Sexless marriage

[niceface]

We have been married for 28 years. In December of 1999 my wife's mother decided to move in with us when her own husband went to a nursing home with Alzheimers. My wife moved down the hall and has slept in the same room with her mother since 1999. They are very close to each other, because her mother took care of her when she was sick for many years before I met her. She is a Bible thumping fundamentalist. Once every 6 weeks or so she would come at night for sex to my bedroom. Then in January of 2005 it stopped all together. Instead of a husband, I feel like I was demoted to a 'brother' who brings home the paycheck and helps out around the house. She is a stay at home wife. My 3 kids are in their 20s now, but still live at home. I asked her to go to counseling with me years ago, but she refused, so I went on my own. Over the years I have been to not 1 but 5 different counselors. 4 concluded divorce and 1 (a church service) was on the fence about it. My own mother has urged me to leave her for years now. I just have not had the courage to up and leave. I know under Virginia law I would be paying her alimony for sure, since she does not draw a paycheck. She is otherwise a good person and all of her adult friends think that she is Gods gift to heaven. But none of them know what is happening behind closed doors. Her mother is very meek and walks in lockstep with whatever she says or does. My house is all paid for (no mortgage) and I would be leaving quite a bit if I left out, which makes it hard to leave, as I have put so much into the place over the last 20 years.

Comments/advice welcome here.

Edited December 30, 2013 by niceface

[pteromom]

I would be paying her alimony for sure, since she does not draw a paycheck.

 

Alimony is a small price to pay for a happy life.

 

If she isn't willing to work on your situation or make things better, and you are miserable, then please... just hand her the check and go find yourself some happy.

 

You have one life. Things are replaceable. Money is replaceable. Your life isn't.

[Yasuandio]

Do you still love her (even though she has abandoned you emotionally, intiatately)?

 

You do have reason to be upset. I wouldnt blame you if youve stepped out of the marriage - as there is no marriage, really. Sounds more like a threesom. You have been more than a kind and patient man. Your wife should be in your bed. Your whole story wreeks of weirdness.

 

What do you want? Whatever it is, a divorce, or normalized relationship with your wife is to be expected, period.

 

Have you ever tried to talk to her about this? Does she know you been to IC?

 

Sorry you've had to come here - but it is a good place. Yas

[niceface]

Yes, I've talked to her many times, but in recent years have either given up or just backed down on it. Her latest excuse for the last few years is that she says she has a constant wind noise in her ear. What that has to do with sex I have yet to figure out. I almost left her this last July, by interviewing for another job in another city and planned to just move there on my own, because I knew she and her mother would be at my apt doorstep if I just stayed in the city I am in now. I got accepted for the job, but the interviewer made the mistake of calling my house about the interview, which blew my cover and I ended up backing down. My daughter started crying and would not eat for a few days when she thought I was leaving. She is 23 now, but is like a 12 year old emotionally, thanks to my wife raising in a very sheltered way.

 

I want to go through with something this coming year though, instead of suffering in silence over it.

 

 

Do you still love her (even though she has abandoned you emotionally, intiatately)?

 

You do have reason to be upset. I wouldnt blame you if youve stepped out of the marriage - as there is no marriage, really. Sounds more like a threesom. You have been more than a kind and patient man. Your wife should be in your bed. Your whole story wreeks of weirdness.

 

What do you want? Whatever it is, a divorce, or normalized relationship with your wife is to be expected, period.

 

Have you ever tried to talk to her about this? Does she know you been to IC?

 

Sorry you've had to come here - but it is a good place. Yas

Edited December 31, 2013 by niceface

[dreamingoftigers]

Tell your wife where your head is at and don't let her emotions overpower you.

 

Your are sick of living in a way that completely ignores your very valid need for intimacy. You can't be guilted out of that and if there's no change or work willing to go toward that aim, then that's tough for the other party who doesn't want a real marriage.

 

And don't damn well let her tell you it's lust.

Even in the bible it mentions letting your wife's breasts alway please you (as in font go cheating on her) but still. If there are no breasts being flashed at you, they can't very well please you, can they? LOL

[Yasuandio]

Constant wind noise in her ears? That sounds like tenninitis, but it could be anything, even scitzofrenia for all you know. Has she been to a doctor for this?

