absolutely crushed....

[tchrgrl]

Wow Shhhlonely, thank you for knowing the hell I am in and for posting! It is reassuring to know I am not the only one drinking this "crazy making cocktail"! It is very hard when the two AP are in different places. I understand that my MOM wants a family and I want him to have that while at the same time, I expect him to only want me. He has been very upfront, almost cruel about what he wants from this and because my home life is so numb, I accept the scraps he now gives me. It started off as more of a honeymoon phase with lots of contact but he has pulled way back. He states this is because he needs to focus on his life and starting a family and that his feelings haven't changed for me. I'm a big believer that actions speak louder than words. I feel absolutely CRAZY most days and can't believe I can compartmentalize my life like this....I hope you are doing well in your situation.

[BehindTheseHazelEyes]

Wow Shhhlonely, thank you for knowing the hell I am in and for posting! It is reassuring to know I am not the only one drinking this "crazy making cocktail"! It is very hard when the two AP are in different places. I understand that my MOM wants a family and I want him to have that while at the same time, I expect him to only want me. He has been very upfront, almost cruel about what he wants from this and because my home life is so numb, I accept the scraps he now gives me. It started off as more of a honeymoon phase with lots of contact but he has pulled way back. He states this is because he needs to focus on his life and starting a family and that his feelings haven't changed for me. I'm a big believer that actions speak louder than words. I feel absolutely CRAZY most days and can't believe I can compartmentalize my life like this....I hope you are doing well in your situation.

 

 

Why are accepting scraps in both your relationships???

 

 

Your AP is TELLING you that you are not a priority and is being very cruel and upfront about it. Why are you rewarding his bad behavior? He's telling you he wants to end the affair and you are not getting it. His actions and words are telling you he wants his M and not the A. Don't be his doormat. Go no contact. If you're going to have an affair, at least get what you need out of it.

[tchrgrl]

He doesn't want to end the A, he just wants it on his terms.....he actually told me that if he were to move away for 7 years and call me twice during those 7 years and then move back, we should be able to pick up right where we left off!!!! I'm not sure why I'm accepting scraps, hard to let go completely I guess. I have not heard from him since Chrsitmas day so almost a week now of NC....I have never been one to have regrets in life but had I known how this would have turned out and the pain associated with it, NEVER would would have done it

[BehindTheseHazelEyes]

It means that he doesn't respect you and he controls the relationship. Why is that ok with you? If you're going to risk your M, shouldn't it be for something worth the risk? Not someone who thinks so little of you that he would expect you to offer up a booty call in 7 years if he called? That is just rude of him and you should be mad not depressed.

[irresolute]

Let this one go. You two are in different places indeed.

Nc is hard. First two weeks you'll feel like you can't cope. I spent many days in bed feeling awful. Then you'll gradually get better. Two months you'll feel yourself again.

You can do it.

[Cocochai]

Why are accepting scraps in both your relationships???

 

 

Your AP is TELLING you that you are not a priority and is being very cruel and upfront about it. Why are you rewarding his bad behavior? He's telling you he wants to end the affair and you are not getting it. His actions and words are telling you he wants his M and not the A. Don't be his doormat. Go no contact. If you're going to have an affair, at least get what you need out of it.

 

I'm coming to terms with this as well... The truth hurts but that's the reality of how it seems your A is. If I were in your shoes.. I'd either work on the M or end both. Right now your A is one sided.

[Daisy2013]

. Have not been on this forum in a very long time and will try to keep it brief. I forget some of the acronyms for things too, so sorry if it seems wordy! I am MW seeing a MM for almost 2 years now. We started the A when he was engaged and I had been married for over 10 years. I have children, he does not. I am 8 yrs older than him and we are in very different places in our marriages. I would be divorced in a minute if I didn't have 3 kids whom I worry very much about and I'm rather Catholic which makes divorce a no no. He wants to be married, start a family and has changed the dynamics of the A. Less texting, switched jobs (we worked together), moved out of the town we both lived in (wife's choice) and we rarely see each other. He claims this is not what he WANTS but what he has to do to keep a dday from occurring. I have no idea if this is true. I think he wants his cake and eat it to. Play happy loving husband at home but have the chance to have sex with me on the side. We have never talked about leaving our spouses for each other and I have obviously taken what was meant to be a "casual fling" to another level with my girly, romantic feelings. He is actually not someone I would typically be drawn to but I do feel some connection here and we have tried to stop a couple of times. We always end up back with me just accepting it the way it is and him getting what he wants. I would like to go NC and see if I can do it so that I can end this A which has not brought me much happiness as of late.

