(Long Post) Found Flirty Work Emails on DH's Phone.

[whichwayisup]

Honestly I'm scared. I don't know what to do. I haven't spoken to him in days. I can't even look at him bc of how he's treating me. I will try to talk to him tonite.

 

Thanks.

 

Talk to your parents, siblings and friends, you need the support right now. Don't isolate and don't feel ashamed, you've done nothing wrong here, your ass.hole husband has!

 

When you talk to him, be firm, do not show him your tears or fears. Stand up to him otherwise if you don't he'll bully you.

[Oldspiceywolf]

You should move out for a few days. He thinks he has all the power to leave you for being snoopie, sorry pal you should be the one getting dumped. Draw a hard line that you will not accept his crap. If you have kids leave them with him so he has to call in sick to work. Just put it all in his lap and don't comeback until he fesses up. If you think he's not being 100% forthcoming don't budge.

[CarrieT]

You should move out for a few days.

No, no, no…

 

The victim should never be the one to leave the marital home.

[Oldspiceywolf]

Alright make him leave but don't just sit there together like it's ok. I think leaving is more effective, why should she sit at home wondering what he's out doing? Why not let him watch the kids and freak out wondering what she's doing and if she's coming back, she wants the power to make him sweat, not to let him act like an indifferent little shmuck. If she wants him to know what life is like without her she has to show him, somebodies got to go.

[Coffeegal]

The talk happened today and it was like pulling teeth. It went horribly. He kept talking about how f*cked up it was that I went behind his back to look in his phone. That his phone is his business, not mine. He said that he doesn't look at my phone so there's no need to look at his. What he did was stupid and although he apologized it wasn't from the heart bc he was cursing and raising his voice bc he was so pissed off bc he feels like he has no space.

 

He says The girl meant nothing. It was just a stupid thing he did bc he was bored at work. It wasn't gonna go any further than that. And if I didn't find the emails, it would've died down.

 

BUT when I told him to switch shoes, he said yeah I would be hurt too. But again, after he sounds sincere, he immediately gets defensive and says I'm treating/talking to him like a child. And STILL repeats that I was ****ed up for snooping. That I need to give him space & privacy. Mind you, while he is saying this to me, he's raising his voice.

 

I'm frustrated. I'm exhausted. After our talk, instead of consoling me and hugging me, he says, "Are we done?" and then walks out. I couldn't believe it. We resolved nothing. He literally made me feel like I did something wrong and made me feel like complete sh*t.

 

He states Bc he didn't have any physical contact, I should not be upset or hurt the way I am.

 

Now if he does cheat (have sex with another woman) then my actions are justified. Ugh

 

I'm a good woman. I don't deserve this. I'm loyal. I respect him in front of his face and behind his back. I try to keep the house clean. I try to be a loving wife. I try to keep myself looking good. I try.

 

If he was truly sorry, he should be showing me how sorry he is and make sure that I'm ok and that I feel loved, respected and appreciated.

 

Then I can go on that road to trust him 100% again.

 

But no. Of course not. Because its MY fault I snooped. Yeah right!

 

I told him we need time apart and we need marriage counseling. My heart is crushed bc of his actions. His words don't even sound sincere.

 

He's become this angry person and I feel like I don't know him anymore.

[Coffeegal]

I'm just curious to know who replied to my post. Are you a mixture of men and women? Or just women? :-) thanks so much

[dreamingoftigers]

I am sure it is very scary. When you speak to him tonight, if he pulls that same crap about leaving because you won't stop with the questions, tell him to go. It doesn't have to be this whole big dramatic thing, you can quietly tell him to leave.

 

I say this because I'm not a knock down drag out person either, and even though I agree with all the posters who are saying "KICK HIM OUT!" "SHOW HIM THE DOOR"...that isn't really my style, much too scary.

 

Mine was quiet.

He came home, the door was locked. I opened it and said "I expect so much better from a man I promised to love and cherish. This is not how a man married to me acts if they want to stay married to me."

 

Then he said "I didn't think about that."

(WTF? He'd been threatening me all week)

 

So I closed the door again and locked it. I could see the shock in his face as I was doing it.

 

It was pretty cold that night too. I guess if you are going to be a cheating a-hole, don't do it during a Canadian winter. Just a thought.

[dreamingoftigers]

You stole the script almost exactly from how conversations with my husband went.

 

Of course it turned out he was doing more than "flirting."

 

He's unremorseful. You WILL NOT be able to TALK to this man.

 

He sees you as a controlling-mother.

 

It probably isn't true. It wasn't in my case. And it only got worse.

I would bet my entire life-savings that he's got "overbearing mother" issues. It causes tons of emotional maturity issues.

 

Honestly, if I saw five years ago how crappy the road to reconciliation is, I would've walked. Turned right around and walked.

