Sexless marriage

[bentleychic]

Some states require no waiting time before filing for divorce and no long set times for residency, either. Have any vacation time coming?

 

Although unless you're in a hurry to get remarried, I'm not really sure why that part matters, to be honest.

[thefooloftheyear]

Alimony is a small price to pay for a happy life.

 

If she isn't willing to work on your situation or make things better, and you are miserable, then please... just hand her the check and go find yourself some happy.

 

You have one life. Things are replaceable. Money is replaceable. Your life isn't.

 

Its a lot easier to say stuff like this when you are on the receiving end of the check, which most women are..

 

Not to mention how difficult it is for the kid(s)...

 

Im not saying you are wrong, or that the advice is bad, but it really is amazing how people(not you, per se), think just getting up and walking away is so simple..

 

TFY

[bentleychic]

Its a lot easier to say stuff like this when you are on the receiving end of the check, which most women are..

 

Not to mention how difficult it is for the kid(s)...

 

Im not saying you are wrong, or that the advice is bad, but it really is amazing how people(not you, per se), think just getting up and walking away is so simple..

 

TFY

As someone that DID just get up and walk away after many year of marriage and a decent number of kids (that I took with me. He only chooses to have them 1 day every other weekend), NO it's not easy. But it's a hell of a lot easier than living in misery. And trust me when I say that the kids feel every bit of that misery. I won't say that adult children won't feel it, but it won't effect them nearly as much. MAYBE it'll give them the push to become independent and move out on their own out from under their mother's wing, too.

 

Yes, I'm a woman. Yes, I get a check, but not alimony and what I do get does not even cover groceries for 3 weeks. It was WELL worth it, though.

Edited January 1, 2014 by bentleychic

[Buckeye2]

planned to just move there on my own, because I knew she and her mother would be at my apt doorstep if I just stayed in the city I am in now.

 

A room down the hall doesn’t count but a nearby apartment does. Start the one year clock running. You have no mortgage, so you could afford to rent a small apartment.

 

Tell your wife that she is on probation. She can come to your nearby apartment to service you for the next year, or not. It’s up to her. If the service isn’t good enough, you will file for divorce.

[bentleychic]

A room down the hall doesn’t count but a nearby apartment does. Start the one year clock running. You have no mortgage, so you could afford to rent a small apartment.

 

Tell your wife that she is on probation. She can come to your nearby apartment to service you for the next year, or not. It’s up to her. If the service isn’t good enough, you will file for divorce.

Yeah, don't do that. 1)B/c it's disgusting. 2)B/c in most states, sexual intercourse w/ your spouse, even if you're living apart, starts the whole process over again so each time you f***, the one year would start over again. So if you get laid by your wife at day 364, you're screwed. And not in a good way.

[dreamingoftigers]

A room down the hall doesn’t count but a nearby apartment does. Start the one year clock running. You have no mortgage, so you could afford to rent a small apartment.

 

Tell your wife that she is on probation. She can come to your nearby apartment to service you for the next year, or not. It’s up to her. If the service isn’t good enough, you will file for divorce.

 

Yeah, um, yuck.

 

How sociopathic.

[Buckeye2]

Once every 6 weeks or so she wouldcome at night for sex to my bedroom.

 

Tell her that once every six weeks won’t cut it.

 

She is a Bible thumping fundamentalist.

 

Ephesians 5:22 “Wives,submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of thewife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself itsSavior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit ineverything to their husbands.”

[Buckeye2]

Yeah, um, yuck.

 

How sociopathic.

 

OK, keep doing nothing. A year from now you can bitch some more.

[dreamingoftigers]

OK, keep doing nothing. A year from now you can bitch some more.

 

Read my previous posts.

 

There are more (and healthier) options than:

 

1. Be sociopathic and demanding about it.

2. Do nothing and whine a year later.

 

I love sex. A lot. If I had a husband do this, I'd be more likely to projectile vomit on him than ever sleep with him, ever again. Now in theory he wants a WIFE that will sleep with him, not a walking flesh light that visits his apartment in exchange for him not divorcing her.

