Ending on good terms and going NC

[OWAmy]

Hi girls and guys,

 

It's my first post on here.

 

I've been in an affair with a married man for 3yrs. Initially when it began U was seeing someone who is been with for 10yrs. That fizzled out a couple of months thereafter so I believe this originally started as an exit affair for me - the MM was a catalyst.

 

My relationship is long distance - I saw him once a month when i traveled to his town for work up until last year when i saw him sporadically. Please don't judge my unusual situation guys. From March I am moving closer to him, but still a couple of hours away. This is purely for financial and work reasons.

 

We tend to communicate via email throughout the week, but not excessively ... sometimes I just can't be bothered replying.

 

We have never made plans for the future. I never see myself being with him, I envy his wife for having him, but honestly I don't wish I'll on them. They have been together twenty years and only a couple of times has he spoken ill of her.

 

He never says he will leave, but every now and then will drop something in his emails that sets my heart racing ... these are cleverly worded and not promises, but open to misinterpret by me yet at the same time non-committal.

 

Two days ago I think I had an epiphany/breakthrough ... I don't like living in fantasy land, I want to live in the real world. I don't think he's a bad guy and neither do I think I'm bad. I think out lives intertwined when we were both going through a transitional period and we sought comfort in one another. If I wrote him an email and said as much he would respect me enough to leave me alone forever despite how much he would likely miss contact with me. I am beginning to think that I should do this for the good of both of us, but I find it hard to get started. Oh my word, I am so confused. They say nothing good can ever come of an affair, but now I have figured out where my issues stem from I feel ready to move across to therapy. I can't help his internal demons but feel that me ending it on good terms is the kindest thing for both of us. I genuinely don't wish him or his wife any ill will and think that he will be grateful for me doing this. Please can you comment.

Edited June 21, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
poster request ~T

[Lessons]

Hi, Amy,

 

Welcome to the forum. I think you will find a lot of understanding folks here.

 

Walking away while you are still in love and on good terms with OM is VERY hard because it is so unnatural . . . in normal relationships, we don't walk away from people we care about when things are going well - we move on when we grow apart, realize that we are too different, or just lose interest in maintaining the relationship. Ending an affair is nothing like that - and I'm guessing there are dozens of people on this board who would probably agree with me.

 

After two years together, I tried to end my affair by going NC. We planned it, talked about how hard it would be, set the date, had a perfect "swan song" last day together - and then did it. We both believed it was for the best (we are both married). I blocked him from text, phone, and email contact and deactivated my Facebook. I did everything I could to forget about him and move on with my life (and marriage). I rode the most exhausting and painful roller coaster of emotions - and finally began to heal. Each day I had longer and longer periods during which he wouldn't even cross my mind . . . and I was crying less and less as the weeks went by. I was finally getting over him!

 

And then I wasn't. After two months apart, I just fell apart at work one day thinking about MOM. I reached out to him via text and told him I missed him. Right now we are just texting/talking a bit - nothing like before. I'm hoping we can just be friends . . . I'm not even interested in resuming the affair. Not sure how he feels; we agreed to take it one day at a time.

 

So . . . I totally get where you are right now. You might be more successful at ending your affair than I was because you are long distance, but I can tell you it will be very difficult to move on unless you have an airtight plan in place. . . set up your support system, arrange fun activities to fill your waking hours, block him from being able to contact you, and then hang on tight when the roller coaster begins. You will find a lot of support here from LS members representing all sides of the affair triangle - because there is pain no matter which role you play, and many will generously share what they have learned from their experience. Gather your strength and trust your instincts - you know it is time to move on. You deserve a man who will put you first, but in order to find him, you have to let this one go.

 

I wish you all the best.

[Nothisgirl]

Hi, Amy,

 

Welcome to the forum. I think you will find a lot of understanding folks here.

 

Walking away while you are still in love and on good terms with OM is VERY hard because it is so unnatural . . . in normal relationships, we don't walk away from people we care about when things are going well - we move on when we grow apart, realize that we are too different, or just lose interest in maintaining the relationship. Ending an affair is nothing like that - and I'm guessing there are dozens of people on this board who would probably agree with me.

 

After two years together, I tried to end my affair by going NC. We planned it, talked about how hard it would be, set the date, had a perfect "swan song" last day together - and then did it. We both believed it was for the best (we are both married). I blocked him from text, phone, and email contact and deactivated my Facebook. I did everything I could to forget about him and move on with my life (and marriage). I rode the most exhausting and painful roller coaster of emotions - and finally began to heal. Each day I had longer and longer periods during which he wouldn't even cross my mind . . . and I was crying less and less as the weeks went by. I was finally getting over him!

