absolutely crushed....

[Goodbye]

I think that was the case with my exMM...easier than divorce. Also extremely selfish.

[wanting more]

I don't understand when someone talks About how they're not happy in the A but won't leave or end it.

 

People come on here and talk about the highs of the A. And I know the highs are normally pretty high!! And fun. And exciting. But if there's not that element to the A, why stay? Why wait for his call? He moved and switched jobs. Isn't that enough to know this is going no where. Except to his bed when he's ready.

 

You've got a H and kids at home. You need to decide what you're going to do for you. Not financially stable on your own? Work on Changing that. You can't sit around wanting more from him when he's made it clear there will be never be more. Work on yourself. Your self esteem.

 

( and please don't throw "I'm Catholic, divorce is a no no". That's such a cop out)

[Lady2163]

so what many of you are basically saying is that having an affair is much easier than ending things in a dignified manner and staring over, correct?

 

at least that's what i'm getting from those that can't/won't divorce for one reason or another.

 

 

 

 

i've heard it said that other than losing a loved one, nothing is worse than the pain of infidelity. if you don't believe it just ask those that have been cheated-on.

 

Well, my husband was horribly neglectful as were a couple of boyfriends. I'm pretty sure my husband didn't cheat, but I have been cheated on. It took a lot longer to recover from the neglect. I think if I went into details much of my reaction to the neglect would sound like a woman who has dealt with and wandering husband.

 

Conservative Christians like Catholics are often innundated from an early age about the evils of divorce and sin. This causes guilt and the Catholic Church and schools have spent many years cultivating that guilt to control raging hormones. I'm Catholic by choice, chose it as an adult. I don't have the guilt complex many lifelong Catholics do. I'm divorced, but not annulled. I take communion, I have been to Confession one time in 1 time...in 1991.

 

I'm a bad Catholic. I should feel guilty about it. But that doesn't mean I don't believe the core values.

 

I would venture to say before the OP was 18, she had heard divorce was wrong over 2000 times. That figure increases if she went to Catholic school.

 

It is almost a subtle brainwashing in my opinion.

 

I had a progressive priest that pointed out my ex-husband did not live up to the vows he took (neither did I). OP may never have encountered a progressive church leader.

[Lady2163]

I hear what you're saying. I was raised Catholic, the whole parochial K-12 thing, I get it. Thing is, adultery was also one of the big ones that were discussed. It all seems hypocritical to throw in the whole "catholic guilt" argument when discussing divorce. Where were those same convictions when contemplating and ultimately engaging in adultery?

 

In my opinion only, a lot of times I think the conservative heterosexual sex "rules" for the Catholic Church are going the way of a lot of Old Testament rules.

 

We mix our fabrics

We eat pork

We eat shellfish

Haven't heard of a father stoning his daughter to death because she wasn't a virgin on her wedding night lately.

 

Biological urges trump religion?

Adultery (unless caught) the actual sex is between two people. Divorce affects others.

[PurpleCardigan]

I would love to just snap my fingers and make this all better and be able to be happy but my life has turned out a certain way and I am trying to just accept it.

 

Tchrgrl,

 

I struggle so much with what you've said here and I was wondering if you could explain it a bit. I'm not looking to judge just curious. In particular the "my life has turned out a certain way and I am just trying to accept it". It sounds so defeatist to me. Don't you want to change it and live a better life? Is it the fear of the hard work or general failure that keeps you stuck? Something else?

 

As background, I get something similar from my exAP...which is he is so unhappy but he just accepts it as he doesn't want to leave for his kid as he was from a broken home (or that's his excuse).

 

If you could help me understand, I'd appreciate it! If you can't answer, I understand, too.

[tchrgrl]

Tchrgrl,

 

I struggle so much with what you've said here and I was wondering if you could explain it a bit. I'm not looking to judge just curious. In particular the "my life has turned out a certain way and I am just trying to accept it". It sounds so defeatist to me. Don't you want to change it and live a better life? Is it the fear of the hard work or general failure that keeps you stuck? Something else?

 

As background, I get something similar from my exAP...which is he is so unhappy but he just accepts it as he doesn't want to leave for his kid as he was from a broken home (or that's his excuse).

 

If you could help me understand, I'd appreciate it! If you can't answer, I understand, too.

 

Sorry purplecardigan, just saw this! I'm sure it sounds defeatist. There are days I think I might be able to change my situation and have a chance at happiness but I'm guilted by the fact that my happiness will create major unhappiness for many others especially my children. If I had some guarantee that the A would be some perfect, lasting relationship, I might make a change but I don't see that happening-he does not want to leave his wife. I am forced to accept the situation for it is/was.....

[PurpleCardigan]

Sorry purplecardigan, just saw this! I'm sure it sounds defeatist. There are days I think I might be able to change my situation and have a chance at happiness but I'm guilted by the fact that my happiness will create major unhappiness for many others especially my children. If I had some guarantee that the A would be some perfect, lasting relationship, I might make a change but I don't see that happening-he does not want to leave his wife. I am forced to accept the situation for it is/was.....