 

He'd have to be a pretty sh*tty human being to try use coercion for sex instead of leaving someone who doesn't want to sleep with him in the hopes of meeting someone who does.

 

Seriously: he'd be picking coerced sex from his wife who wouldn't want it instead of consensual sex with a woman who would want it. That's sick. Better to remain sexless than to be someone like that.

[dreamingoftigers]

Questions:

 

Are you sleeping with the other woman you've been emailing?

Because it sounds like you are already in an EA.

 

And......

 

Did you jerk that timeline around a bit?

Has your marriage really been sexless since the 2005?

[niceface]

It has been absolutely sexless since Jan of 2005.

 

Under VA law, I must move out to start the clock. My daughter will cry, but she is 23 now.

 

I am just trying to decide where to go and when to go. Her mother and her may cause me trouble if I stay in Richmond.

 

NO, I have not slept with any other woman, although that has crossed my mind with all of the dating sites out there.

 

Questions:

 

Are you sleeping with the other woman you've been emailing?

Because it sounds like you are already in an EA.

 

And......

 

Did you jerk that timeline around a bit?

Has your marriage really been sexless since the 2005?

[Robert Z]

We have been married for 28 years. In December of 1999 my wife's mother decided to move in with us when her own husband went to a nursing home with Alzheimers. My wife moved down the hall and has slept in the same room with her mother since 1999. They are very close to each other, because her mother took care of her when she was sick for many years before I met her. She is a Bible thumping fundamentalist. Once every 6 weeks or so she would come at night for sex to my bedroom. Then in January of 2005 it stopped all together. Instead of a husband, I feel like I was demoted to a 'brother' who brings home the paycheck and helps out around the house. She is a stay at home wife. My 3 kids are in their 20s now, but still live at home. I asked her to go to counseling with me years ago, but she refused, so I went on my own. Over the years I have been to not 1 but 5 different counselors. 4 concluded divorce and 1 (a church service) was on the fence about it. My own mother has urged me to leave her for years now. I just have not had the courage to up and leave. I know under Virginia law I would be paying her alimony for sure, since she does not draw a paycheck. She is otherwise a good person and all of her adult friends think that she is Gods gift to heaven. But none of them know what is happening behind closed doors. Her mother is very meek and walks in lockstep with whatever she says or does. My house is all paid for (no mortgage) and I would be leaving quite a bit if I left out, which makes it hard to leave, as I have put so much into the place over the last 20 years.

Comments/advice welcome here.

 

I can completely relate to your situation. We finally ended it. For the first time in fifteen years I am starting to imagine a future for myself that doesn't just involve work or being miserable.

 

We were married for 25 years and I went 10 years without sex.

 

Only recently I was finally able to relocate and completely walk away from my old life [and property]. The ex left some time ago but I was stuck for two years. I still feel a bit like a fish out of water but NOTHING was worth continuing as things were. You only live once. Don't waste the time you have. I didn't end it until I had a very close brush with suicide [my finger was on the trigger and I had started to pull! It was that close].

 

I have a sugar baby and have been seeing her for two years now. She is a 23 year old lingerie model. She is incredibly beautiful. She treats me wonderfully. And we have a blast together. And another perk - she spent more on me for Christmas than I spent on her! LOL!!!

Edited January 1, 2014 by Robert Z

[niceface]

I can completely relate to your situation. We finally ended it. For the first time in fifteen years I am starting to imagine a future for myself that doesn't just involve work or being miserable.

 

We were married for 25 years and I went 10 years without sex.

 

Only recently I was finally able to relocate and completely walk away from my old life [and property]. The ex left some time ago but I was stuck for two years. I still feel a bit like a fish out of water but NOTHING was worth continuing as things were. You only live once. Don't waste the time you have. I didn't end it until I had a very close brush with suicide [my finger was on the trigger and I had started to pull! It was that close].

 

I have a sugar baby and have been seeing her for two years now. She is a 23 year old lingerie model. She is incredibly beautiful. She treats me wonderfully. And we have a blast together. And another perk - she spent more on me for Christmas than I spent on her! LOL!!!

 

When you left, did you leave a note when she was not around and just get your clothes and drive off? My wife is always at the house, except on afternoon each week when she goes to the grocery store. That would really be my only time to escape. I thought of leaving very early on any morning, but I have a lot of clothes to get out of the house and her bedroom is halfway between the carport door and my bedroom. She would catch me leaving and cause a ruckus, along with her mother, who ALWAYS agrees with her.

[lollipopspot]

When you left, did you leave a note when she was not around and just get your clothes and drive off? My wife is always at the house, except on afternoon each week when she goes to the grocery store. That would really be my only time to escape. I thought of leaving very early on any morning, but I have a lot of clothes to get out of the house and her bedroom is halfway between the carport door and my bedroom. She would catch me leaving and cause a ruckus, along with her mother, who ALWAYS agrees with her.

 

Escape? What are they going to do to you? Are they dangerous (i.e., this sounds like something a battered woman needs to do to escape her violent husband), or are you just really conflict avoidant?

 

What specifically are your concerns about what they're going to do to you at a new place if it's in the area, and at work?

Edited January 2, 2014 by lollipopspot

[dreamingoftigers]

When you left, did you leave a note when she was not around and just get your clothes and drive off? My wife is always at the house, except on afternoon each week when she goes to the grocery store. That would really be my only time to escape. I thought of leaving very early on any morning, but I have a lot of clothes to get out of the house and her bedroom is halfway between the carport door and my bedroom. She would catch me leaving and cause a ruckus, along with her mother, who ALWAYS agrees with her.

 

Stop being such a chicken-sh*t.

 

Second one on here this week.

Just tell her. Have your plan. Make your move be done with it.

People will cry and be angry. Yes, yes they will. Quit avoiding it and be a man that your daughter can respect. Yes she will cry. And you can be there to hold her and tell her that you aren't just going to run from HER because she cried.

 

Really? A note and running away with your clothes?

 

You better cancel the school bus and let them know your math homework is going to be late. Say hi to the lunch lady for me.

 

You want sex and intimacy in your life?

DEAL with the people that you want away from first.

If you can't deal with the fallout of this (which should really be expected at this point) then you CAN'T DEAL WITH SEX AND INTIMACY.

 

Your wife doesn't HAVE TO AGREE with you. You are (in theory) a grown man.

 

I can't underline this enough:

 

Think to yourself before you do anything "would a man with self-respect and respect for others do this?"

[lollipopspot]

Something else occurs to me:

 

You say that your 3 adult children are living in the house "thanks to my wife raising in a very sheltered way." But think about this: YOU are modeling a lot of fear of leaving home, to your children. You talk about "escaping" your house. Unless I'm not understanding something, the way that your children turned out is a co-creation of what their 2 parents modeled for them. It might be helpful to you to take some self-inventory about who you are as an adult man in relationship to your wife. I don't have all the information, but from what you provide it sounds child-like, really.

[dreamingoftigers]

Something else occurs to me:

 

You say that your 3 adult children are living in the house "thanks to my wife raising in a very sheltered way." But think about this: YOU are modeling a lot of fear of leaving home, to your children. You talk about "escaping" your house. Unless I'm not understanding something, the way that your children turned out is a co-creation of what their 2 parents modeled for them. It might be helpful to you to take some self-inventory about who you are as an adult man in relationship to your wife. I don't have all the information, but from what you provide it sounds child-like, really.

 

Conflict-avoidant men usually see their wives as more of a "punishing mother figure."

 

I hate to admit this but on Christmas Day I saw an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. in a waiting room.

