LDR dilema! Should I move to be with him?

[Ciera]

Hey,

 

I don't really know where to start, I guess, I work in a pub, my friends always come there to drink, and we hang out there a lot.

We get to know this guy who's new to the area. He without to much detail was doing a gap year, moving round coaching soccer, and intending to train in snowboard instructing come the season.

 

He was 23, a year younger than me, exceptionally good looking and he new it, very confident, a bit of a 'bad boy'.

I've always gone for bad boys, I did kind of like him, but nothing serious whatsoever. I certainly didn't want anything with him. I'm a single mum, I have a little boy, it was a typical 16 and pregnant type story - like I say I've always gone for the bad boys! I dated a few guys after Chester was born but it was never serious, they were young guys and I had a son and we were in different places in life. So I haven't dated at all for 3 years.

 

Anyway I got on with him, we we're friends. He moved on up to Alaska, and after a little while asked me and some of our mutual friends to go out to see him there on holiday about 4 months ago.

 

We did, me & 3 friends, and when we got there one of his brothers, Rohan, was also out there on holiday (they're quadruplets. Keane had talked about his brothers a fair bit but not enough for me to know who was who etc)

 

I really clicked with his brother, he's very good looking, funny, he's got that gung-ho charm that I've always been attracted too, but he's a lot lot softer than his brother, than any guy I've dated, a little shy, a little clumsy.

He's one of these people that just brims with honesty and integrity. He's not my usual type but we clicked. I liked him, a lot.

 

After we both went home, me to Oregon him to Ireland, we kind of stayed in the more-than-friends-but-not-in-a-relationship area for a while.

Then he came out to visit me.

On the day he arrived he came over that afternoon, he wanted to eat and go see his first hockey game, I'd already asked my mum to babysit for the night and he was surprised because he wanted Chet to come with us - that was the moment when I just knew right then and there he was totally right for me, for us.

 

I fell hard for him, in that week, and in all the weeks after when we'd talk on the phone and Skype.

 

Me and Chet went to see him in Ireland the week before Christmas, it was great! Being with him feels so right, he makes me happy. And he has a big family, it was nice to see Chet getting to do 'guy things' with male role models like leaning to fish, ride a horse and play golf.

 

But it also left me feeling confused. I just don't see the light at the end of the tunnel for us. I know theres no way Rohan would leave Ireland, he's so close to his family, its like theres a pull to be where his brothers are, plus his work ties him to there.

Which means to be together, which is what I want, to really give us a proper go, means me moving, although admittedly I have no great career that still means me moving my son half way across the world which I cant help but feel is selfish.

My mom and Chester are the only family I have, when I had him my mom was so ridiculously amazing, I couldn't of done it without her, he wouldn't be the boy he is without her, to move him to Ireland would be taking away his and mines entire support system - I don't know if love is really a valid enough reason to...do that. If it was just me, id go, but its not just me, I just want to do right by my son.

 

If gone on and on now, sorry, I love him, but its hard to love him and not be with him. if I knew we would be one day I could do it but if we cant ever physically geographically be together then its just going to hurt everyone. There's so many scenarios just flying round and round in my head.

 

Any advice on Long distance? Anyone been in a long distance relationship with kids?

[d0nnivain]

If there is no chance to be together without you moving to another country I think you need to give this up as a fantasy unless you are committed to raising your kids as an Ex-Pat. What are Ireland's immigration laws? Can you get a job? Does he want you to move? You don't need to tell us the answers but you do have to answer the Qs. Also factor in the costs.

[ThisGal]

You need to stop liking 'bad boys' hence why you got pregnant at such a young age. You're not an adult now and it's time for you to make better decisions and get out of this I like "cocky, bad boys" phase. It's silly. And guys like that are no good.

 

Anyway, you seem to have liked all 3 brothers which is weird. Make up your mind already.

 

I think moving to another country WITH A CHILD is a ridiculous idea! If you're going to make a drastic move like that then do it alone; leave your child with your mother and move on your own but to involve your child is not smart at all. Even you moving alone would be a bad idea. It's not only unsafe, it's just a rash decision. You haven't known this man very long at all. Keep your child where he is safe...with your mom.

 

Concentrate on your child. And don't leave your loving mother for a man you hardly know well enough. Just continue to communicate long distance and have him visit you once in a while, and take thins slow... but honestly, I would just end the relationship now.

