Live-in girlfriend very angry. Story inside.

[PennGuy]

I'm in a rock and roll cover band first of all, and one of my bandmates called me yesterday to see if I would be available to play a wedding reception. It turns out the husband-to-be was supposed to book the entertainment and dropped the ball, leaving them up the creek without a paddle.

 

I first wanted to check with her to make sure she didn't have NYE plans for us, and that she was invited to come and bring friends with her. The reception is more like a party, I guess. The couple had a destination wedding a few months back. My girlfriend said via text message "I really didn't have any plans for us, so go ahead and do it if you want."

 

As a side note, this is an EASY payday for me, especially since Christmas and all the spending that comes along with it just happened. I also found out that day that there's an "issue that's currently being reviewed" on my unemployment claim. I filed because my company always shuts down the last few weeks of the year. I live in PA and their system is a nightmare and it could take months to see my money. It was supposed to be direct deposited today, actually.

 

I looked at this gig for the "insurance" money because of my unemployment "issue". I'm gonna make 300 dollars to play for 3 hours. I really don't want to do the gig for the sake of playing, I really would like the extra cash in case I don't see my claim post for a while.

 

Well, she got home from work last night and was just livid. Barely said two words after she vented. "Way to ruin New Years....it's a great way to ring in the new year"...etc. "I wanted us to go to my uncle's party" (why didn't she say something before I committed?) If me having a gig on New Years is such a huge deal, then why did she let me do it?

 

Personally, I could give a sh*t about New Years Eve, Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day and Halloween. The next thing you know, she'll be beside herself because I didn't spend Columbus day with her.

 

 

She's insinuating that I'll be sleeping on the couch so-to-speak for quite a while. She's making me out to be the most horrific heartless boyfriend ever and I don't think I deserve it.

 

Thoughts? Advice?

[Philosoraptor]

Well she went from passive to aggressive in a hurry. She failed to communicate and got mad because of that? I wouldn't put up with that crap.

 

I'd tell her calmly "I asked you before I accepted this if there were any plans for New Years, you said we did not have plans and that I could accept the gig. Now you are yelling at me because you failed to communicate things."

[Els]

Her fault, for telling you it was okay initially and then getting angry about it. Was she expecting you to read her mind?

 

That being said, it's kinda normal for people to want to celebrate holidays together. The contempt you have towards that is worrisome. I mean, Columbus Day, really? I get that you were trying to make a joke, but...

 

Just tell her that she should tell you straight up next time if she isn't actually okay with you doing that.

[PennGuy]

Well she went from passive to aggressive in a hurry. She failed to communicate and got mad because of that? I wouldn't put up with that crap.

 

I'd tell her calmly "I asked you before I accepted this if there were any plans for New Years, you said we did not have plans and that I could accept the gig. Now you are yelling at me because you failed to communicate things."

 

Tried that route already. She was stomping around this morning slamming doors and being just moody in general and said "how much she hates me right now" and "can't stand to be around me"...."oh, and by the way, it's snowing...drive me to work."

[PennGuy]

Her fault, for telling you it was okay initially and then getting angry about it. Was she expecting you to read her mind?

 

That being said, it's kinda normal for people to want to celebrate holidays together. The contempt you have towards that is worrisome. I mean, Columbus Day, really? I get that you were trying to make a joke, but...

 

Just tell her that she should tell you straight up next time if she isn't actually okay with you doing that.

 

I don't have contempt against Holidays or spending time together during one...it's just making money right now is more important to me than watching the ball drop.

 

I think she wanted me to say no, even though she said it was ok, because it's short notice and New Years Eve. So, she expected me to say no, even after she said yes.

 

So now, she's going to play the martyr and sit home all alone tonight instead of going to her uncles and spending time with her family and friends, and that will be my fault as well that she didn't go.