 

I had heard about it before and it was actually DUMBER than I had imagined but the one thing I DID notice was how mr. Jenner was a total example of conflict avoidance. He just didn't talk with his wife and express what he wanted. He'd sneak behind her back to get a putting green put into his house when she was away. He thought this was "standing up for himself." No it wasn't! It was total sneaking and conflict-avoidance.

 

He could've just said. "I want a putting green. We're selfish bazillionaires and it won't take up that much space."

 

Instead, she nicely got him a surprise of renting Him a beach house for some more space for him and the kids. When he realized that he felt he had to put a stop on the putting green project at his house.

But she came back early to heavy equipment ripping up their yard and everyone acting like "oh God she found out."

How did she react? Was she a big bad scary monster?

No. She was hurt that he thought so poorly of her that he didn't just talk to her and in fact bitched about her to the kids, the camera etc etc.

 

And honestly, that's pretty upsetting.

And conflict-avoidance breeds upset in the other party because they NEVER know when you are actually angry/upset/want to change something. Conflict-avoidance is lying by omission IMHO.

 

So the wife thinks the arrangement may suck a bit but there hasn't been much fuss since 2005 and she gets to be left with a note and the clothes from the closet gone?

 

Really? That is how this guy is going to "stand up for who he is?" That is so dysfunctional.

 

I am so sorry to everyone for using the Kardashians as an example of anything.

[niceface]

I confronted her directly several times over the last 5 years and I ended up just backing down, because they gang up on me. I don't want that to happen again.

 

Only my daughter is sheltered. My son was in the Infantry in S. Korea and then served a tour of duty doing night patrols in Iraq. My second son is big into the MMA scene now. Not exactly sheltered, at least not anymore.

 

Conflict-avoidant men usually see their wives as more of a "punishing mother figure."

 

I hate to admit this but on Christmas Day I saw an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. in a waiting room.

 

I had heard about it before and it was actually DUMBER than I had imagined but the one thing I DID notice was how mr. Jenner was a total example of conflict avoidance. He just didn't talk with his wife and express what he wanted. He'd sneak behind her back to get a putting green put into his house when she was away. He thought this was "standing up for himself." No it wasn't! It was total sneaking and conflict-avoidance.

 

He could've just said. "I want a putting green. We're selfish bazillionaires and it won't take up that much space."

 

Instead, she nicely got him a surprise of renting Him a beach house for some more space for him and the kids. When he realized that he felt he had to put a stop on the putting green project at his house.

But she came back early to heavy equipment ripping up their yard and everyone acting like "oh God she found out."

How did she react? Was she a big bad scary monster?

No. She was hurt that he thought so poorly of her that he didn't just talk to her and in fact bitched about her to the kids, the camera etc etc.

 

And honestly, that's pretty upsetting.

And conflict-avoidance breeds upset in the other party because they NEVER know when you are actually angry/upset/want to change something. Conflict-avoidance is lying by omission IMHO.

 

So the wife thinks the arrangement may suck a bit but there hasn't been much fuss since 2005 and she gets to be left with a note and the clothes from the closet gone?

 

Really? That is how this guy is going to "stand up for who he is?" That is so dysfunctional.

 

I am so sorry to everyone for using the Kardashians as an example of anything.

[dreamingoftigers]

I confronted her directly several times over the last 5 years and I ended up just backing down, because they gang up on me. I don't want that to happen again.

 

Only my daughter is sheltered. My son was in the Infantry in S. Korea and then served a tour of duty doing night patrols in Iraq. My second son is big into the MMA scene now. Not exactly sheltered, at least not anymore.

 

Then don't back down and tell your wife it is between you and her and not between, you, her, her mother, your daughter, the pizza guy, and the neighbour's dog.

 

Do not accept a gang-up and if they want to gang-up then the conversation is over.

 

Make a list of what you want to say and say it.