[nomadic_butterfly]

Any advice on Long distance? Anyone been in a long distance relationship with kids?

 

First of all, you need to be careful and VERY choosey about the men you allow in your young child's life. I don't think it is prudent to introduce/involve a man whom you are not serious with.

 

There's nothing concrete here and I highly doubt he would propose marriage at this point, which is necessary for either one of one of you to move to the other, which is improbable due to the not-so-serious nature of the relationship with this guy. Uprooting your child should God forbid this relationship fell through would be traumatizing for him; he'd of left all he has known in America, then the loss a father figure and then the new environment that he'd become accustomed will suddenly change again. Not good at all.

 

I think you need to mature more mentally and emotionally before you enter another relationship, respectfully speaking. You seem indecisive, impractical, and your "love for bad boys" should be behind you now; you have a child to think about and any man who enters his life will serve as an example of "how to be a man" and surely you don't want your son to grow up to be a bad-boy.

 

Maybe do some introspection. From a rational perspective, ask yourself what benefit is there to a "bad boy?" If you are really into the main guy, how on earth can you have eyes for his brother? And you say you are in love with him? Sorry but it doesn't add up. Find a decent guy who is willing to be a man and father for your son with goals, plans, and ambitions for his life. Someone to challenge you to be better and uplift you, not leave you with cheap thrills and empty hands.

Edited December 30, 2013 by nomadic_butterfly

[Ciera]

If there is no chance to be together without you moving to another country I think you need to give this up as a fantasy unless you are committed to raising your kids as an Ex-Pat.

Well this is it, yeah.

If Rohan and Ireland are a package deal then I know I have to make a choice sooner than later.

 

What are Ireland's immigration laws?

Its complicated to get a work permit, especially because i'm not earning that much.

Obviously there's the marriage way, but in Ireland you have to physically go over, get married, come back , apply for visa. And we're not ready to do that, I wouldn't ever rush getting married.

But because my fathers, father was born in Ireland, if I can prove that, then I can apply for like dual citizenship, meaning I can either work there or get a work visa to work there, not sure which. And then i'd have to apply for a visa for my son as my dependant.

 

There's a lot of paperwork but it is possible, thanks to my dads heritage - who'd of known he'd of actually given me something after all these years!

 

Can you get a job?

I could find work, yeah. I don't have much of a career currently so, it would just be a sideways move I guess.

 

Does he want you to move?

He does. He wants us to move out and live with him.

 

You don't need to tell us the answers but you do have to answer the Qs. Also factor in the costs.

I know, theres so much to think about it just goes round and round in my head.

[Viking-Liz]

Life is all about taking chances, isnt it? Bring your mother with you if she wants to be close to you and have no strings attached (and want to of course).

[Ciera]

You need to stop liking 'bad boys' hence why you got pregnant at such a young age. You're not an adult now and it's time for you to make better decisions and get out of this I like "cocky, bad boys" phase. It's silly. And guys like that are no good.

I know this absolutely.

Its why I haven't dated for so long, because I know that I end up going for the same type again and again and their no good. When I was a kid my mum used to go for that same type of guy time after time and I swore I wouldn't, but I did. So I won't do it now. I wont bring guys like that into Chet's life!!

 

I used to have this imaginary ridiculous checklist of what a guy would have to 'be' before I dated him. It was meant to be impossible, and then I met Rohan, and he just ticked every box. Maybe I should of had a "dosent live half way round the worlds" clause, but I didn't.

 

He's not that type I've always been attracted to (which is a good thing) but I love him, and I feel more strongly for him than I have anyone.

 

Anyway, you seem to have liked all 3 brothers which is weird. Make up your mind already.

Haha no, I met Keane first and he is really nice looking and he's a good friend but nothing more, we'd never be more than that, I wouldn't want to be with him in a romantic sense.

Rohan I've fell for, no doubt about it!

I met his other two brothers when I was in Ireland, their nice guys, but i'm not attracted to them.

 

I think moving to another country WITH A CHILD is a ridiculous idea! If you're going to make a drastic move like that then do it alone; leave your child with your mother and move on your own but to involve your child is not smart at all. Even you moving alone would be a bad idea. It's not only unsafe, it's just a rash decision. You haven't known this man very long at all. Keep your child where he is safe...with your mom.

