And this is why I am done with empathy and looking out for others best interest

[MrCastle]

I didn't get sleeping around from Kaylan's posts.

 

What I think is -- in his past dating life, he would make decisions with him and the female in mind. Trying to be understanding of both of their wants and needs and not just his own. Before making a move of any kind, he would ask himself "how will she respond to this?," "how will she feel about this?"

 

In other words, he was courteous, and considerate of the feelings of the other party.

 

But, time and time again, he would see that courtesy, that level of consideration, go unreturned. It was not a balanced relationship because he would care about the interests of himself and her, whereas she would only care about her own interests.

 

So what it seems like he wants to do, is just focus on his own wants and needs. Take care of #1 before all else, because if he doesn't look out for himself, who will?

 

I don't see it as lying or doing underhanded stuff or anything like that. What I took this whole thread to mean is he's tired of being considerate of others when it comes to sex and relationships and not having that same level of civility returned.

[Mrlonelyone]

I don't click on links to youtube at work - sorry.

 

You're free to date and be attracted to whomever you want and yes you should have matching value systems.

 

I'm not sure what this has to do with OP going around acting like a huge prick to women just because he dated girls who weren't very nice to him.

 

People don't fit in tiny little compartmentalized boxes.

 

They are as SFW. I guess if your job has a policy against youtube in particular.

 

The first one was from the movie best in show. A woman who has had lots of boyfriends is with a total hapless man who literally has two left feet.

 

The second is from the Adams Family values movie from the 90's. Uncle Fester marries this woman who's only after his money, and who is gorgeous, and who does not actually love him in any way at all.

 

They are funny because they are so over the top but things about that awful are done to unaware men every day everywhere.

 

@RedRobin

 

To me it is BS when a truly nice girl is told she should forgive and settle with a man who's loaded down with so much baggage. Unless there is some other way that they compliment each other to counter balance the difference in experience.

 

Choose which habit(s) you want to acquire... because bad habits are very hard to break and also very hard to convince others have been changed.

 

That's basically what we are saying. Nice girls should not want to try to tame players. (Yet many women classically want to find a broken man to fix or change and waste their young lives on.)

 

Likewise decent (not nice) men should not want to have to fix up or deal with a damaged woman.

 

Dented cans go together.

[Janesays]

He sounds like he was lucky to both not get hurt while he was waiting to finish, and to have found a nice girl (not a reformed bad girl) who also waited to finish.

 

 

The problem is, for most really truly nice guys... a reformed bad girl is exactly what they find.

 

Well, no. My husband was a virgin when we started dating. Yes, at 32. I don't think he was actively or purposely saving himself, per se, but he just never dated anyone long enough to get to that point.

 

I was NOT a virgin when I met him. Heck, I was divorced woman. And while I wouldn't consider myself a reformed bad girl (personally, I think my number of sexual partners is pretty modest for my age), I think it is safe to say I had significantly more experience.

 

So no, we were not 'evenlly yoked' by your shallow definition.

 

However, I can honestly say I'd do anything short of murder to make that man happy and my respect an admiration for him is such that I'd claw the eyes out of someone before I'd let them say a word against him. I believe his feelings for me are similar. In that case, we are evenly matched in all the ways that count or matter.

 

There is more to a person than the amount of sexual partners they had. If you want someone to love you in a deeper manner, you have to be willing to look deep yourself.

[charlietheginger]

I'm 37

Been lied to cheat on stolen from by women....

 

I'm at the point ill prob ride out the rest of my life alone

 

ever see te lady with 50cats at the end of the street or the guy that lives alone with his two dogs people think they are crazy .... with all the sick twisted shot people do to one another I often wonder if those people were at one point abused. in a relationship

and just decided its easier to live with animals

[Mrlonelyone]

Well, no. My husband was a virgin when we started dating. Yes, at 32. I don't think he was actively or purposely saving himself, per se, but he just never dated anyone long enough to get to that point.

 

I was NOT a virgin when I met him. Heck, I was divorced woman. And while I wouldn't consider myself a reformed bad girl (personally, I think my number of sexual partners is pretty modest for my age), I think it is safe to say I had significantly more experience.

 

So no, we were not 'evenlly yoked' by your shallow definition.