Has anyone tried to do this while maintaining their home life??? It's like a heartwrenching teen-age break up WHILE being a mom/wife/full time employee, etc. etc. i.e. not a lot of time/space for the emotional break down I am about to experience....any advice? And sorry, it was long!

 

Yes, I've been there...am there. Much similarity. It is difficult to grieve the A when you are married, therefore, harder to heal and move on. I shut down. I cried going to sleep and when waking up, those times I was alone. I began telling myself "it doesn't matter" when I'd recall his words of how he loves me and still tells me he loves me. I'd tell myself "it doesn't matter" what is going on at his home, as it really didn't ... It wasn't my business. Those words helped me because none of it "mattered" regardless of feelings.

 

Of course, my M is bad and no real R with H. So because we are like 2 ships in the night passing anyway, my grieving and shutting down wasn't as hard as if in real M. But, it was still hard because I had to keep my pain inside, and be a good mom, when all I wanted to do was die. And the pain was likely worse because I truly felt the loneliness of missing him and what he'd given to me, something I'd never had.

 

You will get past it. Tell yourself "it doesn't matter" and keep repeating. In the end, they aren't with us, that's all that matters.

[tchrgrl]

[/b]

 

Yes, I've been there...am there. Much similarity. It is difficult to grieve the A when you are married, therefore, harder to heal and move on. I shut down. I cried going to sleep and when waking up, those times I was alone. I began telling myself "it doesn't matter" when I'd recall his words of how he loves me and still tells me he loves me. I'd tell myself "it doesn't matter" what is going on at his home, as it really didn't ... It wasn't my business. Those words helped me because none of it "mattered" regardless of feelings.

 

Of course, my M is bad and no real R with H. So because we are like 2 ships in the night passing anyway, my grieving and shutting down wasn't as hard as if in real M. But, it was still hard because I had to keep my pain inside, and be a good mom, when all I wanted to do was die. And the pain was likely worse because I truly felt the loneliness of missing him and what he'd given to me, something I'd never had.

 

You will get past it. Tell yourself "it doesn't matter" and keep repeating. In the end, they aren't with us, that's all that matters.

 

 

Daisy, it sounds like my life exactly. I will try the mantra "it doesn't matter" and I guess I will try to focus on my children as a distraction. My husband has no idea that I am dying on the inside. Being such a great actress while your heart is breaking is really exhausting....

 

 

Good luck Cocochai and irresolute, I appreciate the fact that maybe I will start to feel normal. Behindthesehazel eyes, I know you are right, hard to hear but so right. Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply, it truly helps!

[blue963]

When you are in a marriage and going thru this I think it is much harder. You have to act "normal" and because you were able to see there are possibilities for a relationship it does make it so much harder to be in the marriage because it is right in your face how much is wrong and missing.

[tchrgrl]

When you are in a marriage and going thru this I think it is much harder. You have to act "normal" and because you were able to see there are possibilities for a relationship it does make it so much harder to be in the marriage because it is right in your face how much is wrong and missing.

 

 

Gosh Blue, this is so dead on! I'm doing okay with the acting normal part as my husband and I sort of exist as roommates raising children but the true sadness comes from coming that I am able to be in love and how much I am missing...how does someone really cope with that realization?? I guess they take a risk and get divorced, hoping to recapture that feeling with someone who is actually available! I just am not in that place to make the move : (

Edited January 1, 2014 by tchrgrl
typo

[beach]

Do you think if he stays away a long time - you'd just fill the void and find another OM?

[tchrgrl]

Gosh, I don't know....knowing how much it hurts in the end, I hope I wouldn't. The question is how long can someone go without feeling loved??

[Shhhlonely]

Gosh, I don't know....knowing how much it hurts in the end, I hope I wouldn't. The question is how long can someone go without feeling loved??

