peruano99 Posted December 29, 2013 Share Posted December 29, 2013 I was debating with some people and they feel that because someone cheats a long time ago, doesn't tell their partner, and then tells them years later, it's okay to forgive them. Link to post Share on other sites
Kate9292 Posted December 29, 2013 Share Posted December 29, 2013 It's always OK to forgive someone, you can't hold your anger at them forever. Whether to reconcile, I'm a firm believer in it, but not every person thinks like me I guess. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 29, 2013 Share Posted December 29, 2013 Years after the fact, if you have never done it again, disclosure only serves to hurt the other person. If the cheating happened early on in a dating relationship & never again but you have now been married for years, I think it's water under the bridge. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author peruano99 Posted December 29, 2013 Author Share Posted December 29, 2013 Years after the fact, if you have never done it again, disclosure only serves to hurt the other person. If the cheating happened early on in a dating relationship & never again but you have now been married for years, I think it's water under the bridge. But you wouldn't blame the BS if they decide leave their cheating spouse right? Link to post Share on other sites
ThatMan Posted December 29, 2013 Share Posted December 29, 2013 ...Okay to whom? It's not okay to me. My relationships aren't built on lies of omission, even if I regret my actions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
regine_phalange Posted December 29, 2013 Share Posted December 29, 2013 Unbelievable! I was debating with some ostriches and they said the exact same thing! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JDPT Posted December 29, 2013 Share Posted December 29, 2013 Sadly I have cheated in the past. However, I decided to keep it to myself after the break up. My thought process was more of a, "it would hurt me more than her" if I was to tell. I understand it doesn't mKe it right but it still was my best course if action. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted December 29, 2013 Share Posted December 29, 2013 Hubby and I have been together 30 years. We've been thru he11 together including burying two children. I support us due to his disability and am his caretaker. If he told me, or I found out, that he had cheated on me at any time during our relationship I would be absolutely devastated and the marriage over. I don't know that we could ever build a new relationship. I think the betrayal would actually be the end of me. I take vows very seriously. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author peruano99 Posted December 30, 2013 Author Share Posted December 30, 2013 I think that if a person decides to lie for a long time to their BS about his/her affair , they don't deserve to be forgiven. I mean why lie instead of telling the truth? Cheating years ago or cheating yesterday is still wrong and if the person expects to be given a second chance, he/she should be truthful and not be a liar and expect forgiveness. Link to post Share on other sites
samsungxoxo Posted December 30, 2013 Share Posted December 30, 2013 I was debating with some people and they feel that because someone cheats a long time ago, doesn't tell their partner, and then tells them years later, it's okay to forgive them.I can't imagine marrying someone and finding out they cheated many years later down the road. It would suck esp if you were always a good persona and never cheated on them. I'm assuming that if the cheaters either tells them right away or they get caught, that is something that would change the betrayed partner's decision in the future such as never marrying such person or something like this: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/131978-my-husband-bringing-back-my-past-cheating-but-do-i-deserve.HTML In that story, the guy gets cheated on while they're bf and gf, he literally caught her with his friend (I assume that those images never go away) but still decides to forgive and married her 5 years after the betrayal. Nevertheless, the guy suddenly triggers again years into their marriage and he might be revenge cheating this time, after all this time. Overall, even if the betrayed partners decides to forgive and still marries them, the relationship isn't the same and never will be. So cheating and not telling but getting forever consumed by that guilt and living a total lie or cheating and having to see what you've caused them and all the hard process in the rebuilding trust, it never being the same again are both lose-lose situations. I think the only solution would be to confess the following day it happened but break up with him/her since it'll never be the same. Even if the cheater is remorseful and they get married still, it'll be just like that story. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 30, 2013 Share Posted December 30, 2013 But you wouldn't blame the BS if they decide leave their cheating spouse right? It would depend. If the person cheated 6 months into a dating relationship but the couple had been married for 10+ years, I wouldn't blame the BS for being upset but yes, after all that time I would blame them for not fighting for their marriage. If the same couple was married but the cheating occurred inside the marriage -- after they took vows -- I'd be a bit more understanding. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted December 30, 2013 Share Posted December 30, 2013 But you wouldn't blame the BS if they decide leave their cheating spouse right? It is the right of the BS to walk away. Though it does not mean they must. Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted December 30, 2013 Share Posted December 30, 2013 You have to remember this. Suppose a man/woman cheated on their spouse 10, 20 years ago and it's all in the past for the cheater. Now 10 20 years later it comes out and their spouse finds out about it. To the cheater it happened a long time ago but to the betrayed spouse it's now "Today". They just find out about it and it ain't old news but it now becomes the headlines in their marriage and they have to deal with the betrayal. All the years they spent together building their marriage, family, hopes and dreams is built on a huge lie. It's not only the betrayal, but his/her whole life crashing down on them and that's a whole lot to handed to them. It would be a nightmare trying to sort the mess out. All of a sudden the person who have building your life with is not who you thought they were. There are people on this forum that have survived something like this and they have more back bone than I do. I tip my hat to them because it has to take a whole lot to rebuild what you thought you had. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author peruano99 Posted December 30, 2013 Author Share Posted December 30, 2013 It would depend. If the person cheated 6 months into a dating relationship but the couple had been married for 10+ years, I wouldn't blame the BS for being upset but yes, after all that time I would blame them for not fighting for their marriage. If the same couple was married but the cheating occurred inside the marriage -- after they took vows -- I'd be a bit more understanding. Like someone said for the cheater cheating for that long happened a long time, but for the BS, he/she just found out. I wouldn't particularly blame him/her because they have the right to be upset. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 30, 2013 Share Posted December 30, 2013 Almost every single cheater I have ever known, male or female, cheated again. (Except for those who did it as a teenager.) . This is why I said it depends. I want more specifics. I would absolutely be inclined to ignore a 17 year old who kissed another person during the course of a dating relationship but never did it again & has since been happily married. I'd be more likely to walk out on a grown adult who had sex the week before the wedding, or worse, after the vows, even if it was just once. You can't make these hard & fast statements about "I would never" without knowing the specifics. Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted December 30, 2013 Share Posted December 30, 2013 It all depends what you mean by "cheating" as D0nnivain says. Years ago a boyfriend of mine called at my house unannouced to see if I wanted to go to the pictures/movies. My parents told him I was at a friend's house having a "girlie" night. He went around to another girlfriend's house and took her to the pictures/movies instead. He did own up the next time I saw him. I wasn't very pleased but as it was entirely innocent I let it go. I didn't class that as "cheating". My exH slept with another girl very early on in our relationship. I found out because another friend told me. This was before we had a sexual relationship and when we were only dating casually. When I asked why, he said because "he wanted to" and "she was available" and that he didn't really like her very much anyway. I didn't count this either, as we wern't committed to each other at the time. I let this go and after we had been married 7 years he cheated on me. This makes me wonder if there was more to his past that I didn't know about. Link to post Share on other sites
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