How do I let go of the anger towards her?

[somedude81]

I've said before that I can relate to certain things about you. As much as I hate the douche that used to be in my life, I feel that way because he messed with my head - he was mean, and a lot of the anger I've felt towards him, has been anger that I actually feel towards myself, for not being able to handle it, and not sticking to what I really knew I should do, and staying away from him.

That really sucks that you were treated so poorly.

 

 

Your ex is young - very young, compared to yourself. Even though I have been in a similar mess relationship-wise (as in, hardly having any experience), I can't imagine being involved with someone that much younger than me. You say that you wanted to be involved with her for another year or so, just to experience life that way, but that isn't fair to her - she has her own wants and needs, she obviously felt that you two weren't compatible in the long run. She might want to know what it's like to be single for a while. She also might be looking for someone who doesn't want an open-ended relationship with her. A man who has plans, that don't only involve sex, and having somebody there - as someone else said, it isn't fair to hate her, if you weren't thinking about marriage and making plans in that direction.

 

She didn't mess with your head, she was actually with you, and doesn't deny things the way the douche did with me. I hope that you get over your anger towards her soon; I really think that it's more anger towards yourself. I still carry resentment towards that guy, and it's unhealthy. I keep running across men my own age, who don't want to date women our age - they want someone younger, just as you do, so you can't blame her for moving on, as young as she is, when it seems she has the best chance of finding someone more compatible with her now. She doesn't want her time wasted, either.

Hmm, your post is pretty much the opposite of Mrlonelyone.

 

I really don't see myself dating her for a couple of years as wasting her time at all. She's only 21 years old and is absolutely not ready to get married or have kids. I can't imagine her having kids before 25.

 

It would have been completely feasible for her to date me until she was 23. Then be single for a year and then have another long term relationship with somebody who ends up being the man she'll marry.

 

Honestly speaking, I'm the one who doesn't have time to waste. The way things are working out, I don't know if I'll get married before I'm 35. I'll be lucky if I have a kid before I turn 40.

 

What I need to do is be in a few long term relationships and see what different women are like. Ideally I'd like to have two or three LTR's that last more than a year and then find somebody I'll settle down with. But because of my age, that really doesn't seem possible. I really don't want to marry somebody that I'm not very compatible with.

 

Thankfully I was with my ex long enough for her to become the bar that I will compare future women to.

[xxoo]

I really don't see myself dating her for a couple of years as wasting her time at all. She's only 21 years old and is absolutely not ready to get married or have kids. I can't imagine her having kids before 25.

 

It would have been completely feasible for her to date me until she was 23. Then be single for a year and then have another long term relationship with somebody who ends up being the man she'll marry.

 

SD, if she stayed with you for years, she'd likely only do that if she were in love and very attached. And then she'd probably be thinking of a future together, whether it is rational to you or not. Your future outlines make sense to you, but sounds painful to me (suffering a break up after a couple years together).

 

So for her, breaking up at this point was probably a wise move.

 

Either she realized she wasn't in love, and thus it was time to end it (should know by 6 months). Or she realized she did have feelings, but there was no future. Either way, ending it at 6 months would be smart.

Edited January 11, 2014 by xxoo

[somedude81]

SD, if she stayed with you for years, she'd likely only do that if she were in love and very attached. And then she'd probably be thinking of a future together, whether it is rational to you or not. Your future outlines make sense to you, but sounds painful to me (suffering a break up after a couple years together).

In all honesty, I'm just trying to guess what makes most sense to me. The only thing that I know is that I want to see what it's like to be with a woman for a long time, and that I should have been in a couple of multi-year LTR's by now.

 

As for the break up being painful and suffering, look at things from my point of view. My first GF was single for a month and a half after being with a guy for three years before we got together and she didn't seem like she was suffering at all.

 

Obviously, her just getting out of such a long relationship most likely affected her in ways that I'll never know, and was probably a key factor in her breaking up with me.

 

Add that to the fact that I am suffering from a break up of a relationship that only lasted six months, tells me that it's not the time that affects how much one is hurt, but how the relationship was ended.

 

Either she realized she wasn't in love, and thus it was time to end it (should know by 6 months). Or she realized she did have feelings, but there was no future. Either way, ending it at 6 months would be smart.

It was most definitely the first one. She told me that she felt she should have been in love with me by the six month mark and because she wasn't she ended it.