 

And then I wasn't. After two months apart, I just fell apart at work one day thinking about MOM. I reached out to him via text and told him I missed him. Right now we are just texting/talking a bit - nothing like before. I'm hoping we can just be friends . . . I'm not even interested in resuming the affair. Not sure how he feels; we agreed to take it one day at a time.

 

So . . . I totally get where you are right now. You might be more successful at ending your affair than I was because you are long distance, but I can tell you it will be very difficult to move on unless you have an airtight plan in place. . . set up your support system, arrange fun activities to fill your waking hours, block him from being able to contact you, and then hang on tight when the roller coaster begins. You will find a lot of support here from LS members representing all sides of the affair triangle - because there is pain no matter which role you play, and many will generously share what they have learned from their experience. Gather your strength and trust your instincts - you know it is time to move on. You deserve a man who will put you first, but in order to find him, you have to let this one go.

 

I wish you all the best.

 

Welcome amy,

 

The bolded in lesson's post really speaks to me..and what I've also had the hardest time with...I don't have much to add...I think lesson has covered everything but wanted to say that I hope you will find the support here that you need..also I think counselling is a great idea.

 

And, congratulations on your baby!!!! No judgement here

[Popsicle]

I ended mine without any announcement. I am just fading to black. Well I did complain some while we were together so it's not like he doesn't know I have a problem with things.

 

Lots of MM just like to fantasize online. This is safe for them. If you're tired of this just tell him it's been nice but you want a real life now.

Edited December 30, 2013 by Popsicle

[curiousGeorge2]

I tried to end mine before but didn't succeed because the pain was too big and I missed her every minute (I used to get very upset on Sunday afternoons because I missed her so much over the weekends).

 

It may take iron will to end it or something very big happens that will force your hands.

[vanellope]

it's hard.

 

but finally you will need to walk away, believe me, when that time happened you will feel you waste too much time in your life.

 

story 1: (60%)

the affair be found out by the wife and give MM presure to break up with you, MM end it with you becasue he find out family is important than you.

 

story 2: (30%)

the affair be found out, but MM is not going to break up with you, however he is not going to divorce too, and time after time their kids grow up and you grow old yourself, many years later, you break up with MM and you are alone.

 

story 3: (10%)

one day MM telling you he want to be good man, so he break up with you by himself.

[OWAmy]

Hello,

 

I'm resurrecting an old post to give you a heads up.

 

Thank you so, so much for your replies. So many wonderful people LS wish I could give you all a cyber hug.

 

It took me six months from posting to finally initiate no contact.

 

I am experiencing doubts on Day14 of No Contact and need to hear other people's thoughts.

 

I ended it by email abruptly ... I pretty much said very little and kept it brief, but now I wish I had said more. Not to lure him back in, but so we could part on good terms. We were equal partners in crime. He taught me acceptance of myself. I think possible this affair was life changing for the both of us. We will not be together ever, I know that, but we helped each other in transient periods of our lives. I cannot leave on a bad note. The affair will not be resumed, it is like a final goodbye.

 

Please, your thoughts?

Edited June 23, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[OWAmy]

Sorry, I failed to say I wanted to send a longer email, just really to say that I am moving on, but that I do not regret having known him.

 

What am I trying to achieve by sending this? Peace of mind. I won't resurrect the affair. I want a valid and authentic relationship. I do think I love him deeply as I want him to happy in life away from me,

 

I sound odd, don't I?! But seriously we didn't have a run of the mill affair,

[sisa]

I also in NC now.

 

my thought is write this mail to him maybe after one year NC, becasue at that time we will more clear about everything.

and maybe at that moment you will think write this mail or not is not important anymore.

 

If after one year, your feelings toward him still same as now, then you can tell him you are moving on and no regreat ... etc. Two weeks NC still raw and some of your feelings maybe not true. what I mean is you say you don't regret, but maybe one year later your will feel regret that you spend lots of time invest in this fantasy relationship.

[Criedallout]

I also in NC now.

 

my thought is write this mail to him maybe after one year NC, becasue at that time we will more clear about everything.

and maybe at that moment you will think write this mail or not is not important anymore.

 

If after one year, your feelings toward him still same as now, then you can tell him you are moving on and no regreat ... etc. Two weeks NC still raw and some of your feelings maybe not true. what I mean is you say you don't regret, but maybe one year later your will feel regret that you spend lots of time invest in this fantasy relationship.

 

Listen to this...I actually had an email exchange last night with my ExMM...I sent a long winded what I thought...he replied and it was in a rather manipulating manner..he never thought badly of me, wishes me well etc. So I guess I received a bit of closure but you know I see him now as even more of a coward.

 

Leave it be...he knows where you are, how to contact you if he wants. Take the memories and leave it at that. Friendships don't work...

[daisydook]

Sorry, I failed to say I wanted to send a longer email, just really to say that I am moving on, but that I do not regret having known him.

