my xMM...traits. was I right to let him go and closed doors for good?

[nicepuzzle]

1. He always called me same day to see me and kept NC in between

2. Never said when he was seeing me next

3. Never took me for dinner date

4. Minimal text. Only reply when I texted or emailed. Never initiated.

5. Never wished Christmas, birthdays or holiday s

6. Distanced himself when I got emotional and asked questions without explaination.

8. Last one to call when I had a death in family. He was the first one I called

9. When I called, kept conversation short and to the point

10. Had rumors with coworkers and secretaries.

11. Made me close to everyone in the family including wife. A family friend

 

However, when came to see me, held me for hours being emotional and teary...and the only person who ever loved me was him.

 

I walked away, moved on with my life on good terms. Did NC success fully for 6 years and he came back.

 

1. See in hotel rooms once in a while.

2. NC in between.

3. Minimal contacts through twxts and email and only when we meet.

4. Cry and emotional and declare love and intensity when we meet and all the rules above.

5. When I questioned his love and other women, no explanation and go NC again...

 

All you MM out there...what do u think he was doing? I havw finished with him for good and taught him a good lesson. But was he a crazy person or way too smart. And yes I fell in love with him since when he was with me, I never experienced such intensity of emotions.

 

I am NC for 9 months and doing very well but sometimes I get mixed emotions and question a lot of things. I never wanted tbe A but when he implied that his wife cheated and bore a child from her lover, my heart went out for him. He said he is there with her for children and was sacrificing and had 2 more kids from him while continuing cheating and saying he feels guilty.

[whichwayisup]

was I right to let him go and closed doors for good?

 

One word... YES!

 

You've got 9 months of NC under your belt, please do NOT question it. Be happy that the A is over. You deserve so much better than what he was offering you.

[nicepuzzle]

One word... YES!

 

You've got 9 months of NC under your belt, please do NOT question it. Be happy that the A is over. You deserve so much better than what he was offering you.

 

But what was he doing and what was wrong with me to take all that and loved him with heart and soul. .

[vanellope]

But what was he doing and what was wrong with me to take all that and loved him with heart and soul. .

 

I always asked myself this question too.

 

why you fall in love sometimes cannot be explained, although your brain telling you he is not the right one for you.

 

we would like or admire a person, if there is something on him which attract us, but we only would love a person truly if we can feel the same genuine love from them, the love with trust and loyal.

 

I did love a MM very much with my heart, but one day when I realized how he treat me back, I feel suddenly this kind of feeling is away, trust for him is away too. I might still think he is attractive but I don't feel I love him as much as i did before. He is just another normal man in the world, nothing special. And I don't love the person who hurt me so much.

[nicepuzzle]

I always asked myself this question too.

 

why you fall in love sometimes cannot be explained, although your brain telling you he is not the right one for you.

 

we would like or admire a person, if there is something on him which attract us, but we only would love a person truly if we can feel the same genuine love from them, the love with trust and loyal.

 

I did love a MM very much with my heart, but one day when I realized how he treat me back, I feel suddenly this kind of feeling is away, trust for him is away too. I might still think he is attractive but I don't feel I love him as much as i did before. He is just another normal man in the world, nothing special. And I don't love the person who hurt me so much.

 

I still go back and forth with feelings because deep inside I know np matter how he treated me he loved me and noone else ever made me feel the way he did. He made me feel the taste of love...but in second round I couldn't do it. I saud no to his treatment even though I still loved him

[nicepuzzle]

I also realized that he treated me bad because he felt guilty and it made him feel better that he went back to his family and they were special. It was like he was using me so he can feel guilty and can feel better on not breaking his family. However, on the other hand he said he was lonely and wife broke his heart.

 

I thought it was better for him to stay with his wife so I told her everything and asked him to fix his marriage.

 

I didn't need to be his guilt punching bag. But I do agree revenge is not a good thing. He didnt even bother to stop me from not telling her and basically told me I can tell if rhats what I wanted to do. He didnt respect me or her.

[vanellope]

I find out that MM also seems more caring, romantic, and give us sooo intensive love compared with single men. but it's just becasue if they don't do this, they cannot get what that want from us.

 

think this, how a single young woman would fall in love with a married man if he don't let us feel he care, love and adore us so much. they cannot give us a normal relationship with loyal and trust, so they talk sweet and let us feel they are the one. It's just a kind of manipulation to let them can keep us.

