what to do????

[Very Confused]

OK, here goes:

 

--I have been married for 2 years. Got together as kids basically, grew in different directions. It is ending somewhat mutually.

 

--I have been having an affair with a man I work with for 6 months. I live in the US and he is in London. We travel all over the world together. We have one mutual friend who told me 5 years ago that this was the guy for me. We are alike in every way and have a good relationship that is based on a lot of honesty.

 

--He is engaged. He told me (he is very honest, so believe what he says) that this woman has been pressuring him for 5 years now to get married. At one point he called it off and now it is back on. He has been in counseling to work out the issues and is finding that she just isn't what he wants.

 

--I am very confident, beautiful and very fun. She is clingly and has major emotional problems.

 

--We don't spend tons of time discussing everything as we have so much fun together we just try to enjoy it.

 

Here is the question:

 

--How much time is adequete for me to expect him to leave her and how can I evaluate if he will? I don't want to start pressing the issue now b/c I do have some stuff of my own to sort through with my marriage ending, but I need to protect myself a little. Any ideas?

[My Conscience]

--I have been married for 2 years. Got together

as kids basically, grew in different directions. It is ending somewhat mutually.

 

This means that both parties are not really happy with it ending.

--I have been having an affair with a man I work with for 6 months.

 

Bingo

I live in the US and he is in London. We travel all over the world together.

 

This means nothing.

We have one mutual friend who told me 5 years ago that this was the guy for me.

 

What do the rest of your friends say?

We are alike in every way and have a good relationship that is based on a lot of honesty.

 

Have you been honest with your husband?

--He is engaged. He told me (he is very honest, so believe what he says) that this woman has been pressuring him for 5 years now to get married. At one point he called it off and now it is back on. He has been in counseling to work out the issues and is finding that she just isn't what he wants.

 

How many times have I heard this before?

--I am very confident, beautiful and very fun.

 

Will you meet me at the International Airport in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil (it's summertime down there). I am confident, attractive and fun. But, I will let you be the judge of that.

She is clingly and has major emotional problems.

Sounds like jealousy to me.

--We don't spend tons of time discussing everything as we have so much fun together we just try to enjoy it.

 

Just keep enjoying it for whatever it's worth.

Here is the question: --How much time is adequete for me to expect him to leave her and how can I evaluate if he will? I don't want to start pressing the issue now b/c I do have some stuff of my own to sort through with my marriage ending, but I need to protect myself a little. Any ideas?

Rule 1: Don't ever screw around on your husband again.

 

Rule 2: Only screw around with men who are not attached to other women. (only after following rule 1).

[Tony T]

Wow, you really believe in pulling things off with great simplicity.

 

If he is serious about you and wants to pursue a relationship with you, he can break up with his fiance in an evening...say three or four hours of conversation to make it right. That's really all it takes. There is no particular ceremony, no caterer to hire, no band...just him telling her she's not the right one for him and why.

 

If he doesn't leave her soon, he either has no nerve or has no intention of doing so. It he keeps playing the two of you, he is still weighing his options and lying to you about her. If he requires counselling in order to break up with someone he doesn't want to be with, you should certainly consider his lack of assertiveness and guts.

 

As far as putting pressure on him, you should NEVER do that. If he says he's going to break up and he doesn't do it soon, just move on. You really don't need to get jacked around and putting pressure on a guy to be with you is not most people's idea of a great romantic start. It's also not a great idea to jump right in to a relationship with someone who has just broken up with his fiance when you have just gotten out of a marriage.

 

You will best be served taking three or four months of time to just be nice to yourself and learn you don't need men in your life to be happy. After that, your mind will be clear and you will be in a much better position to make good decisions concerning partners.

[Rachel]

Dont' kid yourself. Breaking off an engagement is a PIECE OF CAKE.

 

Who are you kidding.

 

If he hasn't broken of a frikkin' engagment to be with you he sure as hell isn't going to break a marriage to be with you.

 

He knows that you didnt' take your marriage vows seriously, and realizes that it probably won't bother you if he doesn't take his seriously.

 

Get away from this man. Work on yourself. We can all find people halfway around the world that are "Fun" and sexy.

 

YOu know the answers in your heart. This man is not interested in a long term relationship with you.

