Don't Know Where to Start on Self-Improvement

[Pearl27]

For 2013, I developed a lot in terms of being more optimistic and kinder to myself. I also learned to value of giving myself more credit, and while I still need to develop that, I'm glad that I've learned how important giving myself credit is.

 

For 2014, I want to take a step toward taking more responsibility for myself. What I mean by that is not admitting my faults when things go wrong (I already do that), but taking responsibility for my experiences. I want to take responsibility for how I present myself to others, the words I use to express myself and even assert myself more. I don't want to be child-like anymore, because I feel ashamed when I fall short of being a responsible adult. I want to turn that shame into action.

 

But I am not sure where or how to begin. I know it takes minor, baby steps to be the person I'd like to be, but I'm not sure what should be the first step on my list. So far, I'm being conscious of my vocabulary. I feel that I use some words like "amazing", "awesome" and others like I'm 23 when I'm really 31. I want to be taken seriously and respected, basically, and I feel the words I use aren't helping.

 

I know I have to sound stronger and present myself in a more confident manner, but I don't know what situation I should concentrate on. What I mean is, when I focus on being stronger in general, I tend to cast a wide net and try to be strong in all situations, yet each situation is different. I hope I'm making sense here. I feel as if I need to worry less about some situations, and concentrate more on other areas.

 

So my question here is, how do you take your baby steps in order to be full grown, to quote that song by Fergie? Where do you start? Its all journey, I know, and it takes time. So where does the journey begin?

 

Please let me know if I made sense here!

[mtnbiker3000]

I applaud your effort to better yourself and address issues you have discovered. Self reflection and being absolutely honest is a great start. I am currently on a similar journey

 

Sounds like you have self-esteem issues. There are many books about this and reading here also helps. Therapy, of course, would be your best course of action if you have the means.

[Pearl27]

I applaud your effort to better yourself and address issues you have discovered. Self reflection and being absolutely honest is a great start. I am currently on a similar journey

 

Sounds like you have self-esteem issues. There are many books about this and reading here also helps. Therapy, of course, would be your best course of action if you have the means.

 

Thanks mtnbiker3000!

 

I do have self-esteem issues, and I tell myself I am working on them, but I wonder if I really am. Yes, I am not bashing myself as much as I used to, but am I taking better care of myself? Of course, my opening post proves that I doubt that very much. So yeah, self-esteem is a problem. I guess I need to figure out what exactly do I do that makes me feel bad about myself. Maybe I am still being mean to myself, but not fully aware as I used to be.

 

I am in therapy, and for the last couple of sessions, I have talked mostly about how glad I feel that I've come so far this year, and also professional goals for next year. I think what I really am doing now is preparing for the next phase in developing better self-esteem. Now I need to work on relationships with my co-workers, roommates, friends, acquaintances, family, etc. I need to focus on how I present myself to others and relate to them. But really, how do I get started? I'm putting pressure on myself because I really want to improve and I'm tired of not being taken seriously. But I have to give everyone a reason to. So what should my first step be? That's what's driving me crazy.

[Pearl27]

Thanks wilson.

 

I think part of my problem is 1) I care too much what others think of me 2) I always think there is something wrong with me. Furthermore on #2, I haven't forgiven myself or even learned to like myself after years of depression, social ineptness, having a bad temper, being immature, etc. Yeah, a lot of that is embarrassing. I mean, who wants to be socially awkward? But this is where I should be forgiving myself. I did stupid things, but I've learned to stop that and I'm taking steps toward not being so silly. But I've got ways to go still.

 

I'm not ashamed that I suffered from depression for many years. I just wish I hadn't wasted so many years. But given my resources and my state of mind then, I shouldn't berate myself so much.

 

Anyway, last night during a NYE party, I concentrated on being more at ease with myself and being confident. Yeah, I was thinking, "Why am I doing this?" But if this is how I really am (ie, being surprisingly fluent in sarcasm) so be it. It is like developing new skin and flexing new muscles, but that's how it goes.

[Softie]

I'm trying out mindfulness - which is being aware of your surroundings & feelings. Living in the present instead of worrying or thinking about what is around the corner.

 

You can get books by Kabot-Zinn about it.

 

It's really helped me. I was never fulfilled in anything & worrying about everything but since discovering I'm a lot calmer & focused on the good things that I have in my life. Has been a real awakenening for me & I'm still learning about it.

 

Worth a look.

[jba10582]

It's good to know others are motivated year in and year out. I find it helpful to create goals and write them down. Once you do, it can shine light on other things that you are missing. Having positive goals will plant the seeds for a successful year. So you can start to focus on them until they start to take root and you'll begin to grow and reap the benefits.

 

When you were young, you may have learned things, that, may have seemed difficult or even awkward at first, but, with a little patience and persistence, it became easier, and you became more experienced until it became habit.

 

Walking or driving a car are probably easy now. You may not consciously remember how you learned to walk, but, at some point when you fell down, your parents didn't give up on you and say "guess she won't be a walker"! Of course not, they persisted and picked you up time and time again, and you picked yourself up time and time again, and you learned to walk, and you can do it with ease.