[blue963]

All excellent and true comments.

[Popsicle]

Yeah what was he doing? Hope some MM will answer.

 

My question for you, nicepuzzle, who first broke the NC after 6 years, you or him?

Edited January 2, 2014 by Popsicle

[ZMM]

1. He always called me same day to see me and kept NC in between

2. Never said when he was seeing me next

3. Never took me for dinner date

4. Minimal text. Only reply when I texted or emailed. Never initiated.

5. Never wished Christmas, birthdays or holiday s

6. Distanced himself when I got emotional and asked questions without explaination.

8. Last one to call when I had a death in family. He was the first one I called

9. When I called, kept conversation short and to the point

10. Had rumors with coworkers and secretaries.

11. Made me close to everyone in the family including wife. A family friend

 

However, when came to see me, held me for hours being emotional and teary...and the only person who ever loved me was him.

 

I walked away, moved on with my life on good terms. Did NC success fully for 6 years and he came back.

 

1. See in hotel rooms once in a while.

2. NC in between.

3. Minimal contacts through twxts and email and only when we meet.

4. Cry and emotional and declare love and intensity when we meet and all the rules above.

5. When I questioned his love and other women, no explanation and go NC again...

 

All you MM out there...what do u think he was doing? I havw finished with him for good and taught him a good lesson. But was he a crazy person or way too smart. And yes I fell in love with him since when he was with me, I never experienced such intensity of emotions.

 

I am NC for 9 months and doing very well but sometimes I get mixed emotions and question a lot of things. I never wanted tbe A but when he implied that his wife cheated and bore a child from her lover, my heart went out for him. He said he is there with her for children and was sacrificing and had 2 more kids from him while continuing cheating and saying he feels guilty.

 

I assume he likes having sex with you on occasion. That's what it sounds like.

 

Just about everything on your list is the exact opposite of how I handled things in my situation. And when we were together I never got overly emotional, maybe I was emotional in a loving way, but not being all teary eyed and the like. That seems fake to me.

 

Good luck.

[WasOtherWoman]

Yes, you were right to cut him loose. Being in an affair is not for the faint of heart (I was a miserable failure during mine).

 

You find that you are tempted to accept treatment that you would NEVER accept from a single man, and make excuses for him, because he is married, etc.

 

In my opinion, any married man that is fortunately enough to get a single woman to look his way should treat her like a queen. He is the one who is married, you are the single one with all of the options. He would do well to remember this.

 

You are nine months into this, don't go backwards!!

[nicepuzzle]

Yeah what was he doing? Hope some MM will answer.

 

My question for you, nicepuzzle, who first broke the NC after 6 years, you or him?

 

Him. We met at a party and he implied that he missed me and truly loved me and he was genuily teary and emotional.

[nicepuzzle]

Yes, you were right to cut him loose. Being in an affair is not for the faint of heart (I was a miserable failure during mine).

 

You find that you are tempted to accept treatment that you would NEVER accept from a single man, and make excuses for him, because he is married, etc.

 

In my opinion, any married man that is fortunately enough to get a single woman to look his way should treat her like a queen. He is the one who is married, you are the single one with all of the options. He would do well to remember this.

 

You are nine months into this, don't go backwards!!

 

You are right, but I was in haze to accept all that. And he kept coming back with the same conditions but did make me feel most wanted in the moment.

[WasOtherWoman]

I completely understand. The new and exciting of any new relationship can tempt us to accept things we shouldn't. Problem is, once we figure it out, we have already taught that other person that it is ok to treat us that way.

 

Hugs,

WOW

[nicepuzzle]

Thank you all. Sometimes I feel something was wrong with me to get into it. Lot of soul searching... I had attention any men I wanted but I got stuck with him and didnt like anyone else...

[Cocochai]

1. He always called me same day to see me and kept NC in between

2. Never said when he was seeing me next

3. Never took me for dinner date

4. Minimal text. Only reply when I texted or emailed. Never initiated.

5. Never wished Christmas, birthdays or holiday s

6. Distanced himself when I got emotional and asked questions without explaination.

8. Last one to call when I had a death in family. He was the first one I called

9. When I called, kept conversation short and to the point

10. Had rumors with coworkers and secretaries.

11. Made me close to everyone in the family including wife. A family friend

 

However, when came to see me, held me for hours being emotional and teary...and the only person who ever loved me was him.

