Ending on good terms and going NC

[OWAmy]

An expiry date is a good thing for me because I always stick to deadlines!

 

I didn't need to issue an ultimatum - he gave himself one.

[whichwayisup]

Rose, I don't think I can wait. It's not like I've been waiting close to 5yrs. This is what I'm trying to get across I was very lost with things, didn't even consider having a relationship until the last few months as I was so detached. So only spent 3 months entertaining the idea and I'm stressed already!!

 

He's given himself 6 months in therapy, so the end of November. But I want to not be around at all for the duration. I won't let up on the 'no contact' its in my head the best thing to do and not going to go away.

 

x

 

He isn't going to up and leave his wife and family right before 2 major holidays.

 

You've been through a lot, it's time to fix you, continue with counseling, be strong and be emotionally available and open so the next guy who comes into your life is the right one and the totally available (single!) one.

[Popsicle]

I enjoy reading your updates. I think you are going through the natural progression. Good luck and keep us updated.

[OWAmy]

Only one major holiday in my country. I doubt anybody makes the decision to leave and then is up and off immediately.

 

Let's get one thing straight I won't be pursuing anything with MM unless he 1) leaves, 2) spends time alone and 3) is divorced.

 

54,000 posts is a lot of posts. Who looks out for you - don't become lost trying to help others. I've been there and sometimes it's easier to help others as it detracts from our complicated stuff.

 

<hugs>

[gettingstronger]

I enjoy reading your updates. I think you are going through the natural progression. Good luck and keep us updated.

 

 

I agree with this- odd analogy I know-but when my son was trying to decide where to go for college there were tons of questions, what ifs and variables-in the end, we decided to let some of those questions answer themselves rather than put too much in to guessing and second guessing the outcome- after a while some options naturally dropped off (ie- lack of scholarship money, etc...)

 

Not sure if that makes sense- I guess what I am trying to say, is that it does not matter what I think of your decisions, its your process that seems solid to me-

[whichwayisup]

Only one major holiday in my country. I doubt anybody makes the decision to leave and then is up and off immediately.

 

Let's get one thing straight I won't be pursuing anything with MM unless he 1) leaves, 2) spends time alone and 3) is divorced.

 

54,000 posts is a lot of posts. Who looks out for you - don't become lost trying to help others. I've been there and sometimes it's easier to help others as it detracts from our complicated stuff.

 

<hugs>

 

Well it sounds like you know what you're doing, your outlook is very healthy and you're putting yourself first.

 

Thanks for the hugs. I'm doing great, no problems to post about..With that said, you are correct on some level, I am there for many, here and with friends/family so it is harder for me to ask for help when I do need it. Ha, that's a whole other thread for another day! Thanks again for your kind concern.

The post count is high because I've been on LS too many years! This place is kind of addictive, other sections and fun threads.

[OWAmy]

I have come to the conclusion that my affair was different and I say that having spent a considerable length of time evaluating it. Now that I am in a new phase of it. The waiting game, well it is not for me. It is making me physically and mentally unwell. For years Im not sure I thought about the possibility of a relationship. Now I really feel that I have a typical affair dynamic going on. You know what - I'm ready to walk away from it.

 

It's time for me to go forward. I think I want to start fresh with a future relationship rather than hunger to start afresh with him. Leave it all behind in the past and not look back.

 

Thank you for your contributions posters - I'll be back later when I have more time to reply.

[OWAmy]

I met up with MM the other week. No shenanigans - just to talk. I don't often ask VERY direct questions but I said: 'Are you staying or leaving??' He said he thinks he will have to leave.

 

My situation at the moment is that I am worn out. I now have a couple of months of NC as he goes through joint therapy with his wife. I don't know what to do with myself - it is the last stretch, thats all I'm certain of. A decision will be made one way or another. I don't have the patience though - my head says now he will stay and I think I want him to just let me go. I have this evening wrote saying as much. I feel frightened now 8-(

[gettingstronger]

I met up with MM the other week. No shenanigans - just to talk. I don't often ask VERY direct questions but I said: 'Are you staying or leaving??' He said he thinks he will have to leave.

