Alcoholic boyfriend

[Schroedm]

Hi,

 

I am very concerned about my boyfriend. We met a couple of years ago and I knew he was an alcoholic, going through 2-3 bottles a week. However, I fell in love with him and we ended up moving to cincinnati together for a job I got. Over the past couple years his drinking has slowed, but in past months I've noticed he's been hiding it from me. I find bottles/cups of vodka around our apartment. I confronted him about it once and he said he wasn't trying to hide it from me (he used to keep the vodka in the freezer, so this is certainly a lie). I work 9-5 typically and often he reeks of vodka when I come home. Or even when I wake up in the morning and am getting ready for work. He can't sleep for more than 3 hrs in a row and often is up all night (usually drinking). Sometimes he will stumble into bed in the wee hours of the morning, knocking things over. He has no friends, and essentially no family-he hates his mom and siblings, but still texts his dad, who he hasn't seen in years. I am all he really has, and I've been supporting him financially for the majority of the time we've been together.

 

He is incredibly depressed, he spends hours online researching world problems i.e. Money, environment, anything you can think of. He feels very strongly that everyone is an ignorant sheep in a heard just doing what they are told and are largely ignorant of the government and money. While this may be true, he is extremely condescending and abrasive to talk to about these things he is passionate about. He often gets drunk and cries and yells and calls me a sheep and other names.

 

I fear leaving him because he talks about suicide a lot. Despite everything, I truly care about him and fear leaving him alone with no family or friends to lean on could end badly, and I will feel guilty the test of my life if he kills himself. Everytime I confront him about drinking he gets very defensive and yells at me. The last time I asked him in public if he'd been drinking we got kicked out of the restaurant because he was yelling at me. I have no idea what to do, and I don't think he will ever be happy, he has been a miserable alcoholic for years. I brush it off most of the time, but after writing out some of this I am realizing how bad it sounds and how ignorant I am for staying in this relationship so long. Any words of advice/support would be appreciated. I haven't disclosed this information to anyone, mainly out of embarrassment, I am constantly making up excuses for him and hiding things about him from my family/friends.

[d0nnivain]

Join a group called Al-anon. It's for people in love with substance abusers. They may be able to help you understand your self as you relate to him.

[Zahara]

I agree with Donnivain.

 

Sign yourself up for Al-Anon. It will help you detach yourself from your need to fix and save people. You're co-dependent (look it up) and he's an addict that will suck the life out of you. A perfect combination.

[Keenly]

I know this doesn't help you now, but I really don't understand why you got with a man you knew was an alcoholic, and then all of a sudden are surprised when he is an alcoholic.

 

 

I think you starred this relationship with the intent to fix him. People don't change for anyone but themselves.

[Mondmellonw]

My ex had this issue of never sleeping, and spending this time drinking or searching random stuff in the Internet. Please, give my your opinions: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/addiction-recovery/449301-he-alcoholic

[Grumpybutfun]

OP,

What exactly are you wanting from this thread? You seem to be aware that you are an enabler in an abusive co dependent relationship. An alcoholic cannot have a relationship because they live in their drug induced stupors. You are supporting someone's habit and hurting yourself emotionally and financially in the process. You need to decide if this is the quality of life you want. Then remember that you only get one life.

This situation as you have described is a bottomless pit of remorse...your remorse that you wasted your time, money, energy and affection on a selfish drunk who had no respect for you or your relationship. How do I know this? He never sought help or asked for rehab even after ignorant drunk tirades where he belittled and put you down..as well as the fact that you are supporting him in every way. Now name one way he supports you in a meaningful way other than occasional pretty words and acquiescing in order to get you off his back about issues.

Leave now,

G

[KatZee]

You MUST leave this relationship. Your boyfriend has a very serious problem and he's not going to change until:

 

1. He acknowledges he has a problem (he isn't and hasn't.)

2. He gets into an AA program and starts working the steps.

 

In all honesty, not even just for the fact that he's going to take you under, HE cannot be in a relationship right now.

 

In AA they want recovering alcoholics to have a bare minimum of 1 year sobriety before even thinking about getting back into dating. I would push that time up to TWO full years sobriety (continuous) because the first two years being sober and working the program are extremely difficult, for the alcoholic and for loved ones of the alcoholic.

 

YOU cannot help him, save him, or encourage him to change. He has to hit his own rock bottom and realize how completely ugly and unmanageable his life has become before he commits himself to the program.

 

Alcoholics live in denial. They are never the problem, they don't have a problem. This is especially if they are functional alcoholics; meaning they don't miss work, they are active in family life, etc.

 

And yes, I'll state again what's already been said. You are a co-dependent. Alcoholics have co-dependent personalities and they seek out other co-dependents and it leads to a completely toxic and unhealthy situation.

 

The only way out of this situation is to leave him. You cannot stay anymore because he will ruin your life.

 

An alcoholic and a recovering alcoholic are two completely different things, alcoholics are liars, manipulators, and should never be trusted. They will ruin their credit, and yours as well if you have joint finances.

 

There is no where for him to go right now but to AA. You would also benefit from the program so you can understand why you stay, and address your own co-dependent issues as well.