 

You certainly have grounds for divorce. You better get busy. Things don't look like they are going to change. How can we help you? Yas

[niceface]

Constant wind noise in her ears? That sounds like tenninitis, but it could be anything, even scitzofrenia for all you know. Has she been to a doctor for this?

 

You certainly have grounds for divorce. You better get busy. Things don't look like they are going to change. How can we help you? Yas

 

In Virginia, I would have to move out of the house and separate. A lawyer here told me that her sleeping down the hall from me is not considered separation time in Virginia. She will not like me moving out and will definitely contest the divorce. It will be on me to come up with my own money to live on. My house is paid for and the kids are over 18, so those would not be issues. I have just waited for the holidays to be over here.

[Yasuandio]

Alimony is a small price to pay for a happy life.

 

If she isn't willing to work on your situation or make things better, and you are miserable, then please... just hand her the check and go find yourself some happy.

 

You have one life. Things are replaceable. Money is replaceable. Your life isn't.

 

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

 

READ ABOVE QUOTE AT LEAST TEN TIMES PER DAY.

 

Yas

[niceface]

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

 

READ ABOVE QUOTE AT LEAST TEN TIMES PER DAY.

 

Yas

 

Thanks. I will. She has pretty much worn the pants and set the agenda most of my married life.

 

On a different note, another lady I dated before I married my wife has been emailing me a few years now. She is single, never married, and knows about my situation. She lives in Nashville, TN. I live in Richmond, VA, which is a 600 mile distance. Her personality is great, and also, her net worth is about 6 million dollars. Her only drawback is that she is 5 years older than me. She is 62 and her age is starting to tell on her. I am still deciding whether to go back to her, or date a younger lady (with less $$). Remember, I am missing the physical part of my marriage.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thanks. I will. She has pretty much worn the pants and set the agenda most of my married life.

 

On a different note, another lady I dated before I married my wife has been emailing me a few years now. She is single, never married, and knows about my situation. She lives in Nashville, TN. I live in Richmond, VA, which is a 600 mile distance. Her personality is great, and also, her net worth is about 6 million dollars. Her only drawback is that she is 5 years older than me. She is 62 and her age is starting to tell on her. I am still deciding whether to go back to her, or date a younger lady (with less $$). Remember, I am missing the physical part of my marriage.

 

Oh for the love of God.

 

Its always the same thing on here

 

Resolve one relationship before starting another or chasing skirts!

Have some self-respect already.

These are PEOPLE not power tools out of a Sears catalog.

[Yasuandio]

Alimony is a small price to pay for a happy life.

 

If she isn't willing to work on your situation or make things better, and you are miserable, then please... just hand her the check and go find yourself some happy.

 

You have one life. Things are replaceable. Money is replaceable. Your life isn't.

 

Thanks. I will. She has pretty much worn the pants and set the agenda most of my married life.

 

On a different note, another lady I dated before I married my wife has been emailing me a few years now. She is single, never married, and knows about my situation. She lives in Nashville, TN. I live in Richmond, VA, which is a 600 mile distance. Her personality is great, and also, her net worth is about 6 million dollars. Her only drawback is that she is 5 years older than me. She is 62 and her age is starting to tell on her. I am still deciding whether to go back to her, or date a younger lady (with less $$). Remember, I am missing the physical part of my marriage.

 

If the tools have low milage, why not do both?

 

Yas

[alonefornow]

Oh for the love of God.

 

Its always the same thing on here

 

Resolve one relationship before starting another or chasing skirts!

Have some self-respect already.

These are PEOPLE not power tools out of a Sears catalog.

 

Thanks for the laugh. But truly this is right on. OP, you haven't been happy in years, you're not happy now. Counselors, your mother, friends, LS, and yourself are all telling you to get out of this marriage. You're 57, how much more motivation do you need?

[trippi1432]

:eek::eek: Sorry....10 characters.

 

LMAO!!! :lmao:

[niceface]

Thanks for the laugh. But truly this is right on. OP, you haven't been happy in years, you're not happy now. Counselors, your mother, friends, LS, and yourself are all telling you to get out of this marriage. You're 57, how much more motivation do you need?

 

I confess, I have been online trying AshleyMadison for a few months now, as it turned out to be the only way I could keep my sanity in my situation. But have been getting no replies back. I was hoping I could find someone there to fill the gap. But nothing has happened there and I wonder if anything ever will as long as I am a MWM. Found out that even having an affair is more difficult than I thought.