 

I think the question isn't how long can one go without feeling loved? It more how long can one go without having love for them self? I married very young and never really felt strong or love for myself. This allowed me to take whatever my spouse dished out as that is what I felt I deserved. My MOM is the exact opposite of my spouse, he is considerate, consistent and controlled. I can't say I get scraps from him but lately I've sort of discovered that I need to pull back a bit as the living in two worlds is tiring.

 

I need to find a way to feel love for myself. How? That is my question...

[Pushing Forward]

Similar situation here. I'm M with an OM who was a MOM but is separated and had a new GF who turned into a stalker ex. Ugh.. As far as the being a mom and wife and holding your feelings inside, I truly know what you mean. We've been talking about the NC thing and trying to end our A because it's not fair to him trying/wanting to move on. I just can't fathom him not in my life and I have to hide all my anxiety and sadness for my H and children.

 

My M is not in the same boat as yours so I think I have it better at home, but it doesn't sop me from grieving for my OM when I think the end is near. We've had a lot of talks lately and it seems there have been a lot of misunderstandings as well. I thought he wanted to go NC but he said that's not what he meant. He said we should end the PA at least but also said he wouldn't turn me down if we were to meet up. So, it's an emotional roller coaster and for a couple days I really thought we were done and not talking anymore. I was devastated and trying to not let my family see it. I stayed in bed most of Saturday because of it.

 

Then he comes back around and we talk all day yesterday into the early evening but then he doesn't text back Happy New Year saying his phone battery died even though he had texted me just before saying where he was. I over analyze everything and I really wish I could just end it and move on. I just don't know how to deal with the pain and loss.

[Rollercoaster Rider]

Yes, when one AP changes the rules are guidelines it will create strife, and likely lead to the end of the affair. You can either accept those changes, continue feeling like you do, or end it. He has made the decision that is best for him right now, you can't change that.

 

Maybe it will go back, but that is a huge unknown.

So true... the rules change on one side and it sucks!! Unlikely it will go back to the way it was, in my case it did not. It only got more and more distant. It sucked, and there was nothing I could do. He is doing what he needs to...SELFISH. I would go NC... better now then continue to let him bring you down. It is very hard... I'm going through it now. I have to keep it together when my BH is home, but with time it has to get better. Good luck :-)

[Lady2163]

I just love it when someone is critical of another's religious beliefs without knowing all the facts.

 

My ex-husband was neglectful. I cheated three times in our marriage. Twice when we were separated and once before the divorce was final. Filed, but not final.

 

When it came time to do the annulment process, I just unloaded on the priest. After listening to me, the priest simply said, "He was unfaithful". I was confused and said I didn't think he had ever cheated on me.

 

My ex-husband was not happy with that description and when we met with the priest together he asked him, "did you pass by within 100 miles of her fathers funeral while supposedly happily married and fail to call or stop or make arrangements to attend?" (he was a truck driver and we lived in Massachusetts, but my family was from the Central time zone)

 

My ex-husband sputtered and had the balls to say, " Well, yes, but I didn't want to go to the funeral."

 

The priest then asked him about two other incidents I had described. Again, my ex confirmed the details and his reasons were again selfish.

 

Finally, the priest said, "Do you really think you have been faithful to the vows you took to love, honor and cherish your wife?"

 

He was indignant and said, "But she had an affair with John Doe."

 

I was able to look at the priest and honestly say, "I did not have an affair at any time with John Doe."

 

Had he been smarter and asked, "did you ever have an affair?" that may have changed the priests perception.

 

So while adultery is wrong, I'm not going to do a snap judgment that the husband has followed all of his vows to the letter that the Catholic Church expects. I believe there are worse things than adultery in a marriage.

[vanellope]

Similar situation here. I'm M with an OM who was a MOM but is separated and had a new GF who turned into a stalker ex. Ugh.. As far as the being a mom and wife and holding your feelings inside, I truly know what you mean. We've been talking about the NC thing and trying to end our A because it's not fair to him trying/wanting to move on. I just can't fathom him not in my life and I have to hide all my anxiety and sadness for my H and children.

 

My M is not in the same boat as yours so I think I have it better at home, but it doesn't sop me from grieving for my OM when I think the end is near. We've had a lot of talks lately and it seems there have been a lot of misunderstandings as well. I thought he wanted to go NC but he said that's not what he meant. He said we should end the PA at least but also said he wouldn't turn me down if we were to meet up. So, it's an emotional roller coaster and for a couple days I really thought we were done and not talking anymore. I was devastated and trying to not let my family see it. I stayed in bed most of Saturday because of it.

