The more I have in common with a woman, the less they are interested

[irc333]

Funny thing, the more I have in common with a woman, the less they are interested in me.

 

Now before comes back with a cop-out of "Yeah, but there is such thing as having TOO much in common", I can't see how that could hold water anyways. I've heard all the reasons, too, "It'll be too stale/boring if you have too much in common".

 

So an atheist date a Christian if that's the case, right? lol

 

Answer (sarcasm) - "Sure..yeah! Opposites attract!!"

 

Personally, I think it helps with the situation.

 

They don't have to be EXACTLY alike, but I find myself drawn to profiles where they express they are Sci-Fi Geeks, movie buffs, board game strategists, and the great outdoors. Seeking that of good moral fiber. Signs of humility, etc.

 

I look for key, buzz words such as those.

 

Some are even equal to me in physical appearances, too. So it's not like I'm trying to attempt a super model-type either.

 

But when I do get responses it's from women who are kind of more...well, more diverse, or don't really have a passion for any specific interest...I don't mind dating those types, but It'd be nice to find someone who shares the same interests as me that aren't entirely popular with the female gender.

 

But, sometimes a woman who isn't into "Sci-Fi" all that much, but may find it fascinating in general or be into the outdoors, even though they haven't Kayaked in their lives...some who aren't into certain hobbies, may be willing to join her new boyfriend in said hobbies or even TAKE on hobbies just so she can be with him...that's great too, and I find more of a response rate from them than the ones who have matched ME to a "T".

 

Ironically, when I get responses from women they'd say, "Sorry, but I don't think we'd make a good match" when there IS an uncanny match.

 

I'm just banking I'm a geek, but without the 6 feet in height. lol

[ZipperZapper]

Funny thing, the more I have in common with a woman, the less they are interested in me.

 

Now before comes back with a cop-out of "Yeah, but there is such thing as having TOO much in common", I can't see how that could hold water anyways. I've heard all the reasons, too, "It'll be too stale/boring if you have too much in common".

 

So an atheist date a Christian if that's the case, right? lol

 

Answer (sarcasm) - "Sure..yeah! Opposites attract!!"

 

Personally, I think it helps with the situation.

 

They don't have to be EXACTLY alike, but I find myself drawn to profiles where they express they are Sci-Fi Geeks, movie buffs, board game strategists, and the great outdoors. Seeking that of good moral fiber. Signs of humility, etc.

 

I look for key, buzz words such as those.

 

Some are even equal to me in physical appearances, too. So it's not like I'm trying to attempt a super model-type either.

 

But when I do get responses it's from women who are kind of more...well, more diverse, or don't really have a passion for any specific interest...I don't mind dating those types, but It'd be nice to find someone who shares the same interests as me that aren't entirely popular with the female gender.

 

But, sometimes a woman who isn't into "Sci-Fi" all that much, but may find it fascinating in general or be into the outdoors, even though they haven't Kayaked in their lives...some who aren't into certain hobbies, may be willing to join her new boyfriend in said hobbies or even TAKE on hobbies just so she can be with him...that's great too, and I find more of a response rate from them than the ones who have matched ME to a "T".

 

Ironically, when I get responses from women they'd say, "Sorry, but I don't think we'd make a good match" when there IS an uncanny match.

 

I'm just banking I'm a geek, but without the 6 feet in height. lol

 

It's probably your lack of stature or some other entirely material attribute that knocked you out of the running. Women like the ones you describe are probably not looking for a real partner, but some arm candy they can show off to increase their status amongst their peers. It's been my personal experiences that opposites attract, but relationships between opposites rarely last.

[kodakgirl]

To me, having interests in common isn't very important, and in fact I'd rather have quite a few different interests. I'm looking for something different in a partner than a friend. It's a different dynamic. I'm looking for someone who complements me. I want to learn and experience new things from them and share my things. I want to be able to impress them with the things I know and be impressed by the things they know. Honestly, I'd rather they not be really good at the same things I'm really good at-- I'd rather be proud of their successes and have them be proud of mine, rather than having a sort of competition. Plus, I really, really don't want to be the kind of couple who does everything together all the time. I'd like to try out each other's actitivies and have a few we share, but then pursue our own things with our own friends without anyone feeling left out. I'm independent like that.

 

However, I don't feel having different interests makes you opposites. The two men in my life I've adored were superficially very different from me-- outdoorsy and science-y, while I'm arty. But we were the same kind of people, fundamentally-- curious, intelligent, engaged with the world, passionate, creative, ambitious, kind. We got along brilliantly and never lacked things to talk about.

 

Also, as I said, I'd rather have a partner who complements me rather than is me. I'd rather go white-water rafting at his encouragement one weekend then see a silent film at my bequest the next, than go see silent films both weekends (as I'd probably do on my own or with friends). I want diversity in my life. I want a partner who stretches me while supporting me. I feel a great partner can help you grow like no one else, and I really want someone who will grow me.

 

I wouldn't necessarily reject someone just because we have a lot of shared interests, that's stupid-- but my first instinct is to think "friend", not "romantic partner."

[MissBee]

Having similar interests doesn't always relate to being a good romantic match neither does it make you attracted to someone.

 

My friends and I have similar interests...but we're friends.

 

Similar interests definitely help when romantic interest/attraction ALREADY exists, but similar interests do not create romantic interest or attraction.

 

I might get along with a man and be able to hang out and have conversations because of similar interests, this may or may not spark romantic interests or awaken a latent interest the closer we get....OR....it can just mean we're super cool as friends but I have no other kind of feelings for him. How I need to be loved and what I value emotionally and relationship-wise may still be very different from what he does, although we share some interests. That's what matters in a relationship for me: do you give me what I need emotionally, do you understand me, do I feel comfortable with you, are we a good complement, do I love how I feel when with you. Having similar interests in movies, education, food, hobbies does not in any way satisfy those needs, hence even if we have common interests, we may be nothing more than friends. Likewise, we may not have very similar interests, but those more important things are on the money.

Edited December 30, 2013 by MissBee

[AD1980]

They still have to be physically attracted to you to get your foot in the door

[irc333]

You could be right, but I find that...for instance (just an example), understanding certain generational "obscure references" to be something of importance to me. Like some old time 80's hit TV or movie reference or some historical event that's obscure.

 

And have them "get it" or get your brand of humor is an attraction, at least to me.

 

 

Having similar interests doesn't always relate to being a good romantic match neither does it make you attracted to someone.

 

My friends and I have similar interests...but we're friends.

 

Similar interests definitely help when romantic interest/attraction ALREADY exists, but similar interests do not create romantic interest or attraction.

 

I might get along with a man and be able to hang out and have conversations because of similar interests, this may or may not spark romantic interests or awaken a latent interest the closer we get....OR....it can just mean we're super cool as friends but I have no other kind of feelings for him. How I need to be loved and what I value emotionally and relationship-wise may still be very different from what he does, although we share some interests. That's what matters in a relationship for me: do you give me what I need emotionally, do you understand me, do I feel comfortable with you, are we a good complement, do I love how I feel when with you. Having similar interests in movies, education, food, hobbies does not in any way satisfy those needs, hence even if we have common interests, we may be nothing more than friends. Likewise, we may not have very similar interests, but those more important things are on the money.

[MissBee]

You could be right, but I find that...for instance (just an example), understanding certain generational "obscure references" to be something of importance to me. Like some old time 80's hit TV or movie reference or some historical event that's obscure.

 

And have them "get it" or get your brand of humor is an attraction, at least to me.

 

Since you're talking about online though, then it's different in terms of what I said in my post. If a man expresses lots of similar interests to me online I will want to get to know him to see if we click in real life provided that I am attracted to him. So either they are not attracted to you so are saying you have nothing in common or there is some discrepancy between their profile and yours.

 

Also...I'm not sure what you're saying. Understanding obscure references, not sure how it relates to my initial post. I'm not saying it's not nice to have that or that people should date people outside of their generation and without any interests in common, I'm simply saying that having common interests does not automatically furnish romantic attraction. You can share all the obscure references you want and only connect on a platonic level vs. a romantic one. While you can not share such references or few of them and click on a romantic level, as romantic feelings are not only hinged on common interests.

Edited December 31, 2013 by MissBee

[GoodOnPaper]

I completely sympathize with the OP -- this sort of thing hit me like a ton of bricks when I was in graduate school -- but I don't think there is any way around it. For women, opposites-attract = excitement. The comfort and stability that many of us relationship-minded guys can find alluring won't have the same draw for women. Highly frustrating. I don't know how you would develop a strategy for meeting women who are compatible but "opposite" at the same time.

[EnigmaWolf92]

As a guy who did not believe in religion in College and dated a christian girl I guess opposites do attract I should of been able to see it would not work but was honestly one of the better relationships I've had. So no sarcasm there. However as we got closer the more we had in common and the more she tried to "push" her beliefs on me the faster the relationship died out. So yeah in a way I can see what you mean.

[irc333]

Hm, seems I'm like the only one here that thinks that having certain beliefs/interests in common is actually a deterrant to dating said people. I could be wrong.

 

But...call me different.

