Should I stay or should I go?

[wanda]

Hi All! I really need some objective advice please. I've been in a relationship with a French guy for three years now and I'm really confused as to whether our relationship is a good one or a destructive one. You see, I don't want to place all the blame on him - it takes two to tango - and I need to know if you think our problems can be solved by hard work or if we are doomed to failure.

 

Our relationship started off on the phone. He came over from France for business, met with my boss and then needed my assistance for market research he was doing. He would phone me often for statistics and other information and eventually we started sharing a few personal details till a few months later, when he began calling me at home and we began making plans to get together. I visited him a few times in France and he came over here. On one of the visits, I accidentally fell pregnant and we decided to have an abortion because circumstances did not permit: we weren't living in the same country yet, we hadn't officially told my parents we were together yet and there was a race issue we needed to overcome (with my parents). He came over here to be with me for the termination, but could only stay for a few days. I later went to France to see him and to attend my best friend's wedding.

 

It was an extremely traumatic experience and I'm sure that I will always wonder whether I made the right decision for the rest of my life. My mother had also been diagnosed a year prior to this with cancer and I therefore did not want to create extra pain and stress by an illegitimate pregnancy and I certainly couldn't tell her about the abortion. It was a very lonely and traumatic time for me as I struggled to cope with the 'morning' sickness and the idea of being pregnant alone, while trying to be there for my mom, taking her for radiation therapy and trying to be positive and up-beat for her.

 

I never really gave myself the time or the opportunity to grieve the loss of our baby, but it haunts me still and my boyfriend doesn't like to talk about it, so I usually keep it to myself. He says he doesn't like to talk about it because it's really painful for him too, but sometimes I wonder... I really feel like it should be something we communicate about, but like many things in our relationship, we can't talk about it.

 

This is one of the main reasons why I think our relationship cannot work. We can't communicate openly. Almost every time I try, it seems to end up in an intense argument. It's like we speak different languages and have parallel conversations. Sometimes I'm flabbergasted by his reactions to what I say or do. Sure, it may be a result of cultural differences, but I tend to think it has more to do with incompatibility. Sometimes he scares me with the violence of his reactions and on more than one occasion, I thought I was close to pushing him over the edge and feared he might hit me. He has never actually done so, but if you had to ask me if he's capable of it, I would have to say yes. It would take a lot, and would probably be in a moment of utter rage and irrationality, but I think he could do it.

 

Once, he called me a 'fat cow' during a really intense argument and being extremely sensitive about my weight - and he knows it - I was crushed. I told him to be careful about what he says in an argument because some things you can never take back and they can cause great damage. I wish he could just argue the point instead of going on the attack. It seems as if every time he feels vulnerable or criticized, he feels he needs to anihilate the source of that vulnerability or criticism and believe me, he takes no prisoners.

 

SO mostly I try to avoid bringing up sensitive issues and over the past few years have noticed myself closing up more and more. I used to be a really bubbly, spontaneous person, but now I've become more guarded and reserved. My friends have noticed the change but don't seem to want to butt in and blame it on my relationship. That's good of them, because I know I have to make my own decisions, but right now, I just wish someone would tell me what to do. Sometimes I feel like I'm dying. Like my fire is slowly burning out and I struggle to find the motivation to live and work.

 

My Mom also passed away last year and it has been very difficult to cope with the loss. Both my parents are (were) very domineering and omnipresent, especially my mom, and with her gone, I feel almost like an orphan - lost and confused and unable to take care of myself.

 

I guess it's no surprise that I should 'fall' for an extremely strong and domineering guy who would suffocate me, just like my parents did. But deep down I know that I don't want that. All I want is a peaceful life with a soul mate to share it with - someone who understands me completely and who accepts me for who I am... NOW! Not what I could or should be, but what I am.

 

I have struggled with my self-image and low self-esteem for many years and have inherited my mother's obsession with weight. Since she died, I have put on about 20kg's and feel awful! My boyfriend, like my mom, was very critical about my weight in the beginning of our relationship, until he saw how hurt I was about it. Now he doesn't say anything about it, but his actions sometimes make me feel like I repulse him. Sometimes I can feel him watching me when I'm eating and I just know that he's put off my my appetite.

 

It doesn't help that he also has a strange relationship to food. He generally eats very little and then binges on snacks like crisps, sausage, olives and cheese. Like my mother, as well, he will one day criticize the way I eat and encourage me to go on diet and then the next day go out and buy my chocolate mousse or croissants. It's also very difficult for my to try eating balanced meals when he either won't eat or doesn't like the same foods I do. Sometimes I just don't know what to cook and then other times I really take the time to prepare a nice meal and he'll tell me he's not hungry. And nothing on earth can make him do what he doesn't want to do!

