And this is why I am done with empathy and looking out for others best interest

[kaylan]

Lets go over some some examples from the 16 – 22 yr old me

 

- first gf during my teen years cheats on me with an old fling of hers

- had a good friend use me for sex despite her knowing how much I liked her

- had a girl lie about being pregnant, and I could never understand why she did

 

Heres some examples from 22 yrs old to present time

 

- had my second love bail on me when she got GIGS and fell for some dude at work

 

- had a friend/old fling straight up ignore me because I dared to be honest with her about why I could never date her. This was after she started chewing me out for not being ready for a relationship. And I was honest and told her that I didn’t think we would ever work out since she tried hooking up with me while she had a bf.

 

- had a girl use me for sex, again, and lead me on, acting like she was really into me…despite her saying she didn’t want anything serious…ie… her actions didn’t match her words until things ended.

 

- had a friend throw herself at me recently, and when I wasn’t that into it, she straight up starts ignoring me. No explanation, nothing, just ignores me and stops talking to me. Um ok, so because I wasn’t all that into hooking up with you, you decide to just turn your back on me? Ok.

 

- And even more recently, had a new interest basically go cold out of nowhere. She seemed into it at first and now we barely talk.

 

And women wonder why some guys are very selfish and self-serving in their dating life? Ive finally learned that we HAVE to be. All of us, man or woman, because everyones only looking out for themselves. Ive always tried to do unto others as I wanted done to myself. But now Ive learn that I must do unto others, before they do unto me. I like being transparent, and I hate lying or being selfish…but it seems like these things are the norm.

 

Its gotten to the point where I think I should just be a jerk, and get mine however I deem fit. If it means keeping girls in the dark about my intentions, so be it. If it means somebody else is sitting around worrying whats going on in my head, instead of the other way around, then so be it. If it means I get the same reputation as other guys so…such as being a user whos emotionally close off, then so be it.

 

Because Im finally just fed up with the bs women I encounter. I feel like the empathy I have, and the transparency Ive shown in my dating life has been taken advantage of. I always tell chicks what my intentions are or what Im looking for. I try to make it so no one gets hurt, yet I keep running into bs drama and selfishness. And don't even get me started on the whole idea that women are less shallow than men. I have stories with regards to that one.

 

All in all, I feel like 2014 should be the year of Kaylan. Do me, get mine, and god help the people who end up in my path. Id just rather not waste my energy or youth any longer on self-important idiots.

Edited December 30, 2013 by kaylan

[Philosoraptor]

There is a difference between putting yourself first and being selfish. You should always do what is in your best interest and take care of yourself; but having negative intentions going into something is going to bring nothing positive to your life.

[kaylan]

PS - Id just rather not waste my energy or youth any longer on self-important idiots. Each situation by itself didn't bother me too much...but little by little this all piles up and I understand how many guys become the way they are. In which case I start to scoff when I see women complain on this forum or come to me about their problems. Hell, I have a friend who complains to me about her love life all the time, and places much blame on all the guys without realizing the crappy things she does herself.

 

/rant

[Mrlonelyone]

Lets go over some some examples from the 16 – 22 yr old me

 

- first gf during my teen years cheats on me with an old fling of hers

- had a good friend use me for sex despite her knowing how much I liked her

- had a girl lie about being pregnant, and I could never understand why she did

 

Heres some examples from 22 yrs old to present time

 

- had my second love bail on me when she got GIGS and fell for some dude at work

 

- had a friend/old fling straight up ignore me because I dared to be honest with her about why I could never date her. This was after she started chewing me out for not being ready for a relationship. And I was honest and told her that I didn’t think we would ever work out since she tried hooking up with me while she had a bf.

 

- had a girl use me for sex, again, and lead me on, acting like she was really into me…despite her saying she didn’t want anything serious…ie… her actions didn’t match her words until things ended.

 

- had a friend throw herself at me recently, and when I wasn’t that into it, she straight up starts ignoring me. No explanation, nothing, just ignores me and stops talking to me. Um ok, so because I wasn’t all that into hooking up with you, you decide to just turn your back on me? Ok.

 

- And even more recently, had a new interest basically go cold out of nowhere. She seemed into it at first and now we barely talk.

 

 

 

 

I feel your pain. Similar things have happened to me.