 

Concentrate on your child. And don't leave your loving mother for a man you hardly know well enough. Just continue to communicate long distance and have him visit you once in a while, and take thins slow... but honestly, I would just end the relationship now.

 

I totally intend to take it slowly. Even if it was a question of me and him saying, as late as this time nest year i'll move, that woud be okay, I have no desire to rush it and make a wrong move, I just want to know theres a light at the end of the tunnel for us, because if there isn't then its going to hurt everyone down the road.

 

I would never in a million years leave without Chester. He is my world.

I would never consider it if it would Chester never!

And yeah leaving my mom scares me to death, cause she's always been my rock and she is along with me the only support system Chet's ever had. I cant imagine her not being round the corner.

 

But i'm trying to weight everything up because, its not just a cause of I love Rohan so sod everything else. There genuinely could be a life for me and Chet in Ireland.

 

When we went out there it was so nice to see him doing stuff like fishing and horse riding. He hasn't got a male figure in his life out here and Rohan is such a good one, I cant even believe how good he is when Chet's not his son.

And he's got such a big family and it was so nice to sit back and watch Chet play outdoors with Row's nephews and little cousins. Because he's quite a shy boy and out here he always hangs back form other kids. I see it when I take him to his sports clubs and now even his teachers tells me it.

It breaks my heart. It breaks my heart if that's my fault, because I love that boy so much theres nothing in the world that I wouldn't do for him! But it's just me, I don't have a check from his dad each month or anything, its just me. And I haven't got a high paying job, so I have to go out and work these long hours, I have to to get money to feed him and to pay the bills, I don't have a choice. And that means that i'm not there as much as I like, as much as I want to be!!

My moms fantastic, she looks after him when im working as much as she can so he's with family but, if its hurting him, me not being there as much as I wish I could be then that kills me, cause all I want is for him to be happy, i'm doing my best, i'm trying as hard as ive ever tried at anything, but I don't have a choice we need the money.

 

 

Anyway that's irrelevant, but I love that boy with all my heart. And it was so nice to see him in Ireland, playing more confidently than ive seen him in a long time and getting experiences.

 

So part of me thinks that maybe a life out there, would be better for me and him. Living out in the country, lots of people around him, small schools, me with more time because i'm not trying to run a house hold by myself, a father figure in his life.

 

He gave Chet a present when we left Ireland, the kind of string necklace with a Celtic knot charm that he and his 3 brothers wear. Its old Irish tradition, to do with the timeless nature of your spirit, its meant to bring luck. He loves it, he wears it everyday.

I love seeing Chet with a good male influence in his life.

 

 

BUT the price is leaving everything we know, me and him both. And moving half way around the world from my mom.

 

I just feel torn! I wish so badly he just lived 10 mins round the corner

[Ciera]

First of all, you need to be careful and VERY choosey about the men you allow in your young child's life. I don't think it is prudent to introduce/involve a man whom you are not serious with.

I totally agree!! I wouldn't do that. I took him to Ireland because I am totally serious about Rohan

 

Uprooting your child should God forbid this relationship fell through would be traumatizing for him; he'd of left all he has known in America, then the loss a father figure and then the new environment that he'd become accustomed will suddenly change again. Not good at all.

I know that.

Its like theres this carrot, of this life we could have, me and Chet, dangling in front of me. And I want so bad to jump for it, because i'd do anything to give my son the best life I could but im scared because I know as well as anyone that if you jump you might fall.

If it was just me i'd leave tomorrow, but I have to do whats right for chet, and I don't know whats right for Chet!

Its like I said in the post above about how different his life could be.

I just don't know, I don't know, i'm his mom and I should know whats best but I don't!!

 

I think you need to mature more mentally and emotionally before you enter another relationship, respectfully speaking. You seem indecisive, impractical, and your "love for bad boys" should be behind you now; you have a child to think about and any man who enters his life will serve as an example of "how to be a man" and surely you don't want your son to grow up to be a bad-boy.

It totally is! I would never bring someone like that into chets life! Its like I said, mum used to go for that same type of guy time after time and I swore I wouldn't, but I did. I want a good influence in Chets life!!

 

And if he grows up to be anything like Rohan then, I wont of done bad, and id be so so proud of him.

 

If you are really into the main guy, how on earth can you have eyes for his brother? And you say you are in love with him? Sorry but it doesn't add up.

