Fleminglkayla Posted January 1, 2014 Share Posted January 1, 2014 So my husband and I have been married for two years now. We have a lot of good things going for us. We struggle with conflict as he purposefully says really hurtful things. We have been working on this and he doesn't do that as much anymore. I am a counsellor so all the things...using I language, being vulnerable, showing tears not anger when you're hurt etc etc I do. I don't respond perfect all the time but I definitely am not doing hurtful things on purpose. When he is mad it doesn't matter what I say or anything, he is going to hurt me verbally. At one point I was so depleted I told him that I am not putting up with that anymore. So now we have an agreement to deal with that and it seems to be working...to take a pause and cool down when arguing. We have been doing well and he has never physically hurt me before. Last night, New Year's Eve, he was drunk, destroying property and his friends were trying to calm him down. He was mad he couldn't get his shoe on...so eventually I offered to help him and he was so drunk he couldn't keep his balance to push his foot into the shoe. So I stood up after trying to help him and he grabbed me hard...I have finger prints...bruises...on my arm...and then he shoved me to the ground, I have a big bruise on my butt, my hand and elbow are all scuffed up, and I have 10 other bruises on me including the finger marks...I ended up staying in and not going out. I cried myself to sleep on New Years and I am devastated by what he did. What do I do? I always swore if a man ever laid a hand on me like that it didn't matter who it was I would leave him...so now here I am and I don't want to. I am terrified though that it'll happen again but worse. How do I trust? What do I do? Sincerely, dazed and confused Link to post Share on other sites
Eggplant Posted January 1, 2014 Share Posted January 1, 2014 Talk to a counselor. I know you are a counselor, but you cannot be your own counselor. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted January 1, 2014 Share Posted January 1, 2014 You definitely need some time to process this in the first instance. Please don't be too quick to do anything at all. And yes, you need to speak to someone impartial. What is his reaction? What has his behaviour been like since? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted January 1, 2014 Share Posted January 1, 2014 Do what you said and get out. Do NOT put up with abuse. You need to get out of those surroundings and get some perspective. Photograph and describe the injuries with a witness. You don't have to do anything further but HE needs to know how serious this is. So do you. Then talk to an abuse counselor. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 1, 2014 Share Posted January 1, 2014 He needs to not drink ever again as he is one who can't handle his booze, it makes him change and become someone ugly and abusive. You need counseling, someone that you don't know in the field and learn to become strong enough so you can leave your husband. He has many issues other than his drinking and being married 2 years, he seems to not be the person he showed you he was at the beginning, men like that can't hide their true colours. He is mean to you when sober and emotionally abusive as well. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 What is his reaction? What has his behaviour been like since? Why does that matter ??? I'd guess his reaction will remorseful and he'll promise not to do it again. And that will last until he drinks and gets angry... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 Why does that matter ??? I'd guess his reaction will remorseful and he'll promise not to do it again. And that will last until he drinks and gets angry... Mr. Lucky Well, you can guess, but I'd quite like to know. It definitely does not always follow that formula. His behaviour now might elicit various responses from the OP. I'm wary of her choosing a path too soon just to bounce back the other way. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 Well, you can guess, but I'd quite like to know. It definitely does not always follow that formula. Understood but would you grant the odds are not in her favor this would be a one-time occurrence? I watched this same scenario play out over the years with my MIL and FIL. After the fact, no indicted Catholic priest was more contrite or remorseful than he. And that resolve would hold for months, years sometime, until the next episode. In common with the OP's incident was the presence of alcohol and the issues of anger management and poor coping skills. Fleminglkayla, I wouldn't stay unless he non-negotiably stopped drinking and started IC. No one should live in fear of physical abuse... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 I didn't suggest it would or wouldn't be a one-off. I was referring to your statement that he would be remorseful and make promises about the future. Often that's not how it plays out. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 He needs to not drink ever again as he is one who can't handle his booze, it makes him change and become someone ugly and abusive. This! If he doesn't agree to this and show extreme remorse and willingness to do anything to prove to you this won't happen again, I would not even consider staying with him. But you should know as a counselor that if he is a person who says hurtful things during arguments, that he views arguments as a "you vs. him" situation, rather than a "you and him working together to find a solution to an issue" situation, and that is difficult to change. I believe it will take commitment and hard work on his part to change the way he thinks, and if he isn't willing to put in that work, I would truly consider leaving him, outside of the shoving thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
silicone Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Why is everyone quick to throw the abuse card? He was very drunk, he was not in compos mentis. Link to post Share on other sites