 

I do not agree that somebody should know that they are in love at six months. I liked her very much and yet I wasn't even sure if I was in love with her at that point. IMO ending a relationship because you aren't sure if you are in love yet is absolute BS. If she was going to put an arbitrary time limit on the life of the relationship then she should have told me from the start

[xxoo]

I do not agree that somebody should know that they are in love at six months. I liked her very much and yet I wasn't even sure if I was in love with her at that point. IMO ending a relationship because you aren't sure if you are in love yet is absolute BS. If she was going to put an arbitrary time limit on the life of the relationship then she should have told me from the start

 

But she was your first relationship. Most adults do know by 6 months if love is developing, or if it is not. This isn't something one adult should need to tell the other from the start.

 

Also realize that, as the new relationship rush wears off, her interest will fall if love isn't there to take its place. This usually happens within 2 months to 2 years, depending on how long the "honeymoon stage" lasts. So if she hadn't fallen in love, and the new relationship hormones were wearing off, she just wouldn't be interested in being in the relationship anymore.

[whichwayisup]

you're inexperienced, that is all. As time goes on you'll learn how to 'be' in a relationship and have a good balance of showing affection and having space from each other. Seems she found you suffocating and too much too handle at times, it put her off a bit.

 

Anyway, try to focus your anger and resentment into something positive. Keep busy and just know that there are plenty of other great women out there and you'll find one when the timing is right.

 

You're cool somedude.

[somedude81]

But she was your first relationship. Most adults do know by 6 months if love is developing, or if it is not. This isn't something one adult should need to tell the other from the start.

 

Also realize that, as the new relationship rush wears off, her interest will fall if love isn't there to take its place. This usually happens within 2 months to 2 years, depending on how long the "honeymoon stage" lasts. So if she hadn't fallen in love, and the new relationship hormones were wearing off, she just wouldn't be interested in being in the relationship anymore.

What really bugs me is that I felt that she was falling in love with me. Things were continually progressing. I had no doubt in my mind that she liked me a lot. Which is why I was and still am shocked that it suddenly ended.

 

I've been on this forum and read tons of stories about relationships. Usually there are some signs that a relationship is ending and/or one person is losing interests and absolutely none of those signs applies to my relationship. Hell, we had sex the last night we were together and it's not like I had to coax her into it either. Then when I come back from a week long trip she breaks up with me. That doesn't make any sense.

 

The only conclusions that I can come to is that she didn't like me as much as I thought she did (which seems really strange because she did a lot for me) or her she liked me a lot and her feelings literally died over night.

 

Both seem goofy as hell.

[whichwayisup]

All the more reason then to just think she really wasn't the right one for you. If she was, she'd be more patient, communicate more with you, be understanding that she was your first real relationship and kind of give you some rope and leeway to make a few mistakes without holding it against you.

 

Unfortunately, chances are she decided a while ago to break up with you but just didn't let you know. She detached along the way and when felt the time was right, she ended it.

 

I hope soon you forgive her and find peace. Having bitterness and resentment in your heart is not good emotionally or physically for you. in the near future, quietly wish her well in your mind and poof! let go of it all.

[somedude81]

All the more reason then to just think she really wasn't the right one for you. If she was, she'd be more patient, communicate more with you, be understanding that she was your first real relationship and kind of give you some rope and leeway to make a few mistakes without holding it against you.

My thoughts exactly. And it really seemed she was like that, then she just changed.

 

Unfortunately, chances are she decided a while ago to break up with you but just didn't let you know. She detached along the way and when felt the time was right, she ended it.

 

I hope soon you forgive her and find peace. Having bitterness and resentment in your heart is not good emotionally or physically for you. in the near future, quietly wish her well in your mind and poof! let go of it all.

I don't know if I can forgive her.

 

She was the most important person in my life and she hurt me more than anybody else has.

 

I feel that I'm going back and forth between love and hate with her. I don't know whether I want to make passionate love to her, or punch her in the face.

 

The main feeling that I have about her right now is that she wronged me and completely fu*ked up.

[somedude81]

A couple of weeks ago I talked to my grandmother about what happened. She knows of my relationship history, or lack thereof, and that this girl was my first GF. Something she said really stuck out to me.

 

She said I need some time to "play the field."

 

Probably the best way to get over my ex, is to start dating and sleeping with other women. Eventually there should come a point where I just stop caring about her.

 

Maybe I should just be having flings for a while?

[lollipopspot]

The only thing that I know is that I want to see what it's like to be with a woman for a long time, and that I should have been in a couple of multi-year LTR's by now.

 

Here's a problem: there isn't a SHOULD about this. People are in the relationships that they're in. That's all. People SHOULDN'T have a certain number of relationships, or get married, or anything else. Could/would/should: it's a trap that you've fallen into, about dating, and your education. You're where you are, and that's fine.

