that you may not have noticed is that a lot of emotionally unstable people love to latch on to people who are mostly stable. The problem with that is that you won't be able to sustain being with her for very long because you're not geared to handle her crazy behavior. Because of your upbringing, though, you've come to expect this controlling, manipulative type of behavior.

I guess all I'm trying to say is that I can tell that you're extremely deep and caring and I don't think you realize yet just how unique you are. Please, just don't do something you'll regret years down the road. Issues don't get better after marriage, they get magnified. Please remember that.

I agree 110%! She needs to want to change and get help on her own. Not "I'll only go if you take me" crap. She's just doing this to satisfy you. If she truely wanted to change, she'd make the effort. And even then, it can take years for someone to change that much. Sometimes love isn't enough. She's just way too unstable. Has she ever been evaluated for BPD?

August 12, 2014

We got her into her ongyn tomorrow. Thank god the had a cancelation!!!!! A load is off my shoulders.

Bathtub, your post struck something in me. Thank you for your kind words. I'm just trying to be a good daddy. I have never seen my ex as abusive. I just think she's sad and confused and directs it at me because I'm her partner. My father, is what I consider abusive he's just mean to be mean...

The fight we got in when she cheated cemented my mindset of being my father. I said so many mean hateful things to her that's who I reminded myself of... She looked at me so frightened. That's when I decided I was a bad person.

I love her though. I want her to get better because I miss the way we use to be together. I miss her sweet personality, now it's been replaced by a girl who's a crying mess.

August 12, 2014

Thanks. I do love my girls, very very much. I feel so guilty for everything I've done and said. I'm going to work for the rest of my life to make it up to my sweet angel. I had no idea I'd be so in love with her. I love being a daddy."

- I can tell you are not like your dad. You are *what your name is* You are YOU, not him. Always remember that

Though I am not a fan in the least about having a baby when both parents are not on board with the idea, this case turned out well. I'm so glad. For all your sakes. I wish you good wishes to youand yourdaughter. Be proud. You're already not like your father.

August 12, 2014

I couldn't produce milk either. It really does impact your self-esteem as a new mom.

Indeed. Breastfeeding is difficult and many mothers are made to feel bad when they are unable to. Because of this, though... it is hugely important to a new mom who is able to successfully breastfeed.

The last thing this woman needs is to quit breastfeeding because of a misinformed doctor and become even more depressed.

Not to mention the host of health benefits the baby would miss out on.

August 12, 2014

We got her into her ongyn tomorrow. Thank god the had a cancelation!!!!! A load is off my shoulders.

Bathtub, your post struck something in me. Thank you for your kind words. I'm just trying to be a good daddy. I have never seen my ex as abusive. I just think she's sad and confused and directs it at me because I'm her partner. My father, is what I consider abusive he's just mean to be mean...

The fight we got in when she cheated cemented my mindset of being my father. I said so many mean hateful things to her that's who I reminded myself of... She looked at me so frightened. That's when I decided I was a bad person.

I love her though. I want her to get better because I miss the way we use to be together. I miss her sweet personality, now it's been replaced by a girl who's a crying mess.

How long were you together before baby? Sometimes it takes awhile to see how a person really is. A lot of people are generally on their best behavior early on in the relationship. I've often found myself longing for what my husband and I had when we met, but the reality is that we are both older and things have changed. We've been through a lot together and in some ways things won't be the same, but there is a new us that is appropriate after all we've been through. You need to stop blaming yourself though. Sometimes I wish I made different decisions, but I am doing the best I can with what I have. You have to accept that your relationship will not be what you once have had.

August 12, 2014

I have never seen my ex as abusive. I just think she's sad and confused and directs it at me because I'm her partner.

Being sad or confused doesn't make her actions any less abusive. You are making up excuses for her. Your mother probably uses this same line of reasoning when she forgives your father over and over again.

