Ex messaged merry christmas. breaking NC and greeting him for NYE?

[KatZee]

i am still daydreaming if there is something I could do to let him grow affections for me.. we have been dating exclusively for a very short period time and he already decided i am not the one for him.. he said sweet things all the time and it seems we did click... so many unanswered questions. I should have asked him instead of just keeping to myself...

 

That's why it's called daydreaming. The point of dating is to see if the person is right for you. Unfortunately, after dating you for some time, for whatever reason, he decided that you two were not a good fit.

 

Breakup's are RARELY mutual. So while you think you two had such a great connection, and that you were right together, he didn't feel the same way. And he did the right thing ending it, instead of stringing you along, forcing it, and merely being with you just to make YOU happy.

 

There's nothing to really ask him. When a relationship is the right one, you won't have to go bending yourself into a pretzel trying to be what the other person wants you to be. Don't ask what you did wrong, what you could have done differently, etc. Continue just being yourself, the right person is going to accept all of you and is going to feel that connection.

 

Sometimes ex's do come back if the relationship had been a very serious and long one, but the fact you didn't even date long... he just realized it's not a fit.

 

While I get that you want him to see your life and see that you're happy...you should be doing that for YOURSELF, not putting on a show for him. Everything you do now shouldn't be for him to see, for him to miss, for him to wonder about... he ended it. He's not going to suddenly see something NOW that he didn't see when he was dating you.

 

Delete him, cut the cord, do not respond to any more texts, do not initiate ANY contact with him.

[shakepig]

I'll let you in on a little secret. In these types of break ups, it is always about the dumper, not about the dumpee. You didn't do anything wrong. It's his own shortcomings, not yours.

 

 

wondering what kind of shortcoming? he is young, turning to 21 next month and poor since he is a musician.

 

He told me that he has 4 serious girlfriends before and never cheated and dumped anyone of them (which could be a lie). dumping me was his first time being dumper and it has been the hardest decision he've made for a long time.....

 

I dont know why he told me this.. this was so heartless and cruel..okay, i got it. i am so bad, and you dislike me so much and you have to dump me for good...

[KatZee]

How should i react if i bump into him in future for the first time ? ( it's bound to happen since we live 2 mins away and work in the same area...) what should i do if he waves and says hi?

 

If you can avoid eye contact and act as if you didn't see him and just go about your day, do that.

 

If you do happened to make eye contact, just smile politely, say hi and continue walking. Do not stop. Do not hug or kiss him hello. Do not engage in any sort of conversation.

[chris21422]

Yes improve yourself. Remove him in Facebook. Be busy, new year new life..

 

If you bump in to him be civil and say hi and bye.. Like you needed to go or you need to do something.

 

Don't give him the privilege to know what's going on in your life. He already lose that privileged..

 

it's better if you changed your number too.

 

If he wants you back he will be at your door trust me.. This text/call/holidays greeting are just nothing but self validation..

 

 

I should def listen to you. I need better myself for my own sake.

 

How should i react if i bump into him in future for the first time ? ( it's bound to happen since we live 2 mins away and work in the same area...) what should i do if he waves and says hi?

[shakepig]

It's fine, don't worry about it. Now is the time to start doing the right thing, so set small goals for yourself. Your first goal, is to ingore a message on NYE, and not send one. Then when that's done, make your next goal.

 

Will do that. step by step, i will overcome this and never look back.. i really dont look back. everything is shattered.

[shakepig]

If you can avoid eye contact and act as if you didn't see him and just go about your day, do that.

 

If you do happened to make eye contact, just smile politely, say hi and continue walking. Do not stop. Do not hug or kiss him hello. Do not engage in any sort of conversation.

 

okay. will do that. he has a band performance in a local bar coming up at the beginning of Jan. I've spread the words about the band. me and my friends already got tickets before we spilt. he didnt know about it since i wanted to surprise him.

should i still going? i feel like why on earth i need avoid him and i did nothing wrong. there will be lots of people there. i won't not necessary bump into him.... i dont know

[shakepig]

Yes improve yourself. Remove him in Facebook. Be busy, new year new life..