angie2443 Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Why is everyone quick to throw the abuse card? He was very drunk, he was not in compos mentis. Not all drunks become abusive. Often, a person who yells and hits or does other abusive acts while drunk, is abusive while sober. The differance is that can be much more subtle in their abuse while sober. I'm not saying this to defend drunken behavior. I'm saying this as a warning to the OP that his actions while drunk could very well be an indicator of who he is inside. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 (edited) I recently found out that my ex-wife told people I pushed her across a room and into a shelf. What happened was she was in the processing of kicking my ass, lost her balance as she was going off, and fell back. I didn't know for a while that she had claimed to her family that I had shoved her. I wondered why they didnt listen to me when I voiced concern about her violence against me. Why would they? She had jumped the gun with first impressions and led them to believe the abuse was mutual. After learning more about abusers (especially those with BPD) I found out this is standard operation. It's called distortion campaign. She even attacked me in my sleep once and claimed that I actually kicked her when she jumped into my knee as I was laying down! Edited January 3, 2014 by M30USA Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 He was very drunk, he was not in compos mentis. Neither are drunk drivers. Still doesn't work very well as a defense or explanation... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
syz Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Neither are drunk drivers. Still doesn't work very well as a defense or explanation... Mr. Lucky Yes. I think his drunkenness just allowed what is there to come out more easily. He has a history of verbal abuse while sober. And now that it is being somewhat curtailed he has shoved you and bruised you. If he weren't abusive in other facets of your life together and he was really drunk and this happened I might be more willing to think it was due to the alcohol and incoherence why was he so bloody drunk before going out? He has issues and they are damaging to you. Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyLeigh1967 Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 So he was drunk? I guess if he killed her that would be excused too, because hey, he was drunk? Bull****. OP, call the police, and have him arrested. At the least leave his ass for awhile and get a counselor of your own and figure out why you feel that you have to tolerate abuse of any kind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
silicone Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Neither are drunk drivers. Still doesn't work very well as a defense or explanation... Mr. Lucky Drunk drivers have significantly greater mental capacity than a man who OP described as unable to put his shoes on. So he was drunk? I guess if he killed her that would be excused too, because hey, he was drunk? Bull****. OP, call the police, and have him arrested. At the least leave his ass for awhile and get a counselor of your own and figure out why you feel that you have to tolerate abuse of any kind. I never said it was OK, however, to hastily throw the abuse card is nothing short of disrespectful to victims of abuse. Link to post Share on other sites
Debanked Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 He was so drunk he didn't realize anyone was even trying to help him and reacted violently to whoever was around. The anger and actions were not directed specifically at you. He is lucky he did not end up with his ass kicked or in jail that night. Take some time to process it and in talking to him, let him know that drinking to extremes (even on New Year's Eve) is not allowed. You might consider a "get out of jail free" card on this as a lesson learned. He found his limit / found the line. Lastly, he owes you and everyone else at the party a big apology. Sorry you had to go through that. Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyLeigh1967 Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 That is not an abuse card. That is abuse. Plain and simple. Being drunk does not excuse it. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 I never said it was OK, however, to hastily throw the abuse card is nothing short of disrespectful to victims of abuse. And excusing abuse based on alcohol consumption honors them? Drunk drivers have significantly greater mental capacity than a man who OP described as unable to put his shoes on. You're either misinformed or haven't been to accident scenes... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
rumbleseat Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 If I were in your shoes, I'd take a few days away to myself to think about what happened and process what it all means. Can you (or he) stay in a hotel for a few nights? While you're doing this, listen to your gut instinct. What is it telling you? Does he drink like this a lot and then act poorly and use alcohol as an excuse? Does this seem like a one time only thing? Do you feel that you can trust him to never act like this again? I would also talk to a counsellor who you have no relationship, either personal or professional with. Get their input and see if it meshes with what your gut instinct is telling you. You may well find that they tell you the same thing. Link to post Share on other sites
rosedl Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 If he aims to hurt you in fights, he aims to HURT you He has emotionally attacked you. Now, he has physically attacked you. I have been in abusive relationships. One for over a decade. He only physically went after me once in all that time, but he was a bastard. Manipulative and abusive. And, yeah, it did slowly get better after a long time, but the relationship was destroyed and better doesn't mean fixed. He still was a bastard just less of a bastard. Walk. I know that is easier said then done. No judgement from over here if you don't decide to leave. I stayed in relationships I should have left. If you are with a man who aims to hurt you on purpose, you are in a abusive relationship. And, you have to go from there. soo soo sorry this has happened to you Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 What is his reaction? What has his behaviour been like since? Why does that matter ??? Because it paints the big picture of what the OP is dealing with, and it may help us to support her if we know what kind of a reaction he is displaying, and which she is having to respond to. More info may help. I never said it was OK, however, to hastily throw the abuse card is nothing short of disrespectful to victims of abuse. Because I think perspective is useful here, are you speaking as one of them, or do you presume to speak on behalf of them? Link to post Share on other sites
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