Dumped over religion...

[flightplan]

Best friend of over 10 years, we finally decided to go for it and for three months it was fantastic! She is a hard core christian, me.. not so much but believe in the principles and went to church with her, etc... just not as intense as she is. She knew I wasn't as intense about faith going into this but yet she still chose to chase me and consummate the relationship. We had never been happier in our lives.. or so I thought. We got into a discussion one night about satan and how I didn't believe he was a personal being, but the personification of evil, etc... for fundamentalist, thats a big no no. (please, I don't want to make this a religious thread. Just take it for what it is).. and I could tell after that conversation, she was having an issue. Long story short... I know she talked with her family and mother hens, and came to the conclusion she couldn't live with someone who had those types of christian beliefs and couldn't be her spiritual leader. Calls me one night and says it's over but we can be friends. I said no way. I had intense feelings of love for her especially after being so physically and emotionally intimate. I was floored, angry, felt like I got the bait and switch, etc. It's been two months and I'm still struggling but decided no contact for the foreseeable future... at least until I can emotionally detach (which may be a year or more).

 

I thought I knew her, I loved her unconditionally, but looking back and analyzing the situation, I should have realized I was doomed from the beginning. My bad. I think she wanted to see what it would be like to pursue a relationship with her best friend and when she struggled with the religious question, she bailed. She should've never pursued me in the first place knowing what my beliefs were, and I should've never believed I could have had a life with her knowing how religious she was. I thought our friendship could overcome the differences, but it didn't.

 

Just wanted to share my story. It's been extremely hard not talking or being with her. I'm hugging the cactus for now. All the begging in the world didn't help. I thought we could work through this... but religion is a powerful thing... and guys... if your in a similar situation, know what your getting into.

[TylerDurdenn]

Bloody hell

 

Be strong, she has been so you must do the same.

Edited December 31, 2013 by TylerDurdenn

[TaraMaiden]

Deal breakers:

 

Interfering mothers

Having children or not

Deep religious convictions.

 

Insurmountable, insuperable, unsurpassable.

[Debanked]

10 years as best friends and religion is the deal breaker AFTER you become intimate. Odd one.

[Keenly]

I see a dark red with some purple .

 

No, I see Burgundy.

 

Okay well, we are breaking up.

 

Sorry man, always sucks to hear when outside people sabotage relationships .

[flightplan]

10 years as best friends and religion is the deal breaker AFTER you become intimate. Odd one.

 

That's an understatement. Very odd. Whats really scary is you think you know someone after 10 years of intimate conversation. Then, the day she broke it off, she says she never had anyone love her like I did and the sex was the best she ever had in her life... buttt.. just can't fall in love and have a relationship. Freaking unbelievable. Who can you trust anymore?

[Kopite]

I believe this is what happened with me too unfortunately.

 

Together 2 years and a half and I remember that before we got together, she would talk about how she needed to be with someone who had faith in God like her, so there wouldn't be issues with regards to the upbringing of children. She fell in love with me even though I wasn't really what she wanted in terms of religious beliefs. Because I loved her, I tried to believe more, read the bible, etc. She would confuse me by saying that I should find my faith naturally and not do it because of her, so I stopped trying.

 

Back in September, she suddenly starts being distant and stops saying I love you. I confront her (this is over skype by the way as we were in the middle of doing long distance) and ask her what's going on. She says she needs space, etc, etc. We have now broken up (last week) and I'm not sure why her feelings changed for me but I did get a little smidgeon out of her.

 

She said that while she was away, she met someone who had so much faith like she did. There was no romance involved at all apparently and she wasn't attracted to this person. I believe her actually, but I am now quite positive that GIGS must have crept in and made her realise that there are people who have what she is looking for and she doesn't have to try and change my ways. This triggered off her "in love" mode with me and things went downhill from then on.

 

Religion is a factor that can make or break. During our last conversation, my girlfriend said that she has never met anyone quite like me. She insists I was perfect and it wasn't me but her. Obviously, I wasn't perfect as the one deciding factor (religious beliefs) took precedence over all my other good characteristics.

 

It's ironic really because since our relationship issues in the last month, I find myself more religious and closer to God now and it has nothing to do with her. Funny how things work.

[pteromom]

I am sorry you were dumped, but I do believe this is a valid reason for dumping someone.

 

Sometimes, you can get into a relationship based on feelings and chemistry, then logic starts working its slow magic, and you realize that the person just isn't compatible with you for the long-term.

 

She probably wants to raise her children with a very specific set of beliefs, and realizes that you aren't the right person to do that with.

 

Of course it is possible that GIGS or another dude was the impetus for this realization, but I think you are better off in the long run despite your current feelings for her.