 

 

And women wonder why some guys are very selfish and self-serving in their dating life? Ive finally learned that we HAVE to be. All of us, man or woman, because everyones only looking out for themselves. Ive always tried to do unto others as I wanted done to myself. But now Ive learn that I must do unto others, before they do unto me. I like being transparent, and I hate lying or being selfish…but it seems like these things are the norm.

 

 

The bolded is signature line worthy and made me laugh out of being so sad but so true.

 

 

 

 

 

Its gotten to the point where I think I should just be a jerk, and get mine however I deem fit. If it means keeping girls in the dark about my intentions, so be it. If it means somebody else is sitting around worrying whats going on in my head, instead of the other way around, then so be it. If it means I get the same reputation as other guys so…such as being a user whos emotionally close off, then so be it.

 

Because Im finally just fed up with the bs women I encounter.

 

 

In other words you are realizing women's true nature and deciding to work with that nature rather than some ideal of how they are supposed to be. (Ladies of LS trust I know men can be just as bad in their own ways.)

 

 

The sad fact is once you do this you will attract ever more women and probably have better relationships with them as long as you are not a total user. I.e. you learn to play on their emotions in order to get them to full fill your emotional needs. Not, playing on their emotions so that they'll pay your cell phone bill or rent.

[IAmRobot]

(Almost) all the scenarios above show me pretty normal things where everyone did what they wanted...

 

I.e. noone forced you to have sex with some girl who afterwards wasn't that into you, or reject some other girl who was into you. Everyone looks out for themselves at the end of the day. I dont see this big generosity that you talk about, but again I don't know all the details.

[kaylan]

(Almost) all the scenarios above show me pretty normal things where everyone did what they wanted...

 

I.e. noone forced you to have sex with some girl who afterwards wasn't that into you, or reject some other girl who was into you. Everyone looks out for themselves at the end of the day. I dont see this big generosity that you talk about, but again I don't know all the details.

That's right, you don't know the details.

 

Either way, your view of things is exactly why people do what they do to others. Oh wells. That's the way of the world.

I feel your pain. Similar things have happened to me.

 

The bolded is signature line worthy and made me laugh out of being so sad but so true.

I remember that line from Stone Cold Steve Austin. It was a little motto of his back during 1998 when he was wrestling in the WWF. Great character, and a true motto imo.

In other words you are realizing women's true nature and deciding to work with that nature rather than some ideal of how they are supposed to be. (Ladies of LS trust I know men can be just as bad in their own ways.)

 

 

The sad fact is once you do this you will attract ever more women and probably have better relationships with them as long as you are not a total user. I.e. you learn to play on their emotions in order to get them to full fill your emotional needs. Not, playing on their emotions so that they'll pay your cell phone bill or rent.

And this is the sad part. Id like to think this isn't the true nature of women...that maybe its the true nature of just the sh!!ty women I happen to attract...but I just don't know anymore.

 

Im a pretty genuine dude...but my patience has worn thin. Im either taken advantage of or I get passed over for one reason or another. Id rather have a fun, open, genuine, and transparent partnership with a girl...but it seems like its impossible to find that with someone.

 

Theres always this stupid little game of distrust and selfishness going on. Nevermind the mindset people have where they feel they can always do better. I might as well join in and quit wasting my energy and youth waiting around for something that may not come for awhile.

Edited December 30, 2013 by kaylan

[TheGuard13]

Have you tried getting better friends?

[Woggle]

Believe I have been there so I understand where you are coming from but don't become as bad as they are because you will end up hurting a woman that doesn't deserve it. Just make women prove they are worth any investment on your part. Don't mistreat or use them but treat it as casual until they show they are worth otherwise.

[CrystalCastles]

You know, there are honest women out there too.

 

By acting the way you're proposing, you could really hurt these women and you'll still end up alone.

 

You need to seek a medium- not a doormat but not a jerk either.

 

Because no quality woman is going to want to be with a man who is a jerk.

[TheBigQuestion]

 

And this is the sad part. Id like to think this isn't the true nature of women...that maybe its the true nature of just the sh!!ty women I happen to attract...but I just don't know anymore.

 

 

Any discussion of the "true nature" of women will be wrought with ambiguity. With that said, it's pretty safe to say that a very large portion of people are quite Machiavellian in their romantic relationships whether or not they realize it. You are coming to this realization quite late in the game, but it's good that you came to it anyway.