 

 

Thank you for responding! That's helpful to read, especially the part that your happiness will create unhappiness for others. I hadn't thought of that...although I should have.

[Scott Thomas]

It's actually quite simple-they love the Spouse enough to live with them, provided that he spouse earns well bough, but this love doesn't extend to keeping their marriage vows. You can call it cake-eating, or 'not leaving your spouse because it's a bit inconvenient. For someone who wouldn't stay faithful, why go through the trouble of divorcing your poor spouse and finding another person? However, this normally ends with the A being discovered.

At least this is what me experience taught me.

Edited January 22, 2014 by Scott Thomas

[MissBee]

you are having your cake and eat it too, don't you?

 

I have to agree here tchrgrl. This is not a "bash", it's just pointing out that in trying to understand your MM, you could look at yourself for the explanation, as you're doing the same thing as he is, so if you know why you're doing it, you'll have insight as to why he is.

 

Having an affair is easier for you than being forthright/working on your marriage and you'r getting pleasure on the side while keeping your marriage in tact aka cake eating. So was he. He was cheating before he even got married, I haven't a clue why he still got married, but he did and was fine with it all and having it both ways too. You say he wants to be married and have pleasure with you on the side...isn't that more or less what two people who are married and in an affair are doing? That's what you're doing and so is he. Or do you want it to be where he has some form of emotional or other commitment to you?

 

Now, it seems as you've said that he may want to have an honest go at his marriage or he's tired of living this way and is ready to do something differently. Of course, you're not on the same page so it's upsetting to you as it's not your choice, but all you can do is honor that and back off and also figure out how to deal with your marriage and your own unhappiness in the long run vs. the short term A solution.

 

The problem with an A is that it is so confusing and crazy "to fix" as you're trying to fix an inherently problematic situation. I am always confused when people try to fix the A without addressing that so much other stuff is wrong and the A isn't in a vacuum by itself but teeters very precariously atop two people's commitments, esp when the two are married. When both are married and cheating and not leaving and are on the same page with their demands/wants it can be stable but if one person wants more or has different requirements it will not work and it seems this is what it has come down to and you may have to be okay with accepting that.

Edited January 22, 2014 by MissBee

[chameleongirl]

tchrgrl, I can empathize with what you are going through. I'm a MOW, with a family, seeing a MOM for almost two years when suddenly he went NC. I'm going through a grieving process, or at least the beginning stages of it, I think.

 

Being in a loveless marriage is very hard. My marriage isn't entirely loveless; there is care and concern, but it's very detached and routine. There is no intimacy at all, and that is the worst part. Grieving the loss of someone in your life that was filling a void is hard to do when it has to be done in secret. My reason for not divorcing or separating is very complicated, and there is a bit of a "don't ask/don't tell" element to our relationship.

 

I'm definitely sympathetic to your situation. I think (and know from previous situations), that in time the sense of loss with fade.

[tchrgrl]

Thank you chameleongirl...your response is the reason I came here. I appreciate knowing that others know what I am going through and that eventually the pain will lessen. These situations are very isolating and coming here is not for judgement disguised as advice or for people to commend my awful behavior. I'm sorry you are going through the same thing, good luck to you as I understand how hard that void is to fill.....

[Appreciate]

Adultery (unless caught) the actual sex is between two people. Divorce affects others.

 

100% wrong, and you're in denial.

 

If you re-read the posts on this very thread, you will how MOW's speak about the highs and lows of the A causing numbness, depression and irritability. They have to put on a "normal" face for their family, and spend many hours away from their family in order to sustain the A.

 

Affairs are destructive. For everyone involved, including the APs.

[Scott Thomas]

Dear Tchrgirl,

 

Since I've been in your shoes, I understand what you're going through (I've actually been on both sides of the fence).

 

What exactly are you looking for in this affair?

If you're hoping to continue this affair then I'll state, from my experience, that this is a rather unrealistic desire.

If you're looking for a commitment from the OM then I hate to bust your bubble but he married the woman he loves, though he doesn't really mind some no-commitment sex on the side.

 

I realize that you might not like some of the posts here. However, do continue posting. I for one, would be more than happy to help you.

[herself]

Tchr just hope your doing ok.

I know first hand the pain of the hot cold, the sudden pulling away, the feeling used.

Its all very emotional and cutting it off is SO hard...you love him.

I am at day 16 of NC.

Each day is hard as I am married & work 2 jobs.

Ive stopped crying. But when i was visibly shaken, hurting and crying I told my husband it was depression. Thats all I could do to not have to hide my crying.

I initiated NC and I am healing. I miss him every minute but I dont miss the stress and worry of losing him now. I find some peace in that.

You can end this if you want to. But then you must block evety path to communication.

I know you can when your ready.

[sunburned]

I have not been on this forum in a very long time and will try to keep it brief. I forget some of the acronyms for things too, so sorry if it seems wordy!

