US...

[Shanti]

question: I married my husband almost 4 years ago-we hadn´t been going out

 

for more than 6 months. Of course, in retrospect i realize there were a lot

 

of things we may not have taken the time to find out about each other, which

 

turned out to be a big mistake. We have a daughter(3 years),it was planned

 

because my husband really wanted a child.I am 27-he 25.After some time he

 

expressed certain wishes, like that he would like to experience a threesome

 

etc.That wasn´t for me, and then he also expressed that being monogamous was

 

not really something he saw as the most important thing in the world.I told

 

him how much it would hurt me if he did something.Time went by and i noticed

 

how importantmarijuana, and partying about three times a week all night was

 

to him.I sterted getting really depressed-he wasn´t helping me outmuch

 

either.Distrust became a big issue-what to think when your partner has

 

expressed a liberal view in relationships and staying out all night long.He

 

had also stat!

 

ed in the past that he could not make a true promise that he woould never be

 

with anyone else.After several little breaks, I finally tod him I can´t try

 

any more.I started seeing someone else-he now found out and desperately

 

wants to try to make it work. He says the problems he sees with me is that i

 

was never supportive of him and his goals, and that I never took initiative

 

with sex.I am so confused-is it really worth going through th pain again.

 

He admitted to me that he kissed a girl once, and that there were a couple

 

of times where, had the opportunity come, he would have probably slept with

 

other people.There are stories of infidelity with his parents-maybe

 

closeness is uncomfortable to him, maybe the marijuana is clouding his

 

judgment. I just know I am in desperate need of some advice. I don´t wanrt

 

to spend lonely nights at home anymore, worrying about what he is doing.

 

The person I met shares the same value system as me-it too soon to make it

 

serious-I know that-but do you think I should give it one last shot with my

 

husband??

 

I will be so appreciative of your help

[Tony T]

File for divorce TODAY...I mean now...sign off the computer and go to see an attorney.

 

Your husband is totally incompatible with you. Now he's only 50% to blame. You have to take half the responsiblity for this because you didn't take the time to find these things out. Did you ever think to sit and talk a few hours a week for a few months before you got married...asking him how he felt about such important issues?

 

He is greatly to blame for not disclosing these issues. But if he is not smart enough to know you needed to be advised that he could not be faithful, that he liked threesomes, he loved marijuana, etc., then he is just plain too stupid to be your husband.

 

His is reacting now to the rejection but this is just a lot of fake crap. He has not changed and he may never, although many stop smoking grass when they get a bit more mature. Adultery, on the other hand, and sexual deviations usually get worse.

 

Now, you rushed in to this marriage, you had a kid and you got yourself in a lot of sticky trouble. I don't recommend that you rush right out and get involved with someone else who may look real good on the face of it. Everybody is compatible in the beginning because they do what is called "mirroring." They mirror or mimic your feelings and actions to appear in total agreement and complete compatibility with you. They say or do whatever is necessary that they feel will impress you or make it seem like a good situation. This is simply part of the process of homo sapien procreation. In the animal kingdom, every member has a way of tricking the opposite sex in someway into mating. It's not their fault. It's just one of those biological processes.

 

Now, as humans, we usually just don't mate and go our merry way. We settle down, usually willingly, with the person we choose. So there's a social situation attendent to the mating process. So you need to be around this new guy, or any guy, a sufficient time for him to drop his mating ritual of winning your heart...to just being himself.

 

Once he's himself, say in a year or two, and he is still kind, considerate, thoughtful, etc...then by all means make it permanent. But pay attention to hints and detail. It's always a good idea to take a hard look at his family of origin and see what that was like...how the parents got along, etc....and to drop little questions to his friends here and there to see if he behaves certain ways, good or bad, all the time.

 

This guy you married is the pitts. Get away from him as fast as you can or he will make your life a living hell. As screwed up as he is, he's probably going to give you a hard time and your safety could be in danger. You may not have seen this side of him yet. Be very cautious in leaving him and take every precaution possible for the safety of yourself and your child. I promise you, he's got a lot of anger inside of him...and he's screwed up otherwise to boot. This is a dangerous combination and one you need to be rid of.

