tchrgrl Posted December 30, 2013 Share Posted December 30, 2013 I have not been on this forum in a very long time and will try to keep it brief. I forget some of the acronyms for things too, so sorry if it seems wordy! I am MW seeing a MM for almost 2 years now. We started the A when he was engaged and I had been married for over 10 years. I have children, he does not. I am 8 yrs older than him and we are in very different places in our marriages. I would be divorced in a minute if I didn't have 3 kids whom I worry very much about and I'm rather Catholic which makes divorce a no no. He wants to be married, start a family and has changed the dynamics of the A. Less texting, switched jobs (we worked together), moved out of the town we both lived in (wife's choice) and we rarely see each other. He claims this is not what he WANTS but what he has to do to keep a dday from occurring. I have no idea if this is true. I think he wants his cake and eat it to. Play happy loving husband at home but have the chance to have sex with me on the side. We have never talked about leaving our spouses for each other and I have obviously taken what was meant to be a "casual fling" to another level with my girly, romantic feelings. He is actually not someone I would typically be drawn to but I do feel some connection here and we have tried to stop a couple of times. We always end up back with me just accepting it the way it is and him getting what he wants. I would like to go NC and see if I can do it so that I can end this A which has not brought me much happiness as of late. Has anyone tried to do this while maintaining their home life??? It's like a heartwrenching teen-age break up WHILE being a mom/wife/full time employee, etc. etc. i.e. not a lot of time/space for the emotional break down I am about to experience....any advice? And sorry, it was long! Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted December 30, 2013 Share Posted December 30, 2013 Wait...You can't get divorced because you are Catholic, but you can cheat on your husband with a married man? You are one confused woman. You should be divorced. Your husband deserves better, especially if HE is Catholic. Your kids will cope with it. And yes, I've dealt with heartbreak while being a mom. It isn't good and you need to put yourself last. I will never get myself into such a mess again. I hope you get yourself a large dose of honesty and heal from this self imposed hell you are in. 17 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted December 30, 2013 Share Posted December 30, 2013 When the affair is not fun it is time to get out. Tell him what you feeling and see how he responds. Make your decision from there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tchrgrl Posted December 30, 2013 Author Share Posted December 30, 2013 Realist3, the A has not been fun since he has instituted all these changes. I have shared with him that I need more contact/affection etc. and he tells me it is not about what he wants to do for me but what he is able to do based on his current situation with his wife. I guess after reading some other posts on other threads, when the two people having the A want different things, it will not work out -just lots of drama and back and forth. It's like an addiction so not so easy to just walk away. Like any struggling relationship you invest in, you hope it will change or go back to the way it was. Link to post Share on other sites
Cocochai Posted December 30, 2013 Share Posted December 30, 2013 I think what your trying to say is... Your starting to feel used in your A. If that's the case, your always going to have problems until he starts to consider your feelings. I maybe wrong but that's how I'm reading it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted December 30, 2013 Share Posted December 30, 2013 Realist3, the A has not been fun since he has instituted all these changes. I have shared with him that I need more contact/affection etc. and he tells me it is not about what he wants to do for me but what he is able to do based on his current situation with his wife. I guess after reading some other posts on other threads, when the two people having the A want different things, it will not work out -just lots of drama and back and forth. It's like an addiction so not so easy to just walk away. Like any struggling relationship you invest in, you hope it will change or go back to the way it was. Yes, when one AP changes the rules are guidelines it will create strife, and likely lead to the end of the affair. You can either accept those changes, continue feeling like you do, or end it. He has made the decision that is best for him right now, you can't change that. Maybe it will go back, but that is a huge unknown. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tchrgrl Posted December 30, 2013 Author Share Posted December 30, 2013 at Cocochai.....I DO feel used in the A many days and wonder I would stick it out. But then I remember some tender moment between us or I think that I wouldn't be stupid enough to risk EVERYTHING for someone who doesn't really care for me, just uses me.....I'm sure there are thousands of posts by people who were used and too blind to see it. I am struggling to see it : ( Link to post Share on other sites