 

We're here now......mostly. But it's still mother-issue crap.

 

Although, the very last phone conversation didn't go as sweetly as this one.

A good dose of Wellbutrin has the side-effect in some people of making them edgy or raging. I was one of those. I took it for under three months and I was never so pissed off my entire life.

 

I curb-stomped his blackberry. For some reason my husband's emotional context is skewed.

 

Crying="trying to guilt or manipulate me. It makes me angry."

Talking openly with me = nagging

Over-the-top Raging and freaking out = "oh honey, what's the matter, why are you so hurt?"

 

So either kick him out or borrow from my best Wellbutrin moments (yes, I discontinued it)

 

-curb stomp his phone

-throw a lasagna

-kick a box across the room and call him an "asswhole."

-everytime he looks at you funnily, freak out.

 

He may be a bit more scared, but it will actually dull his anxiety because he won't have to wonder "if" or "when" you'll freak out. Because you'll be constantly freaking out. Talk to your doctor about Wellbutrin (also known as Zyban) today!

 

Or keep your sanity and kick him out.

 

 

The talk happened today and it was like pulling teeth. It went horribly. He kept talking about how f*cked up it was that I went behind his back to look in his phone. That his phone is his business, not mine. He said that he doesn't look at my phone so there's no need to look at his. What he did was stupid and although he apologized it wasn't from the heart bc he was cursing and raising his voice bc he was so pissed off bc he feels like he has no space.

 

He says The girl meant nothing. It was just a stupid thing he did bc he was bored at work. It wasn't gonna go any further than that. And if I didn't find the emails, it would've died down.

 

BUT when I told him to switch shoes, he said yeah I would be hurt too. But again, after he sounds sincere, he immediately gets defensive and says I'm treating/talking to him like a child. And STILL repeats that I was ****ed up for snooping. That I need to give him space & privacy. Mind you, while he is saying this to me, he's raising his voice.

 

I'm frustrated. I'm exhausted. After our talk, instead of consoling me and hugging me, he says, "Are we done?" and then walks out. I couldn't believe it. We resolved nothing. He literally made me feel like I did something wrong and made me feel like complete sh*t.

 

He states Bc he didn't have any physical contact, I should not be upset or hurt the way I am.

 

Now if he does cheat (have sex with another woman) then my actions are justified. Ugh

 

I'm a good woman. I don't deserve this. I'm loyal. I respect him in front of his face and behind his back. I try to keep the house clean. I try to be a loving wife. I try to keep myself looking good. I try.

 

If he was truly sorry, he should be showing me how sorry he is and make sure that I'm ok and that I feel loved, respected and appreciated.

 

Then I can go on that road to trust him 100% again.

 

But no. Of course not. Because its MY fault I snooped. Yeah right!

 

I told him we need time apart and we need marriage counseling. My heart is crushed bc of his actions. His words don't even sound sincere.

 

He's become this angry person and I feel like I don't know him anymore.

[CarrieT]

I'm just curious to know who replied to my post. Are you a mixture of men and women? Or just women? :-) thanks so much

 

We are very much a mixture.

 

I'm a woman who will be turning 50 next year, just got married for the second time but was single -- in a handful of long-term relationships - for 25 years. But I've been cheated on and also understand what it means to have an Emotional Affair, which is what your husband has had/is having.

 

Google "Gaslighting" because that is what he is doing to you. It is part of deflecting blame when one is caught. Don't let him get to you and know that you are in the right.

[Coffeegal]

DH and his mom don't really have the greatest relationship. She's out of state so we don't see her much. But when he was young, his mom was never around much. So I'm not sure about mother-son issues.

[dreamingoftigers]

DH and his mom don't really have the greatest relationship. She's out of state so we don't see her much. But when he was young, his mom was never around much. So I'm not sure about mother-son issues.

 

I dont mean he has relational issues about where to have thanksgiving now. I mean that the dynamic is something ingrained During childhood.

 

No surprise that they dont have the greatest the relationship.

[Coffeegal]

You're probably right. It's sad because he's over 40. I didn't have the best childhood and I think I'm pretty ok.... I think. Lol

[beach]

You're ALLOWING him to treat you poorly by not taking action!

 

I don't think any more words exchanged are going to make him sorry he's treated you terribly.

 

There's not one single reason a man would still be in my home if he tried talking to me the way your H talked to you!

 

He IS cheating! Whether either of you see it that way or not. The fact that communicating with her was his secret makes it cheating.

 

He's being a complete jerk for trying to blame you for snooping! He's not even sorry he did it - or even sorry he's hurt your feelings and broken trust within the M! That would be enough to kick him out NOW and for good.

 

Staying is betraying yourself! It means you've now agreed to be treated poorly by him.

 

That's not good enough. And the way he's acting is NOT loving behavior.

