whichwayisup Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 Regardless of what you think of BlueBobby, he is being frank and has a point of view that to varying degrees, may be shared by many MMs. You may not agree with his behavior, but he is offering all of the OW on this forum a legitimate explanation of affair dynamics from a MM perspective. A big part of the process of healing for me was trying to understand WTF happened and I am learning a lot from BlueBobby. Doubtful this POV is shared with many MM of the OW who do post on LS. Have you read some of the OW situations and stories on here? Many that I read about have MM's that are scummy, have many narcissistic traits, not communicative and play the hot/cold, push/pull game. Link to post Share on other sites
vanellope Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 thank you BlueBobby, you are honest person. if two year ago i saw this post, I will definetly won't waste my life involve in this kind of thing. it is right as a OW I should not blame others becasue it's my own choice to be with MM, but why not MM just talk frankly in beginning to see if OW want to be the suppliment in your life, why act it like OW is your one and you don't love your wife. its really ugly and selfish manipulation. if the MM told OW he love his wife and want OW to be his side dish at the beginning, do you think the OW would willing waste their life on this game? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 if the MM told OW he love his wife and want OW to be his side dish at the beginning, do you think the OW would willing waste their life on this game? Ah ha, which is why MOST MM lie to their OW's and exaggerate truths, omit truths to suit them in the best possible light. How many OW would really be happy if their MM said "Yes I am still going to go on vacation with my wife, happily as a family unit, yes we sleep in the same bed and have sex." MM either doesn't speak of his wife much at all for that reason, or they make their wives out to be the devil (abusive, mean, ignores them, lazy, crazy, etc..etc..) No, they future fake and maybe in the moment they DO love their OW, but that love they feel is not enough glue to make them want to leave what they have at home and start over. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Baby123 Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 Do you have sex with them both? If so how regularly with each? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueBobby Posted December 31, 2013 Author Share Posted December 31, 2013 Do you have sex with them both? If so how regularly with each? I've never stopped wanting sex with my wife but she never wants it. In this year I've probably had sex with both of them the same amount my other woman maybe a couple more times, because my wife can easily go three or four weeks without an urge, that's me trying almost every day. I do not meet for sex all the time with my girl though, we would get caught if we started doing that. We talk about it more often than we get a chance to do anything about it, sometimes it's every couple weeks but a month like this, I haven't got to touch her since the beginning of November, it's been busy and we are careful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueBobby Posted December 31, 2013 Author Share Posted December 31, 2013 I'm sure people picture me being a total ******* to my wife or both women. I'm not. My wife knows she has issues with her sex drive but not as if she has no drive at all just very limited. I lied to myself in the beginning to thinking I was just into her friend for sex, but its not like that. I love her. I love them both. I'd still want her even if we stopped having sex or if my wife suddenly was super horny, I still feel like I would need my girl now. We talk about things I could never talk to my wife about. It's about a lot more than sex but that was the driving force in the beginning. Link to post Share on other sites
soundsfamilar Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 i don't think you're an a-hole. the sex drive issue can be very frustrating. just know that you're on a slippery slope… this girl will fall in love with you (if she hasn't already) and you will all get hurt. you will need to decide at some point, it's just the way it goes. i also thought my A could just go on, without decisions looming. but that's never the case. so try and think about it NOW, what you want in the long run, whom you can picture yourself with. i disagree with those who always just say that "the grass is greener on the other side", like all relationships are eventually the same. they are not. i have a few very good examples in my life of people who moved from an unhappy/strained marriage into a better one. affairs usually don't help you do that, but think about what you envision for yourself and all others involved, really look into your heart, and try and choose a path. you won't be able to combine the two forever… happy 2014 to you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Baby123 Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 It's wierd that you have equal sexual and loving urges towards two women. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueBobby Posted December 31, 2013 Author Share Posted December 31, 2013 Who decides what's weird? I'm attracted to my wife or I wouldn't be married to her in the first place. I have better sex with my other woman, but I love my wife and have never stopped wanting her either. I love them both but not in the same way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cocochai Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 Who decides what's weird? I'm attracted to my wife or I wouldn't be married to her in the first place. I have better sex with my other woman, but I love my wife and have never stopped wanting her either. I love them both but not in the same way. I have a question: If you decided today to cut off the OMW, and work on your M and decide to do all you can to not stray again... But, being that you stated you want sex more then your BS and your BS can go weeks at a time without wanting it. The sex was good with the OW, how would you be able to channel your sexual urges for the OW another way? I know it's not all about the sex (I'm sure you also have a bond w/ the OMW). Just curious to know. Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 I'm sure people picture me being a total ******* to my wife or both women. I'm not. My wife knows she has issues with her sex drive but not as if she has no drive at all just very limited. I lied to myself in the beginning to thinking I was just into her friend for sex, but its not like that. I love her. I love them both. I'd still want her even if we stopped having sex or if my wife suddenly was super horny, I still feel like I would need my girl now. We talk about things I could never talk to my wife about. It's about a lot more than sex but that was the driving force in the beginning. Honestly, I just feel sad for you. I know things seem wonderful now, but affairs are not meant to be permanent relationships. One day, this whole thing is going to come to an end and your poor children will suffer. You're nuts if you think your children will like your OW if you get caught. They will hate her and her children will hate you. I hate to say it, but you and your MOW will both be sad and alone in the end. Noone will want to be hers or your friend when it all comes out. I can deal with the fact that I'm a bad wife for cheating, but I'm not a bad friend. Seriously, why would you choose to have an affair with your friend's wife? Both of you could have ignored and avoided the mutual attraction. I'm sorry but there's no way your MOW is a good person. Good people don't screw their friend's spouses under any circumstance. Ending my affair wasn't easy, but it was the right decision. If you don't want your children to hurt, you should end the affair now. It doesn't matter how careful you are, social circle affairs are always discovered even if it takes years to happen. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 i disagree with those who always just say that "the grass is greener on the other side", like all relationships are eventually the same. they are not. i have a few very good examples in my life of people who moved from an unhappy/strained marriage into a better one. affairs usually don't help you do that, but think about what you envision for yourself and all others involved, really look into your heart, and try and choose a path. you won't be able to combine the two forever… happy 2014 to you! This is so true. Having been married and now single for many years and having experienced several different R's since I've been single the thing that has really surprised me is how different the entire R is with each different person. Sex is only one part of the equation but can vary immensely from person to person. Differences in communication frequency and styles, time priorities about Rs, shared spirituality within the R or not, the use of leisure time, work habits and how that affects the R. These are just a few of the things that create and impact an R and they all vary from person to person making every R vastly different. Some Rs can be boring even short term. Obviously, one doesn't stay in them long. And some Rs can maintain a vibrant attraction for many years and even up until the R ends for reasons either party has no control over. Don't mean to t/j but since it came up thought I'd comment. Prob would be interesting to start a thread on it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HtotheN Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 I can't explain why it bothers me so much that you refer to her as "your girl" but regardless, she is not really your girl and never has been. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 (edited) Thank you for sharing your thoughts in this thread, OP. It has been illuminating. My xMM used to apologize a lot for not being in communication. I always wondered if he was apologizing because he knew I missed him or because he missed me. Edited December 31, 2013 by Popsicle Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 Bobby, Are you certain your wife wouldn't be open to an open relationship? If your sexual needs had been met at home, would you have sought multiple affairs over the years? G Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 I can't explain why it bothers me so much that you refer to her as "your girl" but regardless, she is not really your girl and never has been. He thinks she is. He feels as if he possesses them both. Like a male lion who has a pride. I wonder how often his girl has sex with her husband? And I don't believe he would really be okay with his wife having sex with other men. It probably just sounds like a fair thing to say to him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 I can't explain why it bothers me so much that you refer to her as "your girl" but regardless, she is not really your girl and never has been. Do you say that b/c she is married or b/c he is married or both? My MM calls me his girl (as well as girlfriend, etc.) and I'm totally okay with it. I am single, though. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 1, 2014 Share Posted January 1, 2014 The OP sounds like a serial cheater in mindset, but most MM are not serial cheaters. Link to post Share on other sites
