I don't contact her sometimes when I want too

[BlueBobby]

I haven't contacted her much this month at all wanted too but didn't. I really have to play over in my head how much it sucks to get caught. I would lose my home, my family and my wife. I think about my girl all the time but I want to be my kids dad, I love my wife and if I want to keep all of them we can't get caught.

I feel like most of the time my girl knows that. But I do read here sometimes and I do see her and can tell she needs more from me. We will get caught though if we don't keep it under control.

 

I would think, how bad would it be for us to get caught at Christmas? It would be the worst. I also don't want to look back in twenty years at my kids second Christmas and think that I wasn't all there, wasn't there for him because I was focused on having an affair. Might be harder for women to look at that picture, I know she's a great mom and I don't want to take that from her either, I could text her and I know she would love it, I know she would reply, but then in twenty years when she looks back and remembers that, would she resent me for it? Ya I bet she would.

 

Unless your affair partner has told you they are going to leave their marriage for you, just calm down and enjoy what you have. There will be times I hold back contact. It's not because I don't care, it's because I don't want us to get caught and have all these lives messed up.

[tchrgrl]

It's so hard to calm down and enjoy what you have when you are hoping for so much more....

 

 

I hear you about getting caught and messing up SO many lives, not sure why we do it when we know what the fall out will be : (

[BlueBobby]

It's so hard to calm down and enjoy what you have when you are hoping for so much more....

 

 

I hear you about getting caught and messing up SO many lives, not sure why we do it when we know what the fall out will be : (

 

The thing is there doesn't have to be a fall out. She is married too, and isn't alone. We need to enjoy the time we get together but focus on our families when we are with our families. That's actually protecting everyone.

 

Of course it would be awesome to see her everyday and talk everyday but then our families would crumble and we are left to fix that.

 

Sometimes I'm sure guys are just being dicks when they are not contacting, but sometimes they are just being careful.

[tchrgrl]

But aren't you worried about the potential for fall out??? I think about it constantly as it has almost happened to us more than once. I tend to think my MOM doesn't care when I don't hear from him though he tells me that it's not what he wants but what he has to do....

[BlueBobby]

But aren't you worried about the potential for fall out??? I think about it constantly as it has almost happened to us more than once. I tend to think my MOM doesn't care when I don't hear from him though he tells me that it's not what he wants but what he has to do....

 

Ya I keep very good control of myself to minimize the potential for fall out. If I wasn't worried about it I would be texting her or calling non stop. I calculate the risk every contact I make.

[tchrgrl]

I appreciate your insight as I tend to get mad at my MOM and think he's being a dick, thanks for sharing....

[BlueBobby]

Ya he might just be being a dick but maybe not.

We both went into this knowing we wanted to stay married to the people we are with. But we want this to last as long as possible.

My girl has the ability to get very deep in the more attention I give her. So knowing that, knowing the deeper we get the more likely we are to get caught I have to stay controlled. If I contact her just because I want to, that's thinking of just me, not really her. Because I know it only takes one conversation to have her head spinning sometimes, thats great when we have time but at times like this when we need to be with family and be focused on that, I think that's so risky.

It's easier for me than her to keep controlled do I guess I'm managing her a little. But it's because I want her around as long as possible.

Sounds sexist lol! But I'm just talking about me and her, other people could be different.

[BlueBobby]

Wow this is one of the most selfish things I've read in a long time. Everything you do, is done for yourself. You hold back b/c you dont want to get caught. You dont want to get caught b/c you dont want to lose your family or have to deal with the fall-out, or have to deal with seeing your son part time, or have to deal with being known as a "divorcee" or "cheater". What about your wife? Why is she not afforded a decision in whether she wants to be involved in an open marriage? Why is she not given the respect to know what is going on around her, and make a decision accordingly? Why is your son not worth of an honest father? Guess everything comes second to your well-being and pleasure and comfort.

 

I hope your OW gets fed up enough she tells your wife. She deserves to know she is in an open marriage.

 

That's one way to look at it, sure.

[tchrgrl]

I think women in general have the tendency to get more deeply involved. We both know that we want to stay married but deep down I think about what it would be like if we got divorced and were able to be together. And that crazy thinking really messes with my head. I feel controlled by him as well, like it has to be his way no matter what I am telling him I need but I guess maybe it's good someone holds back so that the whole thing doesn't blow up???

[Realist3]

I haven't contacted her much this month at all wanted too but didn't. I really have to play over in my head how much it sucks to get caught. I would lose my home, my family and my wife. I think about my girl all the time but I want to be my kids dad, I love my wife and if I want to keep all of them we can't get caught.

I feel like most of the time my girl knows that. But I do read here sometimes and I do see her and can tell she needs more from me. We will get caught though if we don't keep it under control.

