Hello- New Here

[CHICH0]

This is my first post. I am here to seek support and experience in building a healthier, happier, and more intimate relationship.

 

My partner and I are 2 years out from a Dday of multiple infidelities. I would consider us mostly reconciled and ready to begin the real work on us free of the BS/WS stigmas and roles.

 

We have both come a long way but still have a long way to go.

[tired girl]

Welcome, what has been done to rebuild a new marriage?

[CHICH0]

Thank you for the welcome

 

I guess that right there is the hit. We have each done a lot of work individually, looking at poor coping skills and boundaries. We have shared these with each other. We have better communication most of the time. We work better as a team in problem solving and parenting and day to day things.

 

Where we are struggling is the "new relationship". When we are not vigilant the old patterns return, the withdrawing, the walls, conflict avoidance. We return to the parallel lives focused around responsibility. The divide and conquer mentality.

 

Its comfortable but not up to my expectations. The intimacy is hit and miss. There is little talk of future goals. There is little talk beyond day to day stuff (which is much more than preA). There is not much focus on just us. And the most frustrating part is there is little motivation or ambition to improve it.

[tired girl]

On which side is the lack of motivation coming from? Do you feel it is truly a lack of motivation or is it a sense of things returning to normal after the turbulence of post A life?

[CHICH0]

From my point of view preA normal is unacceptable. It was unacceptable then, I just didn't have the courage to say anything. So yes it seem to be a returning to that normal, but with improvement in some areas.

 

At this point, I have given up trying to offer suggestions. I feel like I have voiced my concerns enough and have moved into a waiting pattern waiting for her to initiate. So, the lack of motivation is now on both sides. This dynamic was at play for years.

 

There has been good communication the last few days culminating in her saying she just doesn't know how. Her IC today suggested some sort of MC.

 

I guess what gets me most is I know her personality. If anything catches her interest or attention she is all in, no holds barred. I guess I am feeling like I/us isn't important enough to catch her attention.

[Grumpybutfun]

From my point of view preA normal is unacceptable. It was unacceptable then, I just didn't have the courage to say anything. So yes it seem to be a returning to that normal, but with improvement in some areas.

 

At this point, I have given up trying to offer suggestions. I feel like I have voiced my concerns enough and have moved into a waiting pattern waiting for her to initiate. So, the lack of motivation is now on both sides. This dynamic was at play for years.

 

There has been good communication the last few days culminating in her saying she just doesn't know how. Her IC today suggested some sort of MC.

 

I guess what gets me most is I know her personality. If anything catches her interest or attention she is all in, no holds barred. I guess I am feeling like I/us isn't important enough to catch her attention.

 

This is an important catalyst to marriage dynamics. If her heart isn't into the marriage and you there is little that clinical sessions with a MC can do.

Good luck,

Grumps

[tired girl]

Is this a dynamic that is present in all areas of her life or just relationships?

[CHICH0]

Nice:) Thank You TG. yes unless she is caught by an obsession with a person event or thing, she acts apathetic and distracted.

 

It is a pattern present in the rest of her life.

[tired girl]

Is she aware of this issue, and if it is present in other areas you know it isn't directed at you or the M. I know this doesn't always help, but it can make it less personal.

 

If she hasn't looked into it yet, it would be a good thing to look at. This can also be the sort of behavior that can lead to addictive behaviors.

[CHICH0]

This brings me full circle to frustration.

 

Why do I find myself in a cycle of psychoanalysing her and her behaviors. She has an IC. She has a 6+7th step. She has people to turn to for help. This is her job. Not mine.

 

I get that we know each other probably better than we know ourselves. And it is my duty to point out the unseen patterns of defective behavior. We are each others eyes and ears.

 

But shouldnt my role end there. Shouldnt she take the initiative from that point. Shouldnt there be a desire to improve.

 

Does she not know how? Does she not care? Have i enabled her so far, that it is just expected?

[tired girl]

You can point out that the issue exists, but that is where your responsibility ends. It is her job to pick it up from there. My question was if she even knows that this issue exists to the extent that it does? Sometimes when there is a disconnect there to a very large extent, it is hard to see it. Or nail it down. It was for me. I knew something was different about me, I knew that I held myself apart and didn't fully invest, but I didn't realize the full disconnect until I came to SI. She may not fully realize yet.

[CHICH0]

Thanks TG

 

I hope she gets it or finds someone to show her. I have exhausted my energy at least for now.