Sexless marriage

[niceface]

Thanks, DOT. I copied your letter and will probably use it word for word.

I will add it to a letter I already had prepared, where I explain how I have waited year after year for a change, and a couple of other things that a lawyer suggested I put in it. The only part I will not use is the last sentence, that asks her how it should take shape. Her answer would simply be, 'stay where you are and shut up'. No point in asking that question.

 

Thanks again!

 

Doug

 

Oh gawd.

 

Don't divorce her over the sexless marriage.

Alex Jones should be ammended to be considered fault in every state. Divorce her because of Alex Jones.

I don't care if he is right, wrong or in between. He's aggravating!

 

Lay your cards out.

 

"Can you talk to me privately?"

" I need us both to stay calm while we talk because I can't handle a large upset. Do you think we can do that now or when is a good time?"

 

"I wrote a letter because there's a lot of information that might take awhile to get out if we tried to talk about it."

-------------------

"This situation of us not being intimate is no longer working for me. At all. I have tried to approach it in various way throughout the years. Maybe not enough. Maybe not in a big enough way.

 

I feel used. I feel that my intimate needs as a man and partner are not valued. I understand that you have a medical condition but it has been DECIDED FOR ME that I will live without a sexual or intimate partner without even seeing if that was OKAY with me.

 

I am still expected to provide for all of the basics as husband and father while being isolated.

You and your mother may believe that I am destined for Hell if I leave. But living without feeling loved and appreciated is ALREADY like Hell, and that is not up to either of you to decide for me AND is my personal business.

 

The resent of this situation including not putting a greater priority on our partnership and my feelings has caused me to want to leave. Permanently.

 

I understand that you still do valuable things that you put effort into. Your meals are delicious to cite one example. But I am willing to give up everything to have a CHANCE of feeling loved and appreciated for who I AM in the emotional and intimate sense instead of what I CAN PROVIDE. Which is EXACTLY how I feel.

 

You can choose to ignore this. You can be upset, angry or indifferent. Although I care about how you feel, the result IS THE SAME. I AM ALONE IN MY BED. And nothing else replaces that.

 

This is to let you know that the current situation is unsustainable. It WILL change. It already IS changing by me addressing it. I am not in any way trying to threaten or blindside you. But I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THIS and it is UNREALISTIC to morally bully me ("threats of Hell etc.") For me to continue.

 

When you feel that we can rationally discuss Next Steps, let me know. But there are going to be NEXT STEPS. And just for future reference, this situation at this point is between us. I do not welcome the input of your mother or our children at this point. If their living situation changes and when our relational status changes we can INFORM them and deal with their feelings AT THAT TIME. I am not soliciting their opinions. I have my own

 

Let me know how you think this should take shape,

 

niceface

 

(PS Alex Jones sucks)

[dreamingoftigers]

Thanks, DOT. I copied your letter and will probably use it word for word.

I will add it to a letter I already had prepared, where I explain how I have waited year after year for a change, and a couple of other things that a lawyer suggested I put in it. The only part I will not use is the last sentence, that asks her how it should take shape. Her answer would simply be, 'stay where you are and shut up'. No point in asking that question.

 

Thanks again!

 

Doug

 

Yo, Doug,

 

You can throw a draft up on here too.

 

To be frank.

I get pretty irritated with my husband when we argue. I will often write out REALLY scathing texts or "I want a divorce, Jerkface" letters. But I don't send them. They usually take 20 mins/half an hour to draft and I have found (through rather odd and obsessive trial and error) that it takes me about 22 mins to calm down and soften and reorganize my message. God forbid I get smucked by a semi next week and he reads through my email drafts.

 

I put that letter together using my phone over lunch. There are probably some edits and repetition. But you get the idea.

 

You might want to use more of your own voice. When I write I try to put myself in the message deliverers shoes and figure out who their audience is. So thanks for the feedback.

 

However. Be warned. Your letter is NOT likely to be well-received. And she probably will NOT be calm when she approaches you.

