Starting to Dislike/Mistrust All Women.... ?

[theothersully]

I don't want to go in this direction. I'm starting to dislike and mistrust all women.

 

I've always been a guy who is comfortable with his feelings and with falling in love. I've never been afraid of getting hurt because the fun out of being in love is better than the pain of being hurt. now, I am having trouble trusting any women at all. I am afraid to fall in love.

 

I feel like most women are bad people. At least when it comes to relationships. Very selfish,and do not take other people's feelings into consideration. mostly, they are looking for a short term high and then moving on. this is not just my experience, but what I see with all of the women friends that I have and I have a lot. they generally treat their partners very badly. They have no regard for other people's feelings. Only their own.

 

I have many examples, but take my step sister for example. she is married to a very nice guy who treats her well. she rewarded his good behavior by finding a new guy, cheating on him, and now leaving for the new guy. literally, this guy she is married to did nothing at all wrong. nothing. the women in my family then tell her it is no problem, it is natural, it wasn't meant to be. These are all excuses. Excuses for bad behavior. Why do women say these things? Why do they think this way? I don't understand it. Why do they have no commitment to anyone? No values? No integrity? It seems everyone I know and I know about 60 of them, thanks this same way. Men don't think like this. My father was very upset about my stepsister cheating and leaving her husband. yet, my stepmother thought it was great. very natural. Didn't see any problem with it. Neither did my real sister.

 

this is just another in a long, long line of the same types of pattern I have been seeing for many months now. I see it on this board. I see it with my female friends. I see it within my family. And I have seen it a little bit, within my own relationships and flings and whatever else.

 

so add this all up, and now I think that women cannot be trusted because this is how they all think in my life. It is like you can't give them your heart because it will not work. They have no regard for it.

 

This leaves you having to have fake relationships where you are not in love and go along with the motions. Might as well just hire escorts or sugar babies for that.

 

can anyone convince me otherwise? Now, I am NOT saying that men are any better. Maybe they are worse. Maybe all humans are bad towards each other now. But, how can I get over my mistrust of all women that is starting to develop. I do not want to go around my whole life thinking this way. I am trying to be open about starting something new. However, it is very difficult when all I see around me is this selfish behavior from women. How can I start thinking a different way? I do not want to go down this path. I do not want to become bitter. I do not want to mistrust every woman I meet. Any ideas?

Edited January 1, 2014 by theothersully

[carhill]

Since each of us has the choice to associate, or not, with any human, either singularly or in groups, we can each choose to align ourselves with individuals and groups which reflect the values and philosophies we value. We don't have to just 'deal with' what comes our way. We have choices.

 

What I've focused on since my divorce is seeking out women who exemplify the values and philosophies I align with and learn from them and allow them to become my new 'normal'. Their relationship status matters not. The work isn't sexual. It's spiritual. It helps me more quickly identify and choose to discount and dismiss those women who do not align with my life path. With billions of individuals on the planet, we dismiss and discount them every day. Hundreds of women did that to me during my single, dating, years. I didn't match up so was discounted and dismissed. That's a good thing, not a bad thing. Finally the lesson sunk in. Being married really helped.

 

Good luck.

[Pearl27]

I think humans in general are bad to each other. Men can be real a**holes too. How many men trade in their loving wife for a younger, hotter one?

 

I have a few questions: how do you present yourself in relationships? You say you enjoy being in love. I've known a few guys who say the same thing, and make their girlfriend a priority. Unfortunately, since those guys were so focused on being nice to women, the women they attracted were the type to take advantage of nice people. Those women hurt and manipulated them because they enjoyed the power trip. Not everyone gets into relationships for love and companionship. Many get in for less nurturing reasons. Now, I don't know if this is how you are because I do not know you. But when you said you like being in love, and the confusion over your callous stepsister, I started to wonder. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

 

But with that in mind, what carhill said is true. If you value treating others well, align yourself with others who feel the same way. You'd be happier and less prone to developing bitterness.

[Delilah1623]

Sounds like you are meeting the wrong women. I have learned people tend to surround themselves with people that have similar values or can be impressionable. If you hang around trash you start to smell.

[Woggle]

There was a time when I seriously hated women with a capital H. Finding a woman who is nothing like that helped me get over it plus some women on and offline who showed that they aren't all like that. It does piss me off how men get the bad rap for this stuff when in reality neither gender has the moral upper hand.

 

Birds of a feather flock together so most of the women you meet are in the same circle. They don't all think this way.

[carhill]

Another idea which worked for myself was to commit to caring for a companion. Ironically, it has bookended well with seeking out and valuing women who aligned with my life path. My current companion, as did my past companion, came from or through such women. I tend to prefer purebred male cats but that part of the equation is really irrelevant to the base issue of investing in, caring for, and loving a companion. A woman may not be in the cards right now but that's OK, and they're OK. If you're a caring and loving man, then keep those tools polished; they'll get used again with a woman someday.

[theothersully]

I think humans in general are bad to each other. Men can be real a**holes too. How many men trade in their loving wife for a younger, hotter one?

 

I have a few questions: how do you present yourself in relationships? You say you enjoy being in love. I've known a few guys who say the same thing, and make their girlfriend a priority. Unfortunately, since those guys were so focused on being nice to women, the women they attracted were the type to take advantage of nice people. Those women hurt and manipulated them because they enjoyed the power trip. Not everyone gets into relationships for love and companionship. Many get in for less nurturing reasons. Now, I don't know if this is how you are because I do not know you. But when you said you like being in love, and the confusion over your callous stepsister, I started to wonder. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

 

But with that in mind, what carhill said is true. If you value treating others well, align yourself with others who feel the same way. You'd be happier and less prone to developing bitterness.

 

thank you for the response. In relationships I am not sure how I present myself. I do always make the other person a priority. this works extremely well when both people do it. these are the types of girls that I usually have relationships with. I don't see it as being nice to women. I see it as being a nice person. This is important to me.by no means am i a pushover, but I generally treat people that I am close to very well. not like a spineless kind of guy who doesn't stand up to his partner, but just someone who likes to make other people feel good when in a relationship.

 

I am able to attract and keep girls in relationships no problem. I have had several long term relationships. And was married for 10 years. The problem is mostly what I see around me now.it is not my own personal relationship experience, maybe just a little hint of that. It is everything that I see around me.

 

I really don't want to be a jerk to people. I don't like that type of personal interaction where I treat a woman poorly . I prefer stability and happiness over turmoil and drama.

 

I don't understand what you're asking about the step sister. could you explain that?

 

Carhill.... I think I need to find a larger source of new women to do what you are saying. Like, I need to have 10 new ones a day to sort through to try to find any that have a reasonable personality. That seems to be so rare right now.

Edited January 1, 2014 by theothersully

[theothersully]

Another idea which worked for myself was to commit to caring for a companion. Ironically, it has bookended well with seeking out and valuing women who aligned with my life path. My current companion, as did my past companion, came from or through such women. I tend to prefer purebred male cats but that part of the equation is really irrelevant to the base issue of investing in, caring for, and loving a companion. A woman may not be in the cards right now but that's OK, and they're OK. If you're a caring and loving man, then keep those tools polished; they'll get used again with a woman someday.

 

Ah, unfortunately, animals are not for me. I am a traveler and the commitment of a pet does not work with my lifestyle. I'm sure that would work great for people who live in one place though.

[carhill]

Ah, unfortunately, animals are not for me. I am a traveler and the commitment of a pet does not work with my lifestyle. I'm sure that would work great for people who live in one place though.

Hello, fellow traveler. I fly upwards of 100K miles a year and just returned from a camping trip at the beach with my companion. He's known in the campground as the 'camper cat'. My best friend and his wife travel with their cats and developed elaborate outdoor habitats for them and their RV. Other friends routinely travel with their dogs. If one is committed, no obstacle is insurmountable. In fact, the commitment to such a companion has impelled me to create new designs which I'll implement and patent and hopefully eventually market. To me, it's all connected and I'll surely thank those women who were/are an important part of the process. IMO, the key is assigning positive emotions to thoughts of women; this forestalls bitterness. Sure, there are 'bad' women in the world; they're just not right for you - 'bad' for you. They could be perfect for someone else. Celebrate that and walk your path.

[theothersully]

You know what though? I'm only just starting to think like this. That's why I want to nip it in the bud and stop this way of thinking before it grows. There has to be some reasonably good women out there. They're just has to be.

 

I liked your joke about single people having 0 percent divorce rate. ha ha ha

 

but here's the thing. I lead a very different and unique type of life. It is filled with adventure and traveling. There are many things to experience in my every day life that most people don't get to experience who work in offices. I like sharing this with other people. It just isn't the same to wake up in the morning and see a sunrise by yourself. I need someone to bounce ideas off of. To appreciate that morning sunrise. Things like that.some people can go to the movies alone. I could never do that. I have to have someone to communicate with when I am sharing new experiences. I don't know why this is, but I need it.

 

I feel that experiencing interesting things by yourself is not as good as experiencing them with someone you are close to.

 

so being 100 percent comfortable with being single doesn't work for me.I am the kind of person who needs companionship.I am dating and seeing so many different girls right now because when one of them is busy or doesn't want to see me, I just call a different one to fill the companionship void. but these short term, non serious the flings or whatever they are, don't work as well as a single relationship would.

[theothersully]

Hello, fellow traveler. I fly upwards of 100K miles a year and just returned from a camping trip at the beach with my companion. He's known in the campground as the 'camper cat'. My best friend and his wife travel with their cats and developed elaborate outdoor habitats for them and their RV. Other friends routinely travel with their dogs. If one is committed, no obstacle is insurmountable. In fact, the commitment to such a companion has impelled me to create new designs which I'll implement and patent and hopefully eventually market. To me, it's all connected and I'll surely thank those women who were/are an important part of the process. IMO, the key is assigning positive emotions to thoughts of women; this forestalls bitterness. Sure, there are 'bad' women in the world; they're just not right for you - 'bad' for you. They could be perfect for someone else. Celebrate that and walk your path.

 

really good advice. Thank you. I like the whole finding the right alignment idea.I am definitely still not a pet person though, thank you hahaha

 

and yes I always use to have a positive thoughts regarding women until very recently. This is why I started this thread. I do not want to go in the wrong direction.

[theothersully]

yeah, I have several of them that I am bouncing between to try to cobble together a decent something or other. Hahaha

 

but, literally none of them are the right match for me. I don't know why, but I have the sense that they are all the type that I am describing above. I did just lose one of them this weekend in Miami. There is another thread on that. She was a FWB and it didn't work out. I had some feelings for her. So that is done. god forbid you have any feeling these days. Hanging out is the norm. Feelings will get you dumped. I also seem to be keeping them all at an arms length. And they are doing the same with me. So maybe it's just not working.

 

I actually prefer to focus on one woman only. But, I'm playing their game. They seem to enjoy a large number of different people. I was more most focused on the one in Miami. That caused a problem. She did not convert from F WB over to anything more. instead, I got friend zoned.

 

I think for myself, I am picking all the wrong ones. I keep picking much younger women. What I need is a woman that's somewhere in her very late 20s or early 30s. I can't seem to meet any of them. All I meet is people in their low 20's and even late teens. Hahaha I'm Way late thirties.

 

so that's a mess too. But it is really what I am observing around me that is causing me to think this way. Not necessarily my own personal relationship experience.

Edited January 1, 2014 by theothersully

[Pearl27]

thank you for the response. In relationships I am not sure how I present myself. I do always make the other person a priority. this works extremely well when both people do it. these are the types of girls that I usually have relationships with. I don't see it as being nice to women. I see it as being a nice person. This is important to me.by no means am i a pushover, but I generally treat people that I am close to very well. not like a spineless kind of guy who doesn't stand up to his partner, but just someone who likes to make other people feel good when in a relationship.