 

You've experienced what plenty of guys learn through experience but rarely deduce in the abstract, namely that women are players. They use guys for emotional validation, a shoulder to cry upon. They also use guys for sex. They lie without conscience or remorse. They cheat. A lot more of them than are willing to come forward expect men to pay for all their dates despite the fact that they have their own money. They expect men to overlook their moral shortcomings and get pissy when men refuse to grant them such a courtesy. They hold double standards that are just as bad if not far worse than the double standards that men are vociferously accused of holding.

 

The worst part? The world has tricked men into thinking that women are more morally pure and less likely to engage in any of the above-mentioned behaviors. The world is generally far more willing to rationalize and forgive women when they do any of this stuff. These self-serving attitudes are propagated by female posters here whether or not they realize it. It's part of why it has taken you 26 years to realize that something is amiss, that giving potential dates the benefit of the doubt is a bad idea, and that approaching with cautious, measured skepticism is a far better course of action. This is why certain other relationship forums (and you in particular know which ones I'm talking about) have emerged over the past decade. It's why so many men the world over have adopted the mentality that the most desirable goal for them is to sleep around, and if they actually meet someone honorable in the process to maybe consider settling down. The fact that this sort of female behavior is downplayed, justified, and rationalized so often by mainstream society is the reason why the so-called, much maligned "Manosphere" exists.

 

As long as you don't become too paranoid and bitter, your "me first" attitude will serve you just fine.

Edited December 30, 2013 by TheBigQuestion

[Woggle]

I don't think women are naturally but in reality they are no better than men though a lot of male bashers love to act like their crap doesn't stink. When women complain about there being no good men I just roll my eyes and ignore them. Male bashers wouldn't know a good man if he fell on their lap.

[TheBigQuestion]

I don't think women are naturally but in reality they are no better than men though a lot of male bashers love to act like their crap doesn't stink.

 

Agreed, and that's part of the problem kaylan is describing.

 

Women are taught from a very young age to be wary of men's potential to be deceptive, cruel, and even violent towards them.

 

Men are taught from a young age that women have a reduced capacity for any of the above-mentioned negative behaviors and no knowledge on how to deal with these behaviors is imparted upon them. Then they're surprised the first time a girl cheats on them, uses them for money, sex, or emotional support, or throws china and silverware at them.

 

I'm the same age as Kaylan, yet from about age 19 onward I feel like my viewpoint of women has been markedly different from his and the majority of other men. It was back then that I started casually reading non-traditional dating advice geared towards men. It taught me that women operate on the same shaky moral plane as just about any other demographic. I stopped being surprised or even disheartened by the BS a long time ago.

[mortensorchid]

Dude, I thought my background was odd and questionable. Then I hear such a tale and think "Well, I am not alone." All I can tell you is that you have to keep trying, you don't know what will or won't happen with the next person that you encounter. Wishful thinking, I know, but what else can you do? We keep going, keep trying. It's only when you start saying things like "all the good ones are gay" (even though I have said that many times myself) that you truly fail, or when you are presented with a truly good opportunity and you choose to run from it or dump them for some other trashy girl who is more fun or easier to control or who would provide more drama than the good woman does. None of these who you just described deserve you, nor do they deserve any kind of happiness. There are people like that in the world who live this way and wonder "why me?" Don't be one of them.

[ThaWholigan]

Welcome to planet Earth, Kaylan .

 

People suck - get used to it. Don't get me wrong though. I love people and generally I am optimistic about most things, but I'm not stupid. There will be a plethora of women out there who will take your kindness for weakness if you let them. I maintain this isn't "all", but men and women are still human and women do the same dumb sh*t that we supposedly have a monopoly on.

 

All I can say is be measured but don't harden your heart completely. I understand that it's very tempting to say f*ck it and be the "jerk". If you're comfortable doing that, then I can't stop you. I cannot be that guy personally, I have too much sympathy for people. I echo what Philosoraptor said - look out for yourself but don't be intentionally vindictive just because you're mad at being hurt before.

[Mrlonelyone]

The worst part? The world has tricked men into thinking that women are more morally pure and less likely to engage in any of the above-mentioned behaviors. The world is generally far more willing to rationalize and forgive women when they do any of this stuff.

 

 

 

One movie line sums it all up. The major difference in how society treats men vs women comes down to this.

 

 

 

 

Think of a man, then take away (the expectation of) reason (and the presence of any real) accountability.