 

I mean, for instance, a woman that's loaded up with sleeve and ribcage tattoos are a major turn off for me. So there goes that theory for "opposites attract"

 

Now...some will do it as a novelty bang or a short term fling, so maybe that's it, but I don't think anything meaningful came of dating someone who were complete opposites...if it does happen, chances are they had SOMETHING in common.

[irc333]

Sometimes I keep an eye out for dating profiles of women that (at least on POF)

 

That aren't wanting children AND currently have no children. Now there's something in common RIGHT there.

 

Even recently saw a woman express IN her profile that she will not date a single parent at all....plus she's a Christian, too...she emphasized in dating someone with a belief in God.

 

Now you'd THINK she'd get all up and excited and reply (just being facetious with that "excited" statement, lol)...but..nope...nary a response.

 

But, as a previous poster stated, all it takes is a bald head or a short stature for her go, "Ew! nope!" and pass ya by. lol

[Mrlonelyone]

It's probably your lack of stature or some other entirely material attribute that knocked you out of the running. Women like the ones you describe are probably not looking for a real partner, but some arm candy they can show off to increase their status amongst their peers. It's been my personal experiences that opposites attract, but relationships between opposites rarely last.

 

Women of any age would like their friends family and random passers by to be impressed by their man. However for younger women, the ones I suspect the OP is interested in this is even more true. In fact I think that to younger women what their friends think is more important than what they think or feel.

 

How may young women date a guy because he's popular with everyone else but they can't stand him?

 

I completely sympathize with the OP -- this sort of thing hit me like a ton of bricks when I was in graduate school -- but I don't think there is any way around it. For YOUNG women, opposites-attract = excitement. The comfort and stability that many of us relationship-minded guys can find alluring won't have the same draw for women. Highly frustrating. I don't know how you would develop a strategy for meeting women who are compatible but "opposite" at the same time.

 

I corrected that for you. For young immature women dating is in part about wanting an exciting adventure. (it also speaks to the whole idea that they like alpha male, bad boy, cad's with dark somewhat antisocial personalities).

 

The thing is they grow out of that. It is a phase. The guy who sings his own praises, and is so fascinatingly different when their 23, just looks like a total looser when he's the same way and they are 28.

[GravityMan]

Having compatible values, morals, and beliefs is often important for a relationship to last. "Compatible" in this context usually means "similar", but not always. I'm referring to things like one's attitude towards money/finances, towards how one approaches work (job), views on children, treatment of others (waiters at a restaurant, etc.), and so on.

 

OTOH, in general I think it's less important to have a lot of interests and hobbies in common. This is one flaw of online dating sites, IMO - they put too much weight on interests in their matching algorithms. It's good to have a few interests in common, but too many can detract from any future sense of discovery. It's more fun, more exciting, more interesting to learn new cool things about your partner even after you two have been together for awhile.

 

It's also good for both people to have an open mind to exploring new things.

 

I think its more important to have interests in common when it comes to one's friendships. Because many times when friends get together, it's to go out and do entertaining stuff or just shoot the @#%$, not have serious talks about money or whatever. (Assuming they aren't roommates.)

 

That said, every couple's dynamic is different...there are couples out there who have a ton of things in common and they are very happy together.

[irc333]

I think I do know what you're driving at.Gravity Man....like I know of women that put, "Must ride a motorcycle" or "must love sports, or DON'T email me!"

 

Yep, I would always wonder why that's important to them.

 

I livein an area where there's a lot of agriculture and horse farms.....a lot of single women that are here, seasonally, for the horses...and almost every single one of them wishes to find a man that "rides', too.

 

But, I think it helps, as an Icebreaker....like I can't stand being around people when they're talking about sports, I have no idea what they're talking about and wind up just zoning out. LOL

 

 

Having compatible values, morals, and beliefs is often important for a relationship to last. "Compatible" in this context usually means "similar", but not always. I'm referring to things like one's attitude towards money/finances, towards how one approaches work (job), views on children, treatment of others (waiters at a restaurant, etc.), and so on.

 

OTOH, in general I think it's less important to have a lot of interests and hobbies in common. This is one flaw of online dating sites, IMO - they put too much weight on interests in their matching algorithms. It's good to have a few interests in common, but too many can detract from any future sense of discovery. It's more fun, more exciting, more interesting to learn new cool things about your partner even after you two have been together for awhile.

 

It's also good for both people to have an open mind to exploring new things.

 

I think its more important to have interests in common when it comes to one's friendships. Because many times when friends get together, it's to go out and do entertaining stuff or just shoot the @#%$, not have serious talks about money or whatever. (Assuming they aren't roommates.)

 

That said, every couple's dynamic is different...there are couples out there who have a ton of things in common and they are very happy together.