Can married people have single friends of the opposite sex?

[Snipercatt]

Google KISA (Knight In Shining Armor) syndrome. It sounds like your MM teacher friend is one of those.

[Secret Advisor]

She wants him and she wants us to convinve her that he wants her as well. Transparent.

[Grumpybutfun]

My wife's best friend is a guy. He is also gay and they have been friends since college. Therefore, yes, it is possible. However, I have never had any luck with being friends only with women. Either they want a sexual relationship with me or they develop deeper feelings. My wife usually takes offense at this for some reason.

 

However, the comments he made to you at the bar were flirty and inappropriate. He probably was aware you had a crush on him earlier and was trying to recapture that. Motives here weren't healthy for his marriage or your emotional stability.

 

Best,

Grumps

[the_entertainer1]

She wants him and she wants us to convinve her that he wants her as well. Transparent.

 

Hardly! Why would I waste time trying to ask a bunch of strangers to tell me that an older, married coworker and father I've known for two years wants me? And why would I bother lying to people I don't know, about feelings I don't have? Believe me, I have no interest in anything more than a friendship with the guy - the key phrase I used was that I used to have a crush on him!

 

I'm interested in human nature and interactions between people. I have a very analytical mind. I sometimes overthink things. I'm cautious of social norms. I'm finding my way in the post-uni world, with 'real' adults, and discovering more about people.

[demrea]

this is amazing ... really? as a human being, my wife or I can be friends with whoever we choose. we don't need permission for friendships, we are free people.

 

 

what we do with that friendship is up to each person. if a line is crossed, face the consequences of that decision but in the meantime, we are married, not owned.

[BHsigh]

My wife can have all of the male friends that she wants, like demrea said, I don't own her.

 

However, I do have to point out that if she so chooses to have a male friend then I will choose to leave her asap and file for divorce immediately.

 

Of course, she had an affair with a "male friend", so that question is highly tainted in regards to her.

[Snipercatt]

Entertainer, you are admittedly young and inexperienced regarding these matters. The fact that you had a crush on this man and that he chooses to play a KISA stacks the cards against one, or both, of you being able to be true friends.

Just because you think you can maintain just a friendship isn't good enough. Like with chemistry you have to consider the other components of the mixture and quantify those that are harmful, or that waste your time and resources.

 

Let.it.go.

 

Have you returned his books?

[Secret Advisor]

Hardly! Why would I waste time trying to ask a bunch of strangers to tell me that an older, married coworker and father I've known for two years wants me? And why would I bother lying to people I don't know, about feelings I don't have? Believe me, I have no interest in anything more than a friendship with the guy - the key phrase I used was that I used to have a crush on him!

 

I'm interested in human nature and interactions between people. I have a very analytical mind. I sometimes overthink things. I'm cautious of social norms. I'm finding my way in the post-uni world, with 'real' adults, and discovering more about people.

 

You are in denial of your own motives. As someone else said, let it go.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Yes they can, but this guy wants more from you than that, so don't go there.

 

One of my best friends in the world is a married guy 20 years older than me. We met while doing voluntary work and really clicked, have been through a lot together in the past five years. Some might think it's a little weird a 40 year old guy and a 22 year old woman becoming such good friends but I don't really see ages, and over the time we spent together volunteering we just became awesome personal close friends too.

 

I know his wife, she's on my facebook, I'll go round to their house and hang with both of them sometimes, I have babysat his son and taken him out for the day, I'm just a family friend despite our age disparity and his marital status. He's never so much as flirted once. When I've had boyfriends I've been stoked to introduce them to him because he's a very important person in my life and an amazing person all round (he has terminal illness and is very unwell and yet still gives SO much time to charity seeing as he is too sick to work anymore, there's more to it than that).

 

Turns out his wife has been reading his facebook messages for the past six months, and texts, she seems to be going out of her mind a little now with the pressure of the illness. So she has seen every morsel exchanged and obviously there's nothing untoward.

 

So yes, it's possible. But no, that isn't what this coworker of yours wants from you. If my friend so much as flirted with me once I would be devastated he thought our friendship could go down that path because he's like family to me now. But in over five years nothing like that has ever happened.