[Philosoraptor]

Tried that route already. She was stomping around this morning slamming doors and being just moody in general and said "how much she hates me right now" and "can't stand to be around me"...."oh, and by the way, it's snowing...drive me to work."

 

So is this something that happens often?

[PennGuy]

So is this something that happens often?

 

This is the second time. The last time she was mad was because I went out with a buddy to get some wings and a beer and was home an hour and half later. She got over it the next day sometime.

 

I have a funny feeling this is going to be a pattern.

 

I'm angry as well, I really didn't even want to play it, but weddings pay well. Now, I really don't want to play the gig because I'm anxious, mad...etc. The whole thing is pretty much ruined.

Edited December 31, 2013 by PennGuy

[PennGuy]

I was also trying to convince her to come. We're playing two 15 song sets with an hour break in between and play all the typical wedding songs on a CD. It's better than sitting home by herself, right?

 

But she won't even let my words resonate. She's mad and is just going to stay mad.

 

I do everything else I can for her...take care of the dogs...I cook, I clean, I run errands for her....go to the bank...I'm attentive, I make as much time for her as I can...I try to make her laugh...I pretty much do what she wants to do, because it's not always all about me. I quietly sit with her while she watches all of her shows I can't stand.

 

She had a great christmas...a great birthday...we do all kinds of little dates on Sundays..etc.

I'm a pretty good partner, I think.

[Debanked]

Time of the month brother. Time of the month. Plain and simple.

[Philosoraptor]

If you're worried about a pattern then you'd be better off putting your foot down now rather than dealing with it.

[kjohn]

Typical woman! And I'm a woman, so I know these things.

 

Yes, sadly, we do want you to be able to read our minds. We know it is not rational or possible, but ultimately it is what we really want.

 

You did nothing wrong here, in my opinion. You received the offer for this gig and you did not commit to it until after you checked with your girlfriend. That was the right thing to do and you really deserve credit here for doing the right thing.

 

She told you it was ok, although it obviously was not. Perhaps if she had answered you in person you would have been able to hear the sarcasm in her voice, but she responded by text so you went with what she wrote. If she had a problem with it, she really should have expressed her feelings honestly at the time.

 

Now you have already committed to the gig and you cannot be expected to back out. She needs to get over it and realize that she created this situation.

 

That being said, I think the real underlying issue is that she wants to know that you WANT to spend New Year's with her. Did you ever see the move The Breakup? We want you to WANT to do the dishes. LOL.

 

Here is what I suggest that you say to her "Honey, I'm sorry (yes, apologize even though you did nothing wrong….it goes a long way) that this situation has gotten out of hand. I thought I was going the right thing by checking with you before committing to this gig. I only committed to it after you said it was ok and now you are upset about that. I don't want you to be upset and I don't want us to argue. There is nobody else that I would rather be with on New Year's than you. Since I have already committed to this thing and can't back out now, I would love it if you would come with me so that I can do the gig and we can still spend New Year's together."

 

My guess is that will resolve this issue.

 

Now, for the future, wait a couple of days and then try to have a calm, rational talk with her about how important it is to you that she communicate her feelings honestly and clearly so that this kind of thing doesn't happen again.

[PennGuy]

She is losing her mind. I think she's ending the relationship over this. No joke

[d0nnivain]

She is losing her mind. I think she's ending the relationship over this. No joke

 

 

You know what? Let her.

 

 

If she said No I don't want you to play on NYE. I want you to go to my uncle's party but you decided to play anyway, she could be hurt annoyed. Because you need the money, she shouldn't lose her mind over this.

 

 

The fact that she agreed to this -- in essence gave you permission -- she is at fault for being a jerk about it now. If she truly cared about you, she'd be glad you had the opportunity to make a few dollars.

 

 

While break ups are never fun or pleasant, what is the upside to staying with this drama queen?

[Debanked]

Option 1 is to cancel the gig, lose $300, hurt your reputation and prove to your girlfriend she can walk all over you.