 

The main feeling that I have about her right now is that she wronged me and completely fu*ked up.

 

This is another problem I notice with your thinking: people have their own lives to live, and sometimes it doesn't mesh with what you want. It's not WRONG that she broke up with you. She didn't do it all that badly, especially considering her age. I think feeling wronged keeps the negative energy going. Maybe try to think more neutrally about it. For whatever reason, it didn't work out, it ended, and now you can both move on to something different.

[Els]

A couple of weeks ago I talked to my grandmother about what happened. She knows of my relationship history, or lack thereof, and that this girl was my first GF. Something she said really stuck out to me.

 

She said I need some time to "play the field."

 

Probably the best way to get over my ex, is to start dating and sleeping with other women. Eventually there should come a point where I just stop caring about her.

 

Maybe I should just be having flings for a while?

 

If you aren't ready to settle down (ie, you want to date multiple women first), flings would definitely be the better idea, yes. At least that way things are out in the open, both of you know it's not going to last.

 

Personally, even when I was your ex's age or younger, I could not imagine being in a relationship with someone while already intending to date a few others before I settle down. In my mind, I was hoping for the one I was with to be 'it'. I naively thought I would end up with the guy I was with at 19. Obviously that did not ultimately work out, but that was my intention/hope at the time. Not saying this is necessarily how your ex thought but IMO it is quite common for young women to think that way.

[MidwestUSA]

If she was going to put an arbitrary time limit on the life of the relationship then she should have told me from the start

 

Did you tell her you were prepared to end it at the one year mark? Do you not even see the hypocrisy here?

[xxoo]

It sounds like you are struggling with loss of control over the relationship, and wanting it to be a ship you can predictably steer. And relationships (and people) just aren't like that.

 

If you want more predictability, you need to open up and communicate more. Assumptions are often misleading. Assumptions about things that really matter to you are misguided.

 

And yes, if you are planning to have a few gfs before you settle down, please go for flings and not relationships.

[somedude81]

Here's a problem: there isn't a SHOULD about this. People are in the relationships that they're in. That's all. People SHOULDN'T have a certain number of relationships, or get married, or anything else. Could/would/should: it's a trap that you've fallen into, about dating, and your education. You're where you are, and that's fine.

You have to realize that it's simply not the norm for one to get their first relationship in their 30's. It's usually a sign that there is something developmentally wrong with them. And there is no way that I'm going to believe that there is nothing wrong with me.

 

I have some serious issues with depression and self-esteem. Yes I have been in therapy for years to work on my issues.

 

This is another problem I notice with your thinking: people have their own lives to live, and sometimes it doesn't mesh with what you want. It's not WRONG that she broke up with you. She didn't do it all that badly, especially considering her age.

I'd give her a D for how she handled the break up and the aftermath.

 

It is not wrong that she broke up with me, but it was wrong that she suddenly sprang it on me and was unwilling to talk about anything that was bothering her or to try and save the relationship. We were a team and she just suddenly quit.

I think feeling wronged keeps the negative energy going. Maybe try to think more neutrally about it. For whatever reason, it didn't work out, it ended, and now you can both move on to something different.

You are right.

 

Feeling that she wronged me does keep the negative energy going and keeps me mad at her. Being constantly mad at her gives me a headache and that's a pain.

 

I know I need to move on, but how to do it is the hard part. Usually it's taken me a long time to get over girls I've liked, and this is the first girl I have to get over that I was actually in a relationship with. I don't really know how to get over her.

[somedude81]

Personally, even when I was your ex's age or younger, I could not imagine being in a relationship with someone while already intending to date a few others before I settle down. In my mind, I was hoping for the one I was with to be 'it'. I naively thought I would end up with the guy I was with at 19. Obviously that did not ultimately work out, but that was my intention/hope at the time. Not saying this is necessarily how your ex thought but IMO it is quite common for young women to think that way.

I can't get over the impression that she left me because she felt that I was ready to settle down.

 

Something just tells me that she freaked out when she thought I was planning a future with her.

 

As for her, she never really gave me the impression that she wanted to marry and have kids with me. I always felt that she was going to move on to a new guy once she was done with nursing school. Her language often suggested that I wasn't her last stop.

 

If you want more predictability, you need to open up and communicate more. Assumptions are often misleading. Assumptions about things that really matter to you are misguided.

I think we did assume several things about the other, but I don't know if that was wrong.

 

I've mentioned this several times on this forum.