 

I walked away, moved on with my life on good terms. Did NC success fully for 6 years and he came back.

 

1. See in hotel rooms once in a while.

2. NC in between.

3. Minimal contacts through twxts and email and only when we meet.

4. Cry and emotional and declare love and intensity when we meet and all the rules above.

5. When I questioned his love and other women, no explanation and go NC again...

 

All you MM out there...what do u think he was doing? I havw finished with him for good and taught him a good lesson. But was he a crazy person or way too smart. And yes I fell in love with him since when he was with me, I never experienced such intensity of emotions.

 

I am NC for 9 months and doing very well but sometimes I get mixed emotions and question a lot of things. I never wanted tbe A but when he implied that his wife cheated and bore a child from her lover, my heart went out for him. He said he is there with her for children and was sacrificing and had 2 more kids from him while continuing cheating and saying he feels guilty.

 

 

I agree w/ ZMM sounds like it was more sexual on his part. My XMM was some what like this except we daily communicated but, I noticed he would feel guilty especially when he confessed he started catching feelings for me. Mines did a good job at compartmentalizing, but I could tell he was fighting with his emotions.. Part of why we never truly hung out like that.

 

I understand why on his part but, that's not good for me and, he's told me he didn't want to lose his family (Never asked him to leave) so us getting more and more attached would have been hard on both ends.

 

9 months is very good NC!!! Please stick to it you will feel better with time.

[Cocochai]

Yes, you were right to cut him loose. Being in an affair is not for the faint of heart (I was a miserable failure during mine).

 

You find that you are tempted to accept treatment that you would NEVER accept from a single man, and make excuses for him, because he is married, etc.

 

In my opinion, any married man that is fortunately enough to get a single woman to look his way should treat her like a queen. He is the one who is married, you are the single one with all of the options. He would do well to remember this.

 

You are nine months into this, don't go backwards!!

 

Your so right!!!

 

I never tried to cause drama in his M

I only asked that he was considered of my feelings

We hardly went out and I was always there for him

 

I suppose he may find another AP like myself (Sorry I now realized I truly loved this guy).. But not everyone has the patience and understanding to control the emotions. This is why I couldn't do it anymore...

[spiderowl]

1. He always called me same day to see me and kept NC in between

2. Never said when he was seeing me next

 

Everything was on his timetable and when convenient for him. Didn't consider your feelings.

 

3. Never took me for dinner date

4. Minimal text. Only reply when I texted or emailed. Never initiated.

5. Never wished Christmas, birthdays or holiday s

8. Last one to call when I had a death in family. He was the first one I called

 

Making minimal effort

 

6. Distanced himself when I got emotional and asked questions without explaination.

9. When I called, kept conversation short and to the point

 

Didn't want emotional involvement, was controlling your contact with him.

 

However, when came to see me, held me for hours being emotional and teary...and the only person who ever loved me was him.

 

What was he being emotional about? Himself? Did he consider your feelings?

 

I walked away, moved on with my life on good terms. Did NC success fully for 6 years and he came back.

 

You did well to keep away from him for that long, but pity NC didn't last. He's still doing all the same things as before. It's all about him and his needs, not yours.

 

I am NC for 9 months and doing very well but sometimes I get mixed emotions and question a lot of things. I never wanted tbe A but when he implied that his wife cheated and bore a child from her lover, my heart went out for him. He said he is there with her for children and was sacrificing and had 2 more kids from him while continuing cheating and saying he feels guilty.

 

You've done so well to keep away from him this time. He has been so manipulative and it's not fair on you. He is a married man who wants an affair that's not going to invade his family life. His primary focus is his family (whatever he claims about his reasons for an affair). His primary focus will stay with his family. He was using you. Of course he wants to cling on to you as a back-up alternative lifestyle. You deserve a life of your own though, with a guy who will be there for you and would love to be emotionally involved with you.

[Popsicle]

Him. We met at a party and he implied that he missed me and truly loved me and he was genuily teary and emotional.

 

Wow. Amazing how it call came back. I sense that he is suffering due to confusion.

Still, I agree with the others to stay NC and let this go. It won't be good for you to continue. He is confused, and he will resolve it one way or another on his own, but you have to move on with your life.

Edited January 3, 2014 by Popsicle

[whichwayisup]

But what was he doing and what was wrong with me to take all that and loved him with heart and soul. .