I am MW seeing a MM for almost 2 years now. We started the A when he was engaged and I had been married for over 10 years. I have children, he does not. I am 8 yrs older than him and we are in very different places in our marriages. I would be divorced in a minute if I didn't have 3 kids whom I worry very much about and I'm rather Catholic which makes divorce a no no. He wants to be married, start a family and has changed the dynamics of the A. Less texting, switched jobs (we worked together), moved out of the town we both lived in (wife's choice) and we rarely see each other. He claims this is not what he WANTS but what he has to do to keep a dday from occurring. I have no idea if this is true. I think he wants his cake and eat it to. Play happy loving husband at home but have the chance to have sex with me on the side. We have never talked about leaving our spouses for each other and I have obviously taken what was meant to be a "casual fling" to another level with my girly, romantic feelings. He is actually not someone I would typically be drawn to but I do feel some connection here and we have tried to stop a couple of times. We always end up back with me just accepting it the way it is and him getting what he wants. I would like to go NC and see if I can do it so that I can end this A which has not brought me much happiness as of late.

Has anyone tried to do this while maintaining their home life??? It's like a heartwrenching teen-age break up WHILE being a mom/wife/full time employee, etc. etc. i.e. not a lot of time/space for the emotional break down I am about to experience....any advice? And sorry, it was long!

Well, I am sending you a virtual hug no matter what LeGenDary says! You only get a high five once you start NC though!

 

 

My sitch had some similarities (see what's boldfaced). One of the reasons it's so hard is because it's a situation that never should have happened. I am a former WW/MOW who had an A with a MM. After months of lavishing me with attention (ILYs, can't live w/o u's, you are so special to me, etc), he suddenly pulled back. Said he was afraid of getting caught and wouldn't be texting, etc. as often. Well, what was the point of an EA if we couldn't communicate? I was crushed. But I came to understand all that flattering communication was just a drug (thanks, loveshack). I was disappointed in myself to learn I'd become an addict of sorts.

 

 

We'd been friends for about 10 years before it turned into an EA after we started spending more time together due to a shared activity between two of our children. The EA lasted 6 mos with the last two being physical but no sex -- just a line I didn't want to cross. He didn't want to end it entirely (I think he was hoping I eventually would cross that line), but I saw the writing on the wall and went NC. Since I didn't really want the A to end at the time, the NC was more self preservation.

 

 

While I was in the A, I had to justify it in my little brain so I rewrote history to make my marital problems seem worse than they were. Going NC was so hard as I missed him so much. It made me resent my H and basically check out of my life as a wife and mother in the early weeks of healing. What got me through was "fake it 'til you make it" and the knowledge that I was back on the straight and narrow. I also kept busy with my work, kids and friends. I'm an avid runner and cyclist so the physical exertion also helped a great deal. Because I couldn't talk to anyone about it, I went to IC. It helped but, eh. It was really time that did the most to lift the fog.

 

 

It took much longer than I thought to get over it -- longer than I was even in it! The consensus seemed to be 90 days to freedom. Not for me. But at four months, I felt a lot better. The urge to text/call was gone. I'm now at 5 months of NC and 7 since the A ended. That LC in between just made things worse. It may be what's happening for you too but you just don't see it yet?

 

 

Right up until 4 months of NC, I obsessed nearly 24x7. Now I go hours without thinking of that black mark on my personal history at all. When I do, it's with a great deal of guilt and embarrassment. I look forward to the day where's it's a surprise to think of him at all. Everyone's timeline is different. It could take you longer since your A was longer.

 

 

As far as your concerns about being a wife and mother while grieving the loss of your AP, it will be a struggle. But -- gently speaking -- you're not exactly a paragon of either right now (nor was I).

 

 

From the first day of NC, I started to feel a little better just knowing I was doing the right thing. My God, I was a cheater!! As soon as I started NC, I no longer was!

 

 

But that's the thing, tchgirl. You have to start. Reclaim your power, reclaim your precious family and walk away.

Edited January 23, 2014 by sunburned

[tchrgrl]

Wow, there's so much to reply to! I was not aware that this forum was for single OW/OM, sorry if I'm in the wrong place...

 

 

Thank you sunburned for sharing your similar story, it helps me to hear that people are also getting through this! and to herself, congrats on the long stretch of NC, you are amazing....I see that many of you think I am not being honest with myself and my faults that have lead me to this point in my life. I am an educated person, been in therapy, pretty level headed but I made a bad decision that made me realize more that I don't want to be married any longer but feel trapped due to MANY circumstances. I don't expect all hugs on here and I appreciate the tough words that make me think but just know, I have thought all the things you have mentioned. I came here as I felt overwhelmed by the isolating sense of loss I felt by the A ending and thought it would help to read how others have handled it....

[Robert]

Let's keep the insults off the thread, make your posts helpful and not hurtful. thanks

[artdet]

Dear OP, every time I see MOW posts I get so heart broken. I see the pain

in your M, I see the pain in the A. Affairs are not the answer,

use all your strength to get out. Work on your M, raise the kids

and wait it out, end your M honorably and find a good available man, whatever

you do, just don't go back into the A with the MM. There is no love there, nothing good will come out of it.

[tchrgrl]

Thank you artdet, even though I do think there was some form of love there, I do know that nothing good will come of this and the happiness of my children is more important than mine....