Trying to keep the ship from sinking anymore

[raven5]

Been reading a lot on the forum lots of good information and situations. Trying to understand better and possible techniques to improve our marriage before it completely falls apart. Right now it is very much a red alert holy crap this is bad mode.

Alright to dive right in.

I am terrified of losing my wife. I can accept it might happen and I am currently trying the 180s techniques. I feel like they’re very counter intuitive. But willing to do whatever I have to, even if it means letting her go. It shatters me thinking about it but, I can take it. Just absolutely unhappy about the situation and the possible negative outcomes.

A little back story we were high school sweethearts. We went to college together. We have both made considerable adjustments at times to who we were because it is what we thought the other person wanted. Like she stopped playing sports and seeing her family to hang out with me. I stopped working on my projects and hanging out with friends when I moved in with her. Retrospect probably not a good thing that we stopped being who we were. (both of us) working right now to determine who we are again.

She tells me she thinks we have nothing in common because we have different interest and haven’t been communicating intimately. I know that can’t be true. We just masked who we were and made ourselves unhappy. We do like different things, but I doubt it is to the degree of nothing in common. I really know I have a lot to work on with my communication. Simply putting it just not holding back my thoughts and feelings anymore. I have done that for far too long. That emotional intimacy just seemed to vanish. I really want it back. (not confusing it with physical intimacy, that one is purely out of my head until we can get to a way better place again.)

She tells me she has been unhappy for a while. Either I didn’t want to fight or know how to start approaching the situation. Now it has come off like I didn’t give a **** when really, I really do care.

For a long time until we just had this blow out, I was not listening, like really listening. Didn’t make that connection of what I was doing and the full impact. I was trying to solve the problem she came to me with. She didn’t need that and I came off like I didn’t care. I really do care though. But after years of this bad behavior it has piled up. But to my ever growing admiration for her. She brought this up and told me she was unhappy and I know she was so brave to do that.

Because of this I feel like she isn’t comfortable coming to me and I wasn’t coming to her with issues. And because I was too busy trying to tell her what I thought could be a fix to the problem. I didn’t tell her how those things made me feel. They have piled up and are hard to work through all at the same time and feel very over whelming right now.

I also feel like, I am competing with one of her coworkers. I really think she likes, but isn’t comfortable telling me. I don’t want it to feel like an interrogation when we do talk about it. That isn’t right. She already is holding back so much other stuff because she is hurt. This one just seems to put the most weight on me when I am trying to figure out how work through this. Definitely the good future feeling killer. I think it is only a friendship, but they’re most likely able to communicate better, because there is less life pressure. From what she has told me several times it is just friends. But I really really hurt, that she can’t just come out and tell me how that is playing into this situation.

Now that there is another in her eye and I am not communicating and looking like I care, I have royally screwed up.

I really feel like because we haven’t been communicating well, it has slowing been killing our relationship. We do so much well and I am really trying hard not bring that up right now. We are giving each other space to figure out what we want.

I know what I want and that is to fix the situation, but really having a hard time trying to wait for her to come to me and talk. I have tried to start some of the conversations and we agree we were forcing it to happen and that made us both uncomfortable. I want her to want to come to me and have security in doing that. (any suggestion on how to gauge your spouse when they working through issues?)

I really feel like there was a time she treated me like her best friend and I treated her like mine. I want to get back there. I really do love my wife and the hardest thing right now is I don’t think I have done a good job showing it.

I am giving her space, she is sleeping in the spare bedroom, and I feel like by giving her this space it is closing off chances to fix some of these broken ties. Any word of encouragement here would be greatly appreciated.

Any help or advice I would greatly appreciate. I thank you for the time you spent reading this.

Edited December 28, 2013 by raven5

[alonefornow]

I am really sorry you're going through this right now. That you're working the 180 is good, keep that up. If anything refocus on it.

 

I know what I want and that is to fix the situation, but really having a hard time trying to wait for her to come to me and talk. I have tried to start some of the conversations and we agree we were forcing it to happen and that made us both uncomfortable. I want her to want to come to me and have security in doing that. (any suggestion on how to gauge your spouse when they working through issues?)

I really feel like there was a time she treated me like her best friend and I treated her like mine. I want to get back there. I really do love my wife and the hardest thing right now is I don’t think I have done a good job showing it.

 

It's great that you know what you want, but here's the thing. Communication issues are not the thing that you can force a fix for. If she's asked for space to find out what she wants, than part of the fixing of communication is to give her that space. I know how tough it is to feel out there in limbo, but rushing decision-making isn't going to help fix anything.

 

But there are really two decisions for her (and you to make). The first is do you want to try and fix it? You do, it sounds like she doesn't know yet. The second is what you all are going to do to fix it, i.e. MC, honesty, and more than likely quite a few difficult conversations. It might help to distinguish these two decisions as the wanting to is usually much easier to decide on than the how.

 

Good luck to you OP.

[raven5]

Thank you for sharing your perspective, it was very objective and helpful. As you described it being in limbo stinks.