Edited December 31, 2013 by niceface

[dreamingoftigers]

I confess, I have been online trying AshleyMadison for a few months now, as it turned out to be the only way I could keep my sanity in my situation. But have been getting no replies back. I was hoping I could find someone there to fill the gap. But nothing has happened there and I wonder if anything ever will as long as I am a MWM. Found out that even having an affair is more difficult than I thought.

 

:facepalm:

 

Why do I even bother?

 

Buddy, I've been in a sexless marriage for years. Things started looking up for a bit but now I am not working close to home.

 

Either work on your issues or don't. Don't drag other people into your mess and don't get involved in there's.

 

Yes, it's lonely. Duh. So end it.

 

Have some self-respect to lay it out on the line.

 

You lost intimacy with your wife in the 90s, not your balls. And they are, I gather, still in working order.

 

Don't just be the next loser cheater. Get out of your marriage if it isn't working. Fix it if you want to try to fix it. Don't just sit there waiting for part-time vagina to show up at your door to "fill the gap."

 

Like, WTF? It's not Pizza Delivery either.

 

Stop trying to sneak snippets of a life and blaming your wife for it.

All of this garbage is a symptom of an issue within YOU.

If you would said back in 1990-whatever (Cripes, BEFORE I was in HIGH SCHOOL) "I am not living in a sexless marriage, I did not sign up for this. Tell me how we fix this or I will find a different life" and then STOOD BY IT then you wouldn't be in this mess.

 

What's the point of going to counseling if you aren't going to follow-through?

 

Do something FOR YOURSELF. Not waiting for an affair or an other woman to rescue you from the NOT CLUTCHES of your wife.

 

She probably misses having an intimate life too. But maybe you've been as proactive with that as she has been. Set her free if that's what you want. But stop just "wishing on a star" for the Sex Fairy to come and save you.

[niceface]

:facepalm:

 

Why do I even bother?

 

Buddy, I've been in a sexless marriage for years. Things started looking up for a bit but now I am not working close to home.

 

Either work on your issues or don't. Don't drag other people into your mess and don't get involved in there's.

 

Yes, it's lonely. Duh. So end it.

 

Have some self-respect to lay it out on the line.

 

You lost intimacy with your wife in the 90s, not your balls. And they are, I gather, still in working order.

 

Don't just be the next loser cheater. Get out of your marriage if it isn't working. Fix it if you want to try to fix it. Don't just sit there waiting for part-time vagina to show up at your door to "fill the gap."

 

Like, WTF? It's not Pizza Delivery either.

 

Stop trying to sneak snippets of a life and blaming your wife for it.

All of this garbage is a symptom of an issue within YOU.

If you would said back in 1990-whatever (Cripes, BEFORE I was in HIGH SCHOOL) "I am not living in a sexless marriage, I did not sign up for this. Tell me how we fix this or I will find a different life" and then STOOD BY IT then you wouldn't be in this mess.

 

What's the point of going to counseling if you aren't going to follow-through?

 

Do something FOR YOURSELF. Not waiting for an affair or an other woman to rescue you from the NOT CLUTCHES of your wife.

 

She probably misses having an intimate life too. But maybe you've been as proactive with that as she has been. Set her free if that's what you want. But stop just "wishing on a star" for the Sex Fairy to come and save you.

 

Very aptly put and I think you are right. The only decision I need to make now is whether to stay in Richmond, or move to Nashville back with my mother to save some rent money. My mom wants me back there, but I would have to quit my good job here to do it. I would have to interview again in the Nashville area. The only other choice is get an apt here in Richmond, but the wife would be at my doorstep and also at my office causing trouble.

[dreamingoftigers]

Very aptly put and I think you are right. The only decision I need to make now is whether to stay in Richmond, or move to Nashville back with my mother to save some rent money. My mom wants me back there, but I would have to quit my good job here to do it. I would have to interview again in the Nashville area. The only other choice is get an apt here in Richmond, but the wife would be at my doorstep and also at my office causing trouble.

 

So close. Yet so far.

 

"Do not come to my apartment or office."

 

If she shows up:

 

"Leave now or I will have security and/or the police remove you."