 

Try to not freak out but HOLD YOUR GROUND. Stay calm and strong. Use focus like your son would as a soldier and just retain your own discipline. I am envisioning dealing with hurt and then Alex Jones-like anger. STAY CALM. DO NOT CAVE DO NOT TAKE THE BAIT.

and simply say, "yes. It IS upsetting. I HEAR YOU. But I cannot handle talking about it with ANYONE unless you are calm or we are in a counselor's office (not to repair the marriage per se, but often counselor's can provide at least a TEMPORARY buffer zone to get the message delivered straight. AND provide the emotional supports for your wife's fallout. And you will be less likely to cave.

 

Yes. There will be anxiety. There is ALWAYS FEAR with change. It is PART OF THE PROCESS. Acknowledge it. Don't try to push it down. I learn EVERYDAY that the anxiety and "demons" are actually only in my head. It isn't as cold and bitter out as I fear when looking out the window almost every single day. (Okay bad example because I actually got frostbite for the first time two weeks ago. That day was colder than I expected. )

 

You are not the first person to demand change in an unhealthy situation. You won't be the last. You'll survive. Alex Jones will still suck. If you persevere the quality of your life might improve. And if it does drop dramatically, you've learned a bunch, gotten stronger and know how to get it alk back.

 

By the way. I do think that the last line is important because you aren't just saying "so, um, can I go now?"

 

You are giving her the CHANCE to VOICE what would help the transition with LESS animosity.

 

She will probably not take it. She may break right down. She may spit in your face. (Literally)

 

But YOU gave the chance. YOU opened the dialogue. And that may be the best you can do now. You can't control how she chooses to react. But you CAN control the direction you place your choices in.

[Yasuandio]

You know, last night, it's strange, a similar signal was transmited through my foil high-light frequency an-tin-a-tint system regarding your wife's (and perhaps MIL's) reaction to the letter, and some second thoughts thereto.

 

Dot mentioned stand strong like like a soldier - and I do not disagree.

 

I am confused - what is the goal of the letter?

 

A. There will be change or you are leaving? (Basically, an ultimatum).

 

Or

 

B. You are out of there, it is too late, period. Done and done.

 

------------------------------------------------------------

If it is "B," I'm not sure a detailed explanation in the tone of that letter is something you want on the record during a divorce proceeding in your case. Here is my reasoning - all the points are obvious (so why put it in a form of written evidence?

 

In a Court situation, a good faithful long-term wife, taking care of elderly mother is going to gain more sympathy than lack of intimacy or horniness. I could see it possible - your wife AirPrint you and making one big huge scene in Court that will wreck your finances for life - depending on what state you live in.

 

Furthmore, what occured to me (granted - I do not have children), but I have heard about the bond that develops when you care for your child. Now hear me out on this concept. I think we could agree some parents, even the calmest most subdued parent's instincts might even cause them go into a "fight" mode to protect their child. You wife has been possibly caring for her mum as if she were a helpless child - and she may well be - IDK. This point is relevant for both options "A" and "B" as you may still want to live there in peace. And in this case, the letter could suggest to you wife (in her current mental state that she has to make a choice between her mum and you. [When, in a healthier state - your wife would even choose a wiser arrangment to help her marriage - perhaps].

 

So -- what solution can I offer?

 

There is the Reverse Ultimatum devised by Mimi Tanner. It, in your case might look like this: everything like a separation leading to a divorce starts happening to the point your wife notices - you just say nothing (cause you've already said it all. You disengage, where it hits home, slowly. For example, those nice meals she enjoys preparing for you, miss a few, "sorry, won' be home for dinner tonight." Next week, miss miss a few more, and mention you are going out of town for weekend to visit your parents or a get-away, you can even invite her (cause, thank god you know the answer!). Continue your preparation with attorney.

 

While you get close to completion of paperwork, start getting you new place set up concurrently (yes, you have to go through with that - probably so in either case - cause she's not going to get the letter till she see action , it will just be arguing). With Reverse Ultimatum - there is no arguing - stuff just starts happening. She is in charge of making her own choices rather than being coersed or pushed into changes. Just keep backing away, and working on yourself. Everyday, take some stuff to your new pad, seriously man. Do your own laundry at the new place (yes, your laundry needs are going to start disappearing a little at a time). Stop blaming and complaining, "oh, how bad it is." Correct it, if she truly wants a normalized husband-wife relationship, then

she'll have to get with the program - although - it may be to late. Sign a one year lease. If you come back together - you have to start anew fresh relationship - the other has been dead for some time.

