Years after divorce - do you wish you worked harder or left sooner?

[Steadfast]

Six-years in 2014 for me. Completely over her but it left some scars.

 

I struggled with this early on. My ex initially didn't give me much choice, but after she'd been on her own awhile she started drifting back and forth. The kids were a handy excuse to drop by unannounced. I tested her and she came to me, every time. It was a strange game that I grew tired of.

 

Truth is, I did the best I could, then. I think it's natural to want to work it out when you love someone. I gave her more chances than I should have and I could have done some things much better, but when I did shut the door there was no doubt I'd tried. Above and beyond, and all that.

 

I would prefer to spend my life with someone who feels I'm worth Option A and I feel is worth Option A...then Option A isn't an Option.....it's a relationship.

 

I couldn't have said it better.

[M30USA]

A young son together forced me into Option A and I don't regret trying for his sake. But in hindsight, I wish I would have had more faith in my subsequent ability to be there for him post divorce. It worked out well.

 

Had I known my current wife was out there, would have left at warp speed...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I'm hoping I can say the same 10 years from now. I probably would be better off married again--as sarcastic as I am currently.

[Steen719]

A young son together forced me into Option A and I don't regret trying for his sake. But in hindsight, I wish I would have had more faith in my subsequent ability to be there for him post divorce. It worked out well.

 

Had I known my current wife was out there, would have left at warp speed...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I really do feel this way as well. If I had left after the first infidelity, I am fairly sure I would have done fine. But, we do make those decisions based on a lot of things and the above for you and I were not bad reasons - the decisions were made out of love and concern.

 

The second time - I wish I had not even wasted any breath. I left, I divorced, I am much happier and it was the right decision without one single doubt (I mean, now I know that). Still, it was hard, but I do not regret leaving and wish I had done it immediately and not even entertained for one single minute that it would be any other decision than that.

[Mr. Lucky]

I really do feel this way as well. If I had left after the first infidelity, I am fairly sure I would have done fine. But, we do make those decisions based on a lot of things and the above for you and I were not bad reasons - the decisions were made out of love and concern

I was scared and overwhelmed at the thought of starting over and not being there full-time for my son. As much as my wife's infidelity and our sh*tty marriage pushed me away, fear held me in place. I understand now that getting through that is part of the process, but it seemed pretty daunting at the time. I feel for anyone just arriving at that place.

 

If we can offer anything here, it's testimony that it eventually works out. Hold your head up, steel your resolve, be there for your kids and live your life. Better days are ahead ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[beach]

I would have left sooner. I had doubts early on in the M that he couldn't be faithful. I chose to look the other way.

 

It took me 20 more years and solid evidence coupled with proof he never intended to grow emotionally or change.

 

 

It will never be his fault for anything. He's a perfect narcissistic a-hole.

[Steadfast]

It will never be his fault for anything. He's a perfect narcissistic a-hole.

 

That's pretty common I think. It's ironic; I learned little about my ex, but lots about myself. I understand how she may have believed I was the narcissist. I tried to control things from a perspective of love and care, but all she felt was the control. Either way, it's bad on me. I did it wrong.

 

I'd have to go way back... to before the marriage when I was single to 'fix' that. That's exactly where I am now. Who says second chances don't exist?

[littlejaz]

I see a lot of comments about sticking to your vows, which I was adamant about doing and it put me through years of unhappiness and emotional torture. Then I read a comment that marriage was a contract and both sides have responsibilities and obligations and if one partner is not upholding their side of the contact, then they are deeming the contract null and void.

 

After reading that, I can say I wish I had left sooner, but I was trying to keep to my vows. I tried to convince myself that the worst had just come sooner than I ever imagined and I had to just suck it up and live with it. But the truth is that my STBXH (separated 2 years) refused to ever try to work anything out. He played the professional victim throughout our entire marriage. Then he turned to lying and cheating. So he breached the marital contract and ended our marriage, I just made it official.

 

And as for the cheating. There is never a moral reason to cheat. Humans can come up with a million reasons as to why they cheated but the truth is that those are either a million things that need to be worked on in the relationship or a million reasons to get a divorce before you start another relationship.

[Mr. Lucky]

After reading that, I can say I wish I had left sooner, but I was trying to keep to my vows. I tried to convince myself that the worst had just come sooner than I ever imagined and I had to just suck it up and live with it.

.

Understood. I remember telling my ex that "for better or worse" was expressed in hope for the better rather than an invitation to explore the limits of the worse. Some spouses seem to think the marital contract only binds you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Arieswoman]

Isn't it amazing how hindsight is always 20/20 vision ?

 

Looking back I wish I had put my foot down when I first noticed my WS behaviour change, and he started getting emotionally abusive. I should have told him "lose the attitude, or lose me" and then followed through if there was no improvement on his part.

 

Instead I chose to stay and put up with it for 6 months, thinking he was having a breakdown or under stress at work. When dd came it was such a relief to know I wasn't going potty.

 

When I started dating again I raised the bar so high that only a guy with stilts could get up there.

I kept a good lookout for Red Flags. I wouldn't accept bad manners or verbal abuse. I gave myself permission to walk out of dates, dinners or dances if the guy I was with wasn't respectful.

 

I still got cheated on twice by guys but it was now so, so much easier to walk away.

 

I was single for 15 years then I moved with work and met a guy at the church I joined. We have been together 5 years now.