 

You don't need to be a virgin... I did say that you can balance out a difference in experience if you are complementary in other ways too.

 

My emphasis on what I am saying is that their are women who will bill themselves to a man like your husband as if they were in the convent all their lives. Then latter, after they are married, find out their wife was working the strip in Vegas two weeks before they met.

 

However, I can honestly say I'd do anything short of murder to make that man happy and my respect an admiration for him is such that I'd claw the eyes out of someone before I'd let them say a word against him. I believe his feelings for me are similar. In that case, we are evenly matched in all the ways that count or matter.

 

There is more to a person than the amount of sexual partners they had. If you want someone to love you in a deeper manner, you have to be willing to look deep yourself.

 

I sense you are sensitive about this issue as it kinda speaks to how many people will see your situation..... so I will chalk your response up to that. As I said in my original post on the matter of being evenly yolked...

 

 

There is a saying in the world....it comes from the Hadith stories and sayings of Muhammad but others have taken it as wise.

 

A man and woman should be evenly yoked in a marriage.

 

Meaning, a man with lots of experience should be with a woman with lots of experience. A man with little experience should be with a woman with little experience. .........

 

I have a certain amount of baggage. I am looking for a woman who has about the same baggage or who complements me and I her in various ways.

 

I repeated that in another posting.

 

 

@RedRobin

 

To me it is BS when a truly nice girl is told she should forgive and settle with a man who's loaded down with so much baggage. Unless there is some other way that they compliment each other to counter balance the difference in experience.

 

 

From what you have said you really want to make this work, you really love and respect your husband, he does not care about your past.

 

That works for you.

 

Please don't take this thread personally. All our points of view are equal and on offer for the OP and others to consider.

[Janesays]

 

 

I sense you are sensitive about this issue as it kinda speaks to how many people will see your situation..... so I will chalk your response up to that. As I said in my original post on the matter of being evenly yolked...

 

Huh? What issue? What situation? I'm sorry, but I am confused by your reply.

 

My point was only that men with bad attitudes tend to repel women like me. Having a positive outlook on life (even the negative experiences) goes a loooonnngggg way in attracting the 'right' girl.

[Mrlonelyone]

Huh? What issue? What situation? I'm sorry, but I am confused by your reply.

 

My point was only that men with bad attitudes tend to repel women like me. Having a positive outlook on life (even the negative experiences) goes a loooonnngggg way in attracting the 'right' girl.

 

 

 

So having a bad attitude = telling the truth about how society will see men who are old and inexperienced who are married to much more experienced (usually but not always reformed bad girl type) women?

 

 

I suppose I made those movies, and I wrote the part of Jenny in Forrest Gump?

 

 

 

 

There is a difference between having a bad attitude, and not being a sucker.

I am not going to be a sucker and get used. If that puts a woman off then they are a woman looking for a sucker.

[Janesays]

You can't speak for society. You can only speak for yourself.

 

And if you insist on painting everyone with such a broad negative brush, then yeah. The world will become a very dark and unhappy place....

 

....FOR YOU.

 

People have a tendency to see what they want to see. You see a world full of liars and users because, deep down, that is what you WANT to see. You are creating your own reality.

 

I see a world full of good, but imperfect people, doing the best that they can but sometimes making mistakes and hopefully learning and growing. I create my own reality.

 

The only difference between us is my reality makes me happy....and yours makes you miserable. But we all have the ability to create the personal heaven or hell that we live in.

[Mrlonelyone]

You can't speak for society. You can only speak for yourself.

 

And if you insist on painting everyone with such a broad negative brush, then yeah. The world will become a very dark and unhappy place....

 

....FOR YOU.

 

People have a tendency to see what they want to see. You see a world full of liars and users because, deep down, that is what you WANT to see. You are creating your own reality.

 

I see a world full of good, but imperfect people, doing the best that they can but sometimes making mistakes and hopefully learning and growing. I create my own reality.

 

The only difference between us is my reality makes me happy....and yours makes you miserable. But we all have the ability to create the personal heaven or hell that we live in.

 

 

I am not miserable. You don't know me to know I am miserable. I see reality for what it is stripped of all pretense. I am an analytical person and I judge people on what they do, not what they intend, say, or believe. Behavior is the only sincere indication of what I person really is about.

 

 

i.e. A man who says he loves his wife as he physically and emotionally abuses her....really does not love his wife.

 

 

 

 

Likewise you act like you love and respect your husband as shown here. You are defending him from what you think is an insult to him, even though it could not be as I do not know him or you.

 

 

Plenty of wives would not do that for their husbands. Plenty of wives will be the first to insult their husbands.

 

 

You are personalizing something that isn't personal. My comments were meant to try and illuminate what the OP wants to avoid. Namely being used by a woman. Women (and men of course) don't set out consciously to use someone per se. They are just self focused and don't really think about weather their partner is being served by the relationship.

[Janesays]

I didn't realize my husband was being attacked, so I have no idea what you are talking when you say I am "defending" him. I said what I said to illustrate that he is a man of good character and because of that, I am completely loyal and devoted to him.

 

I think you are reading things into my posts that just aren't there.

 

And I am an Ethologist by profession. It is my JOB to study strictly behavior and ignore emotions, so to insinuate that you are more analytical to my oh so emotional feminine counterpart is vaguely sexist. And innaccuate considering that YOU are the one labeling people 'good' or 'bad' based on the number of their sexual partners, not I. I look at the number of sexual partners as strictly a neutral fact that is but one aspect of a very large and complex personality that produces a wide range of behaviors....all with the ability to be modified with proper motivation.

 

'Good' and 'bad' is subjective. So stop 'telling the truth about what society' thinks because I am a part of society and I can tell you right now you are dead wrong about what I think. You can't speak for society. You can only speak for yourself. Your hang ups are your own. Take some ownership for them.

[Mrlonelyone]

I didn't realize my husband was being attacked, so I have no idea what you are talking when you say I am "defending" him. I said what I said to illustrate that he is a man of good character and because of that, I am completely loyal and devoted to him.

 

Your actions feel to me like someone who is being defensive. I was not attacking your husband, your post mentioned him. I had no idea about your situation until just now.

 

 

I think you are reading things into my posts that just aren't there.

 

And I am an Ethologist by profession. It is my JOB to study strictly behavior and ignore emotions, so to insinuate that you are more analytical to my oh so emotional feminine counterpart is vaguely sexist. And innaccuate considering that YOU are the one labeling people 'good' or 'bad' based on the number of their sexual partners, not I. I look at the number of sexual partners as strictly a neutral fact that is but one aspect of a very large and complex personality that produces a wide range of behaviors....all with the ability to be modified with proper motivation.

 

'Good' and 'bad' is subjective. So stop 'telling the truth about what society' thinks because I am a part of society and I can tell you right now you are dead wrong about what I think. You can't speak for society. You can only speak for yourself. Your hang ups are your own. Take some ownership for them.

 

I a not responsible for what you think I am insinuating. By the by if you were utterly analytical you would not look for insinuations or "read between lines" you would take my saying that I'm not even talking about you at face value.

 

I certainly don't have hang ups about sex. I just know that I would not be a match for a nun nor would a party girl be a match for a priest.

[chicaboom]

This is sad. This is how the cycle starts. You can't just put negativity into the world because you have encountered negativity. If we all did that no one would ever find love. Do what you want, but you'll probably miss out on the one girl who isn't going to hurt you, and who is willing to love you. Is missing that girl worth turning into a self- serving horn dog?

 

We've all been hurt. Grow a pair of balls like the rest of us and stop whining. If you can't deal with hurt and rejection for the love of god don't spread your nastiness to the rest of us. We have enough *******s to deal with and don't need another selfish, cynical guy to add to the bunch.

 

Bottom line, life isn't easy....deal with it and don't add more chaos to the world bc your a whiny little baby who has been hurt.

[ThaWholigan]

You know, you can look out for number 1 and still be courteous and respectful of people's wishes and feelings. I don't understand why it has to be either or.

 

Pah, maybe I'm not jaded enough to be so extreme .....

[Scales]

This is sad. This is how the cycle starts. You can't just put negativity into the world because you have encountered negativity. If we all did that no one would ever find love. Do what you want, but you'll probably miss out on the one girl who isn't going to hurt you, and who is willing to love you. Is missing that girl worth turning into a self- serving horn dog?