 

My situation at the moment is that I am worn out. I now have a couple of months of NC as he goes through joint therapy with his wife. I don't know what to do with myself - it is the last stretch, thats all I'm certain of. A decision will be made one way or another. I don't have the patience though - my head says now he will stay and I think I want him to just let me go. I have this evening wrote saying as much. I feel frightened now 8-(

 

 

 

He does not have to let you go- you can start that process yourself- while he works on his marriage, you work on your life independent of him-

[OWAmy]

Yeah I have worked on my life independent of him. He is the last remnant of what remains of the old me and my strange thought patterns.

 

The therapy they are doing is unusual - it's not standard marriage counselling.

 

I do think he will leave, but then I don't - this is why I'm trying to force his hand I guess - let me go. He really ought to have left me alone and come back divorced. It just can't work this way for me! I tried writing to show how much pain he is causing me - make him see that we may have already said our goodbyes and I don't want to hang around for months to get some email when he could just say it now!

[unluckycharms]

I met up with MM the other week. No shenanigans - just to talk. I don't often ask VERY direct questions but I said: 'Are you staying or leaving??' He said he thinks he will have to leave.

 

My situation at the moment is that I am worn out. I now have a couple of months of NC as he goes through joint therapy with his wife. I don't know what to do with myself - it is the last stretch, thats all I'm certain of. A decision will be made one way or another. I don't have the patience though - my head says now he will stay and I think I want him to just let me go. I have this evening wrote saying as much. I feel frightened now 8-(

 

I can relate to a lot of what you are going through and I hope you're doing better today but just wanted to emphasize that you have the power to end the uncertainty now instead of waiting for him to decide on the future. You can take back control of the situation and how it affects you.

 

The type of person who cheats on his wife is generally not considering your best interests and can't be relied on tell you the truth no

matter how straightforward you are with him. Happiness is something we have to choose for ourselves.

Edited August 19, 2015 by unluckycharms
Hit submit too fast

[Blue73]

Amy

 

I too enjoy reading your posts. I read the entire thing last night and I cant begin to tell you how much your story is helping me. I wish you all the best in your decisions and like someone else said. Keep us posted!

[jwi71]

I met up with MM the other week. No shenanigans - just to talk. I don't often ask VERY direct questions but I said: 'Are you staying or leaving??' He said he thinks he will have to leave.

 

My situation at the moment is that I am worn out. I now have a couple of months of NC as he goes through joint therapy with his wife. I don't know what to do with myself - it is the last stretch, thats all I'm certain of. A decision will be made one way or another. I don't have the patience though - my head says now he will stay and I think I want him to just let me go. I have this evening wrote saying as much. I feel frightened now 8-(

 

Could you not have simply used your first post in this thread here?

From 2013.

 

What, really, has changed?

[Mount]

Agree. It seems that right now there have many OWs claiming to be under "NC" but in fact still in A with MMs. So they (OWs) are contradicting themselves, so no reason to blame MMs not following his words, I guess.

 

 

Could you not have simply used your first post in this thread here?

From 2013.

 

What, really, has changed?

[OWAmy]

I have not contributed for a while. For me there are times when I simply don't feel the need to check in, busy doing other things. I guess it is like that for a lot of other posters too as names come and go and then return.

 

So, the updates. Quite a lot has happened in the last few months. The physical affair has not resumed and we have spent more time together and talked. We have talked of a future life together - how this might be possible given the logistics, what changes would be needed. We never talked about that until I met back up with him after the period of 'no contact' so basically we only started talking about really being together alone 4.5 yrs into the 5yrs of knowing each other.

 

His marriage is ending and divorce proceedings have been initiated. They have been talking and counselled for several months now and it is amicable. He has found accommodation to move into. He is clearly upset about this and doesn't hide it. Now this is tricky because I am supporting him during this - I'm privy to information when things have been agreed but he wouldn't tell me the finer points and well, their marriage is separate and nothing to do with me.