 

On the one hand, I admire this quality in him - he really knows how to draw his boundaries, while I don't - but he can be so rigid sometimes...

 

He can also be very intolerant towards people - the opposite to me - and this has resulted in many arguments, especially about my friends whom he says I have no boundaries with - I'd give them everything and anything. Like my mother, he seems to be jealous of my love and closeness to my friends. When he first came to live in South Africa with me, he had a huge blow-out with one of my friends, kicking him out of our apartment. This caused a huge rift in my group of friends and it took us months to recover. We're still friends, but I see them a lot less now and the great group get-togethers we used to have are no longer possible. When we do get together, I often find myself spectating a discussion on ME! He launches into these debates on me with my friends with both sides seemingly competing for the position of who knows me best! It's very surreal and awkward.

 

I gave into my boyfriends wishes concerning my friends because he said that I wanted to force him to be part of the group and the group was already so well-established that he couldn't find his place. Actually, I think he felt threatened by my friends because we're all very emotionally and psychologically tuned in with well-developed EQ's while he functions very much on a practical and rational level.

 

That's something else I miss very much in our relationship: lengthy discussions on love, life and everything. I adore philosophy and psychology - neither of which interest him and neither of which he's prepared to delve into. I really enjoy philosophizing and analyzing the world and people and he just isn't interested.

 

I feel so lonely and misunderstood. I know he loves me, but I'm not convinced he's IN love with me. I don't think I'm in love with him either - at least, not anymore.

 

So you may ask: why do I stay? Well, he does have some really good qualities. I was really attracted to his strength and clear moral values when we first met. He also has a very sexy voice and takes such good care of himself - a beautiful man. But he hardly touches me anymore - I'm lucky if we have sex once a month and it's usually when I return from a long business trip. Otherwise we pretty much behave like an old married couple - routine, routine...

 

I'm too young to feel like this. I've still got so much life in me. Do you think this relationship could be saved through counselling? My therapist has suggested it a few times, but I'm not convinced. Most times I just want to run for the hills, but it's so complicated with him having immigrated to be with me. It hasn't been easy for him to leave his life, family and friends in France nor to find a job over here.

 

Actually, he had a job when he first arrived, but left it after a few months because he said there were some irregularities happening there that he didn't want to be involved with. Fair enough, but he left without being assured of another job - I think because he thought he was so brilliant he'd be snapped up in a second - and as a result was unemployed for 8 months with me having to support the both of us. That was really tough. I gave him all my savings to help him pay his taxes and outstanding debts, so right now, I don't have any spare cash. It was really hard on him, especially his rather huge male ego and so I tried to not bring it up or make him feel dependent. Most times when we went out, I would slip him the money so he could save face in front of our friends. We've now gone back to sharing expenses.

 

I'm sorry this has been so long. I was trying to give you all (most) of the elements. I'd really appreciate your thoughts. Feel free to ask questions.

[Devildog]

Reading your post I saw a looooooooooooong list of negative things about this guy, and a very short list of good qualities, with superficial things making up the majority of his good qualities.

 

His rigid unyielding and unwillingness to give in at all may seem like a good trait to have, and in it's own right, it is. But in a relationship, where there needs to be some give and take so one person or the other doesn't end up on the short end of the stick, not so good. It is a relationship killer. He survived before you, he will survive after you leave him. And I think you should leave him. He is killing the person you once were. And once he completely alienates you from your friends, and drives your self-esteem to zero with more "Fat cow" comments and you feel worthless and like no one would ever want you, then you are ready for the physical abuse that you are afraid he is capable of.

 

Get out now before your only hope of survival is a battered woman's shelter.

[wanda]

Thanks for your frank and honest reply Devildog!

 

Of course you are quite right: I did have a looong list of negative qualities and only a few positive ones - perhaps because I'm feeling angry with him at the moment. To be fair, perhaps I should tell you that he is also extremely generous, sometimes to a fault, overwhelming people with his generosity, and when he lets down his guard and actually shows his little boy vulnerable side, I just melt inside and want to wrap my arms around him and protect him. When things are going well, we can also be very playful together and laugh like children, but unfortunately it doesn't often go very much beyond playing and the REAL intimacy I crave is sadly lacking.

 

I feel like a fool because I sensed the incompatibility even before he came to live in South Africa. We had already managed to have some almighty fights over the phone and I remember holding the phone away from my ear as he lectured me for hours.

 

But I have to also accept responsibility for the relationship going a bit stale. I really struggled with depression after my mom died and the anti-depressants I was taking contributed to me putting on weight. The more weight I put on, the more I lacked confidence to initiate sex and after having been pushed away a few times, I was even less likely to take the risk.