 

We've all been hurt. Grow a pair of balls like the rest of us and stop whining. If you can't deal with hurt and rejection for the love of god don't spread your nastiness to the rest of us. We have enough *******s to deal with and don't need another selfish, cynical guy to add to the bunch.

 

Bottom line, life isn't easy....deal with it and don't add more chaos to the world bc your a whiny little baby who has been hurt.

 

wow how pleasant. Something about not spreading nastiness?

[PJKino]

I think this is important in the relationship world but also life in general..Ive been too nice and accomadating to people in my life and gave more loyalty then i got in return so f em theyres only a few i put my trust in im done giving people the benefit of the doubt for anything

[kaylan]

You know, you can look out for number 1 and still be courteous and respectful of people's wishes and feelings. I don't understand why it has to be either or.

 

Pah, maybe I'm not jaded enough to be so extreme .....

People have a tendency to take advantage of courtesy. Thats the problem generally.

[kaylan]

This is sad. This is how the cycle starts. You can't just put negativity into the world because you have encountered negativity. If we all did that no one would ever find love. Do what you want, but you'll probably miss out on the one girl who isn't going to hurt you, and who is willing to love you. Is missing that girl worth turning into a self- serving horn dog?

 

We've all been hurt. Grow a pair of balls like the rest of us and stop whining. If you can't deal with hurt and rejection for the love of god don't spread your nastiness to the rest of us. We have enough *******s to deal with and don't need another selfish, cynical guy to add to the bunch.

 

Bottom line, life isn't easy....deal with it and don't add more chaos to the world bc your a whiny little baby who has been hurt.

you mad?

 

Im just telling it like it is. Dont like my thread? Let me get the door for you.

[ThaWholigan]

People have a tendency to take advantage of courtesy. Thats the problem generally.

It has never stopped me though. I have always been aware of people who take advantage. I know people think it is naive to maintain it but I'd rather be this way than the opposite.

[xxoo]

You know, you can look out for number 1 and still be courteous and respectful of people's wishes and feelings. I don't understand why it has to be either or.

 

I agree with you 100%, but not everyone has well enough developed awareness and character to manage it.

[chicaboom]

you mad?

 

Im just telling it like it is. Dont like my thread? Let me get the door for you.

 

No I'm not mad. Maybe that's where the problem lies. I'm also just saying it how it is. This is the reality of life, people get hurt, but you don't hurt others because you have been hurt.

 

You take it personally, including my post. It's not personal it's reality and the way life is. I guess it's up to you how you deal with it is what I am trying to say. Whining about it and thinking "poor me" is immature. There are worse things in life.

 

It just boggles my mind that those few experiences you've had would make someone think about putting their own insecurities on others so quickly by taking revenge on the world with a "since I've been hurt, I don't give a shirt about anyone anymore" attitude.

 

No need to get snarky, you don't have to like my post but it's the honest to god truth of life.

 

Grow a pair...( did I hurt your feelings?)

[Keenly]

No I'm not mad. Maybe that's where the problem lies. I'm also just saying it how it is. This is the reality of life, people get hurt, but you don't hurt others because you have been hurt.

 

You take it personally, including my post. It's not personal it's reality and the way life is. I guess it's up to you how you deal with it is what I am trying to say. Whining about it and thinking "poor me" is immature. There are worse things in life.

 

It just boggles my mind that those few experiences you've had would make someone think about putting their own insecurities on others so quickly by taking revenge on the world with a "since I've been hurt, I don't give a shirt about anyone anymore" attitude.

 

No need to get snarky, you don't have to like my post but it's the honest to god truth of life.

 

Grow a pair...( did I hurt your feelings?)

 

Perhaps you don't understand how these feelings are formed.

This isn't a one or two time deal. I know what happened to him, because it happened to me, and its not " one girl was mean so now I'm going to be mean "

 

 

Its when you are kind to people, and you invest your time and energy into making them happy, and they could give two pieces of poo about reciprocating. You get thrown into the dumpster not once, not twice, but over and over and over and over and over and over again.