 

I think this is the point where some affairs have the potential to transition into a relationship but fail because there is SO MUCH ELSE going on even if it's mutually agreed the marriage is ending and neither party hates the other. I am a strong person and I can cope with a hell of a lot, but the next, I don't know how long, will be the most tangled chapter of my life. I shouldn't be around at all. It's like I'm juggling a marriage break-up and an affair. I feel his pain and sadness for what he is going through. I also think about what is best for me.

 

It is very hard to decide what would be easiest for me...would that be to 1) tell him to contact me when he is divorced and ready to start a relationship or 2) be on the peripheries observing all of this?

 

Seriously I would not be around if I wasn't sure that I wanted to be with him, but if I am, then I want this to be in the healthiest way with a man who is ready.

[Poppy47]

Step back right out of it. You do not need to be involved in their divorce.

 

A divorce is not a pretty thing, even at the best of times.

 

Tell him you really want him and to let you know when he is free and ready to commit to you.

 

Poppy.

[OneLov]

Step back right out of it. You do not need to be involved in their divorce.

 

A divorce is not a pretty thing, even at the best of times.

 

Tell him you really want him and to let you know when he is free and ready to commit to you.

 

Poppy.

 

 

I 100% agree with Poppy. Stay far away for your own benefit. This guy needs to end his primary relationship completely before he can consider having a relationship with you. The reason most affairs do not transition into successful legitimate relationships is because the idea of unfinished business. He must completely close the door on his primary relationship or else he will always have feelings of "what if's". If you two go through a rough patch he will inevitably mistake that as a sign of some unfinished business and run back to his former partner. Again remember it is not about you, her or even him; it is only about the path of least resistance. I would advise you to establish NC until he closes the door on his primary relationship.

 

OWAmy I have read your story and feel for you. I think I understand why this seems to be extra hard for you emotionally. I believe that closure and "getting over" somebody are two entirely separate issues that must be processed after a breakup for a person to heal. "Getting over" someone comes from internal factors and is forward-looking, i.e. positive/healthy thought patterns, moving forward with other area's of your life, finding support, etc.. These are things all controlled by you. Closure comes from external factors and is backward-looking (from date of breakup), i.e. the other person's honesty about the situation, the other person's acknowledgement of the situation, the passage of time, etc.. What is missing in your situation is closure.

 

How can you get over "it" when you do not even know what "it" is that you must get over? You mentioned you both never acknowledged that "it" was an affair. I think the lack of acknowledgement is preventing your mind from closing the door on this part of your life. You may find yourself over the person but not the situation because your brain is lacking the essential piece(s) of information to complete the puzzle and put it away.

 

If this guy constantly says things like, "I THINK I need to do 'x'". Then I KNOW he is still standing on the fence and providing you with ambiguous answers that you are trying to use to complete the jigsaw puzzle in your head. Think about it, what if there were multiple pieces that could fit together with other pieces and you did not have a picture to see what "it" is you are making? You will forever be in pieces and unable to complete the puzzle.

 

At this point you really need to look at what time has offered you and let it be your guide. This guy has never set out a clear objective or clearly stated what he wants. His actions and ambiguous words have never matched. Please see this as, "he clearly does not know what he wants." Now is the time let him do some real THINKING and accept that as his answer and try to move one. He may come back one day or may not, but let him make the move. As long as you are there, he can still cake eat. And that is not fair to you or his wife. I hope you find closure in that and are able to move on with strength. I know it is hard and I feel for you. Much harder done than said but you must try. I believe that is the only way you will rid yourself of this conundrum.

 

Best of luck,

 

OneLov

[OneLov]

One more reason to stay far away right now....

 

We have to accept that his first choice is and will always be to have you and not leave her. It is an ugly reality but you have to see this as a truth. It is nothing personal to you or her; it is choice that results in least pain and disruption in his life. Selfish? Absolutely! But is it real? Unfortunately that is what his actions and time has objectively indicated.

