Trying to deal with my life that has fallen apart.

[InTheGrips]

Hi everyone. Have been lurking here for about a week. I feel like I want to share my story. Im absolutely devastated.

My partner of 5 years ended our relationship 5 days ago. We have a beautiful 2.5 year old boy together. We also have her 9 year old who lives with his dad but stays with us on school holidays and Christmas. I work away in the mines week on week off. 4 days before christmas while I was out at work we had an argument via text. Turns out it was our last as she told me she did not love me anymore and she was leaving me. I was gutted, I'd taken her for granted for to long. To give you some background our relationship has been rocky for about 6 months. She initiated a custody battle for her 9 year old against what we had talked about in the past. We had decided earlier to save for a deposit for our house before we tried to get the boy permanently. This made me mad as it strained us financially. She did not realise how much money the battle would cost. I was the bread winner and she stayed at home to look after our little boy. We were happy with this arrangement. She was a hard worker, even working right up until before giving birth to our son.

I made it clear I did not want to pay for the whole thing as it was too much money. She went back to work, taking 2 jobs to pay for it. It had cost her tens of thousands by this stage. She ran out of money and I was lending a lot of money here and there as well. I became so frustrated with the situation as the dream of owning our own home was drifting further away. The strain on the relationship was massive. I became very bitter and angry. In the end poor legal advice basically cost her the case, $40k down the drain. She fell into depression. She needed me emotionally and I was just not there for her (which I've only just come to realise now) I had neglected her badly.

 

When I got home from my swing away at work, I asked her if we could talk about her decision to leave me. We had a big talk as the kids played at the park. I broke down and told her I finally realised how badly I had treated her emotionally and all the areas I needed and wanted to improve on to turn this relationship around. I asked for one last chance. She seemed slightly open to it, but very suspect to wether I could change or not. She said that after christmas she wanted to move out and look after herself for a bit. Make us appreciate what each of us do in our relationship.

So we went on our christmas holiday and things seemed better, we talked and laughed like we used to in better times. We had explosively good sex (we have never really had problems in this area) and she even initiated affection like hugs and handholding. Celebrated our birthdays (23 and 24th Dec) and the kids had a great christmas. I knew we had a long road ahead but things were looking better.

We get home from our holiday and she drops the bomb. It was all just an act basically she said, wanted the kids to have a good christmas, me to have a good birthday and family not to worry. She said she does not love me anymore and she is not attracted to me at all. I begged her to stay. I told her that she may be feeling nothing for me at the moment because she is in depression and still angry at me for many things. And that she should take some more time to get better before making a decision on our future. She said she had considered it but is still adamant she wants to move out and split for good.

 

Due to her having very little money from court costs she is not able to move out. WE decided for now she will stay in the spare room. I have backed right off her, giving her some space and hoping/praying she will change her mind. I did the whole begging crying please don't leave thing but I now realise after roaming this website that will just push her away more.

I am now trying to be strong for our boys' sake and treat it like she's definitely going. Its so hard, such a daily even hourly struggle to keep it together. It feels nice having her in the house at the moment because we are talking and laughing like we used to and generally getting along quite well. She's already talking in past tense though saying things like 'you'll meet a great girl one day'

I feel like she's putting on a brave face but still misses me but feels like this is something that she needs to do. She has asked me about moving out and what arrangements we are going to have with our boy and finances but I can't deal with that at the moment as Im trying to deal with being single again. I feel so overwhelmed and she looks so calm.

 

I am trying to focus on myself and my boy and just stay busy. Going to gym twice a day, taking my boy to the beach and walking the dog. Tiring myself out so I fall asleep without wanting to go into her room and cuddle up to her. Am finding it very difficult to stop thinking about it. I still love her very much. She has been no saint in the past, but I've always been in love with her. I feel completely alone now as we have no family in this town. I have a sinking feeling in my stomach that comes and goes, feels like the world is bearing down on me.

