Fredflintstone Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 I found out last night that my wife still loves the OM, how bad is that for me. She's still NC but I think she's thinking about breaking it but she still says she loves me. What are the chances of failure at this point, anyone?
thummper Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 From what I've read, it sounds like you're flogging a dying horse. Be merciful and put "it" out of its misery. I'm so sorry it's come down to this. 5
Author Fredflintstone Posted January 2, 2014 Author Posted January 2, 2014 I've told her that I love her enough to let her go if it will make her happier. I even offered to get his number but she's said she doesn't want that, she wants us to go back to normality. It's very confusing but at least she's starting open up to me. I've told her numerous times so it's not like I haven't given her the opportunities. I'm confused. 1
OpheliaSong Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Are you in MC? What has she done to make you feel she is committed to your marriage again?
Author Fredflintstone Posted January 2, 2014 Author Posted January 2, 2014 Are you in MC? What has she done to make you feel she is committed to your marriage again? I've suggested that to her last night and she agreed I'll make sure we go.
lilmisscantbewrong Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Fred, how long has she been no contact? I can tell you those feelings do not fade fast. I struggle still with that. I see my xmom very clearly now - for the person he truly is (and it isn't good), but it is hard to divide your heart and mind and get yourself to understand that you were in love with someone who truly didn't exist - a fantasy. But if doesn't make it easier. It takes time. Counseling might help her to sort through all of that and figure out how to pocket it. You are a good man for sticking with her through this because I am sure this hurts you greatly. 6
harrybrown Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 So how much more pain is she going to give you? She ripped your heart out of your chest and threw it in the fire. So now she is taking a dump on it. Have she read about what damage she did to you? How would she feel if you had an affair? She does not see the POSOM for what he is. She is in love with a fantasy. I would be careful about counseling. You need one that is against cheating, not one that is for it. I would let her go, and give her the divorce papers. Set her free like you mentioned. Let her go see what he is really like. Let her see that she messed up a good man, for a POSOM. If he will cheat with her, he will cheat on her. He may even have another AP other than your wife. Has she figured out that he has lied to her? Is the OM married? Have you told his wife? If she will not go, then have her sign an agreement that if you divorce, that she gets nothing from you. Sorry you are having this horrible experience. Expose the light on the affair. Affairs love darkness. Tell everybody and post him on cheaterville. 1
Try Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 I've told her that I love her enough to let her go if it will make her happier. I even offered to get his number but she's said she doesn't want that, she wants us to go back to normality. It's very confusing but at least she's starting open up to me. I've told her numerous times so it's not like I haven't given her the opportunities. I'm confused. It is good that she is telling you what she is honestly thinking and you not flipping out on her. This allows you to help her deal with it. She is going through withdrawals of the newness brain drugs of an affair. It has only been a few months since the end of the affair, and it is normal for her to miss the fantasy of the other man. In her mind she knows that it was only a fantasy, but that does not make it any less hard to miss. Real life is never as fun and exciting as fantasy, and if most cheaters were honest with their betrayed spouses they would be telling their spouses what your wife is telling you. Do not ask for truth if you do not want to really hear it. As for your odds long term, they have not changed. Only time will tell. 4
Bryanp Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 If she loves the OM then she does not love you in the same way. You cannot nice someone back to you. She knows that no matter what happens you will always be waiting for her which is the wrong attitude because she has no fear of losing you. If you made it clear that you were moving towards divorce she would realize how important you are to her and realize what she has to lose. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 ARG. I feel bad for your situation. How did you find this out? Did she tell you straight out? Did you ask her? Or did it find it in an email to a friend or something? Honestly, I know this may sound weird but as a woman, when I say "I feel angry [insert pretty much any feeling here] it is often the first step to me releasing that feeling. Letting it go. In fact when I say "I love you" to my husband it's because it has almost come to a high tide and I let him know how much I care. When he reciprocates, it's like it fills it up again. If she told you about it, and things were calm not out of anger of cruelty etc. it probably hit a sort of "high tide " with her because, sorry, but she misses him. But she told YOU not HIM. He isn't there to reciprocate and fill it back up again. The wave will go down unless she feeds it somehow. He will fade and the switch will flip. Honestly, the MORE she feels safe to talk about it with you. (I know, sooooo much fun). The quicker it will probably fade. Maybe try thinking of it as her vomiting out those emotions to get rid of the poison. Just my humble opinion. It seems that you still wish to reconcile with her. 6
RightThere Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Well I'll be the other view here, but it is totally normal that she is still in love with him. Not sure how long their relationship really was, but to her, she is going though the depression of a real break-up. It sucks for you because you need to sit and wait for her to grieve. My advice is providing she is NC and doing the right things for reconciliation, it's OK for you to wait. You'll need to be nice to her and supportive because she probably feels like she shouldn't have these feelings, even though they are real to her. Some people will tell you to go 180, but if you wife is doing the right things (outside of still having feelings for the OM) then right now it is OK to be supportive. That doesn't mean spineless, however. If she's not doing the other things required for reconciliation (counselling, owning the affair) then you are in fake reconciliation and you need to then change course to the 180. Good luck 9