 

She was my first GF, we had only been dating for six months, she was 21 and starting nursing school, I was still in college; did it make sense to talk about what we wanted to do in five years, if we were going to get married?

 

My thinking was, I finally found a girl I like who likes me back and we have a lot of fun together and are very compatible. I want things to stay the way they are for a long time. Because of my life experiences, and being a bit pessimistic, I was not foolish to believe that we would have been together forever.

 

It sounds like you are struggling with loss of control over the relationship, and wanting it to be a ship you can predictably steer. And relationships (and people) just aren't like that.

It's not that I wanted to control the ship, I just that didn't want to crash into the rocks.

 

This outcome was one of the worst that could have happened to me. Yes breaking up over text, cheating on me, or pulling a fade would have been worse, but what happened to me still feels very bad.

 

I absolutely wish I had the opportunity to talk to her about the relationship. It hurts so much that she wasn't willing to work on it with me.

 

It also really bugs me that she was willing to stick it out with the guy before me for so long when he was rude, didn't respect her and generally very needy. I was trying really hard to show that I was a better boyfriend than her ex, and she dumps me in record time.

 

She said that her ex thought she was fat, I called her perfect, and she leaves me because I liked her too much

[xxoo]

It is not wrong that she broke up with me, but it was wrong that she suddenly sprang it on me and was unwilling to talk about anything that was bothering her or to try and save the relationship. We were a team and she just suddenly quit.

 

This isn't uncommon in less than serious relationships. For a lot of people, when they feel they are done, they're done.

 

Had you had any serious talks about your relationship, your feelings, and your future?

[xxoo]

She was my first GF, we had only been dating for six months, she was 21 and starting nursing school, I was still in college; did it make sense to talk about what we wanted to do in five years, if we were going to get married?

 

Yes, if you felt strong connection to each other. It's all just hopes and dreams at that point, but it's sharing hopes and dreams.

 

On the flip side of the coin, if you were only together 6 months, and had all these reasons you wouldn't be together forever, and you never talked about a future, why would you expect her to work on the relationship with you?

 

You can't have it both ways. If it was serious, then you should have been expressing that. If it wasn't serious, then you can't blame her for being detached.

[Els]

I can't get over the impression that she left me because she felt that I was ready to settle down.

 

Something just tells me that she freaked out when she thought I was planning a future with her.

 

As for her, she never really gave me the impression that she wanted to marry and have kids with me. I always felt that she was going to move on to a new guy once she was done with nursing school. Her language often suggested that I wasn't her last stop.

 

Well, we don't really know - you seem to be half and half on this, first suggesting that she's a long-term kind of girl and next suggesting she isn't. But it doesn't matter, ultimately. The lesson is, just be honest and forthcoming about what you want from a relationship. Communicate about it. That prevents misunderstandings (like what you think might have happened with her false assumptions), and also is fair to both parties.

 

Let girls know explicitly that you plan to date around before settling down.

[somedude81]

This isn't uncommon in less than serious relationships. For a lot of people, when they feel they are done, they're done.

 

Had you had any serious talks about your relationship, your feelings, and your future?

I know she wants to be a nurse. Get married, have kids.

 

She knows I want to work in IT, get married. Never really talked about me wanting kids.

 

We never actually talked about the relationship itself. I didn't know that we should have.

 

Well, we don't really know - you seem to be half and half on this, first suggesting that she's a long-term kind of girl and next suggesting she isn't. But it doesn't matter, ultimately. The lesson is, just be honest and forthcoming about what you want from a relationship. Communicate about it. That prevents misunderstandings (like what you think might have happened with her false assumptions), and also is fair to both parties.

 

Let girls know explicitly that you plan to date around before settling down.

She is the long-term kind of girl, that's why the break up and the things she said to me during that talk didn't make any sense. It's like she became a different person. I felt like she was contradicting herself.

 

Both of us knew that the relationshop was supposed to last a long time. If she knew it was going to end after six months, she would have never dated me. There is just no way.

[Els]

 

She is the long-term kind of girl, that's why the break up and the things she said to me during that talk didn't make any sense. It's like she became a different person. I felt like she was contradicting herself.

 

Both of us knew that the relationshop was supposed to last a long time. If she knew it was going to end after six months, she would have never dated me. There is just no way.

 

I don't know what she was or wasn't thinking. But moving forward, it is perhaps good to know that conversations about what your intentions and hopes are would be best conducted before 6 months. Go and have flings if your intention is to date around before marriage. Be honest about it. You will be surprised what opportunities turn up when you have the conviction to go for what you want directly.