 

Hope this helps, Yas

 

PS you can read about RU on Internet - and subscribe to newsletter on email. You don't need to buy the product - just get the basic concepts down (even though it is written for women - you'll get the idea).

 

Of Course -- check everything you do with attorney.

Edited January 20, 2014 by Yasuandio

[Iguanna]

I just want to point out one thing, as you have previously more or less said what I would say: This man who stayed and tolerated his wife's unacceptable behavior is not way less to blame than herself. We say "you hit me first time, shame on you, second time, shame on me". He has stayed and has tolerated everything, for God knows what reasons. He has to accept his responsibilities to move forward and learn his lesson so he doesn't act like this again.

 

One other thing that surprised me was counselors advising people to divorce. I really thought that counselors are not allowed to advise people what to do in their lives. Counseling is supposed to help someone realizing his feelings, thoughts, opinions, and act accordingly. I wouldn't trust a counselor who would ADVISE someone to divorce. I find it unprofessional.

 

OP your wife has made you a total doormat and she stepped on you with all her being. She has brought her mother in this too. You should have reacted when she started sleeping with her mother instead with her husband. That's bizarre. If you are not hiding anything else and your story is true, you have to get out of this situation and fast. You seem too self-indulgent and you have to be a man and fix your life. Give her the check (I guess that's what she wants you for anyway) and go be happy. We only live once. I pity her, she must be really unhappy. Also try to help your kids get out of the house and do things for their lives.

[niceface]

Been up all night in my empty bedroom again here....

The 3 attorneys I have talked to just seem like they are money grubbers and do not have much of anything to tell me except "move out". In VA, nothing happens until I do that. Just trying to decide whether to stay in Richmond or move to Nashville. I would save mucho expenses by moving back to my mom's place in Nashville and would not have to sign any lease. But I would have to resign from my good job with a Fortune 14 company here in Richmond if I did that.

Just a side note here: For the last 6 years I have been in touch with a lady who lives in Nashville that I dated before I met my wife. She is still single and her net worth is about six million dollars. She wants me to come back to her. Only small strike against her is she is 62 and I am 57. Lots of younger ladies are out there. Anyway, just a side note.

 

You know, last night, it's strange, a similar signal was transmited through my foil high-light frequency an-tin-a-tint system regarding your wife's (and perhaps MIL's) reaction to the letter, and some second thoughts thereto.

 

Dot mentioned stand strong like like a soldier - and I do not disagree.

 

I am confused - what is the goal of the letter?

 

A. There will be change or you are leaving? (Basically, an ultimatum).

 

Or

 

B. You are out of there, it is too late, period. Done and done.

 

------------------------------------------------------------

If it is "B," I'm not sure a detailed explanation in the tone of that letter is something you want on the record during a divorce proceeding in your case. Here is my reasoning - all the points are obvious (so why put it in a form of written evidence?

 

In a Court situation, a good faithful long-term wife, taking care of elderly mother is going to gain more sympathy than lack of intimacy or horniness. I could see it possible - your wife AirPrint you and making one big huge scene in Court that will wreck your finances for life - depending on what state you live in.

 

Furthmore, what occured to me (granted - I do not have children), but I have heard about the bond that develops when you care for your child. Now hear me out on this concept. I think we could agree some parents, even the calmest most subdued parent's instincts might even cause them go into a "fight" mode to protect their child. You wife has been possibly caring for her mum as if she were a helpless child - and she may well be - IDK. This point is relevant for both options "A" and "B" as you may still want to live there in peace. And in this case, the letter could suggest to you wife (in her current mental state that she has to make a choice between her mum and you. [When, in a healthier state - your wife would even choose a wiser arrangment to help her marriage - perhaps].

 

So -- what solution can I offer?

 

There is the Reverse Ultimatum devised by Mimi Tanner. It, in your case might look like this: everything like a separation leading to a divorce starts happening to the point your wife notices - you just say nothing (cause you've already said it all. You disengage, where it hits home, slowly. For example, those nice meals she enjoys preparing for you, miss a few, "sorry, won' be home for dinner tonight." Next week, miss miss a few more, and mention you are going out of town for weekend to visit your parents or a get-away, you can even invite her (cause, thank god you know the answer!). Continue your preparation with attorney.