[beach]

You're probably right. It's sad because he's over 40. I didn't have the best childhood and I think I'm pretty ok.... I think. Lol

 

Honey a jerk is a jerk - whether they are 20 or 90. You can't dress up a jerk to make them a genuinely nice guy.

 

And he's proven he intends to continue being that same jerk.

 

Believe him when he's showing you just how big a jerk he is - and RUN! RUN by getting him out of the house! He wants to disrespect and disregard you this way? Make sure you eliminate him from your life as quickly as possible!

[whichwayisup]

The talk happened today and it was like pulling teeth. It went horribly. He kept talking about how f*cked up it was that I went behind his back to look in his phone. That his phone is his business, not mine. He said that he doesn't look at my phone so there's no need to look at his. What he did was stupid and although he apologized it wasn't from the heart bc he was cursing and raising his voice bc he was so pissed off bc he feels like he has no space.

 

He says The girl meant nothing. It was just a stupid thing he did bc he was bored at work. It wasn't gonna go any further than that. And if I didn't find the emails, it would've died down.

 

BUT when I told him to switch shoes, he said yeah I would be hurt too. But again, after he sounds sincere, he immediately gets defensive and says I'm treating/talking to him like a child. And STILL repeats that I was ****ed up for snooping. That I need to give him space & privacy. Mind you, while he is saying this to me, he's raising his voice.

 

I'm frustrated. I'm exhausted. After our talk, instead of consoling me and hugging me, he says, "Are we done?" and then walks out. I couldn't believe it. We resolved nothing. He literally made me feel like I did something wrong and made me feel like complete sh*t.

 

He states Bc he didn't have any physical contact, I should not be upset or hurt the way I am.

 

Now if he does cheat (have sex with another woman) then my actions are justified. Ugh

 

I'm a good woman. I don't deserve this. I'm loyal. I respect him in front of his face and behind his back. I try to keep the house clean. I try to be a loving wife. I try to keep myself looking good. I try.

 

If he was truly sorry, he should be showing me how sorry he is and make sure that I'm ok and that I feel loved, respected and appreciated.

 

Then I can go on that road to trust him 100% again.

 

But no. Of course not. Because its MY fault I snooped. Yeah right!

 

I told him we need time apart and we need marriage counseling. My heart is crushed bc of his actions. His words don't even sound sincere.

 

He's become this angry person and I feel like I don't know him anymore.

 

The man you married and said vows to is not the person who is in front of you now. He's cruel, selfish and totally being an ass.hole! You DO NOT deserve that treatment by him and the only way now to take control here and NOT let him be such a shi.t to you is, to kick him out. Having to deal with him, live with him while he's in ass/hole mode is not healthy or good for you.

 

Let him suffer consquences.

 

So what, you snooped. Look at what you found? I can understand him being angry if there was absolutely nothing there, he may feel invaded but he got CAUGHT and that's why he's pissed off. He is in blame mode and not taking any responsibility for what he's done to you. Until he can show you real remorse, genuinely apologize to you, and mean it, get him OUT of the house.

 

Rely on good friends and family to help and support you through this rough time.

[Speakingofwhich]

Coffeegal, possibly it was just flirting (an EA) but his strong defensive behavior (anger; irritability, unrepentance), imho, indicates the possibility of more than just flirting.

 

I agree with those who suggest kicking him out. He needs to learn a little respect and who could better teach him than.........you!!!

[whichwayisup]

DH and his mom don't really have the greatest relationship. She's out of state so we don't see her much. But when he was young, his mom was never around much. So I'm not sure about mother-son issues.

 

He's grown man, an adult so he should have fixed or gone to therapy if he has issues from his childhood. Most adults don't blame their childhood for the selfish choices (CHEATING) they make. If they do, they are messed up and broken.

 

He's thrown a shi.t fit and now you need to take control so he doesn't continue on this behaviour towards you. He has to know that you will not put up with it anymore. Be strong, be tough, show him that you are not laying down and taking his crap anymore.

 

Come here and vent, cry etc, but don't show him your fears or if you're upset. I believe you have it in you to do this, you just need to get to your really ANGRY stage. Right now you're still reeling and in shock, upset about it all. Understandably!

[beach]

Doing nothing means you agree with him treating you this way - and you should expect more of the same if you don't take charge by showing him his actions and words are completely unacceptable.

[Mr. Lucky]

Coffeegal, possibly it was just flirting (an EA) but his strong defensive behavior (anger; irritability, unrepentance), imho, indicates the possibility of more than just flirting.)

Unfortunately (and even more unfortunately, I'm speaking from experience), I have to agree with this. He sounds like someone protecting something more than a bored flirtation.

 

Coffeegal, look at his reaction so far. Is it in perspective with what he claims occurred?

 

I'd give him one chance to come clean. Tell him what's at stake. And then make your decision from there.

