rant and what do you think(abuse?)

[katrin_k]

Has anyone here had fights with their spouse that turned violent?

 

We have and our close friends(also a married couple) have also.

 

None of us consider ourselves to be in an abusive marriage as these are rare incidents, and we've heard of this happening within other usually non-violent marriages...mostly in the scenario of the woman trying to stop the man from leaving during an argument, and him shoving her down, pushing her away, etc.

 

This morning, here is the incident which happened:

 

I was being bitchy and yelling at him. He told me "Shut the **** up"....That's a phrase that he's promised never to use again with me, but I ignored it the first time. The 2nd time he said it, I demanded an apology, and he refused, and got up to walk out......

 

Well, I grabbed his shirt to keep him from leaving(shouldn't do that, I know). I was trying to make him stick to his promise of not saying that, or at least apologizing if he slips and does it. He then threw me to the ground and put his hand on my neck, in a choking position(I was on my back on the floor)....i felt him squeeze, but it wasn't hard enough to stop me from talking. I told him to get his hand off my neck, and he did.

 

Afterward, he kept calling me "psycho bitch"- he said it about five times. He told me it was my fault that it escalated that far, and that he wasn't going to apologize for anything he said. I asked him "so what then, you want a divorce?" He replied "I think I do." , and went on to tell me that he's sick of living with me because I act so abnormal and psycho. He had this condescending, holier than thou attitude, as if he were above me, even though it was him who lost control.

 

There is absolutely nothing else to the story. I didn't do any namecalling, said nothing cruel or hurtful, and didn't get physical myself, except for the shirt-grabbing thing. Believe me, I was tempted to kick him in the balls, punch him in the face, and tell him I was in love with another man, but I did none of this. I maintained my innocence.

 

Furthermore, I've been trying very hard during the last three weeks to meet his needs, by giving lots of compliments, always being ready for sex, initiating it myself, and going out of my way to turn him on and appreciate him.

 

After about half an hour, he told me that he was ashamed of what he did and said and that he's just so embarrassed, he doesn't know what to do. I feel so uninclined to continue doing the things I've been doing to try to improve our marriage, because I'm so hurt, angry, and it seems to not pay off. I told him this and he said "You can keep doing that stuff".....Oh, I'm sure I could, but I wouldn't MEAN it anymore.

 

He said "we were both the victim of a bad mood".....I told him he's not the victim here in any sense of the word. No one called him names, told him to **** off, choked him, and THEN said "I want a divorce".....He doesn't mean that, he took it back later.

 

He's gone to cool off, and I'm hoping to get at least some flowers and a heartfelt sincere apology, but I know better than that. I'll get nothing.

 

He says he didn't "choke" me just "applied pressure".

 

I know lots of women who would have had him thrown in jail.

 

So he's done me terribly wrong, all I'm guilty of was acting bitchy this morning, which does fall into the realm of normal, but yet, I have to sit at home and wait for him to get back and talk to me about it later. Because he has to cool off with friends.

 

Ladies, is that fair? That if the wife gets a little bitchy, the husband can get mad, start calling names, and then walk out, and you'd better just let him, or you'll see violence?

 

And MEN, I do know that experts advise you let a man leave and cool off when he wants, and not try and stop him, but still-------Wouldn't you say that choking the woman is absolutely unacceptable under any circumstance? There are a thousand other things he could have done in the situation, right?

 

He feels that I am the only person who can "cause" him to turn crazy like that, and that it isn't his true personality. We got together at such a young age, he has no other experience to go on. I feel that he would be this way with anyone, because there's something wrong with him.

[jmargel]

Unless you two get marriage counseling it will only get worse. It started with name calling and esclalated to choking. It's not all you. Normally people who are abusive will put the blame on the spouse to not only make themselves feel not guilty about the situation, but to deny they have a problem.

 

It takes two to make a marriage work and sounds like you two have communication problems. Check out my link for some info on that.