 

What am I trying to achieve by sending this? Peace of mind. I won't resurrect the affair. I want a valid and authentic relationship. I do think I love him deeply as I want him to happy in life away from me,

 

I sound odd, don't I?! But seriously we didn't have a run of the mill affair,

 

 

 

Has he even responded once? Your short email covered it. If he knows you at all, he knows you most likely have cut things off because you want a different life than the one you have been living, and need to give yourself that. No hard feelings. No hate. No negative thoughts. Just moving on. If there was no reason for him to think of you negatively, or vice versa, there is nothing to clear up. He knew this charade wouldn't last forever, as well.

 

 

If you have had no contact with him, I would assume it is blatantly obvious and very clear to him you want to stop this. His behaviour shows it at well. If he disagreed with any of what you said in your short email, he would have told you about it. I'm positive. If he read it and has ignored you and gone NC since, like you said you would and maybe asked of him, just keep things that way. It doesn't sound to me like he responded to you at all and has also been in NC with you for 14 days.

 

 

This IS no contact. I know it absolutely blows goats! Hugs! I know it sucks and we second guess things. You don't need to explain anymore. You explained just fine. Remember WHY you're doing it. Emotionally, you feel you can add more, you can save face, save feelings from being too hurt, whatever it is you are trying to accomplish by "explaining more." Logically, it will do nothing, and you will be right back at day 1 again, thinking, "****! I could have said more! Why didn't I make that part more clear???"

 

 

You will always have more to say because affairyland is unfinishedbusinessyland.

 

 

Stay NC and come here and write to us when you want to contact him. Please. For your sake! Hugs! Stay strong. You got this!

[OWAmy]

Once again thanks everyone for taking the time to post replies. Means a lot and I do pay attention to everyone's contributions.

 

Yes, there is no point in making further contact. In the email initiating no contact I did say I could say a lot more, but then I didn't think it would make either of us feel any better.

 

So true daisydook - if I did write there would always be something that I would feel I missed or could have said differently.

 

I feel strong at the moment. My life is good as I never put it on hold for him and tbh I never thought we would end up together. The hardest part that puzzled me was why I was in the affair in the first place. All makes sense to me now - visited a psychotherapist for several months and managed to unscramble some of the confusion. Once I figured that out, I was fast approaching the exit.

 

@criedallout Thank you. Yes I do regret the length of time. Fantasising is something I have done my whole life, but that aspects ends now. I try living in the present. The past is gone, the future is unknown and all I have is the here and now. I learnt a very hard lesson not just about having an affair, but the importance of boundaries, how affairs are not worth pursuing, that unavailable men (in any form) are not worth the trouble. I am quite excited about getting back on the dating scene when I feel ready.

[OWAmy]

Dropping in again to update. I'm approaching day 100 of No Contact.

 

Looking back now I think I ended it in the best possible way and glad there has been no attempts at contact on either side.

 

I spent a lot of time on here in the few weeks past no contact, but now there is not that sense of urgency as my life moves on. I'm over the affair and it feels a long way behind me now. I never went through the phase of hating him because for me love and hate are too close emotion wise. I always strived for indifference towards him and I think I'm there now!

 

Today I googled him for the first time since and took a look at his picture. There is nothing there. I look back on our meetings and it's like it was another me. In some strange way, I feel the affair has helped me to find the real me.

[DKT3]

Good for you.

 

I have a question about the original relationship. Sometime its really an exist affair and sometimes is a gig thing. How do you feel about the guy you left behind now? Did you have at any point a rush of emotions about him or that relationship? I ask because I guessing that as it ended your emotional focus was on MM.

[OWAmy]

I am good friends with the guy that was left behind. But, the relationship had run its course and we both felt that way. In hindsight I feel that I could have worked on the relationship to make it better, but I grew up in a household where I never witnessed a raised voice or an argument between my parents so I am lacking in the skills to work on things when conflict arises in my romantic relationships...that is foreign territory to me.

 

The original relationship ending was a good thing. Having the affair definitely took my mind off the relationship and there were no tears or sadness as you are correct that my emotional focus was on the MM.

 

I do regret the affair, but I don't mourn it. Any day in NC is better than any day in the affair 8-)

[OWAmy]

Another update.

 

Approaching Day 130ish of NC was doing absolutely fine until xMM contacted me a few days ago by text. It was on a new number - I have a business website so my contact details can't change unfortunately.

 

I feel angry now, like I am back at Day 1. I have not replied and have blocked the new number so that I have only the one text to deal with.

 

We live a long way from each other so I won't be enticed into meeting and also because my thoughts have not changed - life is better out of the affair and I'm not going back.

 

BUT - I have to deal with the text. There's no point me deleting it like it never existed. I will end up tackling it by email. I know I don't owe him no explanation other than the one I gave him, but feel that if I bullet point all the negatives about being with him then there will never be any come back. You know email and then block him again. Wish I'd gone back earlier now and elaborated all those months ago to kill off the affair once and for all

 

So anyone about to send that NC email take heed. It may be best for you to get it all off your chest in your final email.