I do love him. I don't have eyes for his brother. I just happened to meet his brother before him, and he was, still is, very good looking. But it doesn't mean I want to be with him. his other two brothers are good looking, they're an attractive set of lads but it doesn't mean I want to be with any of them but Rohan.

I don't click with any of them like I do him.

I've never felt about anyone like I do him!

 

Find a decent guy who is willing to be a man and father for your son with goals, plans, and ambitions for his life. Someone to challenge you to be better and uplift you, not leave you with cheap thrills and empty hands.

I agree, but what about when that guy lives half way around the world?

 

 

 

Life is all about taking chances, isnt it? Bring your mother with you if she wants to be close to you and have no strings attached (and want to of course).

 

It is and if it was just me id take it! But its my son, I don't know whats right for my son.

 

Id love to take my mom with me!! She wouldn't get a visa!

[Viking-Liz]

It is and if it was just me id take it! But its my son, I don't know whats right for my son.

 

Id love to take my mom with me!! She wouldn't get a visa!

 

Not even family reunion after a while?

 

Regarding your son, if they treat him as family, what would be better than getting it large scale?

[Ciera]

Not even family reunion after a while?

I don't know, maybe if we got married? She could obviously come on holiday but whether she could ever get a visa I really don't know.

 

Regarding your son, if they treat him as family, what would be better than getting it large scale?

yeah I know what you mean its true.

In a lot of ways I know it would be really good for him to have that, its something he's never had, it's something I never had.

Rohan's a farrier and his family run a horse stables, like I say watching Chet playing out in the fields with the other kids in the family, learning to ride the horses, taking the little boat out of the harbour with me and Rohan, going for dinner at Row's mom's with all the family there, watch Chet not hang back, not be shy - it was really really lovely, idyllic!

 

I didn't know Ireland was such a beautiful, quaint place. I didn't know people really lived lives like Rohan and his family do outside of books and movies.

 

I feel like it might be really great for Chester, he might flourish there, grow in confidence in that environment.

 

But I cant shake the worry, that what if it all went wrong? Cause there Rohan's family and they'd stand by him, my mom wouldn't be there to support us. We'd have to move back to America.

And yeah that isn't the end of the world, I could do that, say 'hey I really gave my happy-ever-after a go'. But I worry about Chet, I worry about how he'd cope if that happened.

And it may well not happen. But I'm his mom, I can't help but worry.

[TMichaels]

I think you're being incredibly naïve and need to take off the rose-colored glasses you have on your head and get your facts straight.

 

a) I don't know where you are getting your information about Irish immigration law, but what you described is not accurate. Do your homework so you know what the actual options are, including your ability to apply for dual-citizenship through descent.

 

b) In a similar vein, you or your b/f can spend up to three months a year in each other's country and you don't even need to apply for a visa to do so. It's a benefit of the waiver program for visitors that exists between the two countries. I suggest one or the other of you exercise that option so that you can be together for an extended time and really get to know each other instead of making decisions about your future based on "holiday highs."

 

c) Even though your b/f may be self-employed, you need to understand the economy and job market in Ireland is in tatters, a number of new taxes have been initiated to shore up the country's financial shortfalls, and the number of Irish who have had to leave the country to find work as a result rivals the potato famine diaspora.

 

Again, you need to do your homework -- you can't work there if you're on a visitor's visa; if you are a citizen by marriage or descent, you can, but good luck in finding something as even unskilled jobs are hard to find as Ireland is now part of the EU and any citizen of another EU country has a right to work in Ireland so competition for jobs is even more intense.

 

Likewise, your b/f is unlikely to get a work permit in the US. His profession is not one that would qualify and/or an employer could make a case for sponsoring.

 

d) You have every right to be concerned about the impact such a move would have on your son (not just once, but perhaps twice depending on how things worked out in Eire). Your b/f should also realize what a gamble and sacrifice you'd be making -- and *he* also needs to put your son first ahead of either of your needs.

 

e) The two of you are very young and I don't think you're being at all realistic. *You* also shouldn't be the one trying to make this relationship work. If this guy truly wants a life-long relationship with you then he needs to get the finger out, face facts, and do what it takes to make it happen instead of day-dreaming about idyllic afternoons at the lake.

 

Bottom line, as I said, you need to get off the love buzz you're both on, get down to brass tacks, and put a plan together based on facts, not wishes, whims, misinformation, and desires. If the two of you aren't willing to do that, then there's no future to be worried about.

