Sometimes NO CONTACT a load of crap?

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

hello again,

 

been reading my brains out, talking to everyone etc. etc. as you do and i am no more clear on what to do...

 

i had read all the no contact guide, the 'how to get your ex back' doesn't seem the right thing to do for me e.g. if i told my ex i was casually dating i think she would say i knew you didn't love me so f*** off for good!

 

i went out tonight for a few beers with older married friends of mine, i told them my situation and they said if you love the girl and she is one then you have to crawl, crawl and crawl to let her know that you love her and want her enough

 

these guys have been married 20+ years and seem to be happy enough with life

 

told them all about the no contact thing and they told me if I do that I really have no chance at all

 

BTW they said they f****d up many times with their girls before they got married and didn't do anything like NC, pursued them with their hearts and hey BINGO!

 

they told me to drive down to her house tomorrow, i haven't contacted her in 11-12 days at all

 

sent her a letter recently,arrived yesterday and i was surprised she didn't send me a text saying 'please no more contact' like she done before

 

my original story is here...http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t54015/?goto=newpost]MY STORY AGAIN! SORRY

[SadAndLonely]

I know my situation is different than yours, but if I had pursued my boyfriend after he broke up with me, we wouldn't be together again now. I had to give him space to see what life was like without me, space to clear his head, and space to focus on my own issues. However, I didn't cut contact completely. We didn't talk for a week (what he wanted), and then very slowly started being friends again. I offered the olive branch first after we started talking again, and then I focused on myself. He started contacting me, and I let him do all of the calling, emailing, etc. I'd respond, but then cut calls short. After about three weeks of this he couldn't take it anymore and called me up one night right after I had just spent the day with him and mutual friends of ours, and for three hours told me how much he missed me. When I became clingy again he backed off. I think crawling counts as clingy. If she wants you to back off, then do so. If she seems open to at least being friendly, then play it cool and be nice, but focus on yourself and make sure she knows your focus is you.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by BrainRightHeartWrong

e.g. if i told my ex i was casually dating i think she would say i knew you didn't love me so f*** off for good!

 

she would not think this. she would think: "oh, he can survive without me and is with someone else, this is terrible, he is MY man, he belongs with ME, how dare that bytch try to steal him away, now my competitive instincts have awaken."

 

see...this is where you are wrong. if she told you she was "casually dating" some dude, what would you think?? well , she will think the same.

 

oh yeah, and NC applies more to american audiences cause people here are not as nice and innocent as in other parts of the world.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

see...this is where you are wrong. if she told you she was "casually dating" some dude, what would you think?? well , she will think the same

 

err i wouldn't like it at all obviously! and would pine for her even more

 

oh yeah, and NC applies more to american audiences cause people here are not as nice and innocent as in other parts of the world

 

i thought about possible cultural differences regarding NC, i'm sure there isn't much between Ireland and USA though

 

i'm getting even more and more confused as what to do here!

 

 

However, I didn't cut contact completely. We didn't talk for a week

 

there has been 12 odd days of no contact disregarding my letter which only arrived yesterday

 

so delivering a present which I promised in person is a bad move? why does everything has to be by email or texting etc.

 

personally i would appreciate my ex delivering a present directly to me rather than post or receiving a text message!

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

BTW after we sort of broke up on boxing day, on the 27th December she told me "if you loved me you would be down here right away to sort things out" hence why visiting her in person might work

 

i never came down that day then she went ballistic and called it all off!

 

does this not matter?

[alphamale]

Originally posted by BrainRightHeartWrong

i thought about possible cultural differences regarding NC, i'm sure there isn't much between Ireland and USA though

 

 

dude the difference between the good ol' USA and any European country is as large & deep as the Atlantic ocean.

 

cultural wise i mean

[alphamale]

Originally posted by BrainRightHeartWrong

BTW after we sort of broke up on boxing day, on the 27th December she told me "if you loved me you would be down here right away to sort things out" hence why visiting her in person might work

 

i never came down that day then she went ballistic and called it all off!

 

does this not matter?

 

ahh let her stew for a while longer, maybe a wk or two then go and see the woman. but don't take her any gifts or what not.

[Pocky]

I only support NC if the relationship has clearly ended and both parties agree that there is no future whatsoever and therefore keeping contact would be pointless. I am against using NC as a way of determining whether or not someone still cares or as a way to create a sense of jealousy or ownership of something now lost so that they come back to you. Why anyone would want someone to come back to them under these terms is beyond me.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Pocky

I am against using NC as a way of determining whether or not someone still cares or as a way to create a sense of jealousy or ownership of something now lost so that they come back to you. Why anyone would want someone to come back to them under these terms is beyond me.

 

wait until the love of your life dumps your butt. then you will be grabbing at straws also (i.e. NC) to get them back.

 

and NC does work a lot, not always, but enuf to recommend as an effective tool in one's arsenal of romantic gimmickry.

[Pocky]

wait until the love of your life dumps your butt. then you will be grabbing at straws also (i.e. NC) to get them back.

 

If the love of my love dumped my butt I would profess my love for them and try to fix whatever problem it was that forced them to believe that ending the relationship was the best decision. If they confessed they no longer loved me I would wish them all the happiness in the world and I would let them live their own life.

 

The thing with me is that just because I love someone I don't think my own happiness overrides theirs. Just because I love someone I don't believe I own them and just because I love someone I'm not so arrogant to believe that the best place for them is by my side.

 

What I would not do is try to psychologically trick them in wanting me back. I wouldn't try to dupe them into wanting me back by instigating jealousy. I would rather walk away than know that the only reason this person was standing by my side was because they were more jealous of me being with someone else than really wanting to be with me.

 

At that point it's not even love and why anyone would want to be with someone that didn't truly love them is something I will never understand.

[DinNJ]

romantic gimmickry??? That's too funny... but true....

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

dude the difference between the good ol' USA and any European country is as large & deep as the Atlantic ocean.

 

cultural wise i mean

 

yeah there is but i meant regarding using NC!

 

this if good old catholic Ireland here where 1/2 of yous came from originally hence is there any?

 

 

 

I only support NC if the relationship has clearly ended and both parties agree that there is no future whatsoever and therefore keeping contact would be pointless. I am against using NC as a way of determining whether or not someone still cares or as a way to create a sense of jealousy or ownership of something now lost so that they come back to you. Why anyone would want someone to come back to them under these terms is beyond me.

 

this is exactly what my friends here are saying NC won't work in my situation

 

ahh let her stew for a while longer, maybe a wk or two then go and see the woman. but don't take her any gifts or what not.

 

aha alphamale are you chilling out a bit? the only reason why i am taking her gifts is because this is what i should have got her for christmas, all of my friends really think i shouldn't wait any longer than it is already, they reckon any longer and she really will be gone as she wanted to see me right away

[Pocky]

Sometimes women want to know that you're willing to make the effort to make thing work. Sometimes they need to be reassured that you really do care and that you care enough to fight for something so you don't lose it. That you want her because you love her and want her in your life, not because she's dating some other guy and you're suddenly jealous.

 

Maybe I'm different but if I love someone and I believe that what we share really is positive for both of us I fight for it. I give it my all regardless of how it makes me look to other people. My husband didn't let go when I was walking out the door - had he done that we would have been divorced. He held on - he fought for it and showed me that I was worth the effort. That no matter how weak other people thought he was acting he didn't care - he loved me enough to forget his pride. He loved me enough to make sure I knew that. And I fell in love with him all over again..

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Pocky

Sometimes women want to know that you're willing to make the effort to make thing work. Sometimes they need to be reassured that you really do care and that you care enough to fight for something so you don't lose it. That you want her because you love her and want her in your life, not because she's dating some other guy and you're suddenly jealous.

 

Maybe I'm different but if I love someone and I believe that what we share really is positive for both of us I fight for it. I give it my all regardless of how it makes me look to other people. My husband didn't let go when I was walking out the door - had he done that we would have been divorced. He held on - he fought for it and showed me that I was worth the effort. That no matter how weak other people thought he was acting he didn't care - he loved me enough to forget his pride. He loved me enough to make sure I knew that. And I fell in love with him all over again..

 

yes, all excellent points POCKY. I shall take them under advisement.

[Pocky]

You mock me..I will break you down AM! One day you will yield!

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

Sometimes women want to know that you're willing to make the effort to make thing work. Sometimes they need to be reassured that you really do care and that you care enough to fight for something so you don't lose it. That you want her because you love her and want her in your life, not because she's dating some other guy and you're suddenly jealous.

 

Pocky, this I think really does seem to be the case with my ex girlfriend, I am not the jealous type and she knows it, she just maybe needs a lot more assurance of my love for her and hence why i will have to crawl ( to crawl doesn't mean being clingy, I am not like that, but it shows your devotion for a person )

 

I poured my heart out to her ( no asking back, no desperation etc. ) in a letter in which i just described my feelings for her and things i actually thought in certain situations... assuning she read my letter today she hasn't sent me any 'please leave me alone' messages which she did last week

 

Maybe I'm different but if I love someone and I believe that what we share really is positive for both of us I fight for it. I give it my all regardless of how it makes me look to other people. My husband didn't let go when I was walking out the door - had he done that we would have been divorced. He held on - he fought for it and showed me that I was worth the effort. That no matter how weak other people thought he was acting he didn't care - he loved me enough to forget his pride. He loved me enough to make sure I knew that. And I fell in love with him all over again..

 

exactly Pocky, I really think if I did the 'how to get your ex back' stuff I will lose her forever, I will have to make a very very big effort here and have no pride, where did pride get anybody anyway? and what do I have to lose? the chance by playing the game of no contact?

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Pocky

You mock me..I will break you down AM! One day you will yield!

 

I mocketh thou not.

 

RElationships are rough and even the best relationships are not easy. Key is to know when to yield and when to be strong and tough.

 

I have swallowed my pride before and got burned but sometimes it worked. Each situation needs to be assessed along with personalities to find what will work.

 

"Ain't to proud to beg, sweet darling" - like that motown song goes.

[lost_in_chgo]

So does no contact work?

I'm still trying it. And will let you know...