 

I really hope and pray that we will be a family again. Do I giver her the space she wants and do the 180 turn? And hope that one day we'll be together again? Or do I treat it like she's already Gone? Its so hard. Sorry for this longwinded post but I feel slightly better already for sharing my story. Really hope theres some people out there that can give me some positive advice and tips how to get through this and try and save my relationship.

Thanks for reading.

[socaljk57]

My heart goes out to you bro. I guess you are not married but in your heart it sounds like she is your wife. You suggested she is a bit too calm about everything. Maybe she has just moved on but maybe not. Is there another guy in the picture ? She could be in "the fog." If you don't know about it you should. Its like a runners high where your partner enters a fantasy world of attraction. Very powerful and often people don't realize they are in it until its too late.

[InTheGrips]

We are not married. She's wanted to get married for about two years now but again I wanted to buy a house before doing any of that stuff. I plan on getting engaged if we can somehow get through this. I'm pretty sure there's not another man in the picture. Between having two jobs and our little boy to look after she really just wouldn't have the time I don't think. I've asked her a few times and she has just laughed and said no way. She had seemed honest every time I've asked her. She has told me that she doesn't ever want to date again due to having 2 kids to different dads, and saying that her kids are her only priority now.

No I don't know about 'the fog' really hope that it's not present in my situation. Might have to read up about it.

Thanks for the reply.

[InTheGrips]

Last night we had a good chat while making dinner. Not sure if this was the right thing to do but I told her it was nice having her still here in the house. We have been getting along really well, laughing and joking at times. She let some info slip as well. She said I was still her best friend, and that she misses me at night time when she's in bed.

I'm not sure if I'm holding onto nothing but I feel like she does still have some feelings for me buried deep underneath all her pain and sorrow.

[keepontruckin]

You are going to have to start running as a one man wolf pack. Make it clear that you will be there if she's ever ready. She may come around. She may not.

 

Now is the time to try to stay cool as a cucumber... If you do anything stupid now, you may regret it if she ever comes around.

 

Remember... One man wolf pack.

[InTheGrips]

Thanks for the reply, feels good to check back here and see replies to my thread. Thanks for the advice. I will try. Having a bad day today after having a great one yesterday. I guess that's how it goes.

 

Bit of an update: we said last night that we did not want to take our boy away from the other. She told me her mothers attitude is 'take half of everything, take him for everything he's worth and move down to my town' which is about a 20 hr drive from here. This morning when I dropped her off to work she text me saying she wants to go down and see her mum and take the kids. This makes me very nervous. She's so erratic.

[InTheGrips]

Please keep the comments going guys this is helping me

[alonefornow]

I really hope and pray that we will be a family again. Do I giver her the space she wants and do the 180 turn? And hope that one day we'll be together again? Or do I treat it like she's already Gone? Its so hard. Sorry for this longwinded post but I feel slightly better already for sharing my story. Really hope theres some people out there that can give me some positive advice and tips how to get through this and try and save my relationship.

Thanks for reading.

 

Give her space, do the 180, and treat it like she's already gone. Here's why. Implicit in hoping that she'll come back is the idea that the way things were was good. That may be your view, but it isn't hers. For her to come back the situation needs to change and improve. Since the only person you can change is yourself, the only control you have over the situation is to work on yourself. That's what the 180 is all about. We all have our faults and foibles, now is the time to endeavor reducing their number and scope.

 

Good luck OP.

[InTheGrips]

Give her space, do the 180, and treat it like she's already gone. Here's why. Implicit in hoping that she'll come back is the idea that the way things were was good. That may be your view, but it isn't hers. For her to come back the situation needs to change and improve. Since the only person you can change is yourself, the only control you have over the situation is to work on yourself. That's what the 180 is all about. We all have our faults and foibles, now is the time to endeavor reducing their number and scope.

 

Good luck OP.

 

Thank you so much. Man there are some wise people on this site. Your completely right, the only thing I can do is work on myself. I just wish I didn't think about it every minute of everyday.