Edited August 13, 2014 by SpiralOut

August 13, 2014

Bathtub, your post struck something in me. Thank you for your kind words. I'm just trying to be a good daddy. I have never seen my ex as abusive. I just think she's sad and confused and directs it at me because I'm her partner. My father, is what I consider abusive he's just mean to be mean...

The fight we got in when she cheated cemented my mindset of being my father. I said so many mean hateful things to her that's who I reminded myself of... She looked at me so frightened. That's when I decided I was a bad person.

I love her though. I want her to get better because I miss the way we use to be together. I miss her sweet personality, now it's been replaced by a girl who's a crying mess.

Well, I hope I'm wrong about her. I really do. It's just that everything I read about her points in another direction. But I don't know her and I don't you. I'm just suggesting that you tread carefully...very carefully. I can't tell you how much the relative of mine regrets marrying the nutcase, drama queen he's married to. Very few things can compete with a bad marriage when it comes to dealing with deep regret.

August 13, 2014

Appointment went well. They put her on Zoloft, and she should be okay. I feel so much better.

We were together for three years before she got pregnant. Things were great, but I know they can't be now. I just feel bad about everything. I mean, this isn't the person I fell in love with anymore. I think she knows that too.

I know that the only thing I should focus on is my baby. I miss having a partner though... I just wish things would've worked between us.

August 13, 2014

Appointment went well. They put her on Zoloft, and she should be okay. I feel so much better.

Please keep in mind it takes several weeks for Zoloft to start working.

August 13, 2014

Appointment went well. They put her on Zoloft, and she should be okay. I feel so much better.

We were together for three years before she got pregnant. Things were great, but I know they can't be now. I just feel bad about everything. I mean, this isn't the person I fell in love with anymore. I think she knows that too.

I know that the only thing I should focus on is my baby. I miss having a partner though... I just wish things would've worked between us.

That is a good idea. The best thing you can do is to encourage your ex to get the help she needs. The sad truth is that people can either change or we found out who they really are, but they've been on their best behavior. I really do think the best thing is for the both of you to move on and continue working on yourselves and coparenting. For me it would personally be too hard to forgive not just the infidelity, but also the deception when tampering with your birth control. It is very very difficult to repair trust, especially when trust is broken like this.

August 15, 2014

Appointment went well. They put her on Zoloft, and she should be okay. I feel so much better.

We were together for three years before she got pregnant. Things were great, but I know they can't be now. I just feel bad about everything. I mean, this isn't the person I fell in love with anymore. I think she knows that too.

I know that the only thing I should focus on is my baby. I miss having a partner though... I just wish things would've worked between us.

My doctor told me it would take 4-6 weeks for it to start having effect. And even then, remember that there is a percentage of people for whom SSRIs don't work at all. So, keep your watch on her a while longer and make sure she's on the right track.

Things may not be awesome now, but they can be again -- in a different way. Of course she is not the woman you fell in love with. You are not the same man either. You both have been through a lot! Things like this change people, and not always for the better.

In her case, I really hope the medication will work and she will become a great mother and an even better partner. Remember, as much as she has made tons of mistakes... you two are pretty young, and can still learn from them and become better people.

Remain hopeful!

-A

August 18, 2014

My ex and I went to a house warming party tonight. Neither of us drank, when people asked why, her response didn't get a second look... She's nursing. But people cracked jokes on me all night ("Are you nursing too?") why is it such a big deal?!

People were very nice though when it came to the baby because pictures are mostly out now. "She's gorgeous." "You guys are so lucky." "She looks like a sweetheart." She is. She is so loving, and that makes it worth it. I love her with my whole heart. Before all this we would've been the first ones at the party and the last to leave. But we just couldn't wait to get back home with our sweet girl. she's just too wonderful.

August 18, 2014

She ended up calling me and asking me to go to a friend's for New Years, not wanting her to go alone, I went. She just watched me the whole time, I ran into my high school sweetheart. When she saw us talking she ran upstairs bawling so I followed her. She said she hates when I talk to other women because they flirt with me. I honestly don't even remember her flirting with me...