 

While you get close to completion of paperwork, start getting you new place set up concurrently (yes, you have to go through with that - probably so in either case - cause she's not going to get the letter till she see action , it will just be arguing). With Reverse Ultimatum - there is no arguing - stuff just starts happening. She is in charge of making her own choices rather than being coersed or pushed into changes. Just keep backing away, and working on yourself. Everyday, take some stuff to your new pad, seriously man. Do your own laundry at the new place (yes, your laundry needs are going to start disappearing a little at a time). Stop blaming and complaining, "oh, how bad it is." Correct it, if she truly wants a normalized husband-wife relationship, then

she'll have to get with the program - although - it may be to late. Sign a one year lease. If you come back together - you have to start anew fresh relationship - the other has been dead for some time.

 

Hope this helps, Yas

 

PS you can read about RU on Internet - and subscribe to newsletter on email. You don't need to buy the product - just get the basic concepts down (even though it is written for women - you'll get the idea).

 

Of Course -- check everything you do with attorney.

[Iguanna]

In my opinion it's better for you to keep your job and rent a house so your kids can visit you or stay with you, if you leave them they will think you abandoned them. No need to leave your stable job just cause you leave your wife. Move one step at a time and if a new element is added later, then you can reconsider. You are not alone, there are many people who go through hard situations, there are people who are sick and would kill to just go out for a coffee. I'm not saying the situation you are in is a good and easy one, but things will eventually get better, only way it goes, if they are bad they get better. Talk to your kids honestly and tell them your intentions. Open your heart to them and go on with your plan. Have some friends and family support you with what you do. Good luck.

[niceface]

If I tear away slowly, it will end up hurting a lot more. Better to make a clean break.

 

You know, last night, it's strange, a similar signal was transmited through my foil high-light frequency an-tin-a-tint system regarding your wife's (and perhaps MIL's) reaction to the letter, and some second thoughts thereto.

 

Dot mentioned stand strong like like a soldier - and I do not disagree.

 

I am confused - what is the goal of the letter?

 

A. There will be change or you are leaving? (Basically, an ultimatum).

 

Or

 

B. You are out of there, it is too late, period. Done and done.

 

------------------------------------------------------------

If it is "B," I'm not sure a detailed explanation in the tone of that letter is something you want on the record during a divorce proceeding in your case. Here is my reasoning - all the points are obvious (so why put it in a form of written evidence?

 

In a Court situation, a good faithful long-term wife, taking care of elderly mother is going to gain more sympathy than lack of intimacy or horniness. I could see it possible - your wife AirPrint you and making one big huge scene in Court that will wreck your finances for life - depending on what state you live in.

 

Furthmore, what occured to me (granted - I do not have children), but I have heard about the bond that develops when you care for your child. Now hear me out on this concept. I think we could agree some parents, even the calmest most subdued parent's instincts might even cause them go into a "fight" mode to protect their child. You wife has been possibly caring for her mum as if she were a helpless child - and she may well be - IDK. This point is relevant for both options "A" and "B" as you may still want to live there in peace. And in this case, the letter could suggest to you wife (in her current mental state that she has to make a choice between her mum and you. [When, in a healthier state - your wife would even choose a wiser arrangment to help her marriage - perhaps].

 

So -- what solution can I offer?

 

There is the Reverse Ultimatum devised by Mimi Tanner. It, in your case might look like this: everything like a separation leading to a divorce starts happening to the point your wife notices - you just say nothing (cause you've already said it all. You disengage, where it hits home, slowly. For example, those nice meals she enjoys preparing for you, miss a few, "sorry, won' be home for dinner tonight." Next week, miss miss a few more, and mention you are going out of town for weekend to visit your parents or a get-away, you can even invite her (cause, thank god you know the answer!). Continue your preparation with attorney.