[InTheGrips]

2 weeks on and things aren't looking good. She's moved into the spare room. We're still spending time together with the kids and having fun, even went on holidays together for a few days. She says she doesn't ever want to get back together and doesnt want counselling in any form, but wants us to live near each other and still wants to spend our days off together with the kids. It's like she wants all the benefits of the relationship but without actually being together. I told her that if she's deadly serious about this I need to vanish from her life in every way or I wouldn't get over her. This made her sad. She told me she misses me.

I'm so confused. It's like she has no clue as to what she wants. How do I get over this girl when we have a child together?

[thedude1974]

2 weeks on and things aren't looking good. She's moved into the spare room. We're still spending time together with the kids and having fun, even went on holidays together for a few days. She says she doesn't ever want to get back together and doesnt want counselling in any form, but wants us to live near each other and still wants to spend our days off together with the kids. It's like she wants all the benefits of the relationship but without actually being together. I told her that if she's deadly serious about this I need to vanish from her life in every way or I wouldn't get over her. This made her sad. She told me she misses me.

I'm so confused. It's like she has no clue as to what she wants. How do I get over this girl when we have a child together?

 

Sure, it helps to alleviate her guilt and keeps you around just in case.

 

Stay strong. Start socializing. Be independent.

 

Don't talk about the relationship. Act happy. Give her what she wants.

Don't challenge the way she FEELS. Detach.

 

Be supportive but never come across as needy.

 

 

Check "anthony de mello a rediscovery of life" on Youtube.

You might relate.

 

 

Best of Luck.

[thedude1974]

The former wont apply if there is another man in the picture.

 

I know it sounds unlikely, but with cell phones and FB, one can enter the fog without going out that much.

 

Dont obsess over it, but be alert.

[InTheGrips]

Sure, it helps to alleviate her guilt and keeps you around just in case.

 

Stay strong. Start socializing. Be independent.

 

Don't talk about the relationship. Act happy. Give her what she wants.

Don't challenge the way she FEELS. Detach.

 

Be supportive but never come across as needy.

 

 

Check "anthony de mello a rediscovery of life" on Youtube.

You might relate.

 

 

Best of Luck.

 

Thanks so much for the reply. I wish I knew how to detach emotionally.

I will check that out on YouTube. Thanks again

[thedude1974]

You're welcome.

 

You can also try googling "homer mcdonald audio interview" and listening to those 5 tracks.

 

Some more food for thought.

 

Detachment takes time.

 

I'm going through something similar myself, signing divorce papers next week, 2 kids.

 

STBXW was just too far gone, had already checked out.

 

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

 

 

Good luck.

[InTheGrips]

Thanks will check it out. Sorry to hear your bad news I hope you find peace

[thedude1974]

Thank you.

 

Hope it turns out better for you.

 

Finding peace and avoiding anger is indeed the key.

 

Some days are better than others.

 

Never in a million years believed she would go behind my back (probably not PA, but a full-blown EA endorsed by toxic friends).

 

Anyway... not meaning to hijack your thread.

 

Stay strong.

 

[SnapCracklePop]

I broke down and told her I finally realised how badly I had treated her emotionally and all the areas I needed and wanted to improve on to turn this relationship around. I asked for one last chance. She seemed slightly open to it, but very suspect to wether I could change or not.

 

Does the away time (50% of your time is away) contribute to any of this?

 

I don't know if things are over or not... but you can certainly demonstrate working on yourself if you do believe that you treated her bad (as you had indicated).

 

Going to the gym and doing healthy activities is a good step forward, but maybe you want to look into some individual counselling as well?

 

People don't just decide to be attracted to someone or not be attracted to someone. Its a magnet.. if you work on fixing those areas that were lacking, she might find herself looking in your direction as she had done before.

[InTheGrips]

Does the away time (50% of your time is away) contribute to any of this?

