Marriage falling apart

[Vidar]

Hi all. Me and my wife have been married for almost two years now, but I fear that it will be over soon. I'll

 

start from the beginning, I think; The first few months

 

of our relationship everything was good, and the sex life was terrific.

 

However, as the months passed the frequency dropped.

 

We talked about it now and then, and after almost pulling

 

the information out of her, she finally served me the

 

truth; In her previous relationship she was regularly beaten and raped. I was shocked, to say the least. Anyway, we were determined to overcome this and got married the summer of 97. That might not have been such a good idea after all.

 

That was two years ago. I don't think we've had sex more than three, maybe four times since then. However, it's not the lack of sex that torments me any more - I've come to terms with that it's non-existant. The total lack of other intimacy - she turns away when I try to kiss her (I can't remember the last time there was any tounge involved), she hardly lets me hug her, she doesn't even feel like sitting

 

next to me in the couch! It hurts. Bad.

 

She blames this too on her "problems" from earlier, and says she can't help feeling fear and "repulsion" when I try to touch her, no matter the situation - sex, kissing or hugging.

 

Needless to say, this is ripping my insides slowly to shreads, and I have no idea how long I can go on. A few months ago I had a nervous breakdown of some kind and spent hours talking about it with my mother (I'm 25, by the way, and the wife's 22). She is also reluctant to see a therapist, as she's afraid that the memories and nightmares from before will come back if she digs them back up.

 

I have no idea what to do - I love her, but if we go on like this I don't think I can take it. Any comments, recommendations or other tips will be greatly appreciated.

 

Yours,

 

Vidar

[Thiamine]

Hi all. Me and my wife have been married for almost two years now, but I fear that it will be over soon. I'll start from the beginning, I think; The first few months of our relationship everything was good, and the sex life was terrific. However, as the months passed the frequency dropped. We talked about it now and then, and after almost pulling the information out of her, she finally served me the truth; In her previous relationship she was regularly beaten and raped. I was shocked, to say the least. Anyway, we were determined to overcome this and got married the summer of 97. That might not have been such a good idea after all. That was two years ago. I don't think we've had sex more than three, maybe four times since then. However, it's not the lack of sex that torments me any more - I've come to terms with that it's non-existant. The total lack of other intimacy - she turns away when I try to kiss her (I can't remember the last time there was any tounge involved), she hardly lets me hug her, she doesn't even feel like sitting next to me in the couch! It hurts. Bad. She blames this too on her "problems" from earlier, and says she can't help feeling fear and "repulsion" when I try to touch her, no matter the situation - sex, kissing or hugging. Needless to say, this is ripping my insides slowly to shreads, and I have no idea how long I can go on. A few months ago I had a nervous breakdown of some kind and spent hours talking about it with my mother (I'm 25, by the way, and the wife's 22). She is also reluctant to see a therapist, as she's afraid that the memories and nightmares from before will come back if she digs them back up. I have no idea what to do - I love her, but if we go on like this I don't think I can take it. Any comments, recommendations or other tips will be greatly appreciated. Yours, Vidar

I can't begin to imagine what pain your going through One thing comes to mind though..ever read the book "She's come undone" by Wally Lamb? It's an excellent book for this situation. Tell her she *needs* to go to a therapist, the only way she will overcome her nightmares is to confront and defeat them. This will take time; and lots of it. In the book, Dolores can't help but burst into tears when someone touches her feet because the man who raped her always touched her feet. It haunts her and always will. She had roughly 7 years of therapy and it made a huge difference in her personality and multiple other things. I hope this has helped somewhat. Best of luck to you two!

 

Love,

 

Thiamine