 

I am able to attract and keep girls in relationships no problem. I have had several long term relationships. And was married for 10 years. The problem is mostly what I see around me now.it is not my own personal relationship experience, maybe just a little hint of that. It is everything that I see around me.

 

I really don't want to be a jerk to people. I don't like that type of personal interaction where I treat a woman poorly . I prefer stability and happiness over turmoil and drama.

 

I don't understand what you're asking about the step sister. could you explain that?

 

Carhill.... I think I need to find a larger source of new women to do what you are saying. Like, I need to have 10 new ones a day to sort through to try to find any that have a reasonable personality. That seems to be so rare right now.

 

Regarding your stepsister, you are very upset and confused that she was so callous to her husband by leaving him for another guy. I agree what she did was horrible, because I see cheating as cowardly. I'm also confused that anyone would cheer her on. But my point was that you seemed confused and upset that any woman would do that to a good husband, so I wondered what is your approach to relationships.

 

It's good that you want to take care of someone, and like everyone here is saying, find someone who wants the same. I also don't think you should be this upset if you've had several long standing relationships and had been married for 10 years. You've had success with good women before, so there's hope for you. No need to give up now.

[theothersully]

Regarding your stepsister, you are very upset and confused that she was so callous to her husband by leaving him for another guy. I agree what she did was horrible, because I see cheating as cowardly. I'm also confused that anyone would cheer her on. But my point was that you seemed confused and upset that any woman would do that to a good husband, so I wondered what is your approach to relationships.

 

It's good that you want to take care of someone, and like everyone here is saying, find someone who wants the same. I also don't think you should be this upset if you've had several long standing relationships and had been married for 10 years. You've had success with good women before, so there's hope for you. No need to give up now.

 

thank you. I just have to clear up one thing. I'm not confused or upset about my step sister. My father was upset about my step sister. I don't actually care at all. It is just another example of the behavior I see around me. The part that really sticks for me, is how all the other women in the family see it as fate or destiny or something that is meant to be, rather than cheating and dumping a guy that was nice to her. This is the part that is upsetting. That all the women in the family think it is no big deal. Just like all the women I am friends with do the same kinds of things to their men and think it is no big deal. Maybe all people do this now, I don't know. I was married for 10 years. Hahaha

[xxoo]

Trust yourself. Trust that you can identify and attract a sincere mate, and that you can be content with singlehood until you find that person.

 

If you fall into the pattern of dating insincere women, you'll fuel your own fears about women. And, you'll make yourself less desirable to sincere women.

[xxoo]

Maybe all people do this now, I don't know. I was married for 10 years. Hahaha

 

No, absolutely not all people.

 

I've been married over 20 years. In my observation, the couples who fall apart due to cheating are often the couples with few other problems. Someone got "bored"; it's immaturity, and very often that trait was obvious before marriage.

 

I've watched other couples hang on and stay together through addiction, foreclosure, illness and disability, joblessness, etc--and no cheating, no leaving, no divorce.

 

And thankfully, there are also other couples that weather the normal ups and down of life with no cheating.

[carhill]

It appears much of the OP's central perspective regarding women is influenced by those with whom he's had long life experience - the women of his family. To wit:

 

'I have many examples, but take my step sister for example. she is married to a very nice guy who treats her well. she rewarded his good behavior by finding a new guy, cheating on him, and now leaving for the new guy. literally, this guy she is married to did nothing at all wrong. nothing. the women in my family then tell her it is no problem, it is natural, it wasn't meant to be. These are all excuses. Excuses for bad behavior. Why do women say these things? Why do they think this way? I don't understand it. Why do they have no commitment to anyone? No values? No integrity? It seems everyone I know and I know about 60 of them, thanks this same way. Men don't think like this. My father was very upset about my stepsister cheating and leaving her husband. yet, my stepmother thought it was great. very natural. Didn't see any problem with it. Neither did my real sister.'