 

You let yourself love the wrong man. Nothing is wrong with you.

[vanellope]

my thinking was like yours for a long time, I just feel I want him.

so I feel pretty sad when I realized he can't be with me in this life.

I did a lot soul searching, and read a lot books, articles, ...

 

I feel the affair thing did destroy a person becasue it hurt both our feeling and our ego. it let us compete ourselves with their spouse

unconsciously, and they choose their spouse let us feel we are loser and unwanted.

 

now I keep doing NC, and honestly I feel when I start distance from him, I become stronger and happier everyday. no more self judgement and feel low ego anymore. the one more day I stuck my feeling on him, one more day later I will find my love and live the life i want.

[trailrunner1975]

ExMM here......... It looks like cake eating to me, plain and simple. He will take and take all day long. When it comes to your needs he is not in a giving mood. I do think that NC is a wonderful thing and that your life will only be better as a result. To hell with him.........

[nicepuzzle]

Just to add more...there are few things that I did to protect myself too.

 

1. Not giving in completely..means not making it physical for 6 years. Slowly we ended up doing everything but final penetration. I couldnt let myself go with his treatment

2. He still kept coming back and accepted it, but tried to do everything each time.

3. Slowly it became hugging and holding and just lying there, but not before he came by touching me and BJs

4. I got tired of it and decided to move on and he cut the ties and went NC. Looks like he follows NC every well. Any questions asked any emotions he goes NC without explaination and he did just that.

 

And than he came back after 6 years claiming his undying emotional love and memories. He still did just the same and we met only few times more, I couldnt do the whole thing again. Whe I asked him questions about his other affairs he told they werent my business and I should only focus on his feelings for me. This time we were long distance. So it was seeing only in hotel room when he came and minimal contact in middle. When I questioned him and told I couldnt do this he told me to be in his life as friend and started acting like a friend. But still hinting me of his feelings each time at social gatherings. He shook my life and when I asked for apology he refused and simply said he is blocking. I told him I will tell his wife and he said go ahead and so I did just that and ended it.

 

Was he crazy??

[nicepuzzle]

1. He always called me same day to see me and kept NC in between

2. Never said when he was seeing me next

 

Everything was on his timetable and when convenient for him. Didn't consider your feelings.

 

3. Never took me for dinner date

4. Minimal text. Only reply when I texted or emailed. Never initiated.

5. Never wished Christmas, birthdays or holiday s

8. Last one to call when I had a death in family. He was the first one I called

 

Making minimal effort

 

6. Distanced himself when I got emotional and asked questions without explaination.

9. When I called, kept conversation short and to the point

 

Didn't want emotional involvement, was controlling your contact with him.

 

However, when came to see me, held me for hours being emotional and teary...and the only person who ever loved me was him.

 

What was he being emotional about? Himself? Did he consider your feelings?

 

I walked away, moved on with my life on good terms. Did NC success fully for 6 years and he came back.

 

You did well to keep away from him for that long, but pity NC didn't last. He's still doing all the same things as before. It's all about him and his needs, not yours.

 

I am NC for 9 months and doing very well but sometimes I get mixed emotions and question a lot of things. I never wanted tbe A but when he implied that his wife cheated and bore a child from her lover, my heart went out for him. He said he is there with her for children and was sacrificing and had 2 more kids from him while continuing cheating and saying he feels guilty.

 

You've done so well to keep away from him this time. He has been so manipulative and it's not fair on you. He is a married man who wants an affair that's not going to invade his family life. His primary focus is his family (whatever he claims about his reasons for an affair). His primary focus will stay with his family. He was using you. Of course he wants to cling on to you as a back-up alternative lifestyle. You deserve a life of your own though, with a guy who will be there for you and would love to be emotionally involved with you.

 

He made me suffered and took so many years away from my life, for his family. And the family that he told me is illegimate kid and cheating wife.

I did just that. I told everything to his wife to finish completly so I never have to see him ever again. He said I made fun of his feelings but I didnt see his feelings in one single action. revenge is no good but did I have a choice?

[trailrunner1975]

As to your question "but why?", you may never know and beating your head against a wall about it does you no good. He may have been crazy or calling your bluff, who knows. His actions show who he really is. I feel for you as I was in your shoes once. I think I was tangled up with his twin sister in my case. I never got an answer to why and finally moved on with a healthy dose of NC.