dreamingoftigers Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Well I'll be the other view here, but it is totally normal that she is still in love with him. Not sure how long their relationship really was, but to her, she is going though the depression of a real break-up. It sucks for you because you need to sit and wait for her to grieve. My advice is providing she is NC and doing the right things for reconciliation, it's OK for you to wait. You'll need to be nice to her and supportive because she probably feels like she shouldn't have these feelings, even though they are real to her. Some people will tell you to go 180, but if you wife is doing the right things (outside of still having feelings for the OM) then right now it is OK to be supportive. That doesn't mean spineless, however. If she's not doing the other things required for reconciliation (counselling, owning the affair) then you are in fake reconciliation and you need to then change course to the 180. Good luck Yeah, if she's being honest that improves the odds. Unless it decreases the odds because you can't take any more hurt. Which is totally okay. And you may change your mind back and forth later. 2
tiredofitall2 Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 If she loves the OM then she does not love you in the same way. You cannot nice someone back to you. She knows that no matter what happens you will always be waiting for her which is the wrong attitude because she has no fear of losing you. If you made it clear that you were moving towards divorce she would realize how important you are to her and realize what she has to lose. I agree with everything except the first sentence. When WW say ILBINILWY they really meant it. Being in love and loving are two very distinct things. I would argue that for the vast majority affairs will represent a fantasy. There is no real love, just "chemistry" and "butterflies" Just like a teenager in love. It is intense and short lived. 2
Clay Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 She told you this and she is still there? You are staying with her? I would not care at all if she said she did not want to be with him. It would be clear. I would say good bye good luck. Call in a few weeks and we will sort some of the legal things out but until then don't call and don't come around. Clay 2
Woggle Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Then tell her to go to him and leave you alone. 4
Realist3 Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 I found out last night that my wife still loves the OM, how bad is that for me. She's still NC but I think she's thinking about breaking it but she still says she loves me. What are the chances of failure at this point, anyone? I don't know that it is bad for you at all. She is telling you how she feels. BS's always claim to want honesty and she is giving it to you. Some people will label her love a fantasy, but to her it is very real. And she is going through a very real mourning process. That is completely natural, and it will take some time for her to reconcile those feelings, and there is a possibility she may never do so. But, at least she is telling you the truth and that should be seen as a positive. She is where she is right now, trying to jolt those feelings out of her with some threat or anything else is an act of futility. if you want to R you are going to have to accept that she will be experiencing very conflicting emotions. Good luck. 7
anne1707 Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Well I'll be the other view here, but it is totally normal that she is still in love with him. Not sure how long their relationship really was, but to her, she is going though the depression of a real break-up. It sucks for you because you need to sit and wait for her to grieve. My advice is providing she is NC and doing the right things for reconciliation, it's OK for you to wait. You'll need to be nice to her and supportive because she probably feels like she shouldn't have these feelings, even though they are real to her. Some people will tell you to go 180, but if you wife is doing the right things (outside of still having feelings for the OM) then right now it is OK to be supportive. That doesn't mean spineless, however. If she's not doing the other things required for reconciliation (counselling, owning the affair) then you are in fake reconciliation and you need to then change course to the 180. Good luck As a fWS, I can see so much truth in this post. I know it hurts that she still has feelings for the OM but to be honest I would find it more worrying if she said he meant nothing to her whilst it is still so soon after dday. It took me months to deal with how I felt about the exOM and my H knew that. However once I got my head round what I wanted to do (ie reconcile), my husband agreed on the basis that he wanted to see me do the work necessary for us and for there to be progress. This meant both MC and IC plus lots of reading up together. I can tell you Fred that at the same time after dday as you are now, I did still have feelings for the exOM but that is now long behind me. He means nothing to me now and my husband and I are doing good together. 9
AlwaysGrowing Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 You....get to decide what are deal breakers for YOU. It doesn't matter if some FWS came around or not. It only matters what you can handle. Never sacrifice yourself on the altar of being the good guy. The price is too high. It is perfectly normal....heck...healthy even...to walk away from someone who says they love another. It would not be a punishment towards your wife for speaking the truth. It is WHAT HAPPENS. You do NOT have to bear witness, assist, be the shoulder to cry on for your wife when she misses her AP. Or even her healing. That is hers to carry and hers alone. Just as every WS made choices without considering the impact on their BS, you too are free to make choices in regard to your happiness/emotional well-being. Keep your choices healthy. Keep your integrity. No one knows what the outcome will be......no one. You have to be honest with yourself and how much you can handle. It does not make you less than, more than any other BS....who stayed or left. It is only being true to yourself. 8
Oldspiceywolf Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 I hope no matter the outcome you end up happy and confident. I don't think she will stay with you if you give her space to grieve and choose you. If you don't have the power to break her feelings for OM and make her fall for you with your own skills and personality I'm afraid in the end she'll just say she doesn't feel anything for you and leave or she'll pretended and stay for her own comfort. I think you'll be happier sooner if you tell her to leave. You can save some self respect and you give her the chance to respect you, staying around and waiting give you neither of those options. Good luck