 

When you first started to drive a car for the first time, you may have felt nervous, anxious, or even a thrill of excitement. Yet, something allowed you to feel what you felt and you went for it anyway. This drove you to do something you wanted or needed to do. Imagine, how good you'll feel when you spend the time to practice and make those changes and gradually they become more refined naturally.

 

And these improvements and traits beyond physical beauty are very attractive in women, because, having beauty will get attention, but having great qualities and a drive or desires to improve and become them, are things that make you grow from the inside, and that, will keep attention. Whether you are doing these things for new year's resolution or because it is something you choose to do for yourself, when you are ready, you can be confident and at ease, to know, that this is a very mature outlook on life, and, very desirable quality that is admired.

Edited January 1, 2014 by jba10582

[Pearl27]

 

And these improvements and traits beyond physical beauty are very attractive in women, because, having beauty will get attention, but having great qualities and a drive or desires to improve and become them, are things that make you grow from the inside, and that, will keep attention. Whether you are doing these things for new year's resolution or because it is something you choose to do for yourself, when you are ready, you can be confident and at ease, to know, that this is a very mature outlook on life, and, very desirable quality that is admired.

 

I like this part a lot I also prefer guys who care about self-improvement too, so that's a criteria we should both have.

 

Anyway, this year I am going to focus more on my emotional and personal well-being. I've nurtured my intellect, my physical health, my finances well in recent years, but now I need to focus more on other parts of me that I've neglected for far too long. I won't have any relationships that I would want if I continue to neglect them.

 

I think I'll retry doing my journal again so I wouldn't open so many threads

[mtnbiker3000]

Do you know where your esteem issues stem from? This information will be integral in working through it. I discovered mine came from my early childhood (around 6 through 13 or 14). My household dynamic was extremely damaging and negative for me. I found the book "Toxic Parents" to be a big help in uncovering and understanding this. And of course therapy helped as well...

[Pearl27]

Do you know where your esteem issues stem from? This information will be integral in working through it. I discovered mine came from my early childhood (around 6 through 13 or 14). My household dynamic was extremely damaging and negative for me. I found the book "Toxic Parents" to be a big help in uncovering and understanding this. And of course therapy helped as well...

 

Toxic parents as well.

[Pearl27]

I'm bumping this thread because I'm still working on myself. I have a questions now.

 

This post here:

 

I'm trying out mindfulness - which is being aware of your surroundings & feelings. Living in the present instead of worrying or thinking about what is around the corner.

 

 

Really stood out as I read over this thread. I am trying to be present instead obsessively worrying. I'm also trying to develop emotional maturity because I have the emotional development of a 20 year old (I'm 31). By focusing on emotional development, I find that I worry less and pay attention to what's around me.

 

But the thing is, I freak out when I have to let go of my childish, high-strung ways. I feel as if I have to develop overnight to get rid of my immaturity because it is embarrassing to be like this. But changing too quick is too overwhelming and not realistic.

 

I guess what I'm asking here is how do I cope with being so childish while trying to mature? I'm just embarrassed by my immaturity because I'm sure people find it hard to believe that I'm 31 (granted, I have a young face and others have been confused with my age since high school).

 

The way I feel these days is much like that Fergie song "Big Girls Don't Cry", especially the lines: "I must take baby steps/until I'm full grown". And also those lines from 1 Corinthians 13 - "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became [an adult], I put the ways of childhood behind me".

[SnapCracklePop]

Since you are able to recognize that you have behaviours that you don't like, you should easily be able to stop them.

 

You don't explain what those behaviours are exactly... but most of the time you can control your reactions just by taking a few moments before you respond to a situation. Just give yourself a second to think about how you want to respond. If its an argument situation and you are trying to control a harsh response, just listen to the other side, give yourself 5 or 10 minutes or whatever time you need to think about what you really want to say in return. If it is an emotional response to something... just give yourself a minute to consider how serious the situation really is and what level of response is needed.

 

Once you do give yourself some time to figure out what an appropriate response to "whatever" is, you will respond to things better in general.

[Pearl27]

Since you are able to recognize that you have behaviours that you don't like, you should easily be able to stop them.

 

You don't explain what those behaviours are exactly... but most of the time you can control your reactions just by taking a few moments before you respond to a situation. Just give yourself a second to think about how you want to respond. If its an argument situation and you are trying to control a harsh response, just listen to the other side, give yourself 5 or 10 minutes or whatever time you need to think about what you really want to say in return. If it is an emotional response to something... just give yourself a minute to consider how serious the situation really is and what level of response is needed.

 

Once you do give yourself some time to figure out what an appropriate response to "whatever" is, you will respond to things better in general.

 

My problem is that I can get really clingy, especially when someone is nice and friendly. I had an emotionally abusive upbringing and was bullied at school, so I get clingy when someone shows any hint of friendliness. It makes sense but it is also embarrassing. Some people get uncomfortable and I end up feeling awful.

 

I also obsessively worry myself into a frenzy, and I'm not good at taking care of myself emotionally. I'm actually detached from my emotions and live a lot in my head. It has taken a physical toll on me, with trouble sleeping, jaw clenching and headaches. So these are the two things troubling me.