She spent more time crying about me not wanting the baby than anything else. I told her if I thought it was mine things would be different. She said she doesn't want it to be anyone else's baby because she would be lost without me. Then I told her about my mom and she cried some more. I showed her pictures and she said my dad is the scariest person she's ever met, he's never been rude to her, but she's seen him angry at my mom before and she never had been more afraid in her life.

I calmed her down, and we went back to the party. The guy she cheated on me with was there and started walking over to her, saw me, turned around and left. My best friend said its because he was worried I was going to beat him up.

My mom text my brothers and me at midnight that she and my dad loved us and wished we were together. My oldest brother responded he couldn't believe she was with him and I agreed. She didn't text back.

I took my girlfriend home and she begged me to stay over. So I did, she cried the whole night and said she messed up and she would do anything to take it back. I told her she can't, and our relationship won't recover.

Honestly she cheated on me. But everyone I've spoken to (my older brother, a mutual friend and her best friend) acts like I'm in the wrong. I don't get it.

I honestly don't think your in the wrong. She cheated on you. It's a 50/50 chance the baby is yours. I can't blame you for not wanting to care about the baby until you know for sure if it's yours. If it's not yours I hope you dump her. She deserves it.

August 18, 2014

I do feel bad about the way I've been acting... I do love her. I really do. But after all this I don't trust her, seeing the other guy brought up those feelings again. Seeing my mom hurt, made me think about how much I'm like my dad, and lately she's reminded me of my mom. But not the things I love about her...

She text me all day, please come over, please be with her and she's so sorry she did that to me. She sent me a text that said: I've loved you since I met you, I knew you were the one for me. I know you'd be the best daddy in the world and I can feel in my soul that this is our baby. I don't love him, I thought about you the whole time I was with him. I don't want to live without you by my side. You're the love of my life.

It reminds me of things my mom says to my dad, and it breaks my heart... I don't want to be them!

I've learned words are just words and actions speak louder than words. If she loved you and knew you were the one for her she never ever would have cheated. She is a two timer she did it once she will do it again. I've seen people I know cheat once then they did it again.

August 18, 2014

My ex and I went to a house warming party tonight. Neither of us drank, when people asked why, her response didn't get a second look... She's nursing. But people cracked jokes on me all night ("Are you nursing too?") why is it such a big deal?!

People were very nice though when it came to the baby because pictures are mostly out now. "She's gorgeous." "You guys are so lucky." "She looks like a sweetheart." She is. She is so loving, and that makes it worth it. I love her with my whole heart. Before all this we would've been the first ones at the party and the last to leave. But we just couldn't wait to get back home with our sweet girl. she's just too wonderful.

I am so happy that things are going well for you two .... It's a wise thing to reduce drinking

August 19, 2014

I just finally read this entire thread. Wow, this is interesting for sure.

So to make the dates work out, you had sex with her pretty much right after the infidelity incident. I have to ask if you are absolutely sure about the paternity results, because getting pregnant by a condom with holes in it is fairly hard to accomplish. Unless the holes are big enough to let a lot of liquid/semen seep out, and then it would be reasonably easy to see or feel the holes or for the condom to rip. If the holes are pin-sized, you have to squeeze the condom quite hard to get any semen or liquid out of those holes (try it). Yes, sperm are microscopic and it's POSSIBLE but it's not particularly likely - just wanted to point out to be sure the testing was absolute.

I'm also really surprised that they hospitalized her only for saying she was going to commit suicide during a stressful conversation. It's actually fairly hard to get admitted for suicide prevention reasons, even among people who have made an attempt and have a clear plan (usually the evaluation weeds out the others). I'm even more surprised that they asked you questions that would fall under her confidentiality rights - I have never seen that happen. And then they asked you if you abused her? Again, have never seen anything like that.