 

I would think, how bad would it be for us to get caught at Christmas? It would be the worst. I also don't want to look back in twenty years at my kids second Christmas and think that I wasn't all there, wasn't there for him because I was focused on having an affair. Might be harder for women to look at that picture, I know she's a great mom and I don't want to take that from her either, I could text her and I know she would love it, I know she would reply, but then in twenty years when she looks back and remembers that, would she resent me for it? Ya I bet she would.

 

Unless your affair partner has told you they are going to leave their marriage for you, just calm down and enjoy what you have. There will be times I hold back contact. It's not because I don't care, it's because I don't want us to get caught and have all these lives messed up.

 

I believe it is important that she understands your motivations. So many times reading here it seems the issue of contact turns into some sick twisted game the two partners are playing with each other.

 

It has come to my understanding that most single OW get involved with MM because of just that reason; they were told that someday in the future they would be together exclusively. This creates a huge strain on the emotions of the OW. Married AP's that have no desire to divorce have a huge advantage in this situation. Expectations are greatly diminished, and understanding of the family duties and dynamics are much better accepted. As you said, 'enjoy what you have.'

 

I have a question. Is it the impact the communication has on you emotionally that worries you about getting caught or the method of communication you are using?

[Realist3]

We both went into this knowing we wanted to stay married to the people we are with. But we want this to last as long as possible.

My girl has the ability to get very deep in the more attention I give her. So knowing that, knowing the deeper we get the more likely we are to get caught I have to stay controlled.

 

Mine is the same way but I let her control that because she knows herself best. And for 4 years she had done a really good job of that until recently, which ended up with her asking for a firm break. After a couple of weeks of mixed messages, and then a two weeks of basically no contact, she messaged me yesterday,and we ended up talking for four hours well into the late hours of the night.

[chelsea2011]

I haven't contacted her much this month at all wanted too but didn't. I really have to play over in my head how much it sucks to get caught. I would lose my home, my family and my wife. I think about my girl all the time but I want to be my kids dad, I love my wife and if I want to keep all of them we can't get caught.

I feel like most of the time my girl knows that. But I do read here sometimes and I do see her and can tell she needs more from me. We will get caught though if we don't keep it under control.

 

I would think, how bad would it be for us to get caught at Christmas? It would be the worst. I also don't want to look back in twenty years at my kids second Christmas and think that I wasn't all there, wasn't there for him because I was focused on having an affair. Might be harder for women to look at that picture, I know she's a great mom and I don't want to take that from her either, I could text her and I know she would love it, I know she would reply, but then in twenty years when she looks back and remembers that, would she resent me for it? Ya I bet she would.

 

Unless your affair partner has told you they are going to leave their marriage for you, just calm down and enjoy what you have. There will be times I hold back contact. It's not because I don't care, it's because I don't want us to get caught and have all these lives messed up.

 

Sounds like a lot of work. Do you realize that you are expending a lot of emotional energy managing and controlling your AP to keep her emotions at bay? Why not take that extra energy you are expending to manipulate your AP and focus it on making your marriage even more awesome.

[Grumpybutfun]

I haven't contacted her much this month at all wanted too but didn't. I really have to play over in my head how much it sucks to get caught. I would lose my home, my family and my wife. I think about my girl all the time but I want to be my kids dad, I love my wife and if I want to keep all of them we can't get caught.

I feel like most of the time my girl knows that. But I do read here sometimes and I do see her and can tell she needs more from me. We will get caught though if we don't keep it under control.

 

I would think, how bad would it be for us to get caught at Christmas? It would be the worst. I also don't want to look back in twenty years at my kids second Christmas and think that I wasn't all there, wasn't there for him because I was focused on having an affair. Might be harder for women to look at that picture, I know she's a great mom and I don't want to take that from her either, I could text her and I know she would love it, I know she would reply, but then in twenty years when she looks back and remembers that, would she resent me for it? Ya I bet she would.

 

Unless your affair partner has told you they are going to leave their marriage for you, just calm down and enjoy what you have. There will be times I hold back contact. It's not because I don't care, it's because I don't want us to get caught and have all these lives messed up.

 

Is this a public service announcement to keep all the OWs in line? You both made decisions about the integrity and honor of your spouses when you decided to nullify your vows and make your marriages a lie so there will be consequences, because there are always consequences to destroying families. Oh and you have already been caught...your conscience will chime in soon after the affair fog lifts. Hey, but maybe this post will alert a future OW so she will know exactly the manipulative techniques used by cake eaters.

Do your wife a favor...divorce her legally because your marriage has been over from your first act of infidelity. She should have a say in her life, don't you think? Isn't that the courtesy you would like to be afforded?