Author tchrgrl Posted December 30, 2013 Author Share Posted December 30, 2013 At Realist3, yes the rule changing is causing lots of hurt feelings for me and I guess I need to make a decision. He is away for the break with his wife and has had limited contact with me. I expect to hear from him when he gets back and wonder if I should just ignore him and just force NC??? I know deep down I would be doing this to test his feelings for me, not because I am ready for it to be over.....so obvious to me but feel like it's out of my control! Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted December 30, 2013 Share Posted December 30, 2013 (edited) That is a rough place to be and I am sorry for that. I am also of the opinion that if the unhappiness outweighs the happy times it is time to move on. If you plan to stay in your M you should take this time to reevaluate and try to truly reengage your husband. I don't see the point of continuing the A if it is unhappy. Of course it wont be easy at first. Hang in there and be kind to yourself. I dont believe we should ever put ourselves last. Just because you are being good to yourself that does not indicate that you are not caring for your family. Self love is crucial to our happiness as human beings. I hope you do what is best for you. Chin up. Edited December 30, 2013 by goodyblue 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted December 30, 2013 Share Posted December 30, 2013 At Realist3, yes the rule changing is causing lots of hurt feelings for me and I guess I need to make a decision. He is away for the break with his wife and has had limited contact with me. I expect to hear from him when he gets back and wonder if I should just ignore him and just force NC??? I know deep down I would be doing this to test his feelings for me, not because I am ready for it to be over.....so obvious to me but feel like it's out of my control! Contact him if you so wish. I would never suggest a decision on NC as a means of a testing the AP. Just be upfront. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tchrgrl Posted December 30, 2013 Author Share Posted December 30, 2013 At Goodyblue.....THANK YOU!!!!!!! This is why I come here....your words were just what I needed today Link to post Share on other sites
Author tchrgrl Posted December 30, 2013 Author Share Posted December 30, 2013 I think I am so frustrated lately and hurt that telling him for the 100th time will not change things and usually makes him say something hurtful to me. This makes me think that the cold turkey NC might be the right course of action but I know myself well enough to know that if he presses, I will reply. I am in a very bad place right now....thank you all for listening and replying. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruffian1 Posted December 30, 2013 Share Posted December 30, 2013 I would be divorced in a minute So I guess you do not love your husband. Do him a favor and tell him. Give him a chance to find true love as you have done. As for the kids, it is called co-parenting. Would you want to be deceived by your spouse? Oh, and that Catholic thing, your husband has the right to divorce YOU for adultery. So then it won't be on you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
tryingto Posted December 30, 2013 Share Posted December 30, 2013 I expect to hear from him when he gets back and wonder if I should just ignore him and just force NC??? I know deep down I would be doing this to test his feelings for me, not because I am ready for it to be over.....so obvious to me but feel like it's out of my control! tchrgrl, First and foremost I am so sorry you are hurting... I agree with other posters who say when the A (or any relationship) no longer contributes to your life and happiness it is time to move on. I also know how much easier that is said than done... My only advice to you is please do not use NC as a manipulation tactic. If you impose NC and try to end the A before you are ready, you will not follow through. You will allow contact to be re-established and then he will just see you as weak and without any self-respect. You will know when you are ready to end the A and from what it sounds it's possibly not too far off. When you are truly ready for it to be over, use NC for YOU so that you can heal and move on from him....do NOT use it in the hopes of trying to force a reaction from HIM! Just my two cents. Please hang in there. Take it from someone who has been there, it does get better, you just have to make decisions to make it better!!! (((hugs))) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cocochai Posted December 30, 2013 Share Posted December 30, 2013 at Cocochai.....I DO feel used in the A many days and wonder I would stick it out. But then I remember some tender moment between us or I think that I wouldn't be stupid enough to risk EVERYTHING for someone who doesn't really care for me, just uses me.....I'm sure there are thousands of posts by people who were used and too blind to see it. I am struggling to see it : ( This is exactly why I decided to end mines recently... If the MM was willing to be fair i may actually play along even if he did I'd prob want even more. Something I could never get as long as he's M. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tchrgrl Posted December 30, 2013 Author Share Posted December 30, 2013 Thank you tryingto, I appreciate your understanding and value your two cents! I am trying to take your advice about the NC, I know you are right. Cocochai, you were smart to realize that you would never get what you want and deserve from someone who is married. I am living proof of that, good luck to you! Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 (edited) I would like to go NC and see if I can do it so that I can end this A which has not brought me much happiness as of late. by the looks of it, you're only considering the advice that furthers your happiness..... to further your content in an otherwise stale marriage, i suppose. i say this because what happens when you feel this way again..... another affair to quicken you once more? have you delved into the reason why you're not happy in your marriage? does your husband feel the same? have you even brought up this issue with your husband? you're placing a band-aid on a cancerous lesion here- not gonna work. it's clear that you're not happy in your current situation, and by your own admission you'd be done if not for your kids. if this is so, "staying for the kids" is not an excuse to unilaterally check-out of your marriage and have an affair. also, resorting to your Catholic beliefs as a reason for not going for a divorce is rather cowardly. you didn't think about said beliefs upon entering into an affair, right? why would they come into play now. i'm not trying to bash you here, just making some inquiries concerning your thought process. i could easily tell you to keep the "status quo," but what good would that do you if you truly want to end this crazy cycle. Edited December 31, 2013 by Artie Lang 5 Link to post Share on other sites
vanellope Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 I think he wants his cake and eat it to. Play happy loving husband at home but have the chance to have sex with me on the side. you are having your cake and eat it too, don't you? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
blue963 Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 Well you kinda are bashing. Sometimes they are circumstances that go much deeper than can be explained. She came here asking questions to try to figure out her thought processes, not to hear how terrible she is. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tchrgrl Posted December 31, 2013 Author Share Posted December 31, 2013 I get that it seems strange I would pull the religious beliefs card about divorce and not the affair. I obviously know the affair is very wrong, I don't feel like divorce is an option right now for many reasons. What I'm doing is a band aid I guess and it appears I'm having my cake/eating it too but living a double life full of disappointment while feeling trapped is hardly a great life.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 (edited) living a double life full of disappointment while feeling trapped is hardly a great life.... exactly my point..... what are you prepared to do? I get that it seems strange I would pull the religious beliefs card about divorce and not the affair. not strange..... it sounds hypocritical, is all. does your husband know about your feelings regarding your unhappiness? have you considered counseling at any point? you can't just say to yourself- "I'm gonna go NC and hope things change for the better." Edited December 31, 2013 by Artie Lang 2 Link to post Share on other sites
blue963 Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 The bandaid solution works for a while, but eventually it to causes pain. Hope you can figure out what is best for you. Not going to give advice because we truly dont know the depth of everything that is going on and what you are feeling. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Snipercatt Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 What I'm doing is a band aid I guess and it appears I'm having my cake/eating it too but living a double life full of disappointment while feeling trapped is hardly a great life.... Who is in control of that? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tchrgrl Posted December 31, 2013 Author Share Posted December 31, 2013 My husband does know about my not wanting to be married any longer, he also is aware I do not want to leave for fear of the impact it will have on my children. He was not willing to go to MC years ago so I went to IC, didn't really do much for me in regards to the feelings of being trapped etc. I do know that I am in control of this but anyone who has had a long running affair where the attachment has gotten strong, you tend to feel like you've lost all control..... Link to post Share on other sites
Shhhlonely Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 My husband does know about my not wanting to be married any longer, he also is aware I do not want to leave for fear of the impact it will have on my children. He was not willing to go to MC years ago so I went to IC, didn't really do much for me in regards to the feelings of being trapped etc. I do know that I am in control of this but anyone who has had a long running affair where the attachment has gotten strong, you tend to feel like you've lost all control..... hello I've never posted but have read for several months. I am a MOW in what I consider a long term affair with a MOM. Just as you my MOM has no children and I do. I agree that when an attachment is established and contact is daily, that the highs and lows make one feel like they have zero control. Add that craziness to a home life where you are basically numb and it is a dangerous crazy making cocktail. Just wanted to give my two cents and to let you know you aren't alone. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts