Years after divorce - do you wish you worked harder or left sooner?

[oldshirt]

I realize most of the stories in this section are in the acute phase of separation/divorce but my question is more for people who have divorced years ago and for the most part have recovered and moved on.

 

 

My question is, if you were to step into the Way-Back Machine and go back in time and do it all over again, would you -

 

 

A - hang in there and work harder on working things out and putting more time and effort into reconciling?

 

 

Or

 

 

B - cut your losses and get out and move on as quickly and efficiently as possible?

 

 

Be Honest!! Which would you do if you could do it all over?

[M30USA]

I am almost 2 years post divorce. I don't think it's ever wise to have an absolute formula for how long to stay or leave. I my case, I knew it was over when my wife couldn't even admit she did something wrong after she literally beat the $hit out of me (not because of any affair either). You cannot be married to such a person--there is no such marriage but rather an illusion which is nothing but a tyranny. I say stay as long as you can, regardless. But know that EVERY person has a breaking point, no matter HOW pro-marriage you are.

[trippi1432]

I'm four years out of my last marriage and hindsight being 20/20, I would pick Option B over either of my exH's. As a matter a fact, in the dating world today.....I pick Option B before some guys even get to a first date.

 

My last boyfriend could have been an Option A, but I think we really weren't compatible as he didn't like my son - he picked Option B. :p

 

In either of the cases though, I believe I would prefer to spend my life with someone who feels I'm worth Option A and I feel is worth Option A...then Option A isn't an Option.....it's a relationship.

[strongnrelaxed]

Great question.

 

I am stuck between both answers. But lately I have had to resign myself to B- Get out early before it gets bad.

 

Unfortunately, this leads to a dating life that is very much like a "revolving door" - one red flag and I am out. Unfortunately almost every woman I have ever met exhibits red flags galore. We have to learn which crap to overlook and decide which are true deal breakers.

 

These days I look for sanity and honesty.

 

Good luck finding a woman over 40 with either of those two qualities.

[trippi1432]

Ouch!! Glad I am honest then....can't claim sanity after staying in a bad relationship for 15 years. :eek:

[Desert70]

It's been almost 4 years since my separation/divorce and if I were to go back I would go with option A again. I had done enough to work things out before by forgiving two affairs in a 23 year period. The third time, I said "forget you."

 

Unfortunately I have to agree with the previous post that says:

 

"Unfortunately, this leads to a dating life that is very much like a "revolving door" - one red flag and I am out. Unfortunately almost every woman I have ever met exhibits red flags galore. We have to learn which crap to overlook and decide which are true deal breakers."

 

I haven't really started dating, but the men I've met display red flags galore. Sometimes I wonder if my ex is just like all the men out there.

[Eau Claire]

I like the falling in love...the passion..the romance. I'm on my 4 th serious relationship in life ( in my mid 50's) slept with 5 guys. Each time it's wonderful in its own way.

 

I'm happier than ever. I hope we've both learned and will always be together.

 

No regrets. I respect people with 60 year marriages but today, with so much to experience in life, I know it would not have been best for either my husband or I. He's a male and needs a bit more variety in 'that' area and I'm a woman and want the romance. If we had stayed together I'm sure we'd always be feeling like we were missing out on something in life.

[trippi1432]

It's been almost 4 years since my separation/divorce and if I were to go back I would go with option A again. I had done enough to work things out before by forgiving two affairs in a 23 year period. The third time, I said "forget you."

 

Unfortunately I have to agree with the previous post that says:

 

"Unfortunately, this leads to a dating life that is very much like a "revolving door" - one red flag and I am out. Unfortunately almost every woman I have ever met exhibits red flags galore. We have to learn which crap to overlook and decide which are true deal breakers."

 

I haven't really started dating, but the men I've met display red flags galore. Sometimes I wonder if my ex is just like all the men out there.

 

Have to agree on the red flags and deciding what to overlook and which are true deal breakers. And to add to that, it can takes months of getting to know someone dating-wise to really know those things. There are the apparent ones that you see up front (like the guy who called me for the first conversation to rant about being on his way to go divorce his b*tch, but he'd like to take me out sometime ....ummm, "click") and the not so apparent ones like not liking kids, conflict-avoidance or passive-aggressive behavior.

 

As much as we see the red flags, we all have our own as well I'm sure as well as our ex's.

[cozycottagelg]

This is such a great question, I look forward to more replies.

[Woggle]

I would have left a lot sooner and might have never married her. That marriage just screwed me up for a while and made me hate women for some time. I wish I could have avoided all of that.

