JennHenn Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 Was used by someone recently, and was wondering if I can tell him how I feel. I know I should walk away, but part of me thinks 'why does he get to walk away without answering to anything' Haven't heard from him in 2 days and don't think I will again. It's killing me. I did sleep with him too soon (2nd date) but I only slept with him because he told me he wasn't just in it for sex. He initiated the sex too, while we were both drunk. Really want to send a text just telling him I feel hurt. Should I? Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 What's the point? You will look dramatic and crazy and insecure. He DIDN'T use you. You willingly had sex with him. Maybe he wasn't just in it for sex but something about the sex or 2nd date made him not want more. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Mondmellonw Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 DON'T TELL HIM ANYTHING! If you do, you won't look like you know what you do, and that makes you look insecure. Please, if you know you'll feel guilty about having sex too soon, don't ever do it again. We're not here to judge you, but I suggest you to wait more, it seems you need to feel like he cares about you before taking this step, so, learn from your mistakes and move on from this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JennHenn Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 Fair enough, maybe he's not interested any more, but he could at least man up and say it. He's 35 (11 years older than I am) and he's just stopped texting. I just want some kind of closure. I've only ever slept with 2 other people, and I waited a while before sleeping with both of them. Only reason I did with this guy was that he told me he wanted us to go do all of these other things together at later dates. He should give me an answer is all I'm thinking. I'm crazy about this guy he showed me sooo much attention before this. Maybe that's why I'm obsessing, but I feel like any kind of response will feel better than this horrible silence Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 No. Really, don't say anything. It's not sleeping together that is making you feel hurt. It's that he is ignoring you now (which honestly isn't even confirmed; 2 days isn't that long). An attempt at a conversation isn't going to turn back time and reverse the night you slept with him. You were comfortable with that decision at that time; believe that you did what you were comfortable with. It's really that he is ignoring you or not giving you the attention you believe you need right now that actually hurts. If you contact him to try to make him feel bad or reprimand him about that, you are not going to get what you want. In all likelihood, you will feel worse for getting another non-answer or some more information that makes you feel bad about yourself. What you should do is own your decisions, decide he is being a idiot and missing out on a great girl. And then live your life, as that great girl. If, and it is very possible, he reaches out to you then you are in the power position to say you have reservations or with your actions show that you have reservations about a person who would blow you off after such promises. You will be in a much stronger position AND if he doesn't contact you, you have your answer regardless. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JennHenn Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 Thanks for the reply. I've been thinking about it more, and I'm thinking that maybe he didn't use me, and that it's my fault. After I'd slept with him, I got home and texted him to say that (as he asked me to). He didn't reply though. I got drunk with friends that night and stupidly txted him asking if it was a one-time thing for him. THEN when he didn't reply, I called him. I have since apologised for this, and tried to make a joke out of the fact that I was drunk. He was never the same with me after that. The last text I sent was something like 'just want to apologise again for the other night, was just really drunk. hope I haven't put you off too much?' So yeah, it's my fault. I went from being this strong, in control person, to a needy weirdo. Can't blame him for anything. Just wish he'd reply. But what the hell can you reply to that? 'yeah, you have put me off actually' ... he's not going to want to say that. This is all my fault. Sorry for wasting everyone's time on this thread. I hate me Link to post Share on other sites
emva07 Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 yeah...you acted like an immature drama queen with the asking if it was a one night thing, then calling, then apologizing, blah blah blah. Total turn off. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fujidabruin Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 Fair enough, maybe he's not interested any more, but he could at least man up and say it. He's 35 (11 years older than I am) and he's just stopped texting. I just want some kind of closure. I've only ever slept with 2 other people, and I waited a while before sleeping with both of them. Only reason I did with this guy was that he told me he wanted us to go do all of these other things together at later dates. He should give me an answer is all I'm thinking. I'm crazy about this guy he showed me sooo much attention before this. Maybe that's why I'm obsessing, but I feel like any kind of response will feel better than this horrible silence Hey JennHenn, If this guy was saying and doing all the nice things to simply get in your pants, then he is NOT worth your time. Sounds like you already know he is gonna just keep up the lies until he finds another target or perhaps he will string you along till he gets bored with his game. IDK for sure, but I think you already feel deceived. Not a good start after 2 dates. Do not particularly like your reason for allowing sex into the equation. Sorry, but I just don't see it as a valid reason to go there..... and clearly you are not OK with it either. Does not by any means make it excusable for you to get used, but it may have made it easier for him to prey on your expectations. I suggest going NO CONTACT immediately and take control of YOU. Your emotions are magnified right now, so any attempt to contact just keeps you spiraling into his game. Although we are opposite genders, I have been where you are. Good Luck and go NC (it is not easy but it works) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JennHenn Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 Thanks for replies. Argh, I don't know what to think. I just think now that it's all my fault, and that maybe he would have still had interest if I hadn't gone all weird that night and asked if it was a one-time thing for him, and then called him etc. I hate myself so much for it!! Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 (edited) I'm crazy about this guy he showed me sooo much attention before this. Maybe that's why I'm obsessing, but I feel like any kind of response will feel better than this horrible silence And there is where the problem lies. He showed you all this attention and they were empty promises and shallow flattery and you bought it and now own it since you let him have his way with you. I've been around for a long time, 66 years and change and I can tell you this as fact. Times change, as does music, fashion and fads but what stays the same is a guys line of "Shineola." It's an art that has been passed down from every street corner coast to coast from one guy to another. Yeah me too. Guy sees a girl and smooth talks her and in most cases he strikes out but every so often............BINGO! Standing in front of him he sees a nice girl kind of naive and somewhat gullible and she becomes his mark. He'll say anything. Do anything with all the sincerity he can muster in his selfish heart for a chance to score. Then after the heavy breathing is over and he leaves, he did what he set out to do and as far as he's concerned you can cry your eyes out until the end of time. he got what he wanted and ripped your heart and soul out of your body. I'm not saying that all men are like this but in order to protect yourself from a situation like this is again, you have to do one important thing. If he really likes you and RESPECTS YOU, he'll be more than happy to wait when you tell him that your not ready to go that far. Once he knows your not going to jump right in to bed on the first few dates, he's either going to move on or if he cares, he'll be back and want to be with you and curb his urges until your ready. Understand this. Your the one in control of your body. You just have to get your brain and everything below your neck to be on the same page. Chalk this guy up as a bad lesson and learn from it. Make sure that the guy is worth your investment before you go from the living room to the bedroom. Best of luck to you. Bubbaganoosh Edited January 2, 2014 by bubbaganoosh Link to post Share on other sites
Author JennHenn Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 Thanks for the reply, Bubbaganoosh. I'm actually now hoping that it was his intention all along, then at least it wouldn't be my fault for being all weird and asking him those things! ... Tbf, the first time I stayed over and nothing happened, he asked me if I wanted to chill at his that day for a bit, then asked if I wanted to stay another night, which I declined. This time, however, it was different. It was getting into the afternoon and I still felt hungover and didn't fancy getting in a taxi at that point, so I asked if it was ok to stay for a bit, and he was like "yeah, I'm just chilling, doesn't make a difference to me". I don't know, maybe I'm thinking into that answer too much, but didn't sound like he wanted me to stick around! Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 I think it's lousy to sleep with someone, then not have contact, even just to say it's not going to work and to sever the relationship (when the other person is still trying to have contact). What kind of protection did you use? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xRJ85x Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 That's the thing that sucks, we never know if we're being used. I was essentially being used for 6 months when a girl neglected to tell me she was simply labeling it as FWB, yet acted like she wanted more. Really screwed my head up. But I've learned that you can't hold it against anyone in the future, otherwise it could screw you over even more. Link to post Share on other sites
fujidabruin Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 Thanks for the reply, Bubbaganoosh. I'm actually now hoping that it was his intention all along, then at least it wouldn't be my fault for being all weird and asking him those things! ... Tbf, the first time I stayed over and nothing happened, he asked me if I wanted to chill at his that day for a bit, then asked if I wanted to stay another night, which I declined. This time, however, it was different. It was getting into the afternoon and I still felt hungover and didn't fancy getting in a taxi at that point, so I asked if it was ok to stay for a bit, and he was like "yeah, I'm just chilling, doesn't make a difference to me". I don't know, maybe I'm thinking into that answer too much, but didn't sound like he wanted me to stick around! I would say you are definitely overthinking all of his statements and words. What Bubbaganoosh was inferring is that this dude only said what he thought he needed to so that he could get what HE wanted from you. You expected more after he got his REWARD and now he shows you nothing because his intentions were never aligned with yours. If he cared for you at all, he would have tried to create something meaningful or at least be honest after you two had your night together. Once again, I will advocate NC to move forward without further drama. This experience could be an opportunity to set your boundaries and really understand what feels right for you..... BLAME and REGRET will not keep you moving forward. Focus on the best things about you and your life and this will just be another lessoned learn very soon Good Luck JennHenn 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eclypse Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 It's pretty stupid how you aren't allowed to ask someone where you stand, and instead must guess and play games. This guy is a douchebag. He would have shut you down even if you had followed the "rules". Personally I love when a girl wants to talk about this. With my current girl we slept together right away and had the talk right then (although we had been seriously flirting for a long time before). Why would I turn down someone who Ihad sex with? I only have sex with girls I take seriously... If only more guys did. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 Ok, you are not wasting our time. That's exactly what these boards are for. Learn from this. Build your self-esteem. Know that you're worth better treatment. Don't blame yourself it's does no good. Someday, return the favor and come back and give someone good advice from what you have learned and mistakes you have made. Listen, as easy as it is for both girls and guys to get caught up in the moment. There is such a double standard even in 2014. It's a bit old-fashioned but there's a reason why it's better to err on the side of caution, ie protect yourself. I don't even mean about sleeping together. However, it's not the sex itself but the act as a benchmark of something. And then serious talks or amp'd up emotions and insecurity surrounding "where things stand". That's why for girls it pays to be cautious BEFORE you let someone have that part of you. Make a guy wait it out longer before you know him well enough to know that his words aren't B.S. and that his actions match with what he has promised you. If your goal is a relationship, or even if you don't know yet but don't want to rule it out, make them play the game. It's not true game-playing per say or messing with someone's emotions but finding out if he is worthy of a place like that in YOUR life. Value yourself higher. It's precisely that you set your value high and it shows in your actions that makes a guy know that you are relationship-worthy. They know if you sleep with them too soon that you are either compromising your standards or don't have any and lose interest. And even if they are more evolved and don't put such judgement on it, which definitely happens, serious talks and needy questions will have them running. You have to be willing to test their value so that they can see yours. All is not lost. You can practice this starting RIGHT NOW but changing your outlook on what happened in your mind and how you're treating yourself as well as deciding you have the strength not to want to talk to someone who would do this to you. Good luck, Jenn. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 I guess if he continues to ignore you, you could always wait a week then text him that you're pregnant. Link to post Share on other sites
Letitsnow Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 HennJenn, I actually feel your pain. Same thing happened to me. Now there is same silence and I have no answer for what went wrong. Just like you, I wish he would have enough decency to tell me anything so I could get my closure and let my hopes go. Hopes for what actually? I was very naive. If you figure out what to do, please, let me know. I wish I could help you somehow... Link to post Share on other sites
CrystalCastles Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 Silence is closure. He isn't replying to you because he got what he wanted. At this point, the only dignified thing you can do is walk away. Don't send him ANYTHING. It will make you look weak and will only feed the a**hole's ego (which I'm sure is plenty bloated already). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
winny Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 Thanks for the reply, Bubbaganoosh. I'm actually now hoping that it was his intention all along, then at least it wouldn't be my fault for being all weird and asking him those things! ... Tbf, the first time I stayed over and nothing happened, he asked me if I wanted to chill at his that day for a bit, then asked if I wanted to stay another night, which I declined. This time, however, it was different. It was getting into the afternoon and I still felt hungover and didn't fancy getting in a taxi at that point, so I asked if it was ok to stay for a bit, and he was like "yeah, I'm just chilling, doesn't make a difference to me". I don't know, maybe I'm thinking into that answer too much, but didn't sound like he wanted me to stick around! Hi Jen - So Sorry that you have to go through this during the holidays. Listen, first thing, DO NOT blame yourself. Remember you are a great person. Everyone does mistakes. Learn from it. DONT contact this person. Try not to go over the details over and over again. Trust me I know how you feel. It pains so much when one day a guy is making you feel special and next day completely ignores you and you don't even know why. It sucks... But you just have to hang in there... let few days pass and it will be fine again. If this guy comes back and treats you well... great.. But if he doesn't... still you will be fine okay.... just give it some time... Hugs.. Link to post Share on other sites
GoreSP Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 Was used by someone recently, and was wondering if I can tell him how I feel. I know I should walk away, but part of me thinks 'why does he get to walk away without answering to anything' Haven't heard from him in 2 days and don't think I will again. It's killing me. I did sleep with him too soon (2nd date) but I only slept with him because he told me he wasn't just in it for sex. He initiated the sex too, while we were both drunk. Really want to send a text just telling him I feel hurt. Should I? Well he isn't going to care...but if you think it will give you closure, go for it! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 You already pulled the crazy card with the drunk texting/calling. Leave him be. You're obsessing over it now, hoping for a different answer with each thread you start about it. Learn from your mistake and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JennHenn Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 I know, I should stop obsessing over it. But I'm finding it really difficult to. Really, I didn't sleep until about 7am, and that was broken, tossing and turning sleep. This is all my fault! It was me who said "fancy doing something?" . When he said we could only have drinks at his that night and not go out anywhere, I should have said 'let's wait then'. But it had been over a week since I last saw him and I just really wanted to see him again. Then the sleeping with his, then the drunk texting/ calling. This is ALL MY FAULT! I do believe that he genuinely still liked me. I know we got drunk, and it was him that kept saying "let's have another jager bomb", but don't think he would have been doing it to get me drunk to sleep with me, would he? And yes, when we went to bed, it was him who tried it. Only last time we were in that situation, I declined. Maybe he expected me to be the same this time? And because I didn't, he thought less of me. I really can't stop thinking about how great things could have been and now there's nothing I can do to get back this perfect guy. Nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JennHenn Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 So you def think he was just after sex? And even if I hadn't have slept with him right away, and acted the way I did afterwards, he would have just done the same thing after we had eventually slept together? Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 So you def think he was just after sex? And even if I hadn't have slept with him right away, and acted the way I did afterwards, he would have just done the same thing after we had eventually slept together? You'll never know, and we don't have enough evidence to guess. But don't let yourself believe that he was a 'perfect' guy. I mean, what are the odds of that? Link to post Share on other sites
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