[ponchsox]

You needed to have this discussion very early in the relationship and be on the same page before someone got hurt.

[flightplan]

I am sorry you were dumped, but I do believe this is a valid reason for dumping someone.

 

Sometimes, you can get into a relationship based on feelings and chemistry, then logic starts working its slow magic, and you realize that the person just isn't compatible with you for the long-term.

 

She probably wants to raise her children with a very specific set of beliefs, and realizes that you aren't the right person to do that with.

 

Of course it is possible that GIGS or another dude was the impetus for this realization, but I think you are better off in the long run despite your current feelings for her.

 

For the most part, I would agree religion can be a valid reason.. but not in this case. She is an empty nester, so no kids involved... and I know there is no other man. Knowing intimate details about her past relationships (divorced twice) tells me she is probably going to grow old alone. She admits she has put up walls at times. Anyway, who knows. At this point it's irrelevant. I think in the long run, I'm better off. If it hadn't been religion, it probably would've been something else. She's looking for mr. perfect to make up for all the bad decisions she's made in the past. She'll never find him. Just sucks.

[flightplan]

You needed to have this discussion very early in the relationship and be on the same page before someone got hurt.

 

That's what I've been saying. We DID have this discussion on the very first date... and for the next 111 days things were fantastic. I personally think she got freaked out about falling in love, scared her to make a commitment after two failed marriages and she wanted a reason to end it. I could be wrong... it's irrelevant now.

[innocentbutterfly]

it sucks to be dumped over religion indeed.

I had something similar I believe.

I was in a ldr for almost 2 years, met a guy, lost virginity to him. Then, big mistake. We started to having deep conversations about our previous sex life if there was any and so on, I Believed this can't touch us. Wrong. He backfired me saying that he couldnt let go and forget that other guy saw body before him IN A PHOTO! that I exchanged with ldr guy years ago. Imagine, We are happy together and all, though many differences and disagreements, he gets my virginity and BAM! that's reason to break up.

 

But I'm trying to make my peace with it as ever since I came home he became more and more distant. He wanted to break it off before I left and I know this was just one reason I couldnt disprove, so he knew that and got rid of me like that. A month of NC i begged, cryed and stuff for a week smsing him only to get no response, sent him a birthday gift, got him to talk again and now we are trying some weird friensship thing that is still killing me inside...

 

I'd say try to forget as much as you can. People always have two faces, that's what I learned. I thought I knew my ex too, but turned out he's a totally different person I imagined.

[JDPT]

OP I'm the epitome of religion going wrong in a relationship. If you care to chat you are welcome to PM.

[mantlefan]

I'd say try to forget as much as you can. People always have two faces, that's what I learned. I thought I knew my ex too, but turned out he's a totally different person I imagined.

 

My ex didn't do anything particularly heinous, but it's amazing how surprised one can be when the person they are in love with isn't perfect. My friend and I both had this reality check with our exes recently.

[innocentbutterfly]

mantlefan it's worse when u accept all their imperfections and see that one you missed in the end, but they can't accept your one imperfection when you accepted their 9 out of 10. Selfish is what I see that as

[liteasair]

We are here for you friend. I will never know or understand why people let religion get in the way of true happiness. Religion is one of many beliefs (be it true or not). I have been through what you are going through just lately as well as other times in the past, and I will say, I eventually got through each one with my head held high.

 

Do what makes you happy now, and if you don't know what that is, seek it out, and focus on YOU.

[Allumere]

Let me crawl in this boat for awhile as I just experienced the same thing and I am beyond hurting.

 

I understand some of the difficulties that can arise when two folks are of different beliefs or faiths, especially in regards to raising children. But when two are of the same faith and one is judged for "not being enough" is just too much for me to handle. These so called Christians that proclaim we aren't Christian enough haven't looked in the mirror lately. Many of them have been practicing for years. Do you mean to tell me it just suddenly occurred to them that they needed to be with someone on the exact same page as them in faith..BULL. Hmmmm, last I checked that premarital sex they are having...yeah, that's a sin and one of the things obviously God really dislikes last time I read the Bible. And that judging and criticism...on who's authority are you to judge your partner's relationship with God. How is tossing someone because they aren't in the exact same place as then even remotely reflective of God. When we reach out to our neighbor aren't we to do more than just give them money or patch the problem, aren't we suppose to invest in them? Why would you not do the same for someone you love?