 

While you get close to completion of paperwork, start getting you new place set up concurrently (yes, you have to go through with that - probably so in either case - cause she's not going to get the letter till she see action , it will just be arguing). With Reverse Ultimatum - there is no arguing - stuff just starts happening. She is in charge of making her own choices rather than being coersed or pushed into changes. Just keep backing away, and working on yourself. Everyday, take some stuff to your new pad, seriously man. Do your own laundry at the new place (yes, your laundry needs are going to start disappearing a little at a time). Stop blaming and complaining, "oh, how bad it is." Correct it, if she truly wants a normalized husband-wife relationship, then

she'll have to get with the program - although - it may be to late. Sign a one year lease. If you come back together - you have to start anew fresh relationship - the other has been dead for some time.

 

Hope this helps, Yas

 

PS you can read about RU on Internet - and subscribe to newsletter on email. You don't need to buy the product - just get the basic concepts down (even though it is written for women - you'll get the idea).

 

Of Course -- check everything you do with attorney.

[Yasuandio]

You have mentioned the six million dollar woman in Nashville more than once. Although, I recall, you did point out her tread is showing to be a bit warn. If your parents are there, why not take a visit. People buy used tires all the time. I lay scratch with my low profile Polentas all time, and just took them in to be rotated this week. After 5 years - I thought for sure Tire Plus was gonna tell me I needed new tires! But no, they scored a 5/6 rating. Man, those are some great tires! I'm good another year or so.

 

Pure sex is not going to answer your problems. You might as well put the rubber to the road and find out for yourself, before you walk off the marriage, or move out of state. A trip to Nashville could accomplish this, and provide some new perspective. You wouldn't be on LS if you didn't have some reservations. Hope this helps. Yas

Edited January 26, 2014 by Yasuandio

[niceface]

Saying my mom was sick as an excuse and that my 2 brothers would be there visiting (who I had not seen in about 30 years because of the wife) I made my trip to Nashville last July, which also included 2 job interviews that the wife did not know about. My dad died in 2001 (the wife would not let me go to his funeral, btw). When I came back home from the interviews I already had 1 job offer in my pocket and planned to resign from my current job and leave on the day she went to the grocery store. Problem was when I returned home, I found out that one of the recruiters had called my house and mentioned the interview while I was in Nashville. This info had set all of them off on the homefront and my daughter had not eaten anything in 3 days. That caused me to back down. Naturally my mom was mad as hell when she found out I had backed down. I talk to Jane (the rich lady) every week and she is glad every time I call her.

Current news: Today I contacted a recruiter in Nashville and said I was available to relocate. I thought it would be some time before I would hear anything, but surprisingly, it was only 1 hour later they replied back and said there was an opening at a big company down there (a permanent job, not just a contract) and I qualified for it nicely. It was the same recruiter I had dealt with last July, so she asked me if I was going to back down again this time. I told her no, so she is going to see about setting me up for an interview. The big catch to that, is I would have to interview in person. No way I can drive down to Nashville and back in 1 day and keep it all secret. But I would have to return until I hear a decicsion before I resign from my current good job. It's a dilemma.

 

You have mentioned the six million dollar woman in Nashville more than once. Although, I recall, you did point out her tread is showing to be a bit warn. If your parents are there, why not take a visit. People buy used tires all the time. I lay scratch with my low profile Polentas all time, and just took them in to be rotated this week. After 5 years - I thought for sure Tire Plus was gonna tell me I needed new tires! But no, they scored a 5/6 rating. Man, those are some great tires! I'm good another year or so.

 

Pure sex is not going to answer your problems. You might as well put the rubber to the road and find out for yourself, before you walk off the marriage, or move out of state. A trip to Nashville could accomplish this, and provide some new perspective. You wouldn't be on LS if you didn't have some reservations. Hope this helps. Yas

Edited January 28, 2014 by niceface

[lollipopspot]

Just a side note here: For the last 6 years I have been in touch with a lady who lives in Nashville that I dated before I met my wife. She is still single and her net worth is about six million dollars. She wants me to come back to her. Only small strike against her is she is 62 and I am 57. Lots of younger ladies are out there.

 

If you're not really into her romantically, don't date her for the money. That should go without saying, no? No one wants to be used as a resource.

 

Saying my mom was sick as an excuse and that my 2 brothers would be there visiting (who I had not seen in about 30 years because of the wife) I made my trip to Nashville last July, which also included 2 job interviews that the wife did not know about. My dad died in 2001 (the wife would not let me go to his funeral, btw)...