 

I don't know if things are over or not... but you can certainly demonstrate working on yourself if you do believe that you treated her bad (as you had indicated).

 

Going to the gym and doing healthy activities is a good step forward, but maybe you want to look into some individual counselling as well?

 

People don't just decide to be attracted to someone or not be attracted to someone. Its a magnet.. if you work on fixing those areas that were lacking, she might find herself looking in your direction as she had done before.

 

I think being away doesn't help in some ways. I am seeing a counsellor and phsycologist and have been softly pushing her towards doing the same. I am thinking if suggesting some counselling together in a few months possibly after she has some individual counselling.

 

I've told her that I want to put my feelings aside for now and help her through this. She seemed happy to hear this. My plan for the coming months is to really work on myself and the kids and support her in every way like I should of while we were together. I hold a glimmer of hope that a) she will beat this depression and b) realise that she still loves me and that I am still the old me who loves her very much but got a little lost along the way.

[SnapCracklePop]

I think being away doesn't help in some ways. I am seeing a counsellor and phsycologist and have been softly pushing her towards doing the same. I am thinking if suggesting some counselling together in a few months possibly after she has some individual counselling.

 

I've told her that I want to put my feelings aside for now and help her through this. She seemed happy to hear this. My plan for the coming months is to really work on myself and the kids and support her in every way like I should of while we were together. I hold a glimmer of hope that a) she will beat this depression and b) realise that she still loves me and that I am still the old me who loves her very much but got a little lost along the way.

 

Everyone knows that finances are always a touchy subject in a relationship. But proper communication skills - usually when it comes to how to communicate your concerns to your partner - will definitely be a valuable tool to have. You mentioned you got mad at her because of the legal costs and she didn't realize how much the court battle would cost. Perhaps getting mad at her over something as significant to her as child custody - is not the effective way to express those concerns no matter how valid they are.

 

I am guessing that you are thinking about providing for your family, and she is thinking about the well being of this person who is another significant person in her life. Both of you have good intentions, but your communications to each other is severely lacking and you did not work as the team that you should be.

 

Careful with "pushing" her to counselling. You can lead by example, but change only works when it comes from within. If she does go to counselling - great. You will only need counselling together if you cannot discuss without resorting to fighting.

 

So my suggestion to you is to continue counselling and learn how to communicate without blaming or resorting to anger. Become a good listener. Be a shining example of who you want to be for her. Let her see the difference in you and see you for who you are again.

[InTheGrips]

Everyone knows that finances are always a touchy subject in a relationship. But proper communication skills - usually when it comes to how to communicate your concerns to your partner - will definitely be a valuable tool to have. You mentioned you got mad at her because of the legal costs and she didn't realize how much the court battle would cost. Perhaps getting mad at her over something as significant to her as child custody - is not the effective way to express those concerns no matter how valid they are.

 

I am guessing that you are thinking about providing for your family, and she is thinking about the well being of this person who is another significant person in her life. Both of you have good intentions, but your communications to each other is severely lacking and you did not work as the team that you should be.

 

Careful with "pushing" her to counselling. You can lead by example, but change only works when it comes from within. If she does go to counselling - great. You will only need counselling together if you cannot discuss without resorting to fighting.

 

So my suggestion to you is to continue counselling and learn how to communicate without blaming or resorting to anger. Become a good listener. Be a shining example of who you want to be for her. Let her see the difference in you and see you for who you are again.

 

Firstly, thank you so much for your advice and posting in my thread. It feels like you've read my whole story and understand what's going on.

Only now do I see where I have failed in this relationship. We have always had problems with communication but I guess never addressed them properly. Your completely right about our intentions being different.

She needs the counselling I feel because she is going through all of this alone. The depression, the break up, everything. She has always found it hard to open up to people. She has workmates but no one she feels comfortable talking to.

 

Your last paragraph sums up exactly what I want to do. Show her that I've changed, not for her but for myself. And that I've learnt a lot about myself and our relationship.