[Snipercatt]

TheEnt, you've asked this question several times in several different ways since August 2012 and have received similar responses. What's up with you?

[the_entertainer1]

TheEnt, you've asked this question several times in several different ways since August 2012 and have received similar responses. What's up with you?

 

Just curious about human nature.

 

To answer your question before - I'm going to ask a friend who still works with him to return the books. (It's still school holidays here.)

[Secret Advisor]

TheEnt, you've asked this question several times in several different ways since August 2012 and have received similar responses. What's up with you?

 

It's one of these ego things where she has a crush on a guy and she wants to convince herself that the guy has feelings for her as well.

[berrieh]

Yes, married people can have single friends of the opposite sex, but they should be "friends of the couple"--not someone who is only friends with one spouse and not the other.

 

In the case of your married friend, is he the same 50 year old coworker that you started a thread about last year? The one you had a crush on, and wondered if you were moving toward being the OW? If so, that's a highly inappropriate choice of "friend".

 

This thread has a creepy vibe (the OP's particulars with this guy) which I'm sure will validate the belief that opposite sex friends are somehow dangerous. As a teacher myself, I certainly understand having friends of both genders and all ages that my spouse would never befriend (not because he dislikes them particularly but because if they weren't teachers, neither would I). They are my friends alone, really. And our common ground (in most cases ... every once and while there's a weirdo like me who I'd actually be friends with and who shares more common interests) is teaching, which a SO can't share.

 

My spouse may come to an event now and then, and they know I have one, but most spouses don't bother and neither does mine. When teachers get together, it becomes insular in so many ways. I'm sure there are other high stress professions where this is also true.

 

So I would say I definitely have males friends (real ones from before I married and new and old male teacher friends who are less 'real friends' and more 'battle friends') that are not my husband's friends. Not because they're secret or somehow set apart from him, but because he just wouldn't have any common ground with them or has no interest in befriending them. I also have other hobby interests outside of my marriage, though we share many hobbies too, so friends from those places are my friends alone too. I don't distinguish friends by gender in any particular way. Though I'm rarely alone with just one friend anyway, which seem to be the situations most people mind.

 

I think all friendships should be open to the other spouse, but I don't think they all need to be befriended by both or stamped with approval (the 2nd part depends on your marriage, obviously). Hubby has friends that aren't mine, too, and we have together friends as well.

 

That said, married people and attached people really shouldn't flirt with others and people shouldn't fantasize or fancy affairs with marrieds/attacheds. That they do says nothing about opposite sex friends in general.

[BOREDouttaMymind]

its like this.. if you ever get married, and you're fine with your husband hanging out with a 24 year old pretty girl.. then sure.. its fine.

[the_entertainer1]

It's one of these ego things where she has a crush on a guy and she wants to convince herself that the guy has feelings for her as well.

 

Secret Advisor - comments like this show that you don't seem to be a part of the "caring, close-knit community" that LoveShack.org claims to host.

 

I asked the question because I was curious about whether married people can have friends of the opposite sex. Nothing more. As I have said repeatedly, I no longer have a crush on the guy, haven't for a good 12 months, and have no desire to "convince myself" that a 51 year old guy has feelings for me.

[Snipercatt]

I asked the question because I was curious about whether married people can have friends of the opposite sex

 

Asking the same question, several different times over a year's timeframe, about the same situation, is what makes posters wonder about the creep factor. You, being curious about human nature, might research that aspect of internet postings, and posters, as the answers you've received regarding the "friendship" question have remained essentially the same.

 

a "caring, close-knit community of anonymous and ever-changing internet posters" might, on its face seem to be an oxymoron. However, support doesn't necessarily mean posters blow rainbow skittles your way, but remark in a fashion in order to jar you into seeing that perhaps you don't recognize your own motivations.

 

Frequently those posts you react to the most vehemently are those which hit closest to the truth.

 

Whether, or not, you think a 51 year old married excoworker has feelings about you, you are still asking the question about that specific situation over a year later.

Edited January 15, 2014 by Snipercatt