 

 

After the fourth dozen girl does this to you... there is really no reason to keep being nice to people.

 

Keep in mind you can be polite without being nice, and you can choose not to be nice without

Being mean.

 

 

Some people are just so tired of living for others and getting nothing in return that they decide " screw everyone else, its time for it to be about me ".

 

That is what he is doing .

[kaylan]

No I'm not mad. Maybe that's where the problem lies. I'm also just saying it how it is. This is the reality of life, people get hurt, but you don't hurt others because you have been hurt.

 

You take it personally, including my post. It's not personal it's reality and the way life is. I guess it's up to you how you deal with it is what I am trying to say. Whining about it and thinking "poor me" is immature. There are worse things in life.

 

It just boggles my mind that those few experiences you've had would make someone think about putting their own insecurities on others so quickly by taking revenge on the world with a "since I've been hurt, I don't give a shirt about anyone anymore" attitude.

 

No need to get snarky, you don't have to like my post but it's the honest to god truth of life.

 

Grow a pair...( did I hurt your feelings?)

Who said Im going to hurt others? Im going to LOOK OUT FOR ME FIRST AND FOREMOST.

 

Learn to read (did that hurt your feelings?) The reality is that one must adapt to succeed.

 

PS - Lol @ some of the noobies we always get on this forum. Good for laughs Id say.

[Keenly]

What you're actually telling the universe is "no" to love.

 

And that's exactly what you'll get.

 

So then why after 3 months of deciding to only live for me, did I find a mean that's very interested in dating me?

[chicaboom]

Who said Im going to hurt others? Im going to LOOK OUT FOR ME FIRST AND FOREMOST.

 

Learn to read (did that hurt your feelings?) The reality is that one must adapt to succeed.

 

PS - Lol @ some of the noobies we always get on this forum. Good for laughs Id say.

 

I think you should read your post again.... You did say you were going to hurt people by "being a jerk" and "god help the ppl who get in my way....". I mean unless that doesn't mean you're going to hurt ppl??? But It sure sounds like there is a disregard for feelings somewhere along the way.

 

I think I see why there has been that pattern in your past. I think you're right in realizing that something has to change and that something is you. You are of course the common denominator. Whether or not that means you act like a jerk and have a disregard for the feelings of other as you so feel you have been treated, well that's your choice, but I don't think this attitude will get you any closer to what you really want.

 

Your anger to my blunt and honest post seems to me that you can't take criticism. These forums are usually to help ppl and by acknowledging the truth that's the only way you can set things to the way you want them to be. If you don't like my post, you can leave through the proverbial door that you seem to want to kick me out of?? Your life is not that bad, EVERYONE has failed relationships...it's just so annoying to hear ppl whine about it bc honestly ppl are getting raped, dying, going hungry...what do we have to complain about but a few bad relationships that didn't work out. I was more annoyed than mad at your post. And no I don't have to leave bc I wanted to respond to it. this is the internet and you put it out there, so you should be able to deal with mwhat you get in return...just like in REAL LIFE. Not everything is going to be daisies and roses.

 

Good luck whatever you choose.

[chicaboom]

Perhaps you don't understand how these feelings are formed.

This isn't a one or two time deal. I know what happened to him, because it happened to me, and its not " one girl was mean so now I'm going to be mean "

 

 

Its when you are kind to people, and you invest your time and energy into making them happy, and they could give two pieces of poo about reciprocating. You get thrown into the dumpster not once, not twice, but over and over and over and over and over and over again.

 

 

After the fourth dozen girl does this to you... there is really no reason to keep being nice to people.

 

Keep in mind you can be polite without being nice, and you can choose not to be nice without

Being mean.

 

 

Some people are just so tired of living for others and getting nothing in return that they decide " screw everyone else, its time for it to be about me ".

 

That is what he is doing .

 

Keep in mind you can also choose how you react to negativity in your life (i.e., CHOOSING not to hurt others because you have been hurt). There's nothing wrong with putting yourself first, the problem arises when you take advantage of or hurt others to take care of yourself intentionally as his post indicated.

 

I do understand what he means, I've had plenty of heartbreak...but I still treat every single person I date with respect even the *******s. Hurting others rodent make me feel any better and just perpetuates more hurt.