 

You both also best be saving your pennies, as sustaining a LDR is expensive, as is going through any sort of visa/work permit/citizenship application process.

 

Again, one of those annoying realities that one would prefer to ignore, but unless you do get a grip on the challenges and issues you're up against, both of you are just wasting your time AND possibly causing harm/confusion to your son who should be the first priority for all involved.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[darkmoon]

giving up all you know to have sex and share a flat - where's the ring?

Edited December 30, 2013 by darkmoon

[Viking-Liz]

Likewise, your b/f is unlikely to get a work permit in the US. His profession is not one that would qualify and/or an employer could make a case for sponsoring.

 

Oh well, that profession (IF hes good at it) is as far as I know well payed and a good farrier is always nearly drowning in customers. No hoof, no horse you know

[nomadic_butterfly]

You've said A LOT about how you feel and how "serious" you take this relationship, BUT has this been implicitly AND explicitly established and expressed on his part? Not what you assume he feels based on how you feel, but has he told you he loves you? Has HE initiated conversation as to how this can possibly work?

 

I see a lot more of your projections, emotions, and thoughts and less of what Rohan has said. No doubt he is fond of you, but taking that fondness to another level requires practicality. I think you should put your feelings on pause until the BOTH of you talk this out and come up with a solid, FEASIBLE game plan.

 

It's easy to romanticize these types of situation but when the dust settles and fog clears, decisions have to be made. I like a Euro guy now too and soon I will know if it's time to try and make something work or let it go (visiting Europe potentially). I started a job and couldn't travel. He won a visa lottery. Initially he was going to come on another visa but long story short that didn't pan out. We spoke in-depth about how it could work and such.

 

So in a nutshell, he already had plans anyway to come to the US before we even met. I had just left Europe but America has better opportunities for me AND him. We are also both marriage minded. No hanky panky or romanticism of the exotic distant lover. Honestly though, if I knew it would take this long for him to come to the US, I wouldn't of even bothered entertaining it to begin with. But I did and this might end up being one of the best decisions I've made.

 

I will say marriage doesn't sound pragmatic as you guys barely spent time together, he is younger than you and not to say men don't get married young but taking on a child and a marriage at 23yrs old as a guy is asking for a lot from a man if he isn't in love and 100% sold you are the right kind of person for him long term. I know your heart is in it but due to the fact your son has to be considered and the fact you barely spent time with this guy I think you should throw up the white flag and find a local guy. It's just too complicated. Sorry.

Edited December 30, 2013 by nomadic_butterfly

[FitChick]

You need to spend as much time 24/7 with him as possible. Go for long blocks of time. You may not like Ireland as much as you think for various reasons. Because he's in an unusual occupation, he might be able to get a visa to work in the US. You should look into that. If there aren't many horses in Oregon, maybe move to another state with more horses.

[oldshirt]

You've experienced firsthand that their are looking guys that trip your trigger but also treat you well and will be ok with your son. You've proven they do exist.

 

Now go find one that is an American citizen and lives within an hour from you and has no plans of moving away.

[Viking-Liz]

Because he's in an unusual occupation, he might be able to get a visa to work in the US. You should look into that. If there aren't many horses in Oregon, maybe move to another state with more horses.

 

Take`em all to Scandinavia. We have lack of really great farriers here x)

[TMichaels]

Oh well, that profession (IF hes good at it) is as far as I know well payed and a good farrier is always nearly drowning in customers. No hoof, no horse you know

 

Because he's in an unusual occupation, he might be able to get a visa to work in the US. You should look into that. If there aren't many horses in Oregon, maybe move to another state with more horses.

 

Sigh. There's seems to be an overabundance of romanticism going on in this thread.

 

How many horses there are in Oregon or another state or whether a farrier often doesn't lack for customers has nothing to do with US immigration law.

 

I'm not going to do everyone's homework, but there are restrictions about the type of foreign workers that may apply for and be given a US Work Permit. In case you haven't heard, there are millions of people in the States out of work so if there's a job to be had, by law a US citizen is entitled to first dibs.