 

When this occurs, it's entirely plausible to project what I term 'FOO issues' onto the larger world, in essence 'looking for' validation of one's perspective. Even if not visibly 'upset', there's an undercurrent of emotional memory influencing one's actions and choices. Perhaps the emotional memories are immutable; perhaps not. What remains is processing them into thoughts and actions. This is where choice comes in. Accept the emotion and memory as valid and valuable. Choose how to process it.

 

If necessary, disconnect, either emotionally or physically or both, those family members who don't match up with the processing. Yeah, they may be blood but one doesn't have to serve a life sentence with them. That's a choice.

 

What's your New Year's resolution?

[dreamingoftigers]

Regarding your stepsister, you are very upset and confused that she was so callous to her husband by leaving him for another guy. I agree what she did was horrible, because I see cheating as cowardly. I'm also confused that anyone would cheer her on. But my point was that you seemed confused and upset that any woman would do that to a good husband, so I wondered what is your approach to relationships.

 

It's good that you want to take care of someone, and like everyone here is saying, find someone who wants the same. I also don't think you should be this upset if you've had several long standing relationships and had been married for 10 years. You've had success with good women before, so there's hope for you. No need to give up now.

 

I think that often people go through this when they've invested significantly into a relationship with an unstable and/or manipulative person.

 

I myself had a very bleak view of men. Viewed them as users of women only trying to stack up sexual experiences with as many as possible. Sort of like those playboy playing cards from many years ago. I thought my husband had been different and then when I found out about his sexual addiction I felt so let down because he had convinced me so well for three years how wonderful and loving he was. I believed that if a man like him could fake it with me for three years into a marriage and pregnancy, and he was the best I had encountered, that it must just be the damn gender. Forget them all the lying bastards.

 

Then I came to loveshack and started reading about men on here who were losing their marriages etc. and they were really broken up about it. And how men were struggling with dating. I always thought dating was like shooting fish in barrels for men because so many women were hoping to find a good man and getting lied to by future-fakers and married men and such that if you were actually a GOOD GUY you'd be snapped off the market so fast other women's heads would spin. In bitter, bitter jealousy.

 

However, I've come to know through my experiences over the last five years a very important fact:

 

Everyone is fu*king crazy. Fu*king everybody. Black or white. Male or female. Rich or poor. Everyone.

 

But there are degrees of crazy. Are you stalker-crazy? Are just entitled-crazy?

 

OP you mention your stepsister and other female family members being of poor conscience. In my family it is the men. The men on my mother and fathers side are terrible parents, do the hump-and-dump with women etc.

 

The only exception I can think of is my Aunt. But even that's kind of a weird one.

 

She was married to my Uncle B. Uncle B was a notorious alcoholic/womanizer. They didn't have children together. Frankly I don't know what the heck they were doing together. My aunt seems to be more pragmatic than emotional. Anyways, he played his own ball game and she started dating another divorced guy. For, oh, about 20 (actually they had been together awhile by 1986, so it's been quite awhile). It was always the three of them hanging out.

Apparently my Uncle found out about it (duh) and called her a whore at a Christmas Party in front of everyone. But they stayed together etc. I think another 5 years. It was hardly a secret. He died while partying in Florida.

He always said he was "here for a good time not a long time."

 

Well I think Uncle B died in 98 or so. She married the other guy about 7 or so years ago. He's nice to my cousin/my husband/and me. Enh I don't know exactly what to make of all of that but I kind of dont care. I wouldn't want to live that way either.

 

But otherwise, the men on both sides of my family use and abuse. I have one uncle who has (at least) 8 children by three women and has hospitalized all three. The rest of my father's brothers have created so many broken homes that the wolf from the three little pigs is envious.

 

On my Mom's side it is generational.