 

I think the only reason you want to be on the periphery of the divorce is because you want some assurance you can continue to invest emotional resources in this relationship. Because of his consistent lack of honesty, you cannot get that assurance by his words alone no matter how much you want to believe him. But you need to make the choice that is best for your mental and emotional health.

 

So why back off now? Because staying on the periphery will give him exactly what he wants and not what you want. The reason 'playing hard to get' is promoted in Western culture is because it is scientifically proven to work. That is how our brains are wired, including his. Make him desire what he cannot have and right now that is you. Make it clear that if he ends his primary relationship completely then there could be considerations of a romance between you, but until he does, you cannot continue to keep your life on hold for him.

 

At that point take a deep breath and realize now you take your faith and let go. This is going to be rough for a bit. I am not going to sugar-coat it. But if you truly want to heal, you must jump. He may come back in the future, and then again he may not. But that is something you cannot control. You can only control your healing and know you will come out the other end a much healthier and able person. You will realize much about yourself you never thought possible. But first, you must realize and accept that staying away is the only way if your long-term goal is a successful and legitimate. I know it is trite, but if it really is meant to be, it will be. As hard as it is right now, you must try to have faith in that.

 

OneLov

[ladydesigner]

their marriage is separate and nothing to do with me.

 

 

Well the M certainly didn't get better with you still being in the picture. Part of their M issues is because your MM is cheating and not giving his all to his M.

 

I agree with the other posters, I would at least step away until the air has cleared and you both have a clean slate to work from.

Edited October 29, 2015 by ladydesigner

[OWAmy]

@Poppy47. Thank you for confirming that disappearing is the only course of action. I know this to be true. I am going to put this into action this evening.

[OWAmy]

I 100% agree with Poppy. Stay far away for your own benefit. This guy needs to end his primary relationship completely before he can consider having a relationship with you. The reason most affairs do not transition into successful legitimate relationships is because the idea of unfinished business. He must completely close the door on his primary relationship or else he will always have feelings of "what if's". If you two go through a rough patch he will inevitably mistake that as a sign of some unfinished business and run back to his former partner. Again remember it is not about you, her or even him; it is only about the path of least resistance. I would advise you to establish NC until he closes the door on his primary relationship.

 

OWAmy I have read your story and feel for you. I think I understand why this seems to be extra hard for you emotionally. I believe that closure and "getting over" somebody are two entirely separate issues that must be processed after a breakup for a person to heal. "Getting over" someone comes from internal factors and is forward-looking, i.e. positive/healthy thought patterns, moving forward with other area's of your life, finding support, etc.. These are things all controlled by you. Closure comes from external factors and is backward-looking (from date of breakup), i.e. the other person's honesty about the situation, the other person's acknowledgement of the situation, the passage of time, etc.. What is missing in your situation is closure.

 

How can you get over "it" when you do not even know what "it" is that you must get over? You mentioned you both never acknowledged that "it" was an affair. I think the lack of acknowledgement is preventing your mind from closing the door on this part of your life. You may find yourself over the person but not the situation because your brain is lacking the essential piece(s) of information to complete the puzzle and put it away.

 

If this guy constantly says things like, "I THINK I need to do 'x'". Then I KNOW he is still standing on the fence and providing you with ambiguous answers that you are trying to use to complete the jigsaw puzzle in your head. Think about it, what if there were multiple pieces that could fit together with other pieces and you did not have a picture to see what "it" is you are making? You will forever be in pieces and unable to complete the puzzle.

 

At this point you really need to look at what time has offered you and let it be your guide. This guy has never set out a clear objective or clearly stated what he wants. His actions and ambiguous words have never matched. Please see this as, "he clearly does not know what he wants." Now is the time let him do some real THINKING and accept that as his answer and try to move one. He may come back one day or may not, but let him make the move. As long as you are there, he can still cake eat. And that is not fair to you or his wife. I hope you find closure in that and are able to move on with strength. I know it is hard and I feel for you. Much harder done than said but you must try. I believe that is the only way you will rid yourself of this conundrum.

 

Best of luck,

 

OneLov

 

Thank you for taking the time to read my back story.

