I THINK I WANT HIM BACK

[oney]

I broke up with my b/f about 1 yr ago for reasons being.... cheating, he was a drunk ,having phone sex,he beat me up once (realy bad),when he was drunk.We were together for almost 5 years.The day I told him to leave he did not want to go , and said he would change and get help,although he had told me this b/4 but never followed through,so I figured he was just talking again.Well he did leave and it has been 1 year now,after knowing a girl for only 3 months he moves in with her,tells me he quite drinking,got his drivers license back and bought a car,is going to college to be a nurse.AND YOU KNOW,I should be happy for him but it really makes me angry,why couldn;t he do all this when we were together? I wonder if he is still doing the phone sex and now cybersex being he has a computer.At times I want to call him and just ask him if we can get together to talk, but my pride is in the way,and then I onder why would I want such a this man in my life again.I need some advice her, why do I long for him ,but yet hate him and hope someone puts him through what he put me through,and hope he runs into many obstacles in his life , and hope he starts drinking again,but yet I love him and would just like to ask him if he would ever want to get back together again, I JUST have all these conflicting feelings and need some insight as to why i feel this way.Sometimes I JUST WANT to ask him back into my life again just to see what he would say,but I DON'T THINK i really want him back so wha tis it????

[Tony T]

You have got a big problem with letting go. You've had an entire year to heal from this relationship and hopefully you won't go backward. He is with someone else now and it will not profit you one bit to see just how much he's changed.

 

Forget him, he was a miserable part of your past. Go forward and make new friendships and have new relationships with sober, healthy, nonabusive people. You can do it.

 

Whenever you wonder if this guy has changed, think of Bill Clinton. He cheated on his wife for 80 percent of his marriage, even when he was president. People don't change all that easily.

[Catari]

Why don't you pick on somebody else than Bill Clinton, for a change. It gets really old when you are using all the same examples all over again. You sound like a mature man for most of the time (perhaps this is the problem); thus why can't you, overcome your prejudice toward Clinton. He did not cheat on you, after all.

You have got a big problem with letting go. You've had an entire year to heal from this relationship and hopefully you won't go backward. He is with someone else now and it will not profit you one bit to see just how much he's changed. Forget him, he was a miserable part of your past. Go forward and make new friendships and have new relationships with sober, healthy, nonabusive people. You can do it. Whenever you wonder if this guy has changed, think of Bill Clinton. He cheated on his wife for 80 percent of his marriage, even when he was president. People don't change all that easily.

 

[Laurynn]

Why don't you pick on somebody else than Bill Clinton, for a change. It gets really old when you are using all the same examples all over again. You sound like a mature man for most of the time (perhaps this is the problem); thus why can't you, overcome your prejudice toward Clinton. He did not cheat on you, after all.

[Laurynn]

for some reason I thought the original post had been posted by "catari" I think it's time I get glasses. Sorry. But seeing how Catari took such offense to Tony's using Clinton as an example....hey? Maybe Catari is Bill Clinton in a clever disguise? *wink*

[oney]

I want to know why has it been so easy for him to move forward when I'am the one who knew it had to end .I haven't talked to him for 3 months and the last time we spoke he sooooo tried to convince me how much he has changed and how I need more time and how sorry he is for everything he has done for me,I have him on my msn messenger and when I see him on-line I just want to buzz in and say "hi".We were doing this last september and I found it very difficult for me to continue communicating with him so I told him I couldn;t do this anymore and now it has been 3 months and I'am longing to just catch up on what he is doing and so on????? When I tried this b/4 it hurt me so much and don't know why I have this great desire to chat with him again.When will I get over this man?? he was so bad for me but have you ever loved someone soooooo deeply,only to know you have to let go of this person,in order to get "yourself " back

You have got a big problem with letting go. You've had an entire year to heal from this relationship and hopefully you won't go backward. He is with someone else now and it will not profit you one bit to see just how much he's changed. Forget him, he was a miserable part of your past. Go forward and make new friendships and have new relationships with sober, healthy, nonabusive people. You can do it. Whenever you wonder if this guy has changed, think of Bill Clinton. He cheated on his wife for 80 percent of his marriage, even when he was president. People don't change all that easily.