 

Oh sure, there are foreign nationals legally working in the US, but last time I checked an unskilled tradesman no matter how good, isn't exactly on par with the likes of those who *do* qualify for a temporary work permit which include:

 

1. Persons with extraordinary ability in the sciences, arts, education, business, or athletics. Applicants in this category must have extensive documentation showing sustained national or international acclaim and recognition in their fields of expertise. Such applicants do not have to have specific job offers, so long as they are entering the U.S. to continue work in the fields in which they have extraordinary ability.
   
2. Outstanding professors and researchers with at least three years experience in teaching or research, who are recognized internationally. Applicants in this category must be coming to the U.S. to pursue tenure, tenure track teaching, or a comparable research position at a university or other institution of higher education.
   
3. Multinational managers or executives who have been employed for at least one of the three preceding years by the overseas affiliate, parent, subsidiary, or branch of the U.S. employer. The applicant’s employment outside of the U.S. must have been in a managerial or executive capacity, and the applicant must be coming to work in a managerial or executive capacity.
   
4. Individuals with Extraordinary Ability or Achievement For persons with extraordinary ability or achievement in the sciences, arts, education, business, athletics, or extraordinary recognized achievements in the motion picture and television fields, demonstrated by sustained national or international acclaim, to work in their field of expertise. Includes persons providing essential services in support of the above individual.
   

There are other categories that also qualify, but you can look them up yourself. I am also not going to get into the fact that in almost all cases an employer has to sponsor a foreign worker and also prove that there is no other US citizen capable of doing the work. Again, you can Google that just as quickly as I can.

 

In short, just because you're capable of doing a job doesn't mean you'll be granted the right to hold one especially when there's no shortage of available workers in a particular category. What's more, the US isn't the only country to have such restrictions.

 

As I said before, the OP and her b/f need to get their heads out of the clouds and deal with reality. That means seeking out the facts so they know what their options are and just how large are the obstacles so they can make informed and responsible decisions.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[ThisGal]

I know this absolutely.

Its why I haven't dated for so long, because I know that I end up going for the same type again and again and their no good. When I was a kid my mum used to go for that same type of guy time after time and I swore I wouldn't, but I did. So I won't do it now. I wont bring guys like that into Chet's life!!

 

I used to have this imaginary ridiculous checklist of what a guy would have to 'be' before I dated him. It was meant to be impossible, and then I met Rohan, and he just ticked every box. Maybe I should of had a "dosent live half way round the worlds" clause, but I didn't.

 

He's not that type I've always been attracted to (which is a good thing) but I love him, and I feel more strongly for him than I have anyone.

 

 

Haha no, I met Keane first and he is really nice looking and he's a good friend but nothing more, we'd never be more than that, I wouldn't want to be with him in a romantic sense.

Rohan I've fell for, no doubt about it!

I met his other two brothers when I was in Ireland, their nice guys, but i'm not attracted to them.

 

 

 

I totally intend to take it slowly. Even if it was a question of me and him saying, as late as this time nest year i'll move, that woud be okay, I have no desire to rush it and make a wrong move, I just want to know theres a light at the end of the tunnel for us, because if there isn't then its going to hurt everyone down the road.

 

I would never in a million years leave without Chester. He is my world.

I would never consider it if it would Chester never!

And yeah leaving my mom scares me to death, cause she's always been my rock and she is along with me the only support system Chet's ever had. I cant imagine her not being round the corner.

 

But i'm trying to weight everything up because, its not just a cause of I love Rohan so sod everything else. There genuinely could be a life for me and Chet in Ireland.

 

When we went out there it was so nice to see him doing stuff like fishing and horse riding. He hasn't got a male figure in his life out here and Rohan is such a good one, I cant even believe how good he is when Chet's not his son.

And he's got such a big family and it was so nice to sit back and watch Chet play outdoors with Row's nephews and little cousins. Because he's quite a shy boy and out here he always hangs back form other kids. I see it when I take him to his sports clubs and now even his teachers tells me it.

It breaks my heart. It breaks my heart if that's my fault, because I love that boy so much theres nothing in the world that I wouldn't do for him! But it's just me, I don't have a check from his dad each month or anything, its just me. And I haven't got a high paying job, so I have to go out and work these long hours, I have to to get money to feed him and to pay the bills, I don't have a choice. And that means that i'm not there as much as I like, as much as I want to be!!

My moms fantastic, she looks after him when im working as much as she can so he's with family but, if its hurting him, me not being there as much as I wish I could be then that kills me, cause all I want is for him to be happy, i'm doing my best, i'm trying as hard as ive ever tried at anything, but I don't have a choice we need the money.