 

 

It is the product of double standards that hold women as being just as capble as men yet at the same time infatilize them. Plenty of women are willing to play the damsel in distress or some other old sexist role when it suits them.

 

 

Simply recognizing that all kinds of people even mostly good people will at times be maniplulative and lie and cheat is part of coming of age.

 

 

Kaylan, you are 26. Your neocortex only matures at around age 25 give or take. It took me until age 28 to really wake up and realize the sort of thing you have. In short, that things I thought I knew at 20 were not right at all.

[todreaminblue]

Hey kaylan ....being a jerk....nah .....just be yoyr self if others are dicks doesnt mean you have to be ....its like me saying ok.....i have been raped so now ill be a rapist too....or because someone beat the crap out of me i should go do it to someone and make me feel better about being me who got hurt by havign the sh it kicked out of me......point being why the crap would i want someone want to feel pain i have been through ./.....wont make me feel better.......in fact....ill go against everything i believe to be true and right if i were to treat people how i have sometimes been treated

 

forgive those who trespass against you and you wont feel that need to be a jerk...... abuse is a cycle so break the cycle...bad behavior is a cycle......also......break it, smash it to bits by just being you and be as loving and compassionate as you can be...for you know how it feels to hurt...everyone bleeds kalan dont be the person who hurts another intentionally, too many of those floating around in the world.........be one of the ones who stops that sh ite from happening by showing compassion forgiveness and understanding.....you are better than that .....dont be a jerk.........i wouldnt answer a jerk lots of people wouldnt, but i answered you...have a happy new year..deb

[MrCastle]

You can't be explicitly open with people. You just can't. Not in dating at least. In more serious relationships, sure. But dating wise, if you show all your cards, you're done. Mum is the word.

[Phoe]

This is more than just dating and more than just genders. This is PEOPLE. This is just how some humans are.

 

Man, woman, friend, partner, family.... Sometimes they're just gonna be sh**ty and bite you in the ass. Everyone deals with crappy people. EVERYONE.

 

 

The difference though, is between those who learn to let it roll off their back and truly, genuinely appreciate and seek out the good in response to the negative, and those who say "f**k the world" and let it ruin them.

 

 

Your choice. I made mine and am happy with that choice. Just make a choice you will be happy with.

[AD1980]

Ive learned over the years most people arent **** wheter men or women most are self absorbed and only look out for themslves and will stab you in the back or leave you at the drop of a hat if they get the opportunity.

[RedRobin]

Go ahead and be another user, Kaylan. World is full of them.

 

 

Go ahead and be completely ordinary and common. Nothing is stopping you.

[Elias33]

This is more than just dating and more than just genders. This is PEOPLE. This is just how some humans are.

 

More than just people, this is how life works as well. And you can hang in there or give up. Becoming cynical and bitter is initiating to give up.

 

Think of it as this; the better and more special it will be when you DO meet that person destined for you. If you close yourself now to the outside, you will not be able to recognize when something good comes along. You may as well make the conscious choice to never be in a serious relationship. Good luck.

[kaylan]

Go ahead and be another user, Kaylan. World is full of them.

 

 

Go ahead and be completely ordinary and common. Nothing is stopping you.

roger that

[Scales]

Learned this lesson a couple years ago, became a so called "jerk", and never looked back. How people define being a jerk is subjective anyways. The trick I found to dealing with all of this stuff is to stop giving a *&^%. You put too much effort into the hurt others have caused and the hurt you will cause. Stop. Act on what you want and do it regardless of possible negative consequences. Should you break the law? probably not. Should you go and get yours? definitely. Don't let society, mainstream thinking, and being a "gentleman" get in your way. Girls seem kind and have a softer image, but even the nicest pure girl will rip your ass to shreds when she talks to her girlfriends.

 

I agree this is a people issue. How to date: Stop caring about being hurt. Stop caring about hurting others. Investment is better spent once you are in a relationship. Don't cave in. After I figured this out my dating life went from average to fun and easy.

 

P.S. I am in full support of 2014 year of Kaylan. Take some time and just cannonball everything. Be a huge jerk and see how it goes. Its worth a shot.

[Eternal Sunshine]

K - I advocate looking out for yourself but the quality of women you will attract by acting like a user will be low.

[TheBigQuestion]

K - I advocate looking out for yourself but the quality of women you will attract by acting like a user will be low.

 

On the other hand, acting the way he has in the past has also attracted low quality women.