[M30USA]

I would have left a lot sooner and might have never married her. That marriage just screwed me up for a while and made me hate women for some time. I wish I could have avoided all of that.

 

 

Are you remarried now? If so, for how long? And is it a stable, rewarding marriage?

[Woggle]

Are you remarried now? If so, for how long? And is it a stable, rewarding marriage?

 

I am for seven years and it is the best relationship I have ever had in my life. After my divorce I could have never in a million years have imagined I would find something this good. I see us lasting for real.

[karnak]

 

These days I look for sanity and honesty.

 

Good luck finding a woman over 40 with either of those two qualities.

 

One of the few good things that comes with age is that you gain more experience and a more mature view on the world and other things.

 

I'd have to say "Good luck in finding a woman over 20 with either of those two qualities". I know plenty of young boys who complain about the exacts same things. In my country most girls under 30's are already on anty-depressants or addicted to sleeping pills. Not a good sign. Specially considering that if you take a look at their FB's or how they act outside the parental home, you'd say they are the most proactive/fulfilled of creatures.

 

Stupidity, futility and selfishness don't appear out of the blue. Usually, when one's young one's naive and more prone to fall for an act.

Looking back, most crazy women I know, were already disturbed in their teen years. We just shrugged and considered it was a "temporary stuff". How wrong...

[Janesays]

Hands down, left sooner. I worked my butt off on that marriage and ate up almost all of my youth while doing it. Like Woggle, if I had it to do all over again, I might not have married him at all. He didn't deserve 10 years of my life. I'm skeptical that he even deserved 10 months.

[trippi1432]

Well, this conversation has taken another path perhaps but does shed some light on "are you better off with the Devil you know, or the Devil you don't know??"

 

Given some of the responses, this could quickly expand into a mysogynist/feminist thread since the convo turned to generalisations about about a gender in specific.

 

That hatred of women is as much a turn off as women who put men down in general. The opening question is would you go back and try again and work at it or would you run from that person.....not the entire gender base....but as a woman (and over 40) I get that.

 

When I was younger, I used to think all men couldn't keep their d*ck in their pants and were serial cheaters....now I know that all men who have a d*ck could cheat if they wanted to but it's their moral compass that keeps the good men from straying and hurting their families. Shame neither of my Ex's had a decent moral compass....hopefully some men out there do.

Edited December 30, 2013 by trippi1432
Autocorrect incorrect

[strongnrelaxed]

...

 

When I was younger, I used to think all men couldn't keep their d*ck in their pants and were serial cheaters....now I know that all men who have a d*ck could cheat if they wanted to but it's their moral compass that keeps the good men from straying and hurting their families. Shame neither of my Ex's had a decent moral compass....hopefully some men out there do.

 

This is a drastic oversimplification. Morals have something to do with resisting temptation but not as much as people seem to believe. I know people who are decent and good people who just gave into temptation. Attractiveness, health, age, family history, hormones, stresses, life stage, and a whole bunch of other factors play into whether a person will cheat or not- and that changes over time. Good luck figuring that out.

 

I do see a strong double standard emerging though - when women reach peri-menopause, or menopause, they experience a huge hormone attack and it causes many to get very horny. This leads some to cheat and I would suspect has led to a significant portion of divorces.

 

When they experience this, other women are understanding. When men go through theirs earlier in life, they are demonized and called amoral.

 

This does not help anything. The next woman I am with must absolutely understand these complexities. The simplistic childish black and white perspectives with "good guys" and "bad guys" is harmful to everyone involved in this case.

[Yasuandio]

Option B for me. My divorce took 4 years, and was final September 2012. He stretched it out and was as uncooperative as possible. But we had the assets to put in the attorney's pockets by this time.

 

Divorce was seriously on the table soon after I began working as a professor at at a Research University. A lot was expected of me - to the point where I had to wear a plastic splint in my mouth to protect my teeth due to grinding them. Husband another disappearing act - that I learned once I returned home with a colleage. That was embarrassing - moves all his belongings outta the house while I'm at work - then folks at work start to know I was married to a dumb shyt. I filed for divorce - that was 1994.

 

Of course, he always wanted to come back, we went to counciling, and tried again. During that period was the first time I had to put the first AD pills in my mouth. From there - my health went downhill - and my politcal judgment - or propensity to "do the right thing" got me really screwed up at work. I had handled similial situations in the past without any problem. At any rate, I don't think his little hostile attitude helped at all.

 

His spots didn't change. I wish I had gone through with the divorce in 1994 rather than becoming "accustomed" to his mental abuse. Yas

[Woggle]

I don't hate women today but I am honest about how I felt after my divorce. I really did think that women for the most part were no good connivers who couldn't be trusted. I now know it is wrong to think like that.