 

Ahh but then I am in regular contact with the ex now.

She reconnected after a couple of week's downtime. This time she initiated.

 

Just talking about work.

But after a couple weeks of nothing but work talk from me and a constant stream of what I did today from me, she finally mentioned her daughter and said she was glad I had fun on vacation.

 

Seems like nothing, but it is a definite change.

Took more than a year...

 

So, I'm alot more stable after getting to that one year mark and just frankly getting tired of all of this.

It's her ballgame, but I'll be damned if I'm going to curse her out or beg her to do anything.

 

She knows I still care about her. I haven't said more than I miss talking to you (after she contacts me after 3-4 months of NC), and haven't asked her to see me in over a year. But she knows. The way she acts is as if I am a constant threat to her in some way. But she talks.

 

So maybe it works, maybe it doesn't but I'm pretty sure in most cases it will either work right away or take an extended period. What you do in the interim is up to you.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

hello lost_in_chgo,

 

i remember you from last year and you were a sensible poster!

 

So, I'm alot more stable after getting to that one year mark and just frankly getting tired of all of this.

It's her ballgame, but I'll be damned if I'm going to curse her out or beg her to do anything.

 

my god a whole year, how on earth do you stick this dude?

 

i know an ex-wife who works with my mother who is still torturing herself after 3 years, she is single yet still sees her ex-husband with his bimbo girlfriend, god i'd love to help her!

 

unless you are completely devoid of feelings for exes who are truly gone it is self torture to continue

 

obviously there are people with kids who differ but why do this?

 

i did it for 5 months last year, woke up one day... no more... recovered drastically and met a lovely girl 2 months later who i am now trying to get back but not the same as the last one at all!

 

[lost_in_chgo]

Well, if someone comes along I will not say no. Just haven't met anyone worthwhile in the last six months. Before that I was unfit for a relationship.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

good man!

 

it just takes until you feel you are ready, if it doesn't feel right don't feel the pressure to do anything

 

i remember last year while still having feelings for an ex still bringing girls back and i just didn't want to do anything with them except talk

 

no point having meaningless sex... i actually hate it, have done it but never want to again as compared to a great relationship it is so bad!

 

sounds like you have moved on... somebody amazing will come along soon!

 

just don't look for it, it goes like that!

[_Saffy_]

i think the NC thing only works for people who are really absolutely positive that theres no going back.

 

if you feel that you really dont care if this person drops off the face of the earth then do NC and stop moaning about it.

 

if you want the person back, then get ya butt round there and deal with it.........what are the choices.....

 

 

a) go round there, take a gamble on whether or not they come back, if they do, great, if they dont, then you lost some pride but at least you tried.

 

b) sit here, posting to people that dont know your ex from adam/eve, about how you would love to get them back and what should you do, and risk letting the ex move on so far that he/she cant go back.

 

 

 

get ya butt round there and at least try man, if she says no, then at least you know and you can start to move on.

[Universe]

Tell me, when you all say "No Contact," are you saying absolute no contact (as in avoiding the ex at all costs) or are you saying no contact unless they initiate it??? I think the former is almost never good unless you've decided that your ex is a bad person and purposely wants to hurt you. But, I think the latter is good if your ex needs space and time to figure things out. As you all know, relationships can get really hairy. People get co-dependent and that's not healthy. So they need time apart to figure out who they are independent of the other person. That's what my ex and I are going through now. Unfortunately, I'm ready to give it another go and she isn't yet...maybe never will be. So all I can do is continue to give her space and hope she comes around while I get on with my life.

 

BRHW, you probably should have gone to see her that first day. But you didn't and that's over now. So forget about it. Since then she said she didn't want to see you and you've respected that. You sent her a letter telling her how you feel. She's read it.

So far, I think you've done well. I'd give her a little more time to respond to your letter. She's only just received it, right? So give her some time to digest it. Wait a few more days. If she doesn't contact you after 3 days, go see her. I don't know if you should "crawl" as you say. No matter what, be strong. Show her that you love her and that your love is strong.

 

If that doesn't work, then it's probably time for more NC (the kind where you let her initiate all contact).

 

That's what I think. I could be wrong. My advice is one of a man who has probably lost the love of his life forever. So take it however you want.

[SadAndLonely]

Originally posted by BrainRightHeartWrong

BTW after we sort of broke up on boxing day, on the 27th December she told me "if you loved me you would be down here right away to sort things out" hence why visiting her in person might work

 

i never came down that day then she went ballistic and called it all off!

 

does this not matter?

 

I hate to say this, but this behavior (on her part) is manipulative and guilt-laden. And if she got ballistic and called it off, I can't see why you'd want to put in all this effort. Try telling her that perhaps she should have nicely asked you to come down to talk about things.

 

I hate the "If you loved me you'd do x..." crap.

[iceisles]

Originally posted by _Saffy_

i think the NC thing only works for people who are really absolutely positive that theres no going back.

 

if you feel that you really dont care if this person drops off the face of the earth then do NC and stop moaning about it.

 

Memorize this. NC is very effective, but its purpose is solely to move past someone. The fact that some exes come back is just incidental. Never practice it thinking that it will cure everything.