 

I think you should not be home when he gets back, it's time for him to worry about you some.

 

-Jeff

[FolderWife]

Buy the book men are from mars, women are from venus.

 

I think it will help you realize that your husband is allowed to have down moods occasionally, and your consistant give give giving is causing you to resent him.

 

He apologized. No, that wasn't abuse, that was to be expected...you grabbed him first.

 

Read the book. I think it will help you more than your efforts have.

[FolderWife]

Well, ok, maybe it is abuse, because he CAN be arrested for doing that....hmmm.

 

My relationship is like that sometimes, though, so I thought it was normal Mine has never hit me, but ooooh, can he tick me off.

 

In the book men are from mars women are from venus, it says that men go into a "cave" when they get upset. It also says that when a woman complains, they automatically think that the woman is blaming him for her problem, even though she simply just wants him to understand her.

 

So you were bitching to your husband, and he took it personally, and tried to shut down, but you wouldn't let him shut down, you wanted him to discuss it NOW.

 

Well, when a man tries to shut down, and a woman tries to not let him, the book says that "a dragon that protects the cave will come out."

 

So you got a dragon grabbing your neck, and scaring the crap out of you.

 

Just read the book. If it doesn't help you, then try councelling.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by Monday

Buy the book men are from mars, women are from venus.

 

I think it will help you realize that your husband is allowed to have down moods occasionally, and your consistant give give giving is causing you to resent him.

 

He apologized. No, that wasn't abuse, that was to be expected...you grabbed him first.

 

Read the book. I think it will help you more than your efforts have.

 

So, if your SO choked you, it would be fine as long as it was "justified"? If you were being bitch, and lured out his "dragon" - him threatening you physically would be your fault? The hell it is. I am in therapy to convince myself that my long abusive relationship was NOT my fault.

 

It is never appropriate for a larger person to lay their hands on another person in a threatening way. Grabbing a shirt is not threatening. Holding someone down by the neck is.

 

Abusive partners ALWAYS guilt their SO into thinking it's her fault. My ex did it all the time "I wouldn't spit on you if you didn't act like such a psycho freak/fat bitch/ugly whore".

 

I hate those self-help books that unknowingly (or knowingly?) justify this disgusting behavior. I spent a long time telling myself exactly what that book says. Oh, I need to let him be angry...whatever. He can be angry without physically terrorizing or degrading someone.

 

Counseling. ASAP.

 

Good luck.

[NiCoLe20]

imo, a guy should not put his hands on a woman even if she touches him. we all know they are much stronger and capable of more violent acts. i think that was way out of line for him to do. next thing you know, your arguing again, and this time he hits you or slaps you. thats just wrong and if you allow him to do this it will just get worse. i wouldnt of called the police if your situation happened to me but i wouldve left for a week. i dont tolerate that abuse. it will just lead to more violent situations. get him help before it gets worse. yeah he may admit it was wrong but even if he was pushed by you bit-hing at him that gives him no right to lay hands on you like that. what happened if when he pushed you, you fell onto something sharp that peirced through your skin? i would stay away from him...he sounds like a volcano thats about to explode... im sure u can find someone out there that doesnt choose violence to solve problems

[Adunaphel]

Ladies, is that fair? That if the wife gets a little bitchy, the husband can get mad, start calling names, and then walk out, and you'd better just let him, or you'll see violence?

 

I can understand getting mad - wheter it would have been normal or not in those circumnstances, it happens.

(And I don't know if you were being a little bitchy, or *very*bitchy. My idea of a *very*bitchy person is someone who follows you around the house for at least ten minutes saying in a loud voice/shouting very nasty and cruel things to you that you don't deserve.)

 

I can also understand name-calling - it's bad, but it is a quick release in very distressful situations, and a very effective way to express anger, and this is probably why swearing is so popular.

He had agreed not to use that particular insult, but it might have just slipped out of his mouth.