 

 

Anyway that's irrelevant, but I love that boy with all my heart. And it was so nice to see him in Ireland, playing more confidently than ive seen him in a long time and getting experiences.

 

So part of me thinks that maybe a life out there, would be better for me and him. Living out in the country, lots of people around him, small schools, me with more time because i'm not trying to run a house hold by myself, a father figure in his life.

 

He gave Chet a present when we left Ireland, the kind of string necklace with a Celtic knot charm that he and his 3 brothers wear. Its old Irish tradition, to do with the timeless nature of your spirit, its meant to bring luck. He loves it, he wears it everyday.

I love seeing Chet with a good male influence in his life.

 

 

BUT the price is leaving everything we know, me and him both. And moving half way around the world from my mom.

 

I just feel torn! I wish so badly he just lived 10 mins round the corner

 

Realistically, this relationship will not work out. I think there are too many hurdles. Don't get too emotionally invested in a relationship that will inevitably fail. Hate to say it but too complicated. I live in the same country as my b/f and that is already complicated as-is! (I'm still trying not to move to his state, argggg). I'm NOT saying if you live in different countries it will not work because that's untrue, so many people have made it happen but I don't see it working for you two. Just because you spent a little time with him and he was acting nice to your child does not mean you know everything there is to know about him. You still have yet to uncover the real him. It takes a while to really get to know someone. Don't make any rash, irresponsible decisions. You're not only responsible for yourself at this point but for your child as well. Think rationally. He will have a "father figure" in due time. No need to rush trying to find a man to call him son. You're young, take time with yourself and your family. You be his mom and dad.

Edited December 31, 2013 by ThisGal

[Els]

Oh well, that profession (IF hes good at it) is as far as I know well payed and a good farrier is always nearly drowning in customers. No hoof, no horse you know

 

This is sadly not how work visas function in terms of immigration law.

 

Migrating via the work visa route is incredibly difficult for most people, and unnecessarily difficult if your intention is partnership. Common routes to take are visitor or working holiday visas to test the water, then progressing to fiance/partner visas.

 

That being said, given the OP's description of herself and the R, I agree with nomadic. She needs to get her own life in order first and make her child top priority.

Edited December 31, 2013 by Elswyth

[Viking-Liz]

This is sadly not how work visas function in terms of immigration law.

 

He`d be able to get a visa here if he have proven results due to lack of farriers. I havent looked into the US immigration laws, as they are completely irrelevant to me.

 

There`s always a way, one just have to find them.

[Ciera]

As good as a farrier as he is (not that I know much about farriering but he's well thought of where he works and he won an award at college) I still think its less realistic for him to come here.

Yeah i'd be leaving my mom but other than that I wouldn't be leaving much - a cr^p job, a school Chet doesn't really like, a tiny flat we rent in not the best of areas. And i'd have a much better prospects at getting into the country due to my paternal granddad being Irish and being born there.

 

He on the other hand even if he did get a visa, leave his family and come over here. If he was to stay in his line of work we'd have to move anyway because there's no horses near where we live. So id still have to give up my job and then we'd both be starting with nothing.

 

At least if I go there, he's got a nice house, a good job, plus a stake in the family business - which is a successful horse stables, I wouldn't say they're 'wealthy' but they are definitely well off.

 

I can see it is the more sensible option

 

a) I don't know where you are getting your information about Irish immigration law, but what you described is not accurate. Do your homework so you know what the actual options are, including your ability to apply for dual-citizenship through descent.

I confess that immigration law makes my head spin. I don't understand the ins and outs but as far as I can tell i'd be eligible to apply for something (be it dual-citizenship or something else) through descent.

 

c) Even though your b/f may be self-employed, you need to understand the economy and job market in Ireland is in tatters...good luck in finding something as even unskilled jobs are hard to find as Ireland

I know he's told me the affect the recession has had out there. But he seems confident that it wouldn't be a problem, I was asking him what opportunities there were for me to get money when we first moved out there and he said that I could get 'similar work to what I do' and I 'could always help manage the stables till something I want to do comes up'.

 

unless you do get a grip on the challenges and issues you're up against, both of you are just wasting your time AND possibly causing harm/confusion to your son who should be the first priority for all involved.