 

Then he comes back around and we talk all day yesterday into the early evening but then he doesn't text back Happy New Year saying his phone battery died even though he had texted me just before saying where he was. I over analyze everything and I really wish I could just end it and move on. I just don't know how to deal with the pain and loss.

 

everytime I see this situation I just wondering, do you love your husband or OM?

 

If you love your husband, it should be easy for you to leave the OM and focus on build the life with your husband.

 

If you love OM, why not divorce and build a new life with him and try to find a way to let your husband and kids hurt less.

 

I don't understand really.

[tchrgrl]

I am sorry for those of you (including myself) who are struggling with the pain and loss all while trying to love yourself and have some self-respect. The Catholic thing is tough when you are raised to believe that divorce is not an option. I do love the MOM and my husband -yes, I believe you can love more than one person. I no longer have romantic feelings for my husband and my AP wants to stay married so I really am screwed. MOM texted me a generic text yesterday and I have chosen to ignore it. Trying to be disgusted and apathetic versus broken hearted and sad....NC feels like a slow agonizing death. I want to throw my phone out the window so I won't check it every 42 seconds

[blue963]

I will never do this to myself again (have an affair). It has had so many positives, but it has had so many negatives. The worst part is that you can't tell anyone and you have no one there to support you. My heart has not been in my marriage for many years. It has nothing to do with the MOM. It has to do with choices my partner has made that are not in line for the good of our family and children. Unfortunately, because of a family members illness I have other responsiblities and cannot support myself fully with a divorce.

[tchrgrl]

Blue963, I know exactly what you mean and that's why these boards are helpful to just get it out and vent. No one knows about my situation either. My heart is not in my marriage and I can honestly say I don't know if I would choose my AP if we were both single!!!!! So strange to me. I get you on the financial situation and divorce. I love when everyone tells you to get divorced on here without thinking about the consequences like family and finances. I would love to just snap my fingers and make this all better and be able to be happy but my life has turned out a certain way and I am trying to just accept it. Good luck to you

[soundsfamilar]

tchrgrl and blue963: ditto and ditto… good luck to both of you.

[Pushing Forward]

everytime I see this situation I just wondering, do you love your husband or OM?

 

If you love your husband, it should be easy for you to leave the OM and focus on build the life with your husband.

 

If you love OM, why not divorce and build a new life with him and try to find a way to let your husband and kids hurt less.

 

I don't understand really.

Sorry, this isn't my thread but I wanted to answer this.. Just because I love my H doesn't make it easy to leave the OM. I love him too. I don't think I could ever leave and do that to my husband and children. I come from several broken homes and it was devastating to me. I can't do it. I'm also not sure a new life with him would work. As much as I *think* we love each other there are so many obstacles..his family, my family, (they know each other)..Thank you though.

[tchrgrl]

Thank you soundsfamiliar, best wishes for you too! And Pushing Forward, I know what you mean about the broken home and the impact on your kids. I came from a broken home as well and would hate to inflict that on MY kids. I doubt that a new life with my AP would work as trusting him would be pretty hard and I can't even imagine the cold reception he would receive from my friends, family and most importantly my children. It's just bad all around...unless I'm in the moment! And look where that has gotten me....

I hope you are feeling better soon!

[vanellope]

Sorry, this isn't my thread but I wanted to answer this.. Just because I love my H doesn't make it easy to leave the OM. I love him too. I don't think I could ever leave and do that to my husband and children. I come from several broken homes and it was devastating to me. I can't do it. I'm also not sure a new life with him would work. As much as I *think* we love each other there are so many obstacles..his family, my family, (they know each other)..Thank you though.

 

if you are not married and no kids with your current partner, will you choose to be with OM?

[Artie Lang]

so what many of you are basically saying is that having an affair is much easier than ending things in a dignified manner and staring over, correct?

 

at least that's what i'm getting from those that can't/won't divorce for one reason or another.

 

 

I believe there are worse things than adultery in a marriage.

 

i've heard it said that other than losing a loved one, nothing is worse than the pain of infidelity. if you don't believe it just ask those that have been cheated-on.