 

I can understand his desire to leave -leaving can prevent a fight from exploding.

 

Shoving you to the floor and choking you(call it 'applying pressure on your throat' if you will) is absolutely unacceptable, is abusive, and is violent behaviour.

 

He could have done a lot of other things - telling you to let go of his shirt, waiting for you to let go of it, *gently*removing your hands from his shirt and pushing you away without hurting you are just some of them.

 

And he blamed it on you.

 

As other posters have said, it sounds like some counseling is necessary -and urgent.

He should understand as soon as possible that *no matter how good your reasons might be, you don't lay your hands on your partner if it's not for self-defense reasons*.

 

I also second jmargel's suggestion not to be at home when he gets back.

[The_Analyzer]

Get into some marriage counseling asap! If neither of you want to go, then get out now. It will only get worse. If you want to go and he doesn't then thats great you're willing to help yourself but if hes not, then whats the point of being together? Good luck.

[whichwayisup]

Marriage councilling and maybe a course in anger management as well.

 

There HAS to be boundries and respect in a marriage...Or any relationship.

 

My husband and I can argue like there's no tomorrow...But we NEVER cross that line of disrespect. We have never sworn at eachother or called eachother rude names. If either of us feel it is getting too much or not getting anywhere, we back off and just leave it alone for a while.

 

Our golden rule is, never go to bed pissed off at eachother NO matter what.

 

I suggest each of you really understand and put yourself in eachother's shoes and think before speaking, and hold back those nasty comments then it won't escalate into something worse.

 

I do hope you both can work it out with some help.

 

Good luck!!

[lilmoma1973]

hey katrin'

this is something that happens alot in relationships and marriages ...the reason they do this is because they feel that we intemidate them and this way they think they can control us by pushing us and man handling .. personally i think men like this are nothing but wimps that have nothing better than to pick on women cause they probably afraid if they do a man like that they will get their butt beat.. we are defensesless and they know it and they thrive on this type of behavior.. it is a type of control that men like when they are abusive.. that movie enough with jennifer lopez tells how things really are with abuse..she learns to defend herself and kicks the crap out of her husband and then he falls onto a glass table and it kills him woohoo that man deserved it.. i think men that are like this need a good beaten theirselves .. i guess beating on women makes them feel like a real man thats a laugh .. good luck hope things work out for you!!

[imhere]

Well, lots of women when they get mad they want the NOW answers. But not for men, they would like to cool down and then talk. Trust me, when I get mad I also wanted to say bad things, but I never did, I make sure I think for a second before it blurted out coz' once you said something that hurt your spouse's feeling, then it always there.

 

If both of you in the anger situation, try to go somewhere and sit and think. Do not try to solve it at that time because you cannot think and act rationally. One day I almost lost my temper and try to block my hubby from going out from the house, he looked down at me and said "don't, you don't want to do that"...then I knew he was also in temper. I moved away. 30 minutes after that, he came to me and we talk calmly. He never hurt me or anything, but you can see and tell when men get really mad. So, try to back of for a while. Its better to do that rather than get hurt. Sometimes they cannot think straight too. Just like us, when we get mad we will scream or throwing things and trust me some women also abusive to their husband. I had a friend that his wife constantly beat and cheated on him.

 

I wish you all the best and try to talk to him about this, that if its happen again you won't tolerate. One thing I know men doesn't like women who are nagging or complaining constantly.

[tanbark813]

katrin, you're just as responsible for what happened as your husband. He *definitely* should not have pushed you down and choked you. There's no denying that. But at the same time, you should not have grabbed him by the shirt. He was trying to walk away to calm down and rather than let him do that, you physically threatened him while both of you had your emotions running high.

 

No one should be subject to violence in a relationship--man or woman. If you don't want to be knocked to the ground, then don't grab someone like that when they're pissed off at you. All you're doing is inciting their fight or flight reflex and asking for trouble.