Ending on good terms and going NC

[OWAmy]

Thank you ladies.

 

A couple more days on and I don't feel like replying at all. Anger has lifted and I just carry on as normal without him. I would never have gone back to him physically just wanted to say a few things I'd never gotten around to saying. Plus I don't want him contacting me again in Feb.

 

I posted his dialogue so that others in a similar position see that their situation is not unique...the things they spout are sadly all too similar!

 

Again thanks

[gettingstronger]

Amy- have you considered a journal here on LS documenting your experience- you seem to have lots of wisdom that could be very useful to many-it breaks my heart the desperation in some of the posts I read, people looking for a light at the end of the tunnel-you seem to have found it, or can at least see it-

[OWAmy]

10 months on after the affair ended. The affair is still over.

 

From Nov to Mar I casually chatted with him via email. No affair talk - just general stuff and agreed to meet with him if he stuck to that.

 

So we met. And all was pleasant - talked of his future business plans, my plans, discussed children and then I got sad. And I just had to start talking about why I sent the no contact email, the therapy I had to get me out of the affair, etc, etc...He was shocked - it was liberating in a way to tell him exactly how I felt and how hard it was to extract myself from it because we never really discussed the affair (yeah I know - crazy!!!!)

 

After that meeting I sent a couple of long emails and asked him not to respond until I'd said everything I had to say. Well, no stone was left unturned. I told him that he should let me go. That I want more for myself than to be embroiled in this affair, etc...

 

Now he has responded that he and his wife have begun discussing their lack of intimacy and are in serious talks about their marriage. I would like to add me and him never discussed his marriage, him leaving, spoke ill of his wife. Going on about how he is pulled in lots of directions - they have older children but still teenagers, can't think straight, won't disrespect his family whatever choice he makes whether he should stay or leave. He says his marriage is totally separate and he will not be swayed by any alternatives which may (or may) not exist. I have left him to it. I suggested we have zero contact for a month and he has taken me up on it.

 

I genuinely think he's reached crisis point - the place I was 18 months ago when I originally posted on Loveshack. And I'm quite upset that he's seemingly dragged me back into communicating with him. Has asked me to 'remain open to possibility'. Funny because I have never been open to possibility.

 

Sad but I now sort of think that for me at least this will totally kill it off once and for all. No more questions of what might have been. I will never resume the affair I've made that clear and I'm resolute on that point. We also both know and said that we can never be friends either. But in my mind's eye I could not see us ever been together. For me there has been too much sadness that I hid from him.

 

Reader I think that all that is happening now is fate. He is back in my life so that I have to experience him choosing to stay. Like he needs me in there as a comparison as what is out there if he was to leave, but how am I going to compare to his wife of twenty years, the woman he describes as amazing, the children he loves. Feel so sad. I think this is how it all ends for me. It's like a higher force has now decided that I am to experience 'great loss' because the no contact was bypassing pain.

 

Looking back over this thread I have now come to the conclusion that I should have gone back and added to the 'No Contact' email I sent. If I had done that I don't think I would be going through this now it would have been done 10 months ago aghh!

[OWAmy]

Betrayal

 

Also need to add this. In November I experienced an horrific betrayal at the hands of someone who worked for me. This has pretty much been my focus since as I have battled to recover from it. Before this happened I had not experienced anything quite so bad. Basically this person plotted behind my back to destroy me financially for her own gain. This has affected me badly. The affair pales in comparison. Often I heard on Loveshack replies from betrayed wives and I couldn't quite get why they were so angry. Believe me - I NOW understand the pain of betrayal. This could well be something that takes me years to get over.

[whichwayisup]

Whatever it is/was that happened and you feel betrayed, use that to make you get over him and not look back. Your A is over and he shouldn't be saying let's talk in a month. I do not believe for one minute that he is planning on separating or divorcing his wife any time soon. No way. If anything he wants to keep the door open a crack in hopes the A will continue and pick up where it left off. Screw that!! Grieve the loss, heal well and focus on your future.

 

The person who betrayed you, don't let that ruin you. Go to counseling to help you work through it in a healthy way. In the past 2 months 3 friends of mine have fallen ill and 2 diagnosed with cancer and one with lyme disease. Life is way too short to hang onto bitterness, to hold grudges and stay angry. Having anger in your heart keeps you from living and being happy.

[OWAmy]

The difficulty with my former affair situation was that it was not filled with lies or promises to leave. I think it was much worse than affairs that are - there was a total avoidance on both our parts of actually acknowledging we were having an affair and I think that aspect caused me a lot of damage because I screamed at myself for 4yrs 'why the hell am I involved in this'. I don't know maybe I have a strong masochistic urge to cause myself immense emotionl turmoil. It would appear that way.

 

MM I do not believe would lie to me now and it has hard for me to convey this on the board - the emails are not nice. We both acknowledge the affair is over and we can't be friends either because yet again a clandestine arrangement.

 

I think what I really need is for him to let me go because if he says he's staying I think that whatever spell he has over me will disappear.

 

I would not get back into the affair - I know I have the upper hand by refusing that, if that should be his motive. That is about all I do have.

 

 

As for the other betrayal - yes I can see therapy as being hugely beneficial. I don't want to continue the anger it is so draining. It was odd, I felt numb after I sent the no contact email probably because I'd been on anti depressants in readiness and I shed no tears for 5 months over anything. When the betrayal happened the pain was so great it cut through that numbness and I cried buckets. I quit taken them after that.

[movingon45]

I ended mine without any announcement. I am just fading to black. Well I did complain some while we were together so it's not like he doesn't know I have a problem with things.

 

Lots of MM just like to fantasize online. This is safe for them. If you're tired of this just tell him it's been nice but you want a real life now.

 

Yup! That's my ExMM and I feel used. Good riddance.

[Popsicle]

If he's staying in his marriage and won't betray his wife, then what is the point of wanting to hold onto you, even in LC? He acts like my MM in this regard, which was very confusing to me because it's not like we started out as good friends like other people in A's and would lose a friendship. We aren't friends, but maybe he wants one? I'm not interested in being friends with him though.

[devastated777]

Thanks for sharing that story. I pretty much hung on every word because I am in a very similar situation and I have been thinking about ending mine as well. But I always say, just one more time.

 

 

thanks again for sharing and your strength and courage is very admirable .

 

 

Best of luck to you!

[OWAmy]

If he's staying in his marriage and won't betray his wife, then what is the point of wanting to hold onto you, even in LC? He acts like my MM in this regard, which was very confusing to me because it's not like we started out as good friends like other people in A's and would lose a friendship. We aren't friends, but maybe he wants one? I'm not interested in being friends with him though.

 

No my XMM is saying him and his wife are having serious talks now. This was all after several emails from me telling him and reiterating that I won't be in an affair with him again. Told him the truth - there were no positives for me in the affair and I look back on it as a waste of my time but I could see that there were positives for him. And then we both agreed that we can't be friends either.

 

Seriously I think he contacted me again because he is having to address issues in his marriage that maybe he conveniently forgot about whilst I was around and needs some sort of crutch whilst he goes through it or a back up plan. It's fine with me if he comes back and says he's staying at least then I can say okay right it's no contact from now on. I don't anticipate any other response it even scares me because do you know what - I don't want to be with him 8-))

 

Me and my xMM are as bad as each other. I've fantasised as much as he has. I have no reason to believe he has ever lied to me - I've heard good and bad from him over the years. I think he wants an ending this time which is not painful to him. So long as he knows there will be no final meet I am prepared to give him that.

[GirlStillStrong]

I'm very sorry for breaking your rule. I will not do it again. I am sad that I have not been able to reply to you. And there is much that I would have loved to have said. I am okay. I do miss you enormously. Far more than I imagined possible. You will always be special to me. I love you so much. Always know that. I will be good and not message again as you wish but I do this with great sadness. I shall invite you to lunch in February. I understand completely that you do not want a relationship with me - but it would be so wonderful to see you one more time.

 

Above is what he sent. Please know that I do see this for what it is. Yawn.

 

I have not replied. Not as angry as I was yesterday. I would never have contacted him again...ever that is why it has upset me so much. I thought more of him for not contacting me.

How is it that they all seem to say the same exact things?? It's like a broken record.

[Gargoyle]

I think what I really need is for him to let me go because if he says he's staying I think that whatever spell he has over me will disappear.

 

No Amy.

 

What you really need to do is take control and let him go yourself. By waiting for him to 'let you go' you are giving him the power. Take your power back and make a stand. You are stronger than you think.

[OWAmy]

No Amy.

 

What you really need to do is take control and let him go yourself. By waiting for him to 'let you go' you are giving him the power. Take your power back and make a stand. You are stronger than you think.

 

Nah - this is the best way for me. I hear what you are saying and would offer up that advice myself and I think in a lot of situations what you say is the best way for OWs to get out. But in my case, a lot different as I purposefully avoided discussing with him the implications the affair had on my life, what my anticipated outcome was etc... and me opening up to him has freed me in a way. I've said it all now...forced myself to be vulnerable and I'm pleased about that. It's nearly 5 years since I met him and the affair has been a huge learning curve for my own development and understanding myself. I won't go back there, no chance - I have a son and me and him deserve a good guy in our lives. I keep that at the forefront of my mind. It was his birth that was a catalyst for change in me. My xMM knows he has to set me free, I have forced his hand. I know he is not a bad guy he will do that for me. I have asked him as much, told him to think of my son.

[OWAmy]

How is it that they all seem to say the same exact things?? It's like a broken record.

 

I think the whole affair situation is a broken record. They all seem to say the same thing and so do we!

[OWAmy]

21 days in of the mutually agreed 30 days of NC and feel really different now!!

 

For about two weeks I felt deflated no zest for life so to take my mind off the dread of his 30 day update I joined two dating sites. I've done this in the past but never properly as my heart wasn't in it. I wrote a really honest profile about what I'm looking for - being in the affair has given me a really good idea as to what I want from a relationship for the benefit of both - all those things I was starved off whilst I was in it.

 

Have met up with two great guys; although one has particularly taken my liking - it's date 3 with him on Monday 8-) Meeting him, even if romance doesn't blossom has given me something back that I lost amidst the affair - hope, good things to look forward to. And I think if nothing comes of it how easy was it to see someone online, exchange a few messages and arrange to meet? That spark that I had initially with MM, well I have it with him, maybe even more so.

 

Curious as to what MM will say next week. Can't help it, it's the way I am. But if I wasn't certain before I am now. There is no way contact can continue. I don't want him in the background dropping me the odd email. I don't really care if he stays, leaves or tries to have both of us again because I don't want him any more. That spell I talked earlier of been broken somehow broke itself without me even realising at some point in the last two weeks!

 

I've tired of him. I just remember and sum up are whole affair with two incidents. In 2012 I cried and he gave me 5 minutes of his time before he had to rush off to work leaving me upset. In 2015 in a similar upsetting incident he gave me 10 minutes. So in 3yrs I earned an extra 5 minutes. F*** you MM, you are boring me now. I'm not even upset by it - just see how pathetic he is, how pathetic I was, the whole situation.

 

Time to move on and leave him behind. There are better prospects in the horizon.

Edited May 22, 2015 by OWAmy
spelling

[GoldieLox]

So just to play devil's advocate here... you say you're curious to say what MM will say next week... but you feel a lot different after 3 weeks of NC and don't think contact should continue... so why not just continue NC and NOT meet with him? I think by meeting with him, or talking with him over the phone, whatever it is, you're setting yourself up to fall back into a trap.

[OWAmy]

I'm not meeting with him. We live 4.5hrs away from one another. So that in itself is a great help. He's merely writing an email and I'm curious to see what's in it.

 

I wont restart the affair with him - been out of that 11 months and never thought that should begin again!!

[jellybean89]

So what happens at the end of the 30 days and you don't hear from him? Do you really think he is sitting around, counting the days until day 30?

 

You really imply you have no control over this, as you wait for him to contact you. Why is that? Why do you need him to tell you how it is going to be? Why can't you just not want the contact after 30 days? You are still in an emotional affair with him.

[OWAmy]

I know he is aware there is a deadline of next Friday. There's no need to try and run me down by making me out to be some saddo who is ticking the days down, but I get that is just your decaying personality jellybean (seen enough of your posts to make this judgement). He will be in contact I guarantee that. I was the one who suggested the 30 days NC because he kept on about been pulled in many different directions and I was fed up of hearing it. He's not been pulled in any direction by me - I won't resume an affair with him. Too much time has passed and I have lost interest in him. My feelings for him, we'll just like in a lot of regular relationships - have faded. I have ever thought our affair was ever going to be a success story I was just working out why I had gotten myself into it.