 

I feel for you. Tough situation to be in ....

 

Mr. Lucky

[lilmisscantbewrong]

He's lying. That is it.

 

I don't know if there is a right or wrong way to respond to confrontation when you are suspected of cheating, but when my husband confronted me (last dday) I had to come clean - and I didn't stomp around upset that he had looked at my laptop. When I discovered his affair, he initially denied it (we're just friends), I calmly walked over to his phone and handed it to him and asked him to pull up spotlight search and type in his ow's phone number - up popped a trail of all kinds of texts - he didn't know that was possible after they were deleted. He hung his head and confessed. He wasn't angry I looked.

 

You have a man that is treating you very poorly - that you looked at his phone or at emails is the least of his problems right now - confront him again, give him a chance to come clean, suggest therapy and then if he isn't on board tell him to leave.

[Coffeegal]

It's an extremely tough situation to be in. Worse New Years ever! I'm still not sure what to do. I need time. I need time away from him. I'm more hurt because of his actions. He doesn't look or sound remorseful. Right now I want to hear that he will never do it again and that he's sorry that he hurt me.

 

I'm not gonna do anything extreme. Right now I'm between jobs and I have nothing stable. I'm patient.....for now.

[whichwayisup]

Doing nothing will just allow him to treat you any way he pleases. That pisses me off honestly because you do not deserve that from him.

 

I get that you're not ready to do anything extreme, but as soon as your anger kicks in, don't think twice about telling him to pack a bag and leave.

Right now I want to hear that he will never do it again and that he's sorry that he hurt me.

You won't hear that because his pride and ego are number one. Look, he KNOWS he's been busted by you but isn't ready to admit it, come clean and apologize. He's acting like a spoiled brat and in blame mode.

 

Please call a friend, or your sister if you have one, or another family member to help and support you.

[Coffeegal]

I live far from family but I did call one of my closest uncles. He's helping me a lot. He's married and has been with his wife for years. He too has been cheated on and has cheated (his previous marriage).

 

He says The feeling of being cheated on is horrible. He rather get stabbed in the heart than feel that kind of hurt & betrayal any day. I know my husband feels guilty and that's why he is angry.

 

He can't show he's remorseful bc he has a huge ego and he thinks he's always right. And yeah I do believe he's being selfish and acting like a spoiled brat! I wish he would just MAN UP and show me that he's truly sorry and make sure it doesn't happen again bc my trust is gone.

[tired girl]

coffee,

Your right, it is tough, and it can be tough to do anything about it. I know I didn't for 18 yrs. My H had at least one, but more than likely more than that EA's affairs in that time period. There were many signs, things that I found, and I confronted and he acted just like your H. I was always the problem because I invaded his privacy, I wouldn't drop it, I was a jealous witch, on and on. For 18yrs.

 

Bottom line, it changed me. Me allowing him to treat me like that. I made choices I never would have made if I had just divorced him or made him fix his s@#t. I ended up fixing myself and he did it again. I busted him cold this time around and told him it was over. I truly meant it this time and he knew it. You see, I knew finally that I was worth more than being treated like that. And this is what you are missing. My H finally got the fact that what he had been doing all along was his problem and not mine. Since then he has been 100 percent remorseful and fixed himself.

 

Until you know that you are worth more than this, he will never have a reason to treat you any better. Work on fixing you. There is a reason that you are willing to put up with this and not expect better. Good luck.

[dreamingoftigers]

coffee,

Your right, it is tough, and it can be tough to do anything about it. I know I didn't for 18 yrs. My H had at least one, but more than likely more than that EA's affairs in that time period. There were many signs, things that I found, and I confronted and he acted just like your H. I was always the problem because I invaded his privacy, I wouldn't drop it, I was a jealous witch, on and on. For 18yrs.

 

Bottom line, it changed me. Me allowing him to treat me like that. I made choices I never would have made if I had just divorced him or made him fix his s@#t. I ended up fixing myself and he did it again. I busted him cold this time around and told him it was over. I truly meant it this time and he knew it. You see, I knew finally that I was worth more than being treated like that. And this is what you are missing. My H finally got the fact that what he had been doing all along was his problem and not mine. Since then he has been 100 percent remorseful and fixed himself.

 

Until you know that you are worth more than this, he will never have a reason to treat you any better. Work on fixing you. There is a reason that you are willing to put up with this and not expect better. Good luck.

 

That's EXACTLY what has to happen.

 

And frankly, YOU WILL stabilize yourself if you need to.

If you use "in between jobs" as an excuse up stay in this cycle or "his ego/guilt blah blah" you will only stay in the cycle and he will blame you, cheating on you and say he did it because you are so "controlling and unreasonable" and that he's really "felt bad and been sorry the whole time but you won't lay off."

 

As long as he's blaming you or trying to placate you to shut you up, you have NOTHING.