 

[oney]

After having him trying to convince me that he has changed,I told him "it is difficult to change one's core self".Why does he find it so important to waste his energy in trying to make me believe he has changed so much.I feel like I'am competing with him.

You have got a big problem with letting go. You've had an entire year to heal from this relationship and hopefully you won't go backward. He is with someone else now and it will not profit you one bit to see just how much he's changed. Forget him, he was a miserable part of your past. Go forward and make new friendships and have new relationships with sober, healthy, nonabusive people. You can do it. Whenever you wonder if this guy has changed, think of Bill Clinton. He cheated on his wife for 80 percent of his marriage, even when he was president. People don't change all that easily.

 

[Ace]

First off, I would not try anything with this guy again. Any guy that beats on women is a P.O.S. You do not deserve anything this guy offers. From your post, you do love him greatly and if he says he is willing to change, he loves you too. Even though he still has this love for you, I don't think a person can change like that. I mean, you sound like a good person and anyone that has a past like that does not sound like the right match for you.

 

Go out there and find a great guy that doesn't cheat, beat or get drunk all the time. There are plenty of them out there that will be more than willing to be a great guy towards you.

 

Unfortunately, I know how you are feeling and it is hard, but he is with another girl now and obiously he has seen the error of his ways if he has stopped doing all of this with this girl.

 

Please go out and try to find a better guy. There are situations in which it would be ok for you to try to get back with him, but this guy does not seem like that type of situation.

 

adam

[Tony T]

Actually, I really like Bill Clinton a lot. I've met him a few times in person, once before he was even very well known nationally...when he was Arkansas governor. I use his name because most people around the world know who he is.

 

If you count the times, I may have used him as an example five or six times in the last year. I'm really glad you read every one of my posts.

 

He does too!!!

[oney]

Thanks for listening,I'am a good person but I find it difficult to go "out there" and find a man,I haven't had to pursue men in the past , I was the one always being pursued,so this is like a brand new concept for me,I have al ot to offer,and I feel I'am confident,but it is such a game,I DON'T MUCH FEEL LIKE PLAYING THE GAME,but I do know if I want to meet someone I have to get out there and circulate myself,it's kinda like when I know someone is attracted to me I get shy,and feel like I'am playing a role that is not me.I think a large part of having difficulty in completely letting go is that I let myself down,I told him from the begining that I don't want a heavy realtionship ,and felt the realtionship was devoloping into something not right for me but I let him convince otherwise,only in time to watch this realtionship become extremely destructive.It was a very intense realtionship we had,I invested all this energy into him and trying to figure out why he is addicted to phone sex and meeting all these women over the phone and sendind pictures and so on ........Even after all this I let him convince me that he should move in with me,Ididn't follow my head and only my heart,and this is where I'am angry.So after 5years og being with me,he meets a girl and within 3 months he is living with her,and claims he has completely changed,(mmmmmmmmmmm).So what's up with that? Why could he not do it with me?I know why? cuz he said he would and I couldn't believe him anymore due to all the lies.I didn't trust him anymore and know I could never trust him again but it absolutly makes my skin crawl that he has claimed he is a differernt person know and I refuse to believe it,it's like I won't allow myself to believe that he is finally getting a life.He always told me "you will always be in my life and I will probally always love you".AM I a hard core or what? I just don't believe people can change there coreself that quickly and without professional help, esp, when a person has several addictions from sex, to alcohol to pot.

 

'

 

'

First off, I would not try anything with this guy again. Any guy that beats on women is a P.O.S. You do not deserve anything this guy offers. From your post, you do love him greatly and if he says he is willing to change, he loves you too. Even though he still has this love for you, I don't think a person can change like that. I mean, you sound like a good person and anyone that has a past like that does not sound like the right match for you. Go out there and find a great guy that doesn't cheat, beat or get drunk all the time. There are plenty of them out there that will be more than willing to be a great guy towards you. Unfortunately, I know how you are feeling and it is hard, but he is with another girl now and obiously he has seen the error of his ways if he has stopped doing all of this with this girl. Please go out and try to find a better guy. There are situations in which it would be ok for you to try to get back with him, but this guy does not seem like that type of situation. adam