 

If you bump in to him be civil and say hi and bye.. Like you needed to go or you need to do something.

 

Don't give him the privilege to know what's going on in your life. He already lose that privileged..

 

it's better if you changed your number too.

 

If he wants you back he will be at your door trust me.. This text/call/holidays greeting are just nothing but self validation..

 

it's impossible that he will come back if i am not doing anything... he never said he loves me.. our relationship was in a early stage and he chose to end it. i should let it go.. i cant let him have upper hand on me any longer. i just lost this one.

[chris21422]

You can't do anything to want him come back either..

 

So its better to do nothing and dont expect your are right.. Its time to move on.

 

Don't ever think that you lose here.. Think of it like he's the one who miss out because he let a person like you go.

 

 

it's impossible that he will come back if i am not doing anything... he never said he loves me.. our relationship was in a early stage and he chose to end it. i should let it go.. i cant let him have upper hand on me any longer. i just lost this one.

[shakepig]

You can't do anything to want him come back either..

 

So its better to do nothing and dont expect your are right.. Its time to move on.

 

Don't ever think that you lose here.. Think of it like he's the one who miss out because he let a person like you go.

 

Thanks, Chris.. I am feeling better... even it's temporary.. heartaches are like waves... I want to go through ur threads and know your story:)

[LovelyDaze]

okay. will do that. he has a band performance in a local bar coming up at the beginning of Jan. I've spread the words about the band. me and my friends already got tickets before we spilt. he didnt know about it since i wanted to surprise him.

should i still going? i feel like why on earth i need avoid him and i did nothing wrong. there will be lots of people there. i won't not necessary bump into him.... i dont know

 

shakepig, I've read your thread and thought about you going to see your ex so soon knowing you feel the way you do.

 

Is there a way you can sell or generously give your ticket away? What i would be worried about is if you see your ex perform and he either ignores you, lightly chit-chats then leaves you, and/or talks to another girl in your presence. I don't believe your heart is ready for any of those scenarios at this time.

True, sooner or later you may run into your ex in one of those scenarios anyway but I'd rather you focus on healing yourself with the best fighting chance by staying NC as much as possible.

 

IMO, A Dumpee and Dumper are never ready to be true friends until they are ambivalent. That means they are fine with one another having a gf/bf, wife/husband, etc, basically...a lovelife with someone else.

[shakepig]

shakepig, I've read your thread and thought about you going to see your ex so soon knowing you feel the way you do.

 

Is there a way you can sell or generously give your ticket away? What i would be worried about is if you see your ex perform and he either ignores you, lightly chit-chats then leaves you, and/or talks to another girl in your presence. I don't believe your heart is ready for any of those scenarios at this time.

True, sooner or later you may run into your ex in one of those scenarios anyway but I'd rather you focus on healing yourself with the best fighting chance by staying NC as much as possible.

 

IMO, A Dumpee and Dumper are never ready to be true friends until they are ambivalent. That means they are fine with one another having a gf/bf, wife/husband, etc, basically...a lovelife with someone else.

 

Thanks for reading Sooner or later I would bump into him and it would be awkward for both of us for sure. Why not I take full control of the first meeting after breakup? what I am planning to do is that i will have fun with my friends (there will be serval bands performing) and wont talk to him. if he does see me and say hi, i just say hi back and minimize the convo. I think this is an official closure for me. I liked him deeply, but didnt get a chance to watch the live show and see the real him. if he is with someone else, witnessing that would be

will accelerate my healing i suppose.

 

i dont know if i am making any sense here... if not, talk me out of it.

[Am4Real]

[highlight]TALK YOU OUT OF WHAT?[/highlight]

 

Look, you're posting here because your BF DUMPED you, whether he was into you or not is irrelevant since you are obviously upset with it and posting here. I would classify you as a wounded dumpee.