 

Now the interesting thing is in my husbands family: it's specifically his mother that is very very controlling. She had four children. (Technically three, she raised my husband after her daughter had him removed from her care). They are all completely screwed up. My husband is easily the best of the bunch and he's struggled with homelessness, alcoholism, he has historically done a bunch of drugs, and sexual addiction. (Oh yay.) I didn't know the degree of any of this before we were married. He kept it very very very well-hidden. He thought a lot if it was "just what guys do that you keep a secret from your wife." Ugh.

 

But I find him nightmarishly reactive. He expects me to step out of be abusive and controlling like his mother. I hate it. And frankly, I do a pretty good job of asserting myself considering I could just roll over and submit. My mother did that for 30+ years and nothing got better, it only got worse. So I won't go there.

 

But I can assure you, if you are attracting user-women there is something probably addictive about those relationships to you.

 

PLUS I believe that we attract people that are what we believe them to be like. ARG. That was horrible a horrible sentence.

 

What I mean is that on a subconscious level we say "I believe all men are 'X' but I want something different."

Well if you believe all men are 'X' then that is what you'll end up with. In fact when you meet 'X' something inside you says: "whoa, hold on. Talk to that guy longer because he's what you think a man is." Then you go onto those higher mental functions saying "okay, I've got some attraction here, is he a user?"

 

"Hey man, do you use people?"

"Uh, no, why?"

"I had an ex that used me."

"Oh baby I'm not like that, I don't use people. I'm a victim of being used just like yourself."

 

Then inside you go, "oh okay PERFECT. He gets it. He totally gets it."

When really, it usually isn't this blunt but since you both attracted to each other you tell yourselves "I know she/he wants to hear XYZ to keep this going. And I know that I'm not quite XYZ, but I think they are do great that I don't mind trying XYZ or I've always wanted to be XYZ so I'll give it a shot."

But it doesn't work because then the persons real, unsorted patterns come out. Leaving both people feeling like they got a raw deal.

 

Sadly enough we are most likely to shoot down a healthy mate "no spark by the second date" because they don't fit that subconscious definition of "man" or "woman" that we have inside us.

 

So that's probably where the work needs to start.

 

Sometimes on this board I've been accused of taking a side or whatever because "someone's a girl." I find this funny. Clearly they don't read many of my posts because I tend to call people out on behaviour, not based on gender lines. I tend to think "how would I feel if someone did this to me" or "what kind of mindset would I have to be in to do this to somebody."

 

It's easy to get offended when we feel like our "group" is attacked. But really, the world has for the most part moved beyond tribes and rigid family roles. Basically, if someone is selfish it didn't come from their ovaries or testes. It came from that bag of jelly behind their forehead.

[dreamingoftigers]

Of course I work on my post for freaking ever on my phone, trying to catch every dumb autocorrect it makes and Carhill's comes along, gets his post up first and says it far more concisely and elegantly than I do.

 

 

It appears much of the OP's central perspective regarding women is influenced by those with whom he's had long life experience - the women of his family. To wit:

 

'I have many examples, but take my step sister for example. she is married to a very nice guy who treats her well. she rewarded his good behavior by finding a new guy, cheating on him, and now leaving for the new guy. literally, this guy she is married to did nothing at all wrong. nothing. the women in my family then tell her it is no problem, it is natural, it wasn't meant to be. These are all excuses. Excuses for bad behavior. Why do women say these things? Why do they think this way? I don't understand it. Why do they have no commitment to anyone? No values? No integrity? It seems everyone I know and I know about 60 of them, thanks this same way. Men don't think like this. My father was very upset about my stepsister cheating and leaving her husband. yet, my stepmother thought it was great. very natural. Didn't see any problem with it. Neither did my real sister.'

 

When this occurs, it's entirely plausible to project what I term 'FOO issues' onto the larger world, in essence 'looking for' validation of one's perspective. Even if not visibly 'upset', there's an undercurrent of emotional memory influencing one's actions and choices. Perhaps the emotional memories are immutable; perhaps not. What remains is processing them into thoughts and actions. This is where choice comes in. Accept the emotion and memory as valid and valuable. Choose how to process it.