[Laurynn]

You labelled this relationship with the other guy as an "affair", so I get the impression that your husband doesn't know that you've been seeing this man for 6 months. If this is the case, why aren't you being honest with your husband?

 

Your situation is extremely common. I've read this scenario many, many times.

 

Attached guy meets attached woman....they both justify their affair by telling each other that they're both in unhappy/unfulfilling/unsatisfying relationships with people are are clingy/jealous/have problems, etc. Only 9 times out of 10, the whole story isn't presented.

 

Sorry, but my skeptical nature causes me to have some serious doubts about what's really going on with this engaged guy's relationship. He's obviously engaged and with her *for a reason*.....how do you know for SURE that he once ended their engagement? That's just what he *told* you, right? If he was really so unhappy with her, and she truly had so many *problems*, does it make sense that an intelligent, well adjusted, honorable man would propose a second time and STILL be engaged, while seeing you on the side? I'm sure he paints this picture of his fiancee being this and that, and not good for him......but how do you know that's really the *truth*? Did it ever occur to you that he's full of sh*t but likes to have a playmate on the side, particularly when he's travelling on business and wants to have a companion? Did you ever consider that maybe you're just being used, and that he'll *NEVER* end things with his fiancee?? People tell the biggest lies in order to be able to have their cake and eat it too.

 

Why are you still with your husband if you're wanting to be with another man? Do you honestly think that's fair to him?

 

Sounds to me like you both deserve each other..you and loverboy. Though if he could cheat on someone with you, who's to say he won't do the same thing with you? I think you're off in la la land

 

Laurynn

[Very Confused]

It is me, Very Confused, again. I hear what all of you are saying, but I am telling you I have never met someone with whom I am so in sync with. I am not ebing a "romantic", but I think he could be the one, if I had to describe my ideal it would be him. This is based on his personality and not our relationship. Can't you meet your soul mate under less than ideal conditions? Also, I am not jealous at all of his woman. I am not like that at all, honestly. I figure, if he stays then we shouldn't be together. I am mainly looking for tell tales signs and advice on how to handle him as well as how much time should be sufficient for us to figure all of this out.

OK, here goes: --I have been married for 2 years. Got together as kids basically, grew in different directions. It is ending somewhat mutually. --I have been having an affair with a man I work with for 6 months. I live in the US and he is in London. We travel all over the world together. We have one mutual friend who told me 5 years ago that this was the guy for me. We are alike in every way and have a good relationship that is based on a lot of honesty. --He is engaged. He told me (he is very honest, so believe what he says) that this woman has been pressuring him for 5 years now to get married. At one point he called it off and now it is back on. He has been in counseling to work out the issues and is finding that she just isn't what he wants. --I am very confident, beautiful and very fun. She is clingly and has major emotional problems.

 

--We don't spend tons of time discussing everything as we have so much fun together we just try to enjoy it. Here is the question: --How much time is adequete for me to expect him to leave her and how can I evaluate if he will? I don't want to start pressing the issue now b/c I do have some stuff of my own to sort through with my marriage ending, but I need to protect myself a little. Any ideas?

[Laurynn]

It doesn't really matter how *in sync* you feel you both are.....HE IS ENGAGED......YOU ARE MARRIED.

 

If you two were truly 'soulmates', he would end his engagement, pronto. And you would leave your husband.

 

I tell ya...I bet your 'soulmate' is having one helluva time......telling you stories about his so-called 'clingy and overly emotional' fiancee......face it, you're a side-dish....someone to have fun with on the side, while he's travelling on business. You're being used. And so is your poor husband.

 

Why don't you both get your sh*t together, leave your respective partners and THEN think about a future. You are both being deceitful, dishonest and tacky.

 

Laurynn

[joy]

It doesn't really matter how *in sync* you feel you both are.....HE IS ENGAGED......YOU ARE MARRIED. If you two were truly 'soulmates', he would end his engagement, pronto. And you would leave your husband. I tell ya...I bet your 'soulmate' is having one helluva time......telling you stories about his so-called 'clingy and overly emotional' fiancee......face it, you're a side-dish....someone to have fun with on the side, while he's travelling on business. You're being used. And so is your poor husband.

 

Why don't you both get your sh*t together, leave your respective partners and THEN think about a future. You are both being deceitful, dishonest and tacky. Laurynn