 

Grab those balls and remind yourself what they are there for. Seriously. The word TESTIFY came from a Roman gesture of taking oaths while more or less swearing on your testicles. TESTIFY to your truth and do not let others shake it.

 

If you want to go, go. Don't let fear, guilt or rationalization hold you back. TESTIFY to your feelings and your truth.

 

Talk to a lawyer first though. Figure out rights and divisions etc.

 

If you go running out the back door all chicken-like, you ll go running back in later. You'll freeze. You'll get anxiety. You'll have regrets and guilt big-time.

 

Do not let them shut you up. Stand tall and stand up for yourself.

 

NO MORE EXCUSES.

[dreamingoftigers]

Just remember: I post scarier than your wife guilts. And I don't need a bible to back me up.

 

If you don't stand up for yourself. I will type in ALL CAPS. ALL CAPS!

 

I'm kidding.

 

But really, is it shouting, tears, anger, guilt-trip?

 

What is it that triggers you to back down from wanting a basic need met?

[Yasuandio]

So now the pu--y pulls the "Thank you for your service" card - to attempt to make us feel bad. Oh, dear. Don't we feel like crap now for stating our positions? Yas

[dreamingoftigers]

The reason I ask is that my parents do "gang-up shout/guilt/insult."

And I just tell them I am not having it and they can stow it until later. I won't talk to them not calm. In fact, I won't talk to them if I AM not calm.

 

I check before I talk to them or my husband to see if I am calm enough. I do the "dog test." If I would tell and freak out on the dog for getting in the garbage with the mood I am in, I don't talk to them yet. Sometimes I am so stressed that I can tell the dog would hide from me for two weeks. That's when I make damn sure not to talk to anyone. (No I don't ever hurt the dog).

 

The second I feel my face flush, a conversation is concluded for the day or what have you. It is done. But I don't let my point of view be twisted.

 

Now you don't have to swallow a whole divorce-elephant in an afternoon.

But you can tell your wife that you will be moving shortly, separating and looking for a place. You can point-blank tell her that you've lost all respect for a woman you've married that has not shown an interest in being intimate with you for a solid good reason since 2005. 2005 is when I MET my husband. We've had a long enough marriage for it to go from honeymoon to disaster with a four year old daughter. That's a LONG time.

 

You can have your things packed. You can tough out a week or two. Get your feet on the ground and get moving.

 

You will not let these women eff with you anymore. Your wife hasn't wanted to screw you since 2005, there's no reason for her to screw with your emotions now.

[dreamingoftigers]

I confronted her directly several times over the last 5 years and I ended up just backing down, because they gang up on me. I don't want that to happen again.

 

Only my daughter is sheltered. My son was in the Infantry in S. Korea and then served a tour of duty doing night patrols in Iraq. My second son is big into the MMA scene now. Not exactly sheltered, at least not anymore.

 

And your son in South Korea.....

Do you think he would back down if a group of women came down North Korea and ganged up on him nagging him to leave and abandon his post in South Korea?

 

Do you think Dennis Rodman is over there now telling Kim Jong-un how to "nag to defeat Americans."

[Yasuandio]

And your son in South Korea.....

Do you think he would back down if a group of women came down North Korea and ganged up on him nagging him to leave and abandon his post in South Korea?

 

Do you think Dennis Rodman is over there now telling Kim Jong-un how to "nag to defeat Americans."

 

Don't waste your time on this sissy, DOT. Forget it. He's a gonner. The whole story plot of this catastophie was totally weird from the start. If we were to switch out one or two characters for zombees, we would have a great mega-million dollar film production. Yas

Edited January 2, 2014 by Yasuandio

[cozycottagelg]

Take your wife out and tell her when you are alone. Not with the whole family around.

 

You have let her make all your decisions for decades, and in return, you don't even get to have sex.

 

Get out of there. Make this one decision.

 

You say she would show up on your door step? Really? She can't even make it down the hall to sleep with you in 10 years.