I guess there were just a few things about this thread that really bothered me. I'll keep it factual because I don't want to make accusations since obviously I don't know what happened from my position. But some of the things you said just seem odd. For example, your being able to hold her shortly after birth. You said she was very ill and that's the reason, but then I would imagine she was on a ventilator, umbilical lines, and all kinds of monitoring devices. When I worked in the NICU that just wasn't possible - simply had to wait until the baby was in a better situation although holding the hands/feet and touching were encouraged. (That reminds me too - you said a nurse told you that it's damaging to touch sick people? I can't imagine what nurse would EVER say that).

And then you mentioned a couple of times that right after you brought her home (when - given her prematurity - she was essentially not even a newborn yet) that she was 'giggling' and that when you played with her feet she pushed your hands away and giggled. Never in my life have I seen a newborn do that. Wow...

The most amazing thing to me is that an actual medical doctor would prescribe your ex a medication and then tell her to stop breastfeeding for "a week or two". Being uninformed is one thing, but that is way beyond "uninformed". Have never seen an MD who did not understand the basics of breast feeding to the point of not knowing that stopping breastfeeding for a week or two and then re-starting would not be possible. Even more baffling is, why would anyone say to only stop for 1-2 weeks for a medication that was ongoing? What would be the point in only stopping for 1-2 weeks? Makes zero sense and I just can't believe a physician would say that - or maybe there was some misunderstanding somewhere. Most physicians who are not EXTREMELY familiar with medications in pregnant and lactating women will not prescribe them at all, for legal reasons, and refer to an ob/gyn.

And your quitting drugs just overnight like that with only willpower after admitting that you had used since high school and that it was much worse lately - I can't imagine doing that. Most people need some kind of program to accomplish that and would have withdrawal (physical) symptoms that could be very severe.

Anyway, those are just a few of the things that seem really strange to me. I suppose I could have misunderstood all of it. If that is the case, I really hope that this little girl flourishes.

August 20, 2014

Her kicking my hand away wasn't a forceful "kick" she mostly likely twitched or something, "kicking my hand away" newborns are also capable of making many noises... It sounded like a giggle to me, but I had someone say it's usually a gas response and not a giggle. I don't know.

My drug problem? I have been tempted, and almost got some earlier today. I like drugs, they make me feel invincible. I try to isolate myself if I'm not with my child; who I would never use drugs around. My ex and I went to a housewarming party other than that I haven't really been out. Before anyone asks, no I don't want to go to rehab. Rehab is for people who are too weak to do it themselves.

I've got a baby I love that makes me want to get better. This girl is the only one I care about but myself....

August 20, 2014

My drug problem? I have been tempted, and almost got some earlier today. I like drugs, they make me feel invincible. I try to isolate myself if I'm not with my child; who I would never use drugs around. My ex and I went to a housewarming party other than that I haven't really been out. Before anyone asks, no I don't want to go to rehab. Rehab is for people who are too weak to do it themselves.

It's not about being "weak". People go to rehab in large part because getting off drugs (for people who used them more than occasionally) is dangerous in that it leads to very serious effects because of the physical dependence. Plus the physical and psychological dependence is very difficult to overcome and it's not a "weakness". If you were taking drugs daily for any length of time, then you would be physically addicted and getting off drugs requires a lot more than just deciding overnight to do it. But okay.

I've got a baby I love that makes me want to get better. This girl is the only one I care about but myself....

Great. Good luck and I wish everyone the best.

August 20, 2014

I have experienced withdrawals, I made a post about it and another poster said I was sounding sorry for myself. I didn't want it to turn into "Rude's pity party" so I've kept it off here.

Not to sound ungrateful to the other posters here in any way. You've all really helped me over the last few months and I thank you sincerely. I don't think I have said it enough. I really appreciate everyone who has supported me or gotten after me to change my behavior.

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Girlfriend is pregnant. I really don't want it

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