 

Going to his "gig" whether you meet face-to-face or not is irrelevant to anything but healing!

 

You would be in the same place as he is and will obviously hear his music -- right -- so being the wounded dumpee why would you want to put yourself through that now and further provoke your emotions, memories and whatever else comes from the past? It won't makes things better going there -- nope – it’s guaranteed to make it worse.

 

For crying out loud if he sent you a TEXT on Christmas, a mere 5 days ago, that sent you back to square one, how is knowing he’s at the "gig" playing bass or whatever he is doing any different that the text you received and ANSWERED? IT'S NOT!

 

Read your own words "he never said he loves me... our relationship was in an early stage and he chose to end it. i should let it go.. i cant let him have upper hand on me any longer."

 

He has the upper hand, those are your words.

 

My words are: you're not over him yet, your upset, your broken hearted and you want to heal.

 

Still need to be talked out of it? Really? Come on, you’re smart enough to know the right thing to do here!

[shakepig]

[highlight]TALK YOU OUT OF WHAT?[/highlight]

 

Look, you're posting here because your BF DUMPED you, whether he was into you or not is irrelevant since you are obviously upset with it and posting here. I would classify you as a wounded dumpee.

 

Going to his "gig" whether you meet face-to-face or not is irrelevant to anything but healing!

 

You would be in the same place as he is and will obviously hear his music -- right -- so being the wounded dumpee why would you want to put yourself through that now and further provoke your emotions, memories and whatever else comes from the past? It won't makes things better going there -- nope – it’s guaranteed to make it worse.

 

For crying out loud if he sent you a TEXT on Christmas, a mere 5 days ago, that sent you back to square one, how is knowing he’s at the "gig" playing bass or whatever he is doing any different that the text you received and ANSWERED? IT'S NOT!

 

Read your own words "he never said he loves me... our relationship was in an early stage and he chose to end it. i should let it go.. i cant let him have upper hand on me any longer."

 

He has the upper hand, those are your words.

 

My words are: you're not over him yet, your upset, your broken hearted and you want to heal.

 

Still need to be talked out of it? Really? Come on, you’re smart enough to know the right thing to do here!

 

Yes, I am wounded and heart broken.. still in denial... it's so hard even after he made everything so clear!! i'm still working on it.. i need a new-year resolution and have a fresh start for 2014.

[Emotions]

Go to the gig.....and get hurt again. Wish him a happy New Years....and get hurt again.....that's what you seem to want. My ex texted me Merry Christmas and I responded back then heard nothing else from him...that 1 text set me back and I said to myself "you know what, I will NOT saying happy New Years to him, even if he says it to me first". You need to be ACTIVE in trying to get over this jerk.....stop wanting to put yourself where he will be in order to bump into him. Then if u do go and he sees you and doesn't acknowledge you, you will be upset. If anything he may even become annoyed by you being there.

 

You're probably young, but like I said to someone else, if there is anything I learned, these men seem to either miss you more when you ignore them and go cold turkey and they come back or it's their loss.....just ignore him! Dang even delete him from Facebook! Stop giving this jerk the opportunity to know what's going on in your life.

 

I know how you feel...heart broken and devastated bc I too feel this way, but dag on it it's about to be a new year and changes need to be made!

[shakepig]

Go to the gig.....and get hurt again. Wish him a happy New Years....and get hurt again.....that's what you seem to want. My ex texted me Merry Christmas and I responded back then heard nothing else from him...that 1 text set me back and I said to myself "you know what, I will NOT saying happy New Years to him, even if he says it to me first". You need to be ACTIVE in trying to get over this jerk.....stop wanting to put yourself where he will be in order to bump into him. Then if u do go and he sees you and doesn't acknowledge you, you will be upset. If anything he may even become annoyed by you being there.

 

You're probably young, but like I said to someone else, if there is anything I learned, these men seem to either miss you more when you ignore them and go cold turkey and they come back or it's their loss.....just ignore him! Dang even delete him from Facebook! Stop giving this jerk the opportunity to know what's going on in your life.