 

He was a 'cake eater' and has acknowledged that. Whilst it was comfortable for him to live like this, he did and made no attempts to change things.

 

I believe some affairs, to some extent, do perpetuate a marriage. He seeks change rather like I did only I starting seeking change several years ago now. I don't believe he is leaving the marriage to be with me. I think he is leaving because it is a life he no longer wants to lead. In my own life I could have stayed in my previous relationship and been very comfortable - no worries and I was loved, but I need intimacy ... without that, I knew I couldn't stay.

 

I think he is severely depressed, stressed and unhappy. Even though he instigated talks the jist of what I am told is that it is now accepted by both of them that the marriage is over. The process has already started. he has kept me up to date on things that are of importance like the filing of papers, the house move etc... He does not share very personal stuff with me. He does not say 'I am going to do this' he tells me 'I have done this' when it has been done.

 

I have lots of stresses about other things going on in my life, but this week I decided that regardless of whether we have a successful relationship there are two major issues I need to address. Work and Home. I am going to leave the industry I work in - set out an exit plan and Home - I need to move not because the grass is greener thought pattern - I need to move to totally start afresh. So big things I also have to think about.

 

Going to write my email to him. I don't think a phone conversation will get it across right. The written word will have more impact.

 

Thank you

[OneLov]

"Now he has responded that he and his wife have begun discussing their lack of intimacy and are in serious talks about their marriage. I would like to add me and him never discussed his marriage, him leaving, spoke ill of his wife. Going on about how he is pulled in lots of directions - they have older children but still teenagers, can't think straight, won't disrespect his family whatever choice he makes whether he should stay or leave. He says his marriage is totally separate and he will not be swayed by any alternatives which may (or may) not exist."

 

 

I think what he is telling you is absolutely untrue. His kids will hate him and you. He will lose all the respect of his family, friends, and peers if they find out he got divorced because of "the home-wrecking OW" (yes, they will prejudge you unfairly and not like you for that reason no matter how nice and genuine you are to them). And eventually, he will blame you for all his personal failures by unreasonably believing, "but for OWAmy not manipulating me into getting divorced...". You will end up the scapegoat for the sins of the affair, and in biblical fashion, you will be cast out into the wilderness carrying the sins of another. That is not fair to you and will hurt you more than the pain you are feeling now.

 

I know it may not be comforting right now, but realizing that in my situation actually helped a lot. I love her, and she loves me. But could I really ask her to give up her entire life for me? The respect of everyone she has ever known? As much as rejection hurt when I framed it in that context it seemed much more understandable. It did not mean she cared any less but there are much bigger things in the world than "us". But because society does not approve of affairs, it made the sting of the rejection seem less personal and a bit more palatable.

 

Sorry for blowing up your thread, but I feel your situation and mine are very similar. You are a caring person and no doubt are hurting bad. I wish I could offer you more advice, but I really believe it will not end well for you if you stay on the side. Make him make it his choice, so you both may have a future together instead of the bus rumbling over top you.

 

OneLov

[OWAmy]

He has not said that he is getting divorced because of me. On the contrary he has specifically stated regardless of whatever options may exist between us - the marriage ending is independent.

 

I've never told him to get divorced or leave. All I've said is that I don't want to be an affair partner any more and know I have to want more for myself. I said that I want changes for myself and rather than thinking about change actually wanting to effect change. And I said that at the time because I genuinely wanted him to leave me alone. I did not think he was even considering leaving.

 

I would not begin any relationship with him until he was divorced and ready to move on. Last thing I want is to be used as an emotional crutch. Thats sort of where I feel I'm at currently. The hard thing I'm finding is that if I say 'do not contact me until you are divorced and ready to move on' I am still in limbo land. Will he or won't he come back and I don't want that either.

 

Thank you for your posts. I always take things on board. There are some things I totally resonate with and other things that you mention that don't fit in with my situation. So hard to get a full picture across online.

 

I appreciate that you can be bothered to respond.