 

If necessary, disconnect, either emotionally or physically or both, those family members who don't match up with the processing. Yeah, they may be blood but one doesn't have to serve a life sentence with them. That's a choice.

 

What's your New Year's resolution?

[dreamingoftigers]

The part that really sticks for me, is how all the other women in the family see it as fate or destiny or something that is meant to be, rather than cheating and dumping a guy that was nice to her. This is the part that is upsetting.

 

I hate this crap too.

 

I remember my ex-fiancé dumping me six weeks before the wedding.

He was so conflict-avoidant that he MOVED AWAY and called me from where he moved away to.

 

Don't get me wrong I wasn't psycho or anything. It was like I was abusive or stalking him. It was a really extreme response. He also gas a history of conflict-avoidance. In fact his mother was really confused by it too. He wouldn't go out sometimes from the house even to get groceries because "his Mom might need him to be there."

 

He was 26. The even stranger thing about it was that from what I could see and know she wasn't particularly overbearing etc. in fact she really tried to be understanding but push his to live his own life/make his own decisions and he had a REALLY hard time with that and a boatload of social anxiety. If we went to church we would sit behind the stage curtains together because he couldn't stand easily to be seen by people. Everyone knew we were back there (he did it alone too) but it just was his "thing."

 

I had dated guys with social anxiety before so I guess it didn't phase me. He contacted me quite a few times after we broke up, even inviting me to visit his place but I had already moved on. It had been very crushing to me. I heard later through a mutual acquaintance that he was diagnosed with being on the autism spectrum. Not surpassing to me. My brother and sister are both autistic so the social aspect didn't phase me as being highly unusual. Plus he's the only man I have been with that I can confidently say was more intelligent than I am. If you knew me well, you would know that wasn't sharp arrogance. I've dated other men who were around as smart +/- bit I can say for sure that he was definitely smarter and one of the few men who appreciated my mind. I only beat him at chess once the whole time we were together.

 

After the split-up, I heard a lot of "oh honey, it wasn't meant to be,"

Or "it wasn't part of God's plan."

 

Oh for fu*k sakes.

It wasn't the "giant hand of fate" the slapped apart that relationship. It was two people. One was conflict-avoidant and the other had serious emotional and boundary issues still resonating from my family of origin. It was about the CHOICES we made, not whether or not we were shot square in the arse by Cupid!

 

ARG. It just smacks as a way to absolve people of RESPONSIBILTY for their own choices. And it's rude. Almost like "oh well, I guess I didn't realize it 'wasn't meant to be' I should have picked up on that since its so obvious to everyone else. My bad. I guess since it wasn't meant to be I should just get over it then."

[Grumpybutfun]

Also consider the age range of the women you are dating. Females who are 18-24 are not going to be emotionally mature enough to deal with a grown man who has already came through a marriage and many relationships. You are asking a semi-pro baseball player to throw herself into the big leagues and play just as well as someone who has been there for ten years.

No gender has the corner on acting lazy, immature, deceitful, selfish or cruel. Your focus is on women because that is your dating pool, but people like your stepsister comes in many forms. Also, these female family members who are egging her on are the same people she gets her general values and morals from so they are only enforcing what they have taught her through their own behavior. As children we always look up to the same sex parent for cues on how to act...

Define what you are seeking and focus on that instead of what you do not want. That way you can cull the one nights stands and casual prospects before you get emotionally invested and potentially hurt.

Next week I am going to the wedding of my forty year old friend from college who hated women and thought he would never find anyone. He found a little forty year old spitfire who had been waiting for a guy just like him but he had to reign in his anger and resentment over the wrong ones in order to secure the affections of the right one. Thankfully, I stay up late...we had some honest heart to hearts and he was surprised at how ugly and jaded his view had become. Most of it was due to some crazy exes and his messed up family.

There is a woman right now who is waiting for normal....she has had these same thoughts about men.... But she probably isn't a teen or a young adult just starting out in her own mistake laden journey.