 

If you get into a new relationship, what in you will keep you from being this same guy again? If you're not changing in this relationship, what evidence is there that you will stand up in another one?

 

Your posts are a bit baffling to me in that usually when I see this dynamic of the spouse who is too scared to act, it's usually a woman (generally older or with children) who has no financial security outside of her husband. Most other people who aren't financially dependent on their spouse would walk, if they were being treated like this.

 

Your wife wouldn't let you go to your dad's funeral? And you are the primary earner? How'd you let that happen?

 

If your self esteem is really beaten down, I don't want to beat you down further, but I think you really need to think about how you ended up in this mess. She didn't make you this way, you allowed yourself to be treated this way. Why?

Edited January 28, 2014 by lollipopspot

[niceface]

Because she is basically a good God-fearing person. It is hard to fight 'goodness', although she has done me wrong. Also, she always says she is physically sick. But she has had bad experiences with medical doctors. She is always talking about loving and living for God, loving children, loving pets.

All makes for a good person, when there is just so much slop out there in the media and the culture now. But I also have not been fulfilled as a husband. You can compare her to Florence Nightengale (a G rated movie--the kind she would only see, was made about her). For many years, our TV was switched off and we only watch G rated movies in the VCR and later DVD. We have watched every Roy Rogers movie he made. It was not until years later did I learn about Seinfeld, etc.

About the rich lady in Nashville, I would only be hurting myself if I married her for money. In spite of her waiting around in the sidelines for the last 6 years, she still wants me to call her every week. And of course I took her to dinner and to the Grand Ole Opry when I visited last July. My wife has money she got from her dad too (which I knew nothing about when I married her).

 

Just more thoughts here. I appreciate everyone's posts here, btw. Much cheaper than seeing some family counselor, which I did last year.

 

If you're not really into her romantically, don't date her for the money. That should go without saying, no? No one wants to be used as a resource.

 

 

 

If you get into a new relationship, what in you will keep you from being this same guy again? If you're not changing in this relationship, what evidence is there that you will stand up in another one?

 

Your posts are a bit baffling to me in that usually when I see this dynamic of the spouse who is too scared to act, it's usually a woman (generally older or with children) who has no financial security outside of her husband. Most other people who aren't financially dependent on their spouse would walk, if they were being treated like this.

 

Your wife wouldn't let you go to your dad's funeral? And you are the primary earner? How'd you let that happen?

 

If your self esteem is really beaten down, I don't want to beat you down further, but I think you really need to think about how you ended up in this mess. She didn't make you this way, you allowed yourself to be treated this way. Why?

Edited January 28, 2014 by niceface

[Iguanna]

How can you consider good a person who doesn't let someone go to their father's funeral? Oh man, you've been so much brainwashed and emasculated. This is not the real world you are living in all these years. Women who love their husbands don't hide from them money their father gave them, they don't prefer to sleep with their mother, they don't emasculate their husband like this, they don't ignore them when they seem so desperate to change something. She may be a good person, loving kids and animals, making charities etc, but she failed to be a good wife and care for your own happiness. It's almost as if she used you to reproduce. For God's sake. Go to this interview, file for divorce, give her the check she needs and get out of there to see how the real world is like. Do it. Do it. Do it.

[mukkrakker]

My house is all paid for (no mortgage) and I would be leaving quite a bit if I left out

 

Instead, how about you throw her out?

Or at least use it as a negotiating position.

[CarrieT]

If I tear away slowly, it will end up hurting a lot more. Better to make a clean break.

 

Hurt WHO a lot more?

 

Who is it better for to make a clean break? Because if you are thinking of your wife and family, it will be far from clean - it will be a monstrous shock. You already mentioned the one time you started to and your daughter didn't eat for three days.

 

You have already emotionally checked out of the marriage so you have begun the process of a break.

 

Have you written that letter yet and given it to your wife? I think the honorable thing to do would be let her know that after so many years, you are planning on leaving. Give her a chance to start making plans...

[man_in_the_box]

For the love of god push something through now. They've already noticed something is changing so what's the point of trying to tip-toe around it? Your daughter hasn't eaten in 3 days? A good dose of reality is what she needs - although I'm probably stating the obvious.