[Shanti]

Hey Tony,

 

I knew i could count on some good advice from you Tony-everyone around me have been saying the exact same-and I was sure about my decision till he came begging me that he would change.'

 

You are so right-i mean if he hasn´t changed in 4 years, despite my expressing to him how hurt iI have been feeling-then why would he change now...

 

It is probably just that he never thought things would actually think it´s over. besides, finding out that he kissed someone and almost did other things is too much for me to handle. Little things, but he has already expressed to me how lightly he feels about these matters, so why not do it again??

 

Maybe we could eventually be great friends, because he´s not a bad person-I just don´t thibnk he understands what it means to show true respect in a relationship. True-it was my fault for not finding out-and yes it does take a long time to know someone.

 

So, you really don´t believe in change Tony-not even if we go to counselling??I just want to be sure, so I don´t make the biggest mistake of my life, when it could have been good for our daughter.

 

The smoking will never end though-I am pretty certain of that. To him it´s like cigarrettes. He´s totally addicted...Probably makes him indifferent to other peoples´feelings.

 

So, my last question is:

 

Are you absolutely certain that this relationship is doomed?

 

I know i can´t change my views about infidelity etc. I am just a more traditional kind of girl.

 

Please answer me one more time Tony.

 

Thank you soooo much!

 

question: I married my husband almost 4 years ago-we hadn´t been going out for more than 6 months. Of course, in retrospect i realize there were a lot of things we may not have taken the time to find out about each other, which turned out to be a big mistake. We have a daughter(3 years),it was planned because my husband really wanted a child.I am 27-he 25.After some time he expressed certain wishes, like that he would like to experience a threesome etc.That wasn´t for me, and then he also expressed that being monogamous was not really something he saw as the most important thing in the world.I told him how much it would hurt me if he did something.Time went by and i noticed how importantmarijuana, and partying about three times a week all night was to him.I sterted getting really depressed-he wasn´t helping me outmuch either.Distrust became a big issue-what to think when your partner has expressed a liberal view in relationships and staying out all night long.He had also stat! ed in the past that he could not make a true promise that he woould never be with anyone else.After several little breaks, I finally tod him I can´t try any more.I started seeing someone else-he now found out and desperately wants to try to make it work. He says the problems he sees with me is that i was never supportive of him and his goals, and that I never took initiative with sex.I am so confused-is it really worth going through th pain again. He admitted to me that he kissed a girl once, and that there were a couple of times where, had the opportunity come, he would have probably slept with other people.There are stories of infidelity with his parents-maybe closeness is uncomfortable to him, maybe the marijuana is clouding his judgment. I just know I am in desperate need of some advice. I don´t wanrt to spend lonely nights at home anymore, worrying about what he is doing. The person I met shares the same value system as me-it too soon to make it serious-I know that-but do you think I should give it one last shot with my husband?? I will be so appreciative of your help

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "So, you really don´t believe in change Tony-not even if we go to counselling??"

 

Well, I very definitely believe people do win the lottery, when they get all six balls with the correct numbers. The odds are 1 in 14 to 21 million, depending on the number spread. And I do really believe in the tooth fairy. I have silver dollars to absolutely prove losing your teeth is profitable.

 

Yes, I believe in change and I believe the odds are better than those of winning the lottery. But if you've been in a relationship for a period of time and things don't get better, that means the person's behavior is serving them well in some way and they aren't really motivated to change. There has to be a reason to change. If I am overweight and the doctor tells me I will die from that, I have motivation to diet. On the other hand, I am very motivated to stay fat because I love deserts, etc.

 

YOU ALSO ASK: "Are you absolutely certain that this relationship is doomed?"

 

You are the one who can most accurately answer that...and you can't even really be totally sure. For me, as I have gotten older I have become less certain about anything.