I know, that's what brought me to writing this. I know now that its not just me that is happier for having Rohan in our lives. I realised recently that Chet is, I picked him up from my mums the other day and he had got a medal from his soccer club (like before they went on xmas break) and he's asking me on the way home if he can show it to Rohan when I Skype him. And if he's starting to mean something to Chet then that's what drove me to this we absolutely need to be either in it or out of it.

[Ciera]

You've said A LOT about how you feel and how "serious" you take this relationship, BUT has this been implicitly AND explicitly established and expressed on his part? Not what you assume he feels based on how you feel, but has he told you he loves you? Has HE initiated conversation as to how this can possibly work?

I see a lot more of your projections, emotions, and thoughts and less of what Rohan has said. No doubt he is fond of you, but taking that fondness to another level requires practicality. I think you should put your feelings on pause until the BOTH of you talk this out and come up with a solid, FEASIBLE game plan.

Has he told me he loves me, yeah. I get what it means now when people say someone can make you feel a million dollars, he's sweet, tells me he loves me, tells me all the time that he's got the luck of the Irish, that's why we're together.

To be fair to him, he does more than me, I always seem to have 10 million things to do but he'll take time to do nice things, like get up at a ridiculous hour due to the time difference so he could play monopoly with me over Skype when I had flu, and when I was in a bad mood on the phone because one of the flats had drilled through a power cable and I couldn't cook dinner, 15 mins later I get a knock on the door and he'd ordered my favourite pizza for me all the way from Ireland and got them to write inside the box 'love you ~ Rohan'. I know they sound silly little things but they mean a lot. He's a sweetheart.

 

As for has he initiated conversation in regards to a solid plan to be together, yeah he wants me to move to live with him in Ireland but he tells me he'll foot the costs for applications and actually moving everything over (I wouldn't let him do that but he will have to help me because I cant afford to do it all by myself).

He says he doesn't want to pressure me and that I should take as long as I need to think about moving and to get everything in order to move. But sometimes he does send me things like information about the little local school that Chester could go to, and he wanted to know what color I thought he should paint his bedroom when he was doing it about a month back.

And he likes to forward me any internet posts or reports about what a great place Ireland is to live, but that's kind of a half serious, half a running joke thing.

 

I will say marriage doesn't sound pragmatic as you guys barely spent time together, he is younger than you and not to say men don't get married young but taking on a child and a marriage at 23yrs old as a guy is asking for a lot from a man if he isn't in love and 100% sold you are the right kind of person for him long term.

I wouldn't marry him to get a visa right now, id never rush into marriage. I've seen my mom married and divorced 3 times, I don't want that.

I think he is probably more marriage minded than me, though I would do it one day. He'll happily talk about 'our' future 'after I've moved to Ireland' little things like how it'll be great because my favourite dish is lasagne and his mom has always don't lasagne nights every Thursday for all four boys and there partners/kids/etc. how its the best lasagne ever and i'll love it. To big things like how many kids he'd like and the extension he wants to build.

[Ciera]

do not make any rash, irresponsible decisions. You're not only responsible for yourself at this point but for your child as well. Think rationally. He will have a "father figure" in due time. No need to rush trying to find a man to call him son. You're young, take time with yourself and your family. You be his mom and dad.

 

I'd never do anything tht would be bad for my son, he's my world, There's nothing I would do for that boy!!

I'm not rushing to find him a father figure. I can do it on my own! When I had Chester everyone thought I was stupid, that I was making a mistake because I'd screw up at looking after him. I had his biological fathers, mom, ranting at me telling me I was trying to drag her son down.

But they were wrong cause I've done it by myself for the last 8 years! I never took a penny from her son, he's never even seen Chester.

 

I don't need a man. He just makes me happy is all. I smile more easily for being with him.

Admittedly Chester likes him, but he doesn't need him, he's got me.

[Shepp]

My mom and Chester are the only family I have, when I had him my mom was so ridiculously amazing, I couldn't of done it without her, he wouldn't be the boy he is without her, to move him to Ireland would be taking away his and mines entire support system - I don't know if love is really a valid enough reason to...do that. If it was just me, id go, but its not just me, I just want to do right by my son.

 

I know now that its not just me that is happier for having Rohan in our lives.

 

Are you happy though?

In your day to day life before him, were you happy?

 

 

Because you only get one life.