SMH,

G

[BlueBobby]

 

I have a question. Is it the impact the communication has on you emotionally that worries you about getting caught or the method of communication you are using?

 

Little bit of both. The more we talk or text the more I think about her when I should be thinking about and doing other things. The more I keep a handle on it, and we hold back contact until we have more time, to have a fulfilling conversation and not a million other things going on the better it is.

I mean a text here or there is fine and totally doable. But one text leads to ten, leads to 100. My mind gets cloudy, I start doing the what if game, the same as she probably does too. The more contact the more chance of slipping up and not deleting something or for one of us to send a text at the wrong time too.

 

I'm not ignoring her, I do still contact her and I've told her all this too.

I don't play hot and cold as a way to **** with her head like some people think men are doing to their other women.

I love her. I just love my wife and family too and I want to keep them all.

[whichwayisup]

So you have more care and thought for your married OW than you do for your wife and kids, so it seems..

 

The betrayal, the pretending, keeping peace and acting like all is normal at home is one big lie, all the meanwhile you're quietly lusting and wanting your MOW, being careful as to not get caught.

 

I hope she's worth it because you have a lot to lose when you DO get caught. Most do and it's only a matter of time. You can skillfully lie to your wife every single day, eventually she will figure it out, something isn't right and she'll realize all the trust and faith she had in you, she'll question it. All I hope is, when that time comes, and it will, that you be honest with her and OWN your selfish decision to have an affair and cheat on her, betray your family unit as one.

 

I love her. I just love my wife and family too and I want to keep them all.

 

Will you say this to your wife's face when you get caught?

[whichwayisup]

Never said I'm not selfish lol! People crack me up.

I'm not only thinking of myself in this. The people who yell selfish selfish selfish here must be saints in their own lives hey?

 

I guess my point is, you are risking everything. Your children lives, your marriage, life as you once knew it, all will change because you wanted someone on the side as well, two women to fulfill your needs.

 

You can't see the whole picture here because you're in the midst of it all. Go take a look at the infidelity section and read how lives are torn up, kids hearts shattered, betrayed spouses' pain and heartache after an affair and all the fall out.

 

I haven't been rude, harsh yes, but not rude. Lashing out at me doesn't change the fact that you've created a situation at home that IS going to do a lot of damage to the people you claim to love.

[Realist3]

Little bit of both. The more we talk or text the more I think about her when I should be thinking about and doing other things. The more I keep a handle on it, and we hold back contact until we have more time, to have a fulfilling conversation and not a million other things going on the better it is.

I mean a text here or there is fine and totally doable. But one text leads to ten, leads to 100. My mind gets cloudy, I start doing the what if game, the same as she probably does too. The more contact the more chance of slipping up and not deleting something or for one of us to send a text at the wrong time too.

 

I'm not ignoring her, I do still contact her and I've told her all this too.

I don't play hot and cold as a way to **** with her head like some people think men are doing to their other women.

I love her. I just love my wife and family too and I want to keep them all.

 

Understand completely. If I were yu I would find some other method of communication besides texting each others phones, i.e. free text app or FB(real or fake accounts). Texting each others phones is begging for trouble.

[violet1]

Understand completely. If I were yu I would find some other method of communication besides texting each others phones, i.e. free text app or FB(real or fake accounts). Texting each others phones is begging for trouble.

 

I was thinking the same thing. My exMOM and I always used a text/voice app. That way we could text all of the time without worries. Never used our real cell numbers.

 

OP, if you are on the same page with communication it's fine. Most of the problems you see here, are people who aren't on the same page. Has she said she wants more communication from you? In order for me to keep interest, I needed a lot of communication from my exMOM and he wanted and needed it from me as well. If he had done the hot and colds, I wouldn't have been able to cope with the affair. With affairs, both people have to have the same expectations to make it work.

[MissBee]

I haven't contacted her much this month at all wanted too but didn't. I really have to play over in my head how much it sucks to get caught. I would lose my home, my family and my wife. I think about my girl all the time but I want to be my kids dad, I love my wife and if I want to keep all of them we can't get caught.

I feel like most of the time my girl knows that. But I do read here sometimes and I do see her and can tell she needs more from me. We will get caught though if we don't keep it under control.

 

I would think, how bad would it be for us to get caught at Christmas? It would be the worst. I also don't want to look back in twenty years at my kids second Christmas and think that I wasn't all there, wasn't there for him because I was focused on having an affair. Might be harder for women to look at that picture, I know she's a great mom and I don't want to take that from her either, I could text her and I know she would love it, I know she would reply, but then in twenty years when she looks back and remembers that, would she resent me for it? Ya I bet she would.