 

If you have doubts, if you are hesitant about leaving, by all means seek counselling and give yourself a definite deadline to see some dramatic change. Then pray every day it continues and will be permanent.

 

I prefer to have things in my life that don't need major repairs. A little tuning here and there is fine. But you're situation is remarkably awful. But it's your life and you are the one who has to be totally comfortable with your decision. I'm not going to tell you what to do. But you already know what I would do in your situation.

[The looser husband....]

Yeah. I tried sending an e-mail before but lost what I was writing, so this is not the truest expression of what I have to say but I´ll try to get my point accross. I am Shanti´s husband, the one you called the pits. The person who you recommended she drop everything she was doing and divorce immideatly. You should be ashamed of yourself. How dear you think that after only a few hundred words in an e-mail you have enough information to dish out that kind of advice. I´m willing to bet you have no training what so ever in dealing with situation or any common sense for that matter. If you did you would realise that you are getting such a tiny piece of the big picture from a person who is in a very immotional state. What Shanti forgot to mention is that in the begining of our relationship she expressed a desire to try some of the things you refured to as being "sexually deviant"(sexually deviant what the ##### does that really mean). It was only after sometime when we became closer or when she says she fell in love that she realized she wasn´t comfortable with some of these things anymore. She smokes pot ocassionally (started before she met me) also does that mean she is also immature, as you tried to insinuate I was for doing that. I didn´t change since we´ve been together. I loved her from the first time I got to know her and all the bulls*** that we´ve had to deal with have made us stronger. I´ve been working alot the last year often at strange hours. This has caused alot of stress between us. She has been looking to other people to talk to and some of these people are not very good sources of advice. Infact one of her main advisers at the moment in a 20 year old girl who is so unbearably querky, she is consistantly used and then dicarded by men (think she has biosis?). We are not regular people her and I. We have created this story book romance which could take us to extra ordinary hights. Its when we are confused and distracted by people who desire to be average, with your self ritious definitions of the way things should be that we begin to loose focus of this great adventure we are on. Look I am not the best person in the world I have f***ed up from time to time. I´m not blaming anyone for my mistakes but I am good for her. When she told me she was seeing some one else it wasn´t just that which bothered me. This person she´s seeing was in the picture before we broke up. I found a message he had sent to but she swore up and down there was nothing going on. To me it seemed she was lying. Throughout our relationship I never questioned her loyalty but since we´ve been talking I found out she might have cheated on me before even when things were relatively good. I felt sorry... Sorry for not giving her the assurance she needed to keep her from degrading herself being a one night stand. I felt sorry that in the almost four years we were together I didn´t pass along enough of my values so she would know that even if she was going to ##### someone else she wouldn´t do it in our house, in our bed, even after we were broken up. It wasn´t only jealiousy, we were still having sex I could have her anytime I wanted. I just feel as if she hasn´t learned anything since we´ve been together and I sorry about that. So sorry that I am willing to change but why am I telling you this. I could care less what you have to say. I just think you should choose your words more wisely because some poeple might actually listen to your crap . To say to a person who is in a highly immotional state that their situation is "remarkably awful" is not only irresponsible it is also remarkably stupid. People have ended their lives because they felt they were in that kind of situation. Think about that the next time some house wife discribes a situation you feel doesn´t fit into your definition of the way thing are supposed to be.........

[Tony T]

The only thing we can base our advice on is the material contained in posts. We are not mindreaders and assume that a person gives all relevant information in order to get the best advice.

 

If you do not have enough faith in your lady to weigh any advice given her in the context of her perspective of the total situation, I hope you will work on that.

 

I don't think any sane person who feels he or she should remain in a relationship would leave it just because some strange and annonymous person on the Internet told them to do so.

 

While I appreciate your reply, I have to have faith in posters that they will give all relevant information. But I also understand that there are those who post only that which will serve to get them the response they seek.

 

You still have a serious problem with your lady as evidenced by the fact that she directed you to this post. If things were OK, I really don't think she would have done that.

 

I pray things work out for you.