 

I'm glad to read something is happening. The first few pages I cringed several times because of the level of doormat I perceived. You demonstrate less balls than my castrated cat.

 

Applause for the great pep-talking DoT - that was a really good read.

[dreamingoftigers]

Doug.

 

It's good that you are making some foundational changes.

 

However, you are doing the exact same thing you did last time.

 

You are sneaking around, hiding things instead of making your plans and intentions clear.

 

Of course you will back down and come back if you leave out this way and you haven't emotionally prepared yourself or your family for that transition.

 

That will practically guarantee her showing up at your door trying to figure out what the Hell happened.

 

You can't just flip someone's steady world upside-down and expect that not to bite you in the ass.

 

My husband has done crap like that to me before. It is highly traumatic.

I didn't even know if he was alive or dead/cheating/involved with something illegal/whether he had just gone completely nuts.

 

And one's mine always springs to the worst-case scenario.

By the way, I didn't have the same issues your wife does.

[dreamingoftigers]

I get that you are hurting in this?

 

But I have to ask:

Is sneaking around and trying to move on the sly the way a man with self-respect acts?

 

Would a self-respecting man do this?

Does it sound responsible to you?

[niceface]

I get that you are hurting in this?

 

But I have to ask:

Is sneaking around and trying to move on the sly the way a man with self-respect acts?

 

Would a self-respecting man do this?

Does it sound responsible to you?

 

I understand what you say about sneaking around and self respect. But because she REFUSED to see a counselor with me, I have been to not 1 but 5 counseling services over the last 6 years. 4 concluded divorce, and 1 (which was church related) was on the fence about it. The last one I saw told me, based on everything I told him, that the only way I was going to get out was to leave a note and get out. Yes, I TRIED discussing the situation with her (including just last month) and I still get NOWHERE with her. Yet, I want to be sensitive to all concerned (or I would have left long ago).

If you have anything further to add, let me know.

[MasonJarTeaDrinker]

Damn this post makes me not want to get married.

[BOREDouttaMymind]

I wonder if you let her know your feelings about her being religious. sounds like you have a lot of pent up anger there. maybe the sexless part seems like the problem, but perhaps the two of you have differences in beliefs which is the actual underlying problem.

 

experience.

[niceface]

I wonder if you let her know your feelings about her being religious. sounds like you have a lot of pent up anger there. maybe the sexless part seems like the problem, but perhaps the two of you have differences in beliefs which is the actual underlying problem.

 

experience.

 

We actually agree on the religious issues. It is just her mother living with us is what has turned things upside down.

I am seeing a new counselor in a couple of days on this.

[niceface]

I wonder if you let her know your feelings about her being religious. sounds like you have a lot of pent up anger there. maybe the sexless part seems like the problem, but perhaps the two of you have differences in beliefs which is the actual underlying problem.

 

experience.

 

She has softened up to me, but it has still only gotten as far as a kiss goodnight. I am looking for a new job in Nashville. Not easy to do long distance, but can be done. when I get a job there, then I make my exit.

[niceface]

DOT,

 

I have been to a paid counseling service for the last 9 weeks now and interviewing on the phone for a new job in Nashville. It could be anytime now when I get an offer there and I can resign from my current job in Richmond and then leave. I AGREE with you about making my intentions clear. I have brought it up already with her a few more times lately. The problem is that she just shrugs it off. It is like she does not believe that I will really leave at this point. But I do want to be sure she is not blindsided when I do.

 

Doug

 

Doug.

 

It's good that you are making some foundational changes.

 

However, you are doing the exact same thing you did last time.

 

You are sneaking around, hiding things instead of making your plans and intentions clear.

 

Of course you will back down and come back if you leave out this way and you haven't emotionally prepared yourself or your family for that transition.

 

That will practically guarantee her showing up at your door trying to figure out what the Hell happened.

 

You can't just flip someone's steady world upside-down and expect that not to bite you in the ass.

 

My husband has done crap like that to me before. It is highly traumatic.

I didn't even know if he was alive or dead/cheating/involved with something illegal/whether he had just gone completely nuts.

 

And one's mine always springs to the worst-case scenario.

By the way, I didn't have the same issues your wife does.