Best,

Grumps

[dreamingoftigers]

Also consider the age range of the women you are dating. Females who are 18-24 are not going to be emotionally mature enough to deal with a grown man who has already came through a marriage and many relationships. You are asking a semi-pro baseball player to throw herself into the big leagues and play just as well as someone who has been there for ten years.

No gender has the corner on acting lazy, immature, deceitful, selfish or cruel. Your focus is on women because that is your dating pool, but people like your stepsister comes in many forms. Also, these female family members who are egging her on are the same people she gets her general values and morals from so they are only enforcing what they have taught her through their own behavior. As children we always look up to the same sex parent for cues on how to act...

Define what you are seeking and focus on that instead of what you do not want. That way you can cull the one nights stands and casual prospects before you get emotionally invested and potentially hurt.

Next week I am going to the wedding of my forty year old friend from college who hated women and thought he would never find anyone. He found a little forty year old spitfire who had been waiting for a guy just like him but he had to reign in his anger and resentment over the wrong ones in order to secure the affections of the right one. Thankfully, I stay up late...we had some honest heart to hearts and he was surprised at how ugly and jaded his view had become. Most of it was due to some crazy exes and his messed up family.

There is a woman right now who is waiting for normal....she has had these same thoughts about men.... But she probably isn't a teen or a young adult just starting out in her own mistake laden journey.

Best,

Grumps

 

 

Agreed on that point too.

In my personal opinion the best relationships have matching baggage.

Which is why many May-December romances don't work. It's hard to be empathetic to a partner at times as it is, but it is that much harder when they don't have similar struggles or one has far, far more emotional/personality, situational struggles than the other.

 

A widowed guy with eight children doesn't have the best relationship potential for a single girl in her early 20s.

 

Or a 45 year old woman chasing after a 19 year old guy ( or vice Versa) There's just too much life-context difference.

[theothersully]

Also consider the age range of the women you are dating. Females who are 18-24 are not going to be emotionally mature enough to deal with a grown man who has already came through a marriage and many relationships. You are asking a semi-pro baseball player to throw herself into the big leagues and play just as well as someone who has been there for ten years.

No gender has the corner on acting lazy, immature, deceitful, selfish or cruel. Your focus is on women because that is your dating pool, but people like your stepsister comes in many forms. Also, these female family members who are egging her on are the same people she gets her general values and morals from so they are only enforcing what they have taught her through their own behavior. As children we always look up to the same sex parent for cues on how to act...

Define what you are seeking and focus on that instead of what you do not want. That way you can cull the one nights stands and casual prospects before you get emotionally invested and potentially hurt.

Next week I am going to the wedding of my forty year old friend from college who hated women and thought he would never find anyone. He found a little forty year old spitfire who had been waiting for a guy just like him but he had to reign in his anger and resentment over the wrong ones in order to secure the affections of the right one. Thankfully, I stay up late...we had some honest heart to hearts and he was surprised at how ugly and jaded his view had become. Most of it was due to some crazy exes and his messed up family.

There is a woman right now who is waiting for normal....she has had these same thoughts about men.... But she probably isn't a teen or a young adult just starting out in her own mistake laden journey.

Best,

Grumps

 

Awesome!

 

Will try to figure out where to meet 30ish types for this next round. Though that step sister is 32, there is probably a better chance of these older ones being more sure of what they want, anyway.

[dreamingoftigers]

Awesome!

 

Will try to figure out where to meet 30ish types for this next round. Though that step sister is 32, there is probably a better chance of these older ones being more sure of what they want, anyway.

 

They'll at least have established relationship patterns that you'll be able to pick up on.

 

If a 30-32 year old woman has had multiple "crazy exes" and things go nuclear for her, you get the idea......

[mtnbiker3000]

It is very scary out there!! Especially with social media. It's a haven for the weak and creates opportunity for the types of situations you have described.

 

Honestly, a part of me fears ending up right back here again, after another shot at it