Try Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 You have to be honest with yourself and how much you can handle. It does not make you less than, more than any other BS....who stayed or left. It is only being true to yourself. This is the truth in a nutshell. 3
compulsivedancer Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 (edited) Think about it like going through a breakup...while in a relationship. It is very confusing. I don't remember the details of your story, but part of what made it confusing for me was how it ended (it ended on DDay because H found out.) For me, the affair just ended. No goodbyes, no arguments (with OM), none of the fading out that often precedes a breakup. One minute you're making plans for your next meeting, and the next, it's over and you're never going to see each other again. Never. It's a very odd psychological space. Even more odd is the understanding that you COULD go see him. At any time. You could try to contact him and have those last goodbyes. Or get back together. You could ask the questions you want answered. You could have a last kiss. You could restart the affair. You could try to be with OM instead. But you aren't doing any of those things that you might do in similar circumstances if you weren't in a relationship. If you want your relationship with BS to work out, any of those things has the potential to kill the relationship completely. But you want to anyway. So you are actively willing yourself not to do something you want (desperately?) to do. {I'm sorry if this is confusing. The "you" in the last two paragraphs is the WS, or me. I thought about rewriting it, but wasn't sure I could fix it properly.} It does fade in time, and as crappy as it is, it's a good sign that she's telling you. She did tell you about it, and give you the chance to remind her that NC is NOT NEGOTIABLE, and for you to remind her that it's you or him, but that she must decide. It's like a pressure that builds up inside, to want to contact him. Telling you is a pressure release, and helps her fight that urge. Together you form a unified front. On the other hand, at any time you can tell her that as much as you love her, you can't be her support system for her emotions for OM. In this case, she will need to confide in someone else, probably, a friend or her IC (or in my case, LS). It helps to talk about it. It's a lot to get through. And the person the WS most wants to comfort her (the BS), is the person that she hurts the most by talking about it with. It's up to you what you do about it. I agree with the poster who said that if she is doing the work and becoming a better woman/wife, it might be worth seeing what happens. Close to DDay, this is fairly normal. Later on, if she still feels this way, it will be a real problem. I wish you luck. It's a tough place to be in, and nobody should ever have to be there. Edited January 2, 2014 by compulsivedancer 5
AlwaysGrowing Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 OP, you stated you loved your wife enough to let her go. You have your priorities mixed up. You have to love yourself enough to know when it is simply "a bridge too far" for you. You can not be your wife's conscience/warden/parent. If that is what she requires to keep her away from the OM, then.....you are doomed. Just like anyone else whose spouse has put them in that position. The failure rate is 100%. Because the WS never learns to be their OWN guardian. Their emotional maturity will stay that of a child. The reality is that a WS has very little time to start showing real change and growth. A BS, becomes disillusioned quickly, when a WS can only sit there are grieve the loss of a relationship that caused severe emotional trauma to their BS. If your WS can not lift her head up long enough to acknowledge the hurt she caused, she will only keep romanizing the OM. For most WS, it is when they face, listen, bear witness to the pain their BS is in, that the AP/affair starts to be viewed for what it was, what it caused and what it COST them! Successful R is rare. What you see happen more often, is exactly what your wife has said she wants (for things to go back). True R, recognizes that going back is setting the marriage up for failure. Back.....is exactly where the affair took root. Why would a BS ever want that? And why would a truly remorseful WS want that either! That is how a FWS also gets the BS hat to wear in the future. A FWS understands better than anyone how quickly and easily one can make little innocuous choices that destroy so much. They now see/smell them a mile away. They are the ones that seek IC,MC, books, openly discuss issues. They drive that train. Because they never want to re-live that ever again. 2
TheBladeRunner Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 OP, you pose a tough question that I had to ask myself 17 months ago. Those feelings she has may take awhile to pass, they may never pass. The fact is that you just won't know what will happen and that's what makes it so difficult. On one side you guys have a life together, a house, family, etc., but on the other hand you are facing what I call the ultimate betrayal. In the end you will have to decide what is best for YOU, that's what I had to do. My XW has no remorse and only wanted to do MC to find out "what my role was", the "A" was all my fault and still is in her mind. I also knew MY OWN limitations in that going outside the marriage for her was a deal breaker for me, she knew this going in as this was not my first rodeo with a cheating spouse. She could have done anything, but that was the end of it for me.
Spectre Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I found out last night that my wife still loves the OM, how bad is that for me. She's still NC but I think she's thinking about breaking it but she still says she loves me. What are the chances of failure at this point, anyone? Dude, if she still loves this other guy..then she doesn't love you. Do you not see the problem here already? Only children think they can be in love with two people at the same time. Get rid of this chick, she doesn't care about you. 2
Steadfast Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 She is where she is right now, trying to jolt those feelings out of her with some threat or anything else is an act of futility. if you want to R you are going to have to accept that she will be experiencing very conflicting emotions. Great insight Realist, and great post. You want to reconcile? Order from this menu. They serve different dishes over in the singles-section. Really great advice on this thread. Not easy advice, but truthful and direct. 1
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