 

Option 2 is to play the gig, earn $300 and see that the sun will still rise on January 1.

 

If I may ask, how old is she? Just seems odd to read "uncle's party." As if that's the be-all, end-all New Years Eve event! Sounds like a basement and some Bud Lights...

[Zahara]

This is the second time. The last time she was mad was because I went out with a buddy to get some wings and a beer and was home an hour and half later. She got over it the next day sometime.

 

It's common for a woman to be passive and hope that their men are mind readers but she sounds awful. Yelling she hates you, insults you and then orders you to drive her to work because it's snowing?

 

It's one thing to want your partner to want to do the dishes (guilty) but it's another thing to make you feel guilty and bad for something she knew you had to commit to and would have a problem getting out of -- all because she couldn't speak up, and then slams doors, insults you and acts the bitch.

 

I'm not sure how you put up with this. Communication is key to a healthy relationship. You communicated it to her and she chose to go passive-very aggresive.

 

I would not apologize to appease her. It only enables her tantrums and it teaches her that she can act the fool whenever she wants you to accommodate her.

[sweetjasmine]

You know what? Let her.

 

Seriously. What a silly sh-t test. If she's willing to break up with you over you not reading her mind, then maybe it's for the best. She sounds pretty childish, IMO, and you'd be better off enforcing your boundaries and not letting her treat you like this.

[Philosoraptor]

She is losing her mind. I think she's ending the relationship over this. No joke

Well that's her choice now isn't it? If she's not stable enough to handle such a simple thing, when she was in the wrong, then is she really someone you want to continued to be involved with?

[Keenly]

All I have to say is what a bitch.

 

Kick her out and find some one that actually appreciates you. This woman clearly has no respect for you.

[Arieswoman]

I really don't understand this.

 

My husband sometimes has to work late, or work on holidays, or gets called into work. (In fact he is working on New Years Day)

 

He always rings me, asks me if I am OK with it and I say "yes" because it is extra income. It is his job and I accomodate that.

 

Your girlfriend said it was OK and now has changed her mind.

 

Do you really want to be with someone who is so unpredictable ?

 

If she changes her mind like this would you be able to rely on her in a crisis?

 

Only you can decide where you go from here.

[CarrieT]

She is not ending the relationship over this.

 

If she is ending the relationship, it is for a myriad of other reasons that she has yet to communicate to you and this is the straw that broke her camel's back.

 

Seriously - this is not that big of an issue and there is much, much more going on that she isn't telling you.

 

I would hold your ground and accept the gig. You made a commitment and you DID check with her beforehand. The fact that she is changing the rules mid-course is not acceptable. Don't let her bully you.

[M30USA]

It only gets worse once you sign marriage papers.

[Sand Man Dan]

She is not ending the relationship over this.

 

If she is ending the relationship, it is for a myriad of other reasons that she has yet to communicate to you and this is the straw that broke her camel's back.

 

Seriously - this is not that big of an issue and there is much, much more going on that she isn't telling you.

 

I would hold your ground and accept the gig. You made a commitment and you DID check with her beforehand. The fact that she is changing the rules mid-course is not acceptable. Don't let her bully you.

 

CarrieT is exactly correct here. I lived it.

[kjohn]

Ok, if she is threatening to end the relationship over this then I retract my previous reply.

 

I thought she was just pouting a little bit.

 

Threatening to end the relationship over it is more than a little dramatic, especially since she caused the situation in the first place.

[M30USA]

She is on a power trip. If you give in, then it only reinforces her childish behavior and she will be even more brazen next time. Nip it in the bud or get out. Take your pick.

[Got it]

Sorry that doesn't play with me either. I am very literal even as a female so I would have said something if it was an issue.

 

I do agree that saying "I am sorry you feel like this" is a good way to calm someone down without actually owning how they are feeling but at this point she really needs to come to you. Ending the relationship over it? Sounds like an excuse than an actual reason.