 

I like to think of my current marriage as my first real one. That first one was just a bad practice run and if I could get an official annulment I would.

[trippi1432]

This is a drastic oversimplification. Morals have something to do with resisting temptation but not as much as people seem to believe. I know people who are decent and good people who just gave into temptation. Attractiveness, health, age, family history, hormones, stresses, life stage, and a whole bunch of other factors play into whether a person will cheat or not- and that changes over time. Good luck figuring that out.

 

I do see a strong double standard emerging though - when women reach peri-menopause, or menopause, they experience a huge hormone attack and it causes many to get very horny. This leads some to cheat and I would suspect has led to a significant portion of divorces.

 

When they experience this, other women are understanding. When men go through theirs earlier in life, they are demonized and called amoral.

 

This does not help anything. The next woman I am with must absolutely understand these complexities. The simplistic childish black and white perspectives with "good guys" and "bad guys" is harmful to everyone involved in this case.

 

Well, I think you did peg some things there....vanity, ego, pride lead to temptation to cheat....the menopausal thing, I hadn't really heard about that but that might explain the great sex my boyfriend and I are having. And to think, I had just heard, from men, the adverse and that women go nuts during that time and just dry up....leading them (the men) to cheat. Whew....good thing I'm not married to my wayward husbands who gave into their temptation (which are vanity, ego and pride) and I will gladly keep my black/white perspective and enjoy my non-cheating menopausal hormones.......thank you. ;)

 

I did get lucky though I guess.....luckily it was both of my ex's who cheated, I was very tempted many times, so I assume that in your "grey" area of the subject they should not be demonized being the villains they are because obviously a woman must have made them cheat as she wasn't doing something right (that's what many male cheaters say...but also what many female cheaters say as well). Personally, I think anyone, regardless of gender is amoral for cheating.

 

If you no longer love someone, set them free...they may have been needing you to set them free and drowning in the fact they knew you didn't love them. They may know that simply by the way you have treated them, so I don't always see black and white until the cheating happens. Had I seen black and white...I would be back to Option B and would have left my 2nd ExH when I was 8 months pregnant with our son and had enough of his belligerent abuse before he cheated 15 years later.

[Desert70]

Well, this conversation has taken another path perhaps but does shed some light on "are you better off with the Devil you know, or the Devil you don't know??"

 

Given some of the responses, this could quickly expand into a mysogynist/feminist thread since the convo turned to generalisations about about a gender in specific.

 

That hatred of women is as much a turn off as women who put men down in general. The opening question is would you go back and try again and work at it or would you run from that person.....not the entire gender base....but as a woman (and over 40) I get that.

[Desert70]

Well, this conversation has taken another path perhaps but does shed some light on "are you better off with the Devil you know, or the Devil you don't know??"

 

 

 

Honestly, I would much rather be alone than trying to work things out with my cheater ex. I have to admit though, that at some point, I did think of what you said, about being better off with the known devil than the unknown devil. Fortunately for me, I chose to be alone for now. I am aware that finding a trustworthy companion at my age (over 40) is close to impossible, but value myself enough not to put up with anybody's cheating.

[RonaldS]

I wish I had left the first time that she showed me that she really had no respect for me....which was about 1 month into our relationship.

[socaljk57]

"Well, this conversation has taken another path perhaps but does shed some light on "are you better off with the Devil you know, or the Devil you don't know??" "

 

Great question. Its amazing how many people think the grass is greener on the other side. Just a different shade.

 

"When I was younger, I used to think all men couldn't keep their d*ck in their pants and were serial cheaters....now I know that all men who have a d*ck could cheat if they wanted to but it's their moral compass that keeps the good men from straying and hurting their families. Shame neither of my Ex's had a decent moral compass....hopefully some men out there do."

 

My moral compass is fine and I know plenty of other men who are good guys. In general, I think the moral character of the avg person has degenerated. We are becoming a transient society where commitment means little (professionally and personally).

[socaljk57]

Forgot to answer the question ...

 

I vote for

 

A - hang in there and work harder on working things out and putting more time and effort into reconciling?

 

Yeah it can be painful and detrimental to your mental health. But, in the end, we all took marriage vows. And that means something. If it doesn't, then you shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. If you did your best to reconcile and they backed out then its on them.

[Mr. Lucky]

A young son together forced me into Option A and I don't regret trying for his sake. But in hindsight, I wish I would have had more faith in my subsequent ability to be there for him post divorce. It worked out well.

 

Had I known my current wife was out there, would have left at warp speed...

 

Mr. Lucky