 

I just wanted him to take me in his arms and tell me he loved me and that he still thought I was the most beautiful woman in the world, no matter what (is this completely unrealistic?) but it never happened. The anti-depressants didn't help my sex-drive either and the more I felt unwanted, the less of an effort I made - I thought: what's the point?

 

Maybe I should have made more of an effort in terms of my appearance? Maybe if I lost weight he'd change his attitude? I don't know. I just wish things didn't seem so conditional. Do you think unconditional love and acceptance really exist?

 

Part of what keeps me in this relationship is the feeling that maybe I'm more to blame than I think. Maybe if I cleaned my act up, things might change. Maybe instead of being criticized he deserves a medal for staying with me through all of this? Maybe I'm just totally unrealistic and demanding? I'm so confused.

 

Thanks for listening and offering your advice.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Maybe if I cleaned my act up, things might change.

 

I expect that no matter what you change, he'll find something new to harass you about. If you are content with his behavior, then you can stay with him - I'm pretty certain that he has no intention of changing it no matter what you do. He doesn't sound too open to compromise or discussions on 'how to make it better'. If you are really intent on staying, then at the very least let him know exactly how his behavior affects you - and if he continues to do it anyway then you will have to decide if you are happy being this way and if you want to stay in a relationship that you wish could be better but won't. I think he may see you not as "Ms. Right", but "Ms. Right Now". "Ms. Right Now" tends to always be treated badly in the end, unfortunately.

 

It seems impossible now, but there are possibilities of relationships with people who will love you for who you are and what you have to offer, not what you lack and "need improvement" on. Once you experience being someone's "Ms. Right", instead of "Ms. Right Now" you'll see what I mean.

 

You know that you want real intimacy, and you know you won't find it in the relationship. Now you just have to convince yourself of that - I think you are holding on to some hope that he is going to change. You'll need to find the strength to let that go.

[wanda]

Thanks Lucrezia! You're probably right: I have to find the strength to do it, but it's not easy. Despite his bad points I do love him. I may not be IN love with him anymore, but I do care about what happens to him and the effect the break-up will have on him.

 

We haven't really been speaking since Saturday when he blew up because I found a bottle of chili sauce he thought was finished and told him that there were so many sauces on the shelf (I'd asked him to go through them and thrown out the old ones to make space) that he didn't know what was there. I didn't mean it in a bad way, but he really took offense and told me: "That's rich coming from you!!"

 

Then he didn't want to eat anymore (he often goes on 'hunger strike' when he gets upset with me) and I tried to get him to relax by saying: "Come on, we're not going to fight about chili sauce, are we?" but he wouldn't budge and I got so frustrated I told him to 'F' off at which point he jumped up and rushed up toward me as if he was going to hit me, saying "What did you say to me?!" He had his hand in the air.

 

In those kinds of situations I'm unable to back down and refuse to show the other person my fear, so I looked him in the eyes and repeated what I'd said. He seemed furious, but left again and went back to the TV. I tried to swallow a few morsels, but my stomach was all knotted up.

 

I'm wondering if he's sensing my intentions because yesterday he looked so sad and said he didn't feel very well. I felt so bad for him and wanted to help or comfort him. This is how we get stuck. We fight and I come so close to breaking up and then he'll either show his vulnerable side or do something nice and I back down until the next blow up.

 

I know deep down that this is not good for either of us and that I have to break up with him. I just don't know how and am afraid of really hurting him. I think he might be crushed. Sometimes I think he has no idea that things are bad. It seems like he thinks this is a normal part of relationships! I'm afraid the break-up (even though I've tried before) might hit him like a ton of bricks. I guess I'm also afraid of being alone and missing him. I also don't want things to go nasty, but I guess I have no control over that.

 

Thanks for your input. It really helps.

[wildanduntamed]

ok, first off, let me say that I think you sound like a very intelligent woman, and that I agree that you are peobably best off if you get out now. Far too much has already been lost on this guy as it is, and you don't need to degrade yourself and further to try to stay in such a negative situation. Saying you can change is just a way to help find a reason why it is your fault, while I agree that it takes two to tango, I don't see how his insults, sponging, and violent, agressive manner can be your fault, and you must realize that these are things that you can not change.

 

as for being afraid to break it off with him, you already have the hardest part over with, and that is the acceptance that it is a done deal, that it is over with. I think you have the courage within to let him know this now, knowing that if you hold off for a while, you'll probably only get out when the cops have to bust his ass for turning on you some night, or when you end up losing everything you have left to depression from his domineering ways.

 

my advice, call it quits and find a guy who will treat you right. you owe it to yourself!