 

I know how you feel...heart broken and devastated bc I too feel this way, but dag on it it's about to be a new year and changes need to be made!

 

not that young anymore. I am actually 4 years older than him and still sorta get played, which upsets me most. I was like a teenager when I was with him, got all emotional.

 

We slept together on our second date. I think that's one of the causes that he never really opened up to me. Men like chase. I've always been joking with him that we really had a bad beginning and we might not work out. It turns out I was right.

 

I do want to go the gig since I never saw that side of him before. if I am saying i am not holding any false hope, i am fooling myself. Sigh.

 

i am so looking forward to 2014. hope my sad memories in 2013 could be erased..

[Emotions]

4 years......understandable....bc I'm 7 years older than my ex....don't know how I let a little boy play me.....but it doesn't matter bc your ex and my ex are exactly that- LITTLE 21 and 22 year old BOYS!

 

But go to the gig, then come back to the board and tell us how you are such an emotional wreck........you're doing nothing but maintaining contact.

 

You said u never saw that side of him before (I'm guessing him playing in the band).....well why do u want to see it!!!!???

 

Also, being that he's 21, he will probably contact you again but only for sex....then you will sleep with him and be back to square 1 when he doesn't call you the next day

 

Be smarter and just go cold turkey!!! You probably don't want to bc you don't want him to forget about you.......but you must! If he really cared he won't forget you....set a goal "I will go 2 months with complete NC"

 

Deactivate your Facebook

 

I'm sorry if I'm being harsh but you are setting yourself up for failure by going to this gig and remaining on Facebook

[Emotions]

Another thing:

 

"i am so looking forward to 2014. hope my sad memories in 2013 could be erased.."

 

Your sad memories are gonna follow you if you don't delete him from Facebook and if you go to this gig....

 

And why do I have a feeling if he doesn't contact you on NYE, you will contact him? You already got burned on Christmas....why get a 2nd degree burn this time??

 

Be PROACTIVE....no one on these boards can help you if you don't TRY to help yourself (deleting Facebook and tearing up the gig tickets)

[shakepig]

4 years......understandable....bc I'm 7 years older than my ex....don't know how I let a little boy play me.....but it doesn't matter bc your ex and my ex are exactly that- LITTLE 21 and 22 year old BOYS!

 

But go to the gig, then come back to the board and tell us how you are such an emotional wreck........you're doing nothing but maintaining contact.

 

You said u never saw that side of him before (I'm guessing him playing in the band).....well why do u want to see it!!!!???

 

Also, being that he's 21, he will probably contact you again but only for sex....then you will sleep with him and be back to square 1 when he doesn't call you the next day

 

Be smarter and just go cold turkey!!! You probably don't want to bc you don't want him to forget about you.......but you must! If he really cared he won't forget you....set a goal "I will go 2 months with complete NC"

 

Deactivate your Facebook

 

I'm sorry if I'm being harsh but you are setting yourself up for failure by going to this gig and remaining on Facebook

 

i will never sleep with him unless we are in a exclusive relationship once again. I would not be dumb enough to be a doormat or booty-call. If he really comes back only for sex, i would say f**k off and i liked the wrong guy and have no respect left for him.

 

I unfollowed him on Facebook. so i wont see any of his newsfeed now. is that enough? or I just unfriend and block him once for all?

[shakepig]

Another thing:

 

"i am so looking forward to 2014. hope my sad memories in 2013 could be erased.."

 

Your sad memories are gonna follow you if you don't delete him from Facebook and if you go to this gig....

 

And why do I have a feeling if he doesn't contact you on NYE, you will contact him? You already got burned on Christmas....why get a 2nd degree burn this time??

 

Be PROACTIVE....no one on these boards can help you if you don't TRY to help yourself (deleting Facebook and tearing up the gig tickets)

 

I will def not reach out first on NYE. And i can def control my darn thumb not to response as well in case that he texts first. I'm trying really hard believe me. I need get my feeling all out first, i have been holding too hard to myself.