[Poppy47]

Please don't deal with the text in any way.

 

You will be engaging in dialogue with him, which is what he is seeking.

 

None of it matters any more. What he thinks or doesn't think is irrelevant.

Your silence will say everything he needs to know.

 

If you remain silent, there's nothing he can do. It effectively cuts off communication and contact, which are the life blood of affairs.

 

I am about the same time NC as you are. This is the 3rd round of NC that I have had in 6 years. This time I went to counselling and had a lot of support . It has given me the resolve never to go back to the life that was a living hell.

Poppy.

[whichwayisup]

Another update.

 

Approaching Day 130ish of NC was doing absolutely fine until xMM contacted me a few days ago by text. It was on a new number - I have a business website so my contact details can't change unfortunately.

 

I feel angry now, like I am back at Day 1. I have not replied and have blocked the new number so that I have only the one text to deal with.

 

We live a long way from each other so I won't be enticed into meeting and also because my thoughts have not changed - life is better out of the affair and I'm not going back.

 

BUT - I have to deal with the text. There's no point me deleting it like it never existed. I will end up tackling it by email. I know I don't owe him no explanation other than the one I gave him, but feel that if I bullet point all the negatives about being with him then there will never be any come back. You know email and then block him again. Wish I'd gone back earlier now and elaborated all those months ago to kill off the affair once and for all

 

So anyone about to send that NC email take heed. It may be best for you to get it all off your chest in your final email.

 

You didn't break contact, he did. You do NOT have to deal with the text, you are NOT obligated to him so do NOT write him back! Delete it and forget about it, continue with your life. if you reply you're opening the door for drama and it's pointless since you've been in NC for so long, don't do anything.

 

Silence says so much more than words at this point.

[jellybean89]

I agree - don't respond. By responding, you are doing exactly what he wanted - engaging with him.

[FusionCutter]

What did the text say?

[OWAmy]

I'm very sorry for breaking your rule. I will not do it again. I am sad that I have not been able to reply to you. And there is much that I would have loved to have said. I am okay. I do miss you enormously. Far more than I imagined possible. You will always be special to me. I love you so much. Always know that. I will be good and not message again as you wish but I do this with great sadness. I shall invite you to lunch in February. I understand completely that you do not want a relationship with me - but it would be so wonderful to see you one more time.

 

Above is what he sent. Please know that I do see this for what it is. Yawn.

 

I have not replied. Not as angry as I was yesterday. I would never have contacted him again...ever that is why it has upset me so much. I thought more of him for not contacting me.

[FusionCutter]

It's best if you don't respond. Don't throw away 6 months of recovery.

[Poppy47]

He is trying to keep you dangling. A fall back plan perhaps?

 

Lunch in February???

 

Just another hook for you to bite on. I am so pleased you haven't and you won't

Cheers,

Poppy

[hello234]

I'm very sorry for breaking your rule. I will not do it again. I am sad that I have not been able to reply to you. And there is much that I would have loved to have said. I am okay. I do miss you enormously. Far more than I imagined possible. You will always be special to me. I love you so much. Always know that. I will be good and not message again as you wish but I do this with great sadness. I shall invite you to lunch in February. I understand completely that you do not want a relationship with me - but it would be so wonderful to see you one more time.

 

Above is what he sent. Please know that I do see this for what it is. Yawn.

 

I have not replied. Not as angry as I was yesterday. I would never have contacted him again...ever that is why it has upset me so much. I thought more of him for not contacting me.

 

 

_ OMG.. MY MM talks the same way..... its like a manipulative sort of way, aint it? Don't fall for it..you will be back in his clutches and even worse, u will feel more irritated and upset with urself for going back and having to start NC all over again-- Have some pride and dignity and make urself look good and ignore him.

[meandmycats]

I'm very sorry for breaking your rule. I will not do it again. I am sad that I have not been able to reply to you. And there is much that I would have loved to have said. I am okay. I do miss you enormously. Far more than I imagined possible. You will always be special to me. I love you so much. Always know that. I will be good and not message again as you wish but I do this with great sadness. I shall invite you to lunch in February. I understand completely that you do not want a relationship with me - but it would be so wonderful to see you one more time.

 

Above is what he sent. Please know that I do see this for what it is. Yawn.

 

I have not replied. Not as angry as I was yesterday. I would never have contacted him again...ever that is why it has upset me so much. I thought more of him for not contacting me.

 

 

You were shrewd in not giving into your impulse to reply OWAmy, and it displays a greater sense of self respect. There were an awful lot of *I*'s in his message to you which I'm sure were enough to convince you he's full of ........oh that'll be, HIMSELF...