 

This isn't rocket science. I'm sure she doesn't have fangs. If she did you wouldn't be upset that she hasn't blown you in so long.

Talk to a lawyer. Make a plan.

[alonefornow]

Very aptly put and I think you are right. The only decision I need to make now is whether to stay in Richmond, or move to Nashville back with my mother to save some rent money. My mom wants me back there, but I would have to quit my good job here to do it. I would have to interview again in the Nashville area. The only other choice is get an apt here in Richmond, but the wife would be at my doorstep and also at my office causing trouble.

 

Both this "decision" and the whole other relationship posts are not the decisions you need to make. It looks like you're trying to figure out your whole next life before you make the choice to leave your current one. That's not how it works.

 

Make the decision to leave and then move out. You can move to Nashville later if you want, but why leave your job if you don't want to and/or aren't ready. This conflict avoidance with your wife is part of the reason you're in this mess. Take care of that first then worry about everything else you want to do.

[pteromom]

THe others here are right. Looking for an affair or considering going back to someone you knew years ago is not the answer.

 

First, you have to resolve your current relationship.

 

See an attorney. You can get a free consultation at most attorney's offices.

 

Find out the facts about the money issues and home issues. You'll walk out of the office knowing what this divorce will cost you and what your options are.

 

Don't go to a new city yet. Find an apartment where you are, close to your family.

 

Take your daughter (and any other children) to dinner, and talk to them about what is happening and why you are getting a divorce. Don't throw your wife under the bus - just explain that you and your wife want different things out of marriage and you are unhappy. Reinforce that you love them and that you aren't leaving them.

 

Then just be on your own for a bit. You've lived without sex this long. You can last for another few months. Use this time to remember who you are as a single man. To do what you want with your free time. To re-normalize yourself to being free and autonomous.

 

Then - after, say 3 months, you can start thinking about dating. Don't even try to project how this will look, because I guarantee that once you are at this point, you will feel completely different than you imagine from where you stand now. You'll be a different person. Hopefully a better stronger person who knows what he wants. And if you are still not there, give yourself a little more time on your own.

 

For now, you need to focus on the first step - getting ready for divorce.

 

When you start moving forward with divorce, your wife may realize that isn't what she wants, and may start having sex with you to keep you from leaving. I would recommend going forward with a separation anyway, otherwise, she will stop again as soon as she feels you won't leave.

 

That's not to say your marriage is doomed, but it would take WORK to do so. If she does try to get you to change your mind, this is where you insist on counseling and some kind of plan to rebuild romance in your relationship.

 

But again - one step at a time. Call an attorney and go get the facts.

[SnapCracklePop]

I totally agree with the others advising you not to date at this time. You really don't want to complicate your situation further - or have external influences on any decision you make. It would also give fuel to your wife and if the laws in your area favour the wife, this will make matters even worse for you.

 

From the dates you mention, you have not been living as a married couple for a LONG time. Not sure about your area, but as long as you can say that you have not been living as a married couple (and sleeping in separate rooms, and no sex would help define this) - you can say you have been separated for over a year, which means you can file for divorce immediately - should you decide to go that route.

 

If you are still wishing to do counselling with her, keep on asking. Call her on her vows... "to love and cherish"... "what God has brought together, let no one put asunder" - and that does not only mean infidelity. That second part of the vow also means children, work, friends, and in your case your mother inlaw. You do not need to put your wife's mother on the street... but your wife does have obligations to your marriage which should be first and foremost.

 

You have a ton of good advice in this thread. The legal advise is a smart move. I am sure that when you were younger you did not envision living your life like this. You should NEVER feel guilty for wanting to have a happy and fulfilling life.

[niceface]

I totally agree with the others advising you not to date at this time. You really don't want to complicate your situation further - or have external influences on any decision you make. It would also give fuel to your wife and if the laws in your area favour the wife, this will make matters even worse for you.

 

From the dates you mention, you have not been living as a married couple for a LONG time. Not sure about your area, but as long as you can say that you have not been living as a married couple (and sleeping in separate rooms, and no sex would help define this) - you can say you have been separated for over a year, which means you can file for divorce immediately - should you decide to go that route.

 

If you are still wishing to do counselling with her, keep on asking. Call her on her vows... "to love and cherish"... "what God has brought together, let no one put asunder" - and that does not only mean infidelity. That second part of the vow also means children, work, friends, and in your case your mother inlaw. You do not need to put your wife's mother on the street... but your wife does have obligations to your marriage which should be first and foremost.