experiencethedevine Posted January 1, 2014 Share Posted January 1, 2014 My wife does not know I'm in an affair, she would be wild if she did, she would especially hate me for who the affair is with, I already know all that. I more was talking about my other woman here, not my wife. That could be another thread I guess. I don't mind people thinking I'm an *******, you don't know me and I'm not sugar coating anything for you. Evidently....................what a catch........................ Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueBobby Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 I call her my girl because I'm not exactly going to say her name here. She is my friend. We are really close, she would not be offended by that at all. I come across like I have the mind of a serial cheater? I'm not. There has been a couple past very brief one time infidelities and I came clean about them to my wife. This right now is different, it's grown from a friendship into something very different I am not saying that makes it just rolled up nice in a package, it's not simple and I know it's a big risk. It's a risk I'm willing to take. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueBobby Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 He thinks she is. He feels as if he possesses them both. Like a male lion who has a pride. I wonder how often his girl has sex with her husband? And I don't believe he would really be okay with his wife having sex with other men. It probably just sounds like a fair thing to say to him. She has sex with her husband lots. I don't own her lol! We talk about our sex lives with each other. I've tried to talk to my wife about being more open to sharing, I'd love to watch her with someone else, male or female. If you want another crack at analyzing me go for it, but you're not doing a great job yet. Discussion and advice are always great but people think I'm a textbook case or something? I'm confused why you think you know me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueBobby Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 Honestly, I just feel sad for you. I know things seem wonderful now, but affairs are not meant to be permanent relationships. One day, this whole thing is going to come to an end and your poor children will suffer. You're nuts if you think your children will like your OW if you get caught. They will hate her and her children will hate you. I hate to say it, but you and your MOW will both be sad and alone in the end. Noone will want to be hers or your friend when it all comes out. I can deal with the fact that I'm a bad wife for cheating, but I'm not a bad friend. Seriously, why would you choose to have an affair with your friend's wife? Both of you could have ignored and avoided the mutual attraction. I'm sorry but there's no way your MOW is a good person. Good people don't screw their friend's spouses under any circumstance. Ending my affair wasn't easy, but it was the right decision. If you don't want your children to hurt, you should end the affair now. It doesn't matter how careful you are, social circle affairs are always discovered even if it takes years to happen. Always hey? Don't buy it. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 Always hey? Don't buy it. My father's did. It did a lot of damage to me. I feel bad for your kids. It would be very unnatural for then to like your MOW. All it would be is Dad having put some other lady before them and now their Mom is hurt and they only get to see you on weekends because this girl was more special than them. In a way I hope for their sake it doesn't come out. But in another way, it's tough being a kid when Dad is clearly a "good time Dad" who probably doesn't want to take things "too seriously" and is only in "for the fun of it." Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 Always hey? Don't buy it. When I was in college, one of my communication professors once stated, "nonverbal communication never lies". It will only be a matter of time before someone within your social circle will catch onto the body language between you and "your girl". It's your life to live. If this woman is worth losing everything over than continue. Please don't fool yourself in believing you'll never get caught though. I was raised in a small town and the affairs were always discovered. My best friend from high school dad got caught by her brother screwing around with the neighbor lady. She hasn't spoken to him since. He hasn't met his grand children. I honestly wonder if he thinks his OW (who he's married to now) was worth losing his children. He actually moved 2 hours away from our small town because he was heavily talked about. This is the reason I'm very against social circle affairs. They're double betrayals and literally destroy families. Cheating is bad enough, but cheating with your friend's wife is like kicking him right in the nuts. Your wife believes your MOW is her friend when in reality she's her worst enemy. I know my post is a complete thread jack and for that my apologies. I'd just hate for you to end up in the shoes of my friend's dad. I actually feel bad for him. He tries to call her a couple times a year and she will not talk to him. I just hope one of you wakes up and ends it before a bust happens. I ended my affair after a year. There's no doubt in my mind that one of us would have got busted if we had continued. If you absolutely can't stay faithful, go screw someone who at least doesn't know your wife and kids. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HtotheN Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 Do you say that b/c she is married or b/c he is married or both? My MM calls me his girl (as well as girlfriend, etc.) and I'm totally okay with it. I am single, though. I guess just because she is married. I just had a kneejerk reaction for some reason. Link to post Share on other sites
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