[oney]

THANKS,YOU ARE A GEM

First off, I would not try anything with this guy again. Any guy that beats on women is a P.O.S. You do not deserve anything this guy offers. From your post, you do love him greatly and if he says he is willing to change, he loves you too. Even though he still has this love for you, I don't think a person can change like that. I mean, you sound like a good person and anyone that has a past like that does not sound like the right match for you. Go out there and find a great guy that doesn't cheat, beat or get drunk all the time. There are plenty of them out there that will be more than willing to be a great guy towards you. Unfortunately, I know how you are feeling and it is hard, but he is with another girl now and obiously he has seen the error of his ways if he has stopped doing all of this with this girl. Please go out and try to find a better guy. There are situations in which it would be ok for you to try to get back with him, but this guy does not seem like that type of situation. adam

[forgotten]

Oh my God! I think you were the future me! I too, was involved with an alcoholic who abused me (verbally and emotionally). After he harassed me by phone a few times when I moved FAR away to take a new job (and get rid of him), I made the mistake of seeing him again. It was the same old crap! Well, I sent him a Christmas card,to no avail. I saw he'd gotten married in the paper Christmas weekend! Guys like this feed off good--and vulnerable--women. After spending about a month waffling between crying and being mad, I've reached a happy medium. Here's what I think- he just wants to make you feel like you "made a mistake." Eventually, you'll see that you didn't. These abusers are always wonderful in the beginning, why else would we take the bait? I doubt his change will take root, especially if he's toying with you over it.PLEASE give yourself time and don't contact him. See how things go first. I hope this helps!

I broke up with my b/f about 1 yr ago for reasons being.... cheating, he was a drunk ,having phone sex,he beat me up once (realy bad),when he was drunk.We were together for almost 5 years.The day I told him to leave he did not want to go , and said he would change and get help,although he had told me this b/4 but never followed through,so I figured he was just talking again.Well he did leave and it has been 1 year now,after knowing a girl for only 3 months he moves in with her,tells me he quite drinking,got his drivers license back and bought a car,is going to college to be a nurse.AND YOU KNOW,I should be happy for him but it really makes me angry,why couldn;t he do all this when we were together? I wonder if he is still doing the phone sex and now cybersex being he has a computer.At times I want to call him and just ask him if we can get together to talk, but my pride is in the way,and then I onder why would I want such a this man in my life again.I need some advice her, why do I long for him ,but yet hate him and hope someone puts him through what he put me through,and hope he runs into many obstacles in his life , and hope he starts drinking again,but yet I love him and would just like to ask him if he would ever want to get back together again, I JUST have all these conflicting feelings and need some insight as to why i feel this way.Sometimes I JUST WANT to ask him back into my life again just to see what he would say,but I DON'T THINK i really want him back so wha tis it????

[oney,]

thank -you , but you know It really bothers me that he claims he has a different life now,I find this hard to believe, he is proballY living off this g/f the way he lived off me,he is a college student and doesn't work so I can bet she's footing the bills, I look back in hindsight and wonder what kind of girl would tolerate this stuff, but I did, so I guess I'am no better, but I can't imagine getting involved with this type of man again, but yet I still love him.I so much want to write him and ask him if we could maybe get together.I just want to see if ever he would want me back, I don't want him back,(i don't think ),I only hope someone else or his former g/f puts him through what he put me through,I hope he feels the pain that he caused me

Oh my God! I think you were the future me! I too, was involved with an alcoholic who abused me (verbally and emotionally). After he harassed me by phone a few times when I moved FAR away to take a new job (and get rid of him), I made the mistake of seeing him again. It was the same old crap! Well, I sent him a Christmas card,to no avail. I saw he'd gotten married in the paper Christmas weekend! Guys like this feed off good--and vulnerable--women. After spending about a month waffling between crying and being mad, I've reached a happy medium. Here's what I think- he just wants to make you feel like you "made a mistake." Eventually, you'll see that you didn't. These abusers are always wonderful in the beginning, why else would we take the bait? I doubt his change will take root, especially if he's toying with you over it.PLEASE give yourself time and don't contact him. See how things go first. I hope this helps!