 

Unless your affair partner has told you they are going to leave their marriage for you, just calm down and enjoy what you have. There will be times I hold back contact. It's not because I don't care, it's because I don't want us to get caught and have all these lives messed up.

 

Which is why an A is absolutely insufficient and problematic 9/10 times.

 

If your relationship has to be hidden and you have to hold back because this relationship will "ruin" so many people's lives...needless to say, it's probably not worth it.

 

I think if you want to sleep with a married person that you have no emotional investment in, that is a better idea than attempting to have a full and fulfilling or forward-looking relationship with one who has to fit you in around their primary life and where you're always tip toeing around.

 

It's very draining and is no way for most people to live.

[BlueBobby]

I just read on here a lot how daily contact is expected or people are saying he doesn't care at all or the women think its a big game.

 

It's not a game to me.

Ya I'm trying not to get caught, we don't want to leave our marriages, there is a lot of reasons for that I don't need to share.

If it wasn't for the other woman my marriage probably would have ended last year or will end in the next five, I can't deal with no sex, and the friendship I have with my other woman I want and need.

Our lives are not perfect but they are pretty damn good.

Selfish maybe, my wife wants to stay married. So do I, so does my married other woman and I want her too. So if I can minimize the risk of us getting caught and keep all that, you bet I will!!

 

People saying that's selfish isn't going to change my mind. I know it's selfish but I stand by saying, I'm not only thinking of me. I'm thinking long term.

[BlueBobby]

Which is why an A is absolutely insufficient and problematic 9/10 times.

 

If your relationship has to be hidden and you have to hold back because this relationship will "ruin" so many people's lives...needless to say, it's probably not worth it.

 

I think if you want to sleep with a married person that you have no emotional investment in, that is a better idea than attempting to have a full and fulfilling or forward-looking relationship with one who has to fit you in around their primary life and where you're always tip toeing around.

 

It's very draining and is no way for most people to live.

 

I'm not drained at all by it if I keep control. It fulfills me, doesn't deplete me.

[violet1]

Never said I'm not selfish lol! People crack me up.

I'm not only thinking of myself in this. The people who yell selfish selfish selfish here must be saints in their own lives hey?

 

Anytime you have an opinion that's not of the majority, you get bashed here. It really doesn't bother me much because that's just how forums are.

[Realist3]

I was thinking the same thing. My exMOM and I always used a text/voice app. That way we could text all of the time without worries. Never used our real cell numbers.

 

OP, if you are on the same page with communication it's fine. Most of the problems you see here, are people who aren't on the same page. Has she said she wants more communication from you? In order for me to keep interest, I needed a lot of communication from my exMOM and he wanted and needed it from me as well. If he had done the hot and colds, I wouldn't have been able to cope with the affair. With affairs, both people have to have the same expectations to make it work.

 

 

This is most certainly true. The trails and tribulations read on this board is because both AP's are not on the same page.

[BlueBobby]

Ya it's a public service announcement lol! I just read every time I come that women question everything because of a couple days no contact.

ASK him why he's not contacting you. If you are scared to ask because you think any pressure from your side will make him crack and end the affair then that guys probably a dick anyway, and you can do better. If you don't ask you will go on wondering forever and ya things will probably end bad.

My girl has talked to me about it and we are on the same page. She still worries sometimes I'm sure but if she nagged me I'd end it, but I wouldn't end what I have with her just because she needed a little reassurance.

[MissBee]

I think a missing piece in your longterm thinking, which is what seems to be omitted when people try to cake eat/have it both ways, is that you make this gamble because you want to stay married and have a gf and you believe that you're being somewhat "responsible" and a "long term thinker" by trying to minimize not getting caught....

 

Yet, most people cannot guarantee that they won't get caught. So let's say you acknowledge this. You cannot 100% make sure you don't get caught, so IF you do, would it have been worth it?

 

I'm not trying to be self-righteous or saintly. I'm actually asking a question based on strategy and making investments and what is worth it in the long run. Cheating is usually very short-sighted. Thinking about not getting caught so that people's lives aren't ruined isn't really a solid long term plan, it's a short term bandaid based on your desire to still be in the affair. But if you were in fact thinking long term and assessing risks and benefits and the potential to get caught, the affair couldn't possibly win as a solid plan now for the long term or for the larger good. I would just admit it is selfish and leave it at that, as trying to spin it as some smart choice based on long term thoughts makes no sense. When I was in the A I wanted what I wanted and that was the end of story....I actually cannot at all relate to the need to justify and explain to everyone why what I was doing was some kind of not that bad thing. I knew how people would think of it and it was okay with me at the time because it met my need for gratification.

Edited December 30, 2013 by MissBee