 

You have a ton of good advice in this thread. The legal advise is a smart move. I am sure that when you were younger you did not envision living your life like this. You should NEVER feel guilty for wanting to have a happy and fulfilling life.

 

I talked to 2 lawyers in 2003. Back then my kids were all under 18, so I held off to avoid the child support. I talked with another lawyer in 2006. Another one here in 2009. And 2 more in 2001. Plus I have talked with family counselors since 2005. All have told me that sleeping down the hall counts for nothing, that I have to move out and get my own place under VA law. Other states recognize that, but VA does not. I would have to live that way for 1 year before filing divorce papers. I can move back to my mother's place in Nashville, or go where I want to, but I must move out. I just keep hoping for a turnaround with her, but I am 99 percent sure nothing will ever happen. Ironically, my wife prays every night that her hearing will be healed. But I still cannot see what that has to do with us being intimate.

[violet1]

I talked to 2 lawyers in 2003. Back then my kids were all under 18, so I held off to avoid the child support. I talked with another lawyer in 2006. Another one here in 2009. And 2 more in 2001. Plus I have talked with family counselors since 2005. All have told me that sleeping down the hall counts for nothing, that I have to move out and get my own place under VA law. Other states recognize that, but VA does not. I would have to live that way for 1 year before filing divorce papers. I can move back to my mother's place in Nashville, or go where I want to, but I must move out. I just keep hoping for a turnaround with her, but I am 99 percent sure nothing will ever happen. Ironically, my wife prays every night that her hearing will be healed. But I still cannot see what that has to do with us being intimate.

 

Your story makes me sad. Why would your wife share a room with her mother instead of you? This is not a marriage. You've become so desperate for affection and intimacy you've been seeking out an affair. I've been there, except I actually had an affair. Not a good idea, it only makes things worse. You need to get out of your marriage plain and simple. I have a codependent spouse as well so I understand how hard it is. I'm waiting for a specific event and then I'm filing for divorce. BTW, if I was smart and not used a bandaid (having an affair) to keep my marriage going, I'd be divorced now and already on my way in starting over.

 

I suggest you let your fear go and make plan.

 

1. Start applying for jobs in Memphis. It's really not that uncommon to move to another state to start over after a divorce. Or if you want to stay in Richmond, start looking at apartments. Your kids are of age. Your wife doesn't need to know your new address. If she does find out, stand up for yourself and be firm. Kindly let her know that rekindling the M is not an option. You've been married 28 years. This is not going to be easy, but do not waste one more minute of your life.

 

2. See your attorney and start the divorce proceedings.

 

3. Get yourself heathly emotionally. Get back into therapy. Develop new hobbies, go to gym. Work on finding yourself again. Do things you enjoy and I'm not taking about the lady in Memphis.

 

Be single for awhile and let yourself grieve over the loss of a long term marriage. I really do wish you the best, but the fact is if you don't take care of yourself no one else will.

[lollipopspot]

My daughter started crying and would not eat for a few days when she thought I was leaving. She is 23 now, but is like a 12 year old emotionally, thanks to my wife raising in a very sheltered way.

 

It's good that you waited until your children were at least 18. But at this point...even a 12 year old learns to handle divorce. I was a lot younger when my parents divorced, and went through a lot more than that. I know it's hard, but don't keep looking for reasons for why you can't leave.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm not clear as to why it matters when exactly you can file.

 

Move out and start your own life if that's what you want.

 

And as for "what does hearing have to do with intimacy?"

 

Ask her.

Maybe she's in some kind of chronic pain.

And needs medical attention.

Maybe she's crazy.

Either way it does sound like an excuse and no reason to move into another room where she cant even give you a freaking handjob; but don't you want to know?

[bentleychic]

Alimony is a small price to pay for a happy life.

 

If she isn't willing to work on your situation or make things better, and you are miserable, then please... just hand her the check and go find yourself some happy.

 

You have one life. Things are replaceable. Money is replaceable. Your life isn't.

I agree so very much. You have one life. Live it happy.

 

I will not stay in a sexless marriage. Right or wrong. I understand a few weeks or if there are emergencies, injuries, post partum, etc., but otherwise? No.