Strange Living Situation

[BenThereDunThat]

I'm currently in a situation that is really doing a trip on my head. It will probably take a few posts to get the whole story out but I'll try to just give basics for now.

 

Backstory:

 

Him: Bad boy from my past (30+ years), going through divorce.

Me: Single homeowner

 

The first week of July (this year) he came to me crying. He and his wife were divorcing, he had nowhere to live and had just lost his job. He's 45 and going to school full time for an Associates degree. He had his dog too. Could he please stay with me? He'll do all the housework, laundry, whatever he can to make my life easier. I won't have to worry about a thing.

 

For whatever reason, I didn't have it within me to tell him no, he and his dog could not move in. So he did. All the while praising me about how I'm saving his life and his STBX was also so grateful to me that she didn't have to worry about him and his mental state.

 

Of course, almost immediately we had sex. Here we were, 2 single and relatively attractive people. Why not, right? We had dated when we were kids, so there was some history there too.

 

Every time we did it, it was always reiterated by at least one of us that sex is ALL it is, nothing more.

 

Now, he has no redeeming quality as far as a life partner goes - for me anyway. No job, he owes back child support from his first marriage (this current one was his second), smokes pot all day long. I'm not against pot personally, but when you don't have any $.....

 

So guess who he borrows $ from. Yep, me. Now I know this is all on me at this point. He borrowed from me against his student loan $. He did pay me back when he got that $.

 

He's since gone through that, and has started borrowing against the next check. Again, I know, my fault.

 

We'll have days that are good and I don't mind him being here. Then there are days where I can't stand the sight of him and want him out of my house.

 

A lot of it has to do with my feeling possessive of him. Why, you ask? Good question that I wish I knew the answer to. He's recently started things back up with his STBX. By that I mean, she wants him to come over for sex whenever her kids are gone.

 

Because, why not? I'm shouldering all the stuff she didn't want to deal with when married. Now he's out and not her "problem" anymore she wants to f*ck him. Because "they still enjoy each other's company, just can't be married or live together."

 

First, I told him, fine. No more sex with me. Then the more I thought about it, I thought, screw this. You can get along with her well enough to spend weekends with her, then you can continue to live with her until you graduate and get your own place. People do in-house separations all the time.

 

He freaked out, begged me not to kick him out, how could I do this to him? He loves living with me and hanging out with me. He decided not to see the STBX unless she was willing to take him back for good (which she's not).

 

My friends and family hate him and I feel stuck with him for whatever reason. I'm a nice person. I can't bring myself to throw someone and his dog out onto the streets even though it's not my fault he's even in this situation.

 

It's all so jacked up, I know. Sorry if this sounds jumbled or doesn't make sense in parts. It's taken me a long time to try to put this into words.

 

Thanks for any feedback.

[d0nnivain]

First things first:

 

 

Get him out of your wallet. No more loans.

 

 

Next get him out of your bed. Find a new person to be your FWB.

 

 

Now start to get him out of your house. I'd tell him he has to pay rent . . . . just pick some number you know he can't afford even if it's $200 per month. Make him sign a lease. If he won't start eviction proceedings immediately.

 

 

His bad decisions are only you problem as long as you continue to enable him.

[mrs rubble]

You do need to boot him out! How are you ever going to attract good into your life with this albatross around your neck?

It's time for him to man up and be responsible for himself. You aren't helping him in the way he needs.

I was in a similar situation 2 years ago, I had a 47yo "friend" sponging off me.

I was firm in the end and demanded rent money and when he couldn't pay I asked him to leave. He begged me to let him stay. I gave him a date....which arrived without him leaving, so I packed his stuff in my car and asked where he wanted it dropped off.....surprise, surprise the new flatmate kicked him out after a few weeks too. Then he camped out under a bridge for awhile. He's now in state housing on his own.

[BenThereDunThat]

Thanks for the feedback. And you're not telling me anything I don't already know.

 

I don't know why I'm struggling with this. I have a lot going for me. I'm not unattractive, no kids, own my own home, decent job at a great company that I've held for 14 years.

 

Why do I constantly feel rejected by this person who has NOTHING going for him? Why does it feel like a knife to the heart when he cries to me about his ex-wife? "We still love each other, we just can't be together."

 

I can't wrap my head around that. I can't wrap my head around any of it. I finally opened up to him tonight in a calm manner.

 

He wants to move out too, I'm making him miserable too. He just has no place to go. And he doesn't. So I feel stuck feeling this way....until when? When is it going to stop? When I put my foot down and kick him out and he does end up living under a bridge? Then I'm the cold hearted bitch who sent someone out into the streets.

 

I'm also the cold hearted bitch that told him it was a dick move to go through a divorce and think he was gonna spend a carefree weekend with his STBX now that she's not the one financing him and all the other things that go with living with him.

 

Meanwhile, I met a great guy the other day. We had a great date. But now he's on a dredge boat for the next 2+ weeks.

 

I don't know, I'm happy for feedback but I guess I'm just trying to get this out of my head and into black and white.

 

I'm very depressed about the whole situation. I tend to do what it takes to fix things about me/my life that I don't like and move on. But this? This I feel like there's nothing I can do right now.

 

My friends are sick of hearing about it (understandably).

 

Just, bleh.

 

ETA: I've just re-filled my xanax. Yes, this is how I'm coping. Obnoxious amounts of xanax. I'm not suicidal over this, but really, I'd just rather sleep until he's gone and I can pretend I never met him.

Edited January 2, 2014 by BenThereDunThat