MorbidFever Posted January 1, 2014 Share Posted January 1, 2014 I'm wondering if this is possible. I mean a real friendship, not one with sex involved or promises of a future together. About three weeks ago I had a slip up and broke my NC after reading exMM was still battling health issues. I genuinely reached out, because I care for him deeply. He responded and it was left at that. I received a message from him today wishing a happy new year. I responded the same and he wrote back he loves me. I haven't written back and not sure if I should. Here is my thought: I want to write back, maybe in time, and keep the line open for a friendship. Honestly, while I am over having a future with him, I do care and love him. We are both rather strange, and have talked before about how nobody has ever 'gotten' us before. I miss that and the surreal friendship connection we had. I never thought possible, but I have been really strong emotionally, so I believe I can continue to be strong and not fall back into planning a future again with him. Has anyone maintained a true friendship with their exMM? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 1, 2014 Share Posted January 1, 2014 All it'll be is an emotional affair. Ex's are ex's for a reason and the fact that your affair is over, no friendship can ever happen. It'll keep you into him, feeding your feelings and you'll become attached to him again naturally, and on his side, your friendship is dangerous and a cancer for his marriage, he'll still have to lie and hide you from his wife and family. You won't allow your heart to be open to other (single) men, and deep down you'll always have a bit of hope that your (ex)MM will divorce his wife and be with you someday. Friendships with ex AP's are not healthy. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 1, 2014 Share Posted January 1, 2014 True friendship? No. We were friends some years post-A and post our own open R but it always returned to a point of not being platonic. In my case, what even made the attempt at friendship possible was that he wasn't married and had broken up with his longterm gf. If he were married or even if he were still with her, us being friends when he cheated on her with me would have been terribly awkward and impossible. Being friends with a normal ex in a non-affair relationship is possible, although it takes time and many people with time don't crave to have that closeness anymore. But I think it is impossible/disrespectful for a married person who has remained married to now try to be "friends" with their exAP. Can you imagine your bf/husband cheating on you with a woman then a year later he's saying "Well we're only friends now" ???? That would be crazy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted January 1, 2014 Share Posted January 1, 2014 Men and women have different ideas of friendship. I haven't seen an ex-MM for 20 years. Yet, I called him a few years back to find out which private investigator he used to locate his birth family. Another friend wanted to find her birth mother. We talked that once, emailed additional information a couple of times and that was it. I do think you can use the ex-MM as resources, but if you mean can you email and talk on a regular basis, have lunch every once in a while? I'm leaning toward no, but it is possible if you both are dedicated to being platonic friends. But this means no romantic overtures and no hurt feelings if an overture is made and turned down. I think you have to be incredibly strong and determined to be friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Oldspiceywolf Posted January 1, 2014 Share Posted January 1, 2014 Nope! I tried, hadn't talked in a year, tried to be friends, met up for a drink and ended up making out in my car for an hour. Had to dodge her all weekend after that, she wanted me to come hang out with her brothers family for Fourth of July. It always goes back to an affair because that's what's so exciting about the other person 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lilmisscantbewrong Posted January 1, 2014 Share Posted January 1, 2014 I would like to think it might be possible in the future - that the wounds could all heal and things could be restored and repaired for everyone. However I am not expecting it will ever happen. A miracle would have to happen. So sad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MorbidFever Posted January 1, 2014 Author Share Posted January 1, 2014 Wow thanks for all the replies and insight. whichwayisup - I don't think it would be an emotional affair in the sense that we would ever talk about sexual things. I think all relationships are emotional, even with close friends. There are highs from those friendships and sometimes rough patches, but I still love them the same. I think women can be friends with men, even if they had a previous relationship. I don't mean a daily best friend thing. However, it seems from the responses so far, it's not something that either happens or continues as a true friendship. MissBee - That's the weird thing here. After DDay, she BW knew we maintained contact, not just being Facestalk friends, but we communicated by phone as well. I posted before about her reactions and I know she would let him do what he wanted. She did contact me once though and 'yelled' at me, but I just blocked her. Everyone, that you for the advice. I think I'm going to just let it go for now and not even see if it's something he's open to. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 1, 2014 Share Posted January 1, 2014 I would like to think it might be possible in the future - that the wounds could all heal and things could be restored and repaired for everyone. However I am not expecting it will ever happen. A miracle would have to happen. So sad. It's sad when you're just dealing with it, but I think almost every person wants to remain friends with an ex and always misses the friendship and almost like some drug addict feels like if they can just have a "little" of the person by being friends they will be fine....well...it usually doesn't work and the good news is that with time you usually grow to not really care if you're friends anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MorbidFever Posted January 1, 2014 Author Share Posted January 1, 2014 It's sad when you're just dealing with it, but I think almost every person wants to remain friends with an ex and always misses the friendship and almost like some drug addict feels like if they can just have a "little" of the person by being friends they will be fine....well...it usually doesn't work and the good news is that with time you usually grow to not really care if you're friends anymore. I wish that were true for me. I still miss my ex-husband after about 11 years and wish we were able to stay friends. We did, until I ended up meeting someone and he couldn't deal with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 1, 2014 Share Posted January 1, 2014 My xMM desperately wants to be friends, but I don't think it's wise, and I refuse. I know this hurts him but think it's playing with fire. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MorbidFever Posted January 1, 2014 Author Share Posted January 1, 2014 Popsicle - do you still communicate with him, even though there is no agree'd upon 'just friends'? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 1, 2014 Share Posted January 1, 2014 whichwayisup - I don't think it would be an emotional affair in the sense that we would ever talk about sexual things. I think all relationships are emotional, even with close friends. There are highs from those friendships and sometimes rough patches, but I still love them the same. I think women can be friends with men, even if they had a previous relationship. I don't mean a daily best friend thing. However, it seems from the responses so far, it's not something that either happens or continues as a true friendship. I'm not talking about it being sexual, I'm talking emotional. YOUR feelings will still be fed. Romantic emotional, not platonic emotional like you have with other friends that you're attached to and care about. You've invested in him intimately and your heart is in this. there's NO WAY a platonic and innocent friendship can happen between you two. It's wrong and selfish of him to even try that with you, re: his wife and family, his wife would NOT like the friendship one bit. If you were married and your H cheated on you, would you allow him to continue being friends and spend time with the exOW? My guess is no. You are comparing normal friendships vs affair partners. It's totally two different things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 1, 2014 Share Posted January 1, 2014 Popsicle - do you still communicate with him, even though there is no agree'd upon 'just friends'? No, not at all. (and yes I miss him dearly, but it gets a little easier every week) Link to post Share on other sites
Author MorbidFever Posted January 1, 2014 Author Share Posted January 1, 2014 I'm not talking about it being sexual, I'm talking emotional. YOUR feelings will still be fed. Romantic emotional, not platonic emotional like you have with other friends that you're attached to and care about. You've invested in him intimately and your heart is in this. there's NO WAY a platonic and innocent friendship can happen between you two. It's wrong and selfish of him to even try that with you, re: his wife and family, his wife would NOT like the friendship one bit. If you were married and your H cheated on you, would you allow him to continue being friends and spend time with the exOW? My guess is no. You are comparing normal friendships vs affair partners. It's totally two different things. She put up with it before. Would she again? I don't know. I guess what I meant is, if both are ok with it and can deal emotionally and not try to start up an intimate relationship. Is this possible and has it been done with anyone here. I know we have to protect our hearts. But, what if that means continuing a casual friendship, NO sex, just a friendship with someone you care about and love. Maybe protecting is not living with it broken, but having boundaries that work and be a part of someone's life you want to be a part of. Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 I couldn't do it. I tried, but I was too emotionally invested. It just perpetuated the pain and prolonged my healing. Link to post Share on other sites
vanellope Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 you can be real friend with your exMM only if you can also be the real friend with his wife, can you do that? I can't do this becasue it make me so low need to see them both in front of me and play as a good husband and wife. well, I think we might be friends in future only if one day I really have no any feelings for this person. Link to post Share on other sites
thecharade Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 Kind of. But, where I have accepted we are where we need to be, he is hurt that I am ABLE to be friends (and only friends). Crazy. NPD? Cake eater? Somewhat. I answer differently depending on my mood. If I needed him, I could absolutely count on him. Link to post Share on other sites
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