 

At the end of the breaking up, I was devastated inside, he even wanted a hug or handshake like a friend to say goodbye.. WTF... did I look that strong and normal...?

[shakepig]

I dont have anyone to turn to sort feelings out. I do have friends care about me dearly. Last time(like 10 days ago) I broke down in front of one of them, she comforted and even cried with me. I cant bother them anymore since it's holiday season. They should enjoy their own holidays, i don't want to be the negative energy surrounding them. It's so hard.

[headinthecloud]

I dont have anyone to turn to sort feelings out. I do have friends care about me dearly. Last time(like 10 days ago) I broke down in front of one of them, she comforted and even cried with me. I cant bother them anymore since it's holiday season. They should enjoy their own holidays, i don't want to be the negative energy surrounding them. It's so hard.

 

Only you can sort out your feelings. Your friends will do their best to support you but BUs are hard on them too because they don't want you to be in pain. Fake/selfish friends will only tolerate so much before they dump you too so learn to cope with your emotions on your own. Therapy can help so try speaking with a doctor.

 

You need to force yourself to move on, even though you don't want to. Read threads on here and find what works for you. Unfortunately, your ex has already moved on....I would strongly urge you to do the same. "bumping into him" or texting him will only push him further away anyway, let alone set you back.

[beach]

Go to the gig - have fun!

 

If he's there just act like he's invisible. Focus on people who do value you.

 

Seek help to find out why you invested so deeply when the R was very new. Ask for help with reasonable expectations for new relationships.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

I dont have anyone to turn to sort feelings out. I do have friends care about me dearly. Last time(like 10 days ago) I broke down in front of one of them, she comforted and even cried with me. I cant bother them anymore since it's holiday season. They should enjoy their own holidays, i don't want to be the negative energy surrounding them. It's so hard.

 

You're a very nice friend! I probably would have hounded mine if I were you haha

 

Look dear (and I NEVER call anyone dear, but I do feel for you) I understand what its like to go what you are going through. I think a large majority of people on here know EXACTLY where you are on this. Its such a tough road and some of us (usually the ones who have been here the longest) know what its like at the end of the tunnel.

 

Everything DOES get better. I promise you that. Just as sure as the sun rises and sets. Its so hard to see this now because of the haze of self doubt, sadness, pity, despair, loneliness, and everything else. That is so cliche to hear because everyone tells you that, but its so true. You have to WANT to get better though. You have to WANT to stop feeling so bad for yourself and want to feel better. Until you actually accept that, it will continue to go bad.

 

If you want my honest opinion, after MY experiences (and helping/hearing thousands on here), my best advice is to not go to the concert. I think the wounds are still REALLY fresh. You will not enjoy yourself at ALL because you will be thinking of the ex the whole time. What happens if he starts talking to a girl? Even hugging her? How would you feel? TRUST ME, you dont want that.

 

You have to be strong here shake. I dont know you from Adam, but I do know you can do it. We all can.

[shakepig]

Go to the gig - have fun!

 

If he's there just act like he's invisible. Focus on people who do value you.

 

Seek help to find out why you invested so deeply when the R was very new. Ask for help with reasonable expectations for new relationships.

 

That's what i was planning to do. I have been trying to dig into my brain to find out the cause of pain i am experiencing right now. most of it, is that I got dumped feeling worthless and I would be together with him any more. He will look at, smile at, hold, kiss, make love to another girl like he did with me...maybe even more passionate. it's killing me right now...

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

That's what i was planning to do. I have been trying to dig into my brain to find out the cause of pain i am experiencing right now. most of it, is that I got dumped feeling worthless and I would be together with him any more. He will look at, smile at, hold, kiss, make love to another girl like he did with me...maybe even more passionate. it's killing me right now...

 

Yeah....and you might see him kiss or get intimate with another girl at the concert. Could you handle seeing that?

 

Also, If I wereny your ex and I happened to see you at my event, I'd think it would be weird and you were stalking me.