 

In everything I read the advice to Christians (conservative) is "dump the other person, they will just drag you down"..blah, blah. Sorry, I have an issue with that black and white summary. First off, they all fall back on the the quote about being unequally yoked to an non-believer. If two people are of the same faith that DOES NOT APPLY. There is such an emphasis on perfection it is ridiculous and each ministry varies in what they emphasize in regards to what makes a good Christian. Reality check, Christian marriages are as prone to the same failures as any other marriage because we are all sinners. Oh and we are humans and over time our views, opinions, focus etc can change based on numerous factors. You know how many "married" Christians I know that have changed opinions on different things in the past 5,10,20 years...some no longer Christian, some much more devote, others less. So don't bank on the fact that just because that next person you meet perfectly aligns with all your beliefs because believe me, it will change. The one thing they miss is that the person who they are supposedly in love with, who is perfect in every way but not Christian enough...how do they think that happened in the first place? God gives you what you need, not what you want because most of the time we aren't smart enough to know or still enough to listen.

 

Before I get slammed, let me state that I am a Christian so I am not clueless on the topic. Also know that this generalization is not representative of all Christians.

Edited January 5, 2014 by Allumere

[flightplan]

Let me crawl in this boat for awhile as I just experienced the same thing and I am beyond hurting.

 

I understand some of the difficulties that can arise when two folks are of different beliefs or faiths, especially in regards to raising children. But when two are of the same faith and one is judged for "not being enough" is just too much for me to handle. These so called Christians that proclaim we aren't Christian enough haven't looked in the mirror lately. Many of them have been practicing for years. Do you mean to tell me it just suddenly occurred to them that they needed to be with someone on the exact same page as them in faith..BULL. Hmmmm, last I checked that premarital sex they are having...yeah, that's a sin and one of the things obviously God really dislikes last time I read the Bible. And that judging and criticism...on who's authority are you to judge your partner's relationship with God. How is tossing someone because they aren't in the exact same place as then even remotely reflective of God. When we reach out to our neighbor aren't we to do more than just give them money or patch the problem, aren't we suppose to invest in them? Why would you not do the same for someone you love?

 

In everything I read the advice to Christians (conservative) is "dump the other person, they will just drag you down"..blah, blah. Sorry, I have an issue with that black and white summary. First off, they all fall back on the the quote about being unequally yoked to an non-believer. If two people are of the same faith that DOES NOT APPLY. There is such an emphasis on perfection it is ridiculous and each ministry varies in what they emphasize in regards to what makes a good Christian. Reality check, Christian marriages are as prone to the same failures as any other marriage because we are all sinners. Oh and we are humans and over time our views, opinions, focus etc can change based on numerous factors. You know how many "married" Christians I know that have changed opinions on different things in the past 5,10,20 years...some no longer Christian, some much more devote, others less. So don't bank on the fact that just because that next person you meet perfectly aligns with all your beliefs because believe me, it will change. The one thing they miss is that the person who they are supposedly in love with, who is perfect in every way but not Christian enough...how do they think that happened in the first place? God gives you what you need, not what you want because most of the time we aren't smart enough to know or still enough to listen.

 

Before I get slammed, let me state that I am a Christian so I am not clueless on the topic. Also know that this generalization is not representative of all Christians.

 

Appreciate the feedback. I felt like there was a lot of hypocrisy in her BU speech and I tried to counter with what we had in common, not the differences, but to no avail. I think her family weighed heavily in her decision as well as past relationship challenges that were just too much for her to handle. Whatever the reason, her mind was made up prior to the BU call and there was no changing it. If I could go back and change anything on that BU call... (and this is for all those who want to beg and claw their way back to an ex).. I would have simply said, ok, thank you, have a nice life and hung up. I wish I wouldn't have argued or tried to change her mind. I wish I just would have said ok, this is what you want.. don't contact me again and hung the damn phone up.

Edited January 5, 2014 by flightplan

[flightplan]

So my mom comes over for a visit (in her 80's) and ask me how things are going. I tell her I'm doing NC and she looks at me like I have three eyes... she has no idea what NC is. So I explain it to her and she just starts frowning and looking at me like, WTF are you talking about? She thinks both of us are being stubborn, we're made for each other, stop this nonsense, blah, blah, blah...

 

I don't know if this is a generational thing or not, but she thinks NC is crazy. Tells me to forget the whole NC thing, suck it up and talk her like a man should talk to a woman. I try to explain again how thats just not gonna work, etc... she just doesn't get it. Bless her heart.

[Allumere]

I am probably one of the few people that is not a fan of NC. Silent treatments are what kids do for control (can't remember where I read that but I agree). Now, I do agree not talking right away is useful...gives folks time to reflect, emotions to settle etc. but I think the other person should be told...particularly if they have contacted you. A simple "I need some time to process everything..etc...so I'd like to not have contact for a few weeks" Of course scenarios will dictate times when you want NC forever but again, communicating that is important.