[Dylon]

Hi Amy. I read your story and it's a sad one. There was a point you were apart for 180 days. I thought wow....great! Then it all came back. I feel like you want to see him through the situation so that you can feel better about your investment of your time with him. Don't. Let him be now and free yourself from this if you don't want him as you said. It's his problem whether he's divorce or not. Let him know that you don't care and don't see or talk to him anymore. Friendship won't work. Talking like you are friends won't work. You are misleading yourself and him and it will drag to more hurt.

 

I'm really sorry to hear about your hurt. I've gone through with the girl and analyzed and went through all kinds of scenerios for almost a year. There is just no happy ending no matter the outcome. We both got so sick and ill over the year from all the drama. I know you did too. It's sad. Just remember, the hurt is there already and no matter the outcome, there's is no future.

[OneLov]

He has not said that he is getting divorced because of me. On the contrary he has specifically stated regardless of whatever options may exist between us - the marriage ending is independent.

 

I've never told him to get divorced or leave. All I've said is that I don't want to be an affair partner any more and know I have to want more for myself. I said that I want changes for myself and rather than thinking about change actually wanting to effect change. And I said that at the time because I genuinely wanted him to leave me alone. I did not think he was even considering leaving.

 

I would not begin any relationship with him until he was divorced and ready to move on. Last thing I want is to be used as an emotional crutch. Thats sort of where I feel I'm at currently. The hard thing I'm finding is that if I say 'do not contact me until you are divorced and ready to move on' I am still in limbo land. Will he or won't he come back and I don't want that either.

 

Thank you for your posts. I always take things on board. There are some things I totally resonate with and other things that you mention that don't fit in with my situation. So hard to get a full picture across online.

 

I appreciate that you can be bothered to respond.

 

I totally can relate to that feeling, but trust me sooner or later you will have to make the decision to move on. It is going to be very hard at first, but you must understand it is the only way. I know it seems easier to take the emotional crumbs tossed your way right now, but if you do, you find all you will ever get is just that. You will never get to feast on the banquet.

 

What makes it hard is you desperately want him to make the decision for you in unequivocal terms, but the reality is he is not going to ever afford you the respect. You told him already the decision is his to make and now he holds the power. It is not right, but you can see why he will not want to let that go. As hard as it is, you have to make it for him.

 

You have told him almost two years ago you were unhappy with this arrangement. Obviously I do not know him, but I would be a little concerned that he is not yet divorced especially when he says that HE wants it and that NOBODY will be affected. I cannot help but question if that is the case then why is he still just in the stages of discussion? I cannot answer that question but cannot ignore the implications either.

 

I know you do not know my story so I will share it real quick: Emotional affair for over a year. Finally made her decide when I felt reasonably confident she would never do it on her own. I ended it. She came back and said she was going to get divorced. She was going to drop the news when he came back from a business trip later that week. The next 6 days were truly different, and I saw a genuine change in her attitude. It was an amazing week. Just when I thought things were finally getting better, she texted me that he found out, she made a mistake and could not contact me. The end.

 

Naturally I was blown away. Sucker punched. I thought but how, you said.... My point is do not put yourself in a vulnerable position and take him at his words. What people say and what people do are totally different. Unfortunately, this forum and all over the internet are full of stories of OW/OM getting thrown under the bus and blamed for the affair. Although she never said it directly that was vibe considering how she left me with no explanation or anything.

 

I am not saying this because I am a "hater" or do not want you to be happy. I want that for you. I am saying that people make decisions not because of what is honorable or right, but the easy way out. I realized that if she was concerned about doing it "right," she would have worked on her marriage instead of supplementing her gaps and emotional deficiencies with me. If I wanted to do what was "right," I would have told her that and left a long time ago instead of taking the crumbs because it was easier than accepting the alternative.

 

I know everyone has unique relationships that cannot be generally categorized. But at the same time there is a lot of similarities you will find posted in the threads and over the internet. I think the healthiest approached is to hope for the best but prepare for the worst. That is why I am advising you to let go. There is always room for hope, but worst case, you are protecting yourself and not giving away any more time that could be used pursuing other relationships.

 

OneLov