 

All I want is for him to come back having thought about what is going on in his life. I have laid everything right out as I see it - stuff I should have said a long time ago not a few weeks back. There is no correct way of initiating NC just different ways. I should have said all I had to say at the least before my NC email and I knew that days after I sent the NC.

 

All I do really is update my thread and add to it whenever anything changes thoughts, actions etc. it's for my own benefit really and if anyone got anything from it who was in a similar position that benefited them then I would be pleased to have helped them out.

[loveboid]

From my personal experience not in an affair but long distance relationship, cutting it off is very painful for both sides and causes unnecessary pain. I will say years later we can talk but the lost time between talking was just too painful. It's happened again with another relationship and for me it's too heartbreaking. For some special SO's I believe it's possible to retain a respectful connection while moving on. I support your decision though. Each situation is different.

[OWAmy]

Yes I agree. I've kept in contact with a couple of my exes but that's only because neither one of us wants to get back with the other but we still appreciate that we get along personality wise, still occasionally come into contact at weddings of friends that sort of thing. But these they are all in the open - not hidden from anyone. It is sad for me but even MM says so himself that we cannot be friends. That pretty much sums it all up as pointless to me. We hardly ever saw each other, hardly ever had a physical relationship and just talked about the ins and outs of our lives - never discussed his marriage. I will always say that I was just as bad as him in all of this.

[loveboid]

This sounds to me like the right decision for you as it is mutual. Perhaps knowing and emotionally preparing beforehand the limits of this relationship helped out. As you said you helped each other in a transition period so that's a nice memory to have.

 

I can't help but wonder why you didn't talk about what you each wanted? That is an important thing to discuss and would have brought you closer together whether you agreed to marry each or not.

[KissofGrace]

Hello,

 

I'm resurrecting an old post to give you a heads up.

 

Thank you so, so much for your replies. So many wonderful people LS wish I could give you all a cyber hug.

 

It took me six months from posting to finally initiate no contact.

 

 

I am experiencing doubts on Day14 of No Contact and need to hear other people's thoughts.

 

I ended it by email abruptly ... I pretty much said very little and kept it brief, but now I wish I had said more. Not to lure him back in, but so we could part on good terms. We were equal partners in crime. He taught me acceptance of myself. I think possible this affair was life changing for the both of us. We will not be together ever, I know that, but we helped each other in transient periods of our lives. I cannot leave on a bad note. The affair will not be resumed, it is like a final goodbye.

 

Please, your thoughts?

We were equal partners in crime. He taught me acceptance of myself. I think possible this affair was life changing for the both of us. We will not be together ever, I know that, but we helped each other in transient periods of our lives. I cannot leave on a bad note. WOW OWAMY..... you hit it too close to home for me.... this is the truth for me and my MM. i didn't think anyone else could feel this way or had been in this position. you are a brave woman. Edited June 23, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[OWAmy]

This sounds to me like the right decision for you as it is mutual. Perhaps knowing and emotionally preparing beforehand the limits of this relationship helped out. As you said you helped each other in a transition period so that's a nice memory to have.

 

I can't help but wonder why you didn't talk about what you each wanted? That is an important thing to discuss and would have brought you closer together whether you agreed to marry each or not.

 

I think we both found it difficult to talk about the really important things but it actually caught up with us in the end. I dealt with a lot of my stuff in the final six months so I was some way ahead of him. He found so many distractions to take his mind off his personal life - hobbies, work, setting up a new business and now with me out of his life, a landmark birthday and other issues he's taking a close look at his life.

 

Whilst I do care about him - he didn't care enough about me all those years - and I remember that so I won't be hanging around to help him with his next transitional period whereby my only use I feel would be as a comparison to what he has now. He's on his own. I want him to say I'm staying because if he says that, what little feelings are left will die for me. It will be hard for him to write me that email and I'm making the end hard for him - he will be the bad guy for once, but that is his own fault for contacting me after the original NC. Now he suffers the consequences.

[loveboid]

Resentments do build up when a partner takes a long time to decide to commit or avoids talking about important things. I hope you keep taking the good and leaving the bad from this relationship. It sounds to me like it helped you both in some ways and that's gratifying.