 

I this case based on my experience and those of many others she won't change her mine.

[flightplan]

Man, I haven't been to this site in years. The bookmark was buried in my browser but thought how cool would it be to give an update to help those who might be struggling....

 

.... so here we are in 2019, and my life has changed ENORMOUSLY. It's a whopper of a story so I've tried to condense it...

 

.... but first, what happened to my ex? Well, we reconnected for dinner one night about a year later, it went great. We made love, talked all through the night, kissed goodbye about 4 in the morning, said our "love you's" and.... walked out of each other's life forever. I haven't seen or spoken to her since. The years have gone by without so much as one single regret...

 

... fast forward later, no dating, living my life, comfortable, happy, no relationships, just taking what comes my way without forcing anything. Not really thinking about having a relationship... when one day, a work colleague stops by my desk and ask if I want to meet a beautiful Colombian woman.

 

That really came out of left field, so asked a few questions, etc... she didn't speak english, kids were in college or left the house, a psychologist with her own practice... he shows me pictures of her and I'm like, I don't know, but she's beautiful! I didn't speak spanish, had no plans to go to Colombia, so I didn't have the slightest clue how we would do this, but I kept an open mind.

 

Long story short, she flew to the US for a conference, I took her out to dinner, we stumbled through google translate at dinner. She's very Catholic and of course I'm not. Her response... "we all come to God in our own special way." I fell in love. We married two years later.

 

I now live in Colombia, speak spanish and live with the most beautiful wonderful caring loving woman. Our life is very fulfilling and I have been accepted into her large family with open arms. I'm one lucky guy. I love my life and often look back and wonder how this happened.... so I guess the moral of my story is for people who are now struggling with the loss of a love.... life is full of surprises. I never imagined I would be happily married and living in Colombia and living life as an adventure.

 

When you ever think you're life is devastated by the loss of a love, rest assured, anything is possible. Be open to possibilities. I'm living proof that the wildest things can happen.... and they will happen for you too. Hang in there. All my best to each of you.

[spiderowl]

For the most part, I would agree religion can be a valid reason.. but not in this case. She is an empty nester, so no kids involved... and I know there is no other man. Knowing intimate details about her past relationships (divorced twice) tells me she is probably going to grow old alone. She admits she has put up walls at times. Anyway, who knows. At this point it's irrelevant. I think in the long run, I'm better off. If it hadn't been religion, it probably would've been something else. She's looking for mr. perfect to make up for all the bad decisions she's made in the past. She'll never find him. Just sucks.

 

So she's very religious but divorced twice? That doesn't seem to fit somehow. There is obviously more to it than that. Maybe her relationships tend to have a 'lifetime' after which she has doubts and gives up.

 

Religious differences do matter but unless they are vastly difference it seems unlikely they would break up a couple in love with each other. This suggests to me that she fell out of love. She may even have met someone she was attracted to who also happened to be just as religious as her. She may not be seeing him now but only is aware of him and is attracted. She is, however, attracted enough to suddenly start seeing major differences between the two of you.

 

I'm sorry this happened. I really do not think it is over religion but more likely to be that she struggles to maintain relationships after a while because she loses interest. Once you lose interest, love fades and others start to seem more interesting. It's horrible but it makes more sense than that religion broke you up. You don't want to be with someone who is not wholly committed to you.

[mark clemson]

It sounds like you are super happy, which is wonderful. Spiderowl brings up a valid point - be a bit cautious, in case the picture changes one day. But I think for now mostly just enjoy your happiness.

 

I think:

 

Be open to possibilities.

 

is key to letting cool things happen to you in life. Even if it ends, you did something special that's your own unique path.

[Rayce]

That's an understatement. Very odd. Whats really scary is you think you know someone after 10 years of intimate conversation. Then, the day she broke it off, she says she never had anyone love her like I did and the sex was the best she ever had in her life... buttt.. just can't fall in love and have a relationship. Freaking unbelievable. Who can you trust anymore?

 

I am sorry this happened to you but as a Christian I am not sure why she chose to turn her back on you especially after a 10 year friendship. I think she is using it as an excuse.

[salparadise]

I think she is using it as an excuse.

 

 

I agree that she's using it as an excuse. It's a nice, simple explanation to cover a bunch of messy emotional stuff within.

 

Bottom line is, she isn't able to open her heart and love wholeheartedly. She became afraid and defensive when it got too real. She doesn't have the capacity or believe she's worthy. Damaged people use and discard good people. It's sad.

 

The fact that she depends on religion to this degree instead of having a broader view of